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How Do I Date When I Don’t Know What I Want?

May 9, 2022 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hi Doc,

I’ve been reading your column for a little while now, and a lot of your advice has really been helpful for me in reframing some of my hangups around dating. Writing in now though because I have a problem that I don’t think I’ve seen addressed (or I just might have missed in the archives).

Some background, I’m a 27 year old bisexual (probably?) woman. I’ve got a new job that I’m enjoying so far, though it’s a lot more work than I’ve had in others, a great and fairly large social circle of friends and family, my own place that I really like, interests and hobbies I need to start picking back up now that the pandemic seems to be slowing down a bit, and I’m reaching a point where I want a relationship of some kind. I haven’t really dated much in general, a few first dates here and there and a 2 month thing in college that just sort of fizzled out. I mostly meet folks through dating apps nowadays, except the two month thing in college which was through a swing dancing club.

One other note is, I’ve never been diagnosed, but I definitely have some flavor of social anxiety, plus probably depression or possibly ADHD. I manage it fairly well, but it does mean that in new social situations I tend to be a bit on edge, and overcompensate by kind of putting on an over the top bubbly persona, which doesn’t always help people get to know the real me. I also somewhat regularly get overwhelmed with trying to balance work, basic life stuff (keeping apartment clean, cooking, keeping up with appointments, etc), and my social life, and usually the first thing that goes out the window for me is dating, so I’ll be the first to admit I’m not always putting effort into dating.

My main problem though is I’m having a hard time nailing down exactly what I’m looking for in a relationship. Like I said, I’m probably bisexual but I often feel more romantically attracted to masc-leaning folks but sexually attracted to femme folks, which is tricky. Additionally, I’m also not sure on the level of seriousness and commitment I’m looking for. I definitely want a long term committed partner eventually, but it takes me a while to warm up to folks. Even within my friend group, most of them are folks that I’ve known for years (still hang out with some folks I’ve been friends with in high school or earlier) and even then it took me a bit over a year to really feel comfortable and established with some of my newer friends.

On dating apps, when I’ve gone on dates with folks that are looking for something more serious, it always feels like I’m trying to force a connection, but conversely, if I go on dates with folks looking for something more casual, it often tends to just fizzle out with one of us ghosting the other. I also just have a hard time judging whether I’m even attracted to someone in the first place over an app and texts. In person, I tend to click better with people I meet and make friends fairly easily, but once again it takes me a while to figure out whether I’m actually attracted to someone. I think I’m probably somewhere on the demisexuality spectrum, but what that usually means is by the time I figure out I might be into someone, they’ve usually lost any interest they might have had or have started dating someone else by that point. And I once I do develop a crush on someone, they tend to be fairly intense and linger for ages even after I’ve confirmed that it isn’t going to happen, which makes it harder for me to be interested in other folks.

Part of the problem too is that I’m almost always the one to initiate. I don’t think I’m necessarily unattractive, but I am a bit overweight (working on getting back into dancing and weightlifting for that) and definitely not someone who has a bunch of folks pursuing them. I’ve gotten better about not being scared to be the one to initiate when I think I might be interested (thanks a great deal to a lot of your advice!) but it is kind of hard to be the initiator when you aren’t often sure of what you’re looking for yourself.

I could ramble on more, but in short, do you have any advice for how to date when you’re slow to warm to people and aren’t entirely sure what it is you’re looking for anyways?

Thanks,
Lukewarm and Indecisive

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Break Out Of Your Box

May 4, 2022 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Let’s talk about change and why growth can feel so difficult. When you’re trying to build a life for yourself – or build a new and better one – it can feel as though you have few options and even fewer that actually work. This is especially true when it feels like all of the paths in front of you “just aren’t you, man.”

Animated clip from The Simpsons of Ned Flanders' parents. Text reads: "We've tried nothing, and we're all out of ideas" — And that’s assuming you’ve actually started in the first place.

Now sometimes this means that the problem is that you’re letting your self-limiting beliefs get in the way of your own success. Other times, however, the problem is that we’re so hung up on trying to fit into a particular mold or box that we don’t realize that this box never fit in the first place… and never will.

This is actually more common than you’d think. One of the worst habits that people fall into is that we let ourselves be bound up by “rules” — rules that don’t actually exist, but that we set up for ourselves and follow anyway. These rules, such as they are, narrow our ways of thinking and create artificial limits on ourselves. They force us into false choices and prevent us from seeing alternatives that may work better for us. We end up seeing things in exactly one way and, if that way isn’t a good fit for us or doesn’t work out – especially right from the start – we assume that we’re failing at them.

What we never seem to realize is that we’re so busy trying to break ourselves into pieces and sand off bits of ourselves to fit into a particular box, we never stop to think that maybe the box is the problem, not us. In those moments we are, for all intents and purposes, passively accepting a framing that limits us. We end up in a trap of looking at other people’s path to success and assuming that it’s the only option, without considering that maybe this isn’t actually true. We’re so used to assuming that we need to fit into a particular mold or that our choices are so limited that there’s really no way to succeed. So our choices seem to be either try to magically become a completely different person… or accept that there’s no hope and we should just give up.

Instead, what we often need to do is to take a page from one James Tiberius Kirk.

Animated gif from Star Trek II: The Wrath of Kahn. Kirk looks off camera, saying "I don't believe in "no-win" scenarios — When in doubt, break shit and hope for the best… no wait…

If it seems like we’ve stuck ourselves in a no-win situation, then it’s time to change the rules and find alternatives. Restricting yourself to that narrow box hasn’t worked and won’t work. So it’s time to break out of the box.   If you feel like you aren’t winning or you can’t win… sometimes what you need is to change the rules.

Here’s how.

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How Do I Stop Bullying Myself?

April 8, 2022 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hello Doc,

This is how my mind works when I see an attractive woman I want to talk to:

“Hey, my coworker is pretty cute. I wish I could get to know her more.”

“She’s in a different department, how could I talk to her?”

“If I were to go up to her for no other reason, that might creep her out.”

“Creeping out a coworker would be disastrous. What would that even mean for me in this job?”

“Do I even know how to start a conversation with a woman without creeping her out?”

“How would I even find out how to do that? Just keep approaching, trial and error, creeping women out until I eventually find out how?”

“I can’t even learn how to do that without creeping out women…”

“How can I even date without that knowledge…”

“What woman would want to date such a sad sack like me…”

And then I go into an anxiety and depressive spiral for the next few days, sometimes weeks. You can replace “coworker” there with “acquaintance”, “woman in my dance class”, or “woman at the bar”, and it’s mostly the same.
So what do I even do?

My Own Worst Enemy

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This is How You Solve Your Dating Problems

February 16, 2022 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

It doesn’t matter who you are, what you do, or what you look like; at some point your love life is going to go pear-shaped – quite possibly messily and all over the place. Sometimes it may only be for a few days or weeks. Other times, you end up in a dry spell that could last for months or even years.

Man in office clothes crawling on hands and knees in the sunny desert. — “How… how long has it been? Time passes so strangely here in the desert of the dateless.”
“It’s been two days, Bob.
“An eternity… an eternity…”

The frustration is understandable, even palpable. Many times, you don’t even know why you’re suddenly having all of these problems. It’s bad enough to be having a dry spell or to be struggling to date when you can’t even figure out what you’re doing wrong. Everyone’s had that frustrating moment of asking their friends what they should do, only to be met with a shrug. Worse, the only advice they may have for you feels less than useless or seemingly impossible to follow.

It’s understandable that many would give up; after all, how do you fix things when you don’t know where to start? What’s the dating equivalent of debugging your love life and can it be as simple as just turning it off and back on again?

Here’s how you can find your sticking points, fix your flaws and get your love life back on track.

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Help, My Ex Is Dating Someone Else and I Can’t Handle It

January 28, 2022 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Dear Doc,

I recently got out of a three year relationship that was my longest so far. It wasn’t perfect and the breakup want pretty. There was a lot of toxicity between me and my ex and we were in two different places in life.

Since my ex moved out of my house. I’ve been trying my best to get over her. I have my life put together for the most part. I own my home, own my car, have a cat and a dog, go to meetups and have a small friend circle.

My problem is that I feel like I’m not enough. And the reason for that is because I snooped on my exes Twitter account. I realized she had a new partner. A masculine, attractive and hung guy (my ex is a SW with an OnlyFans). Somebody who I was the complete opposite of. I realize it’s wrong to obviously look at what I saw but I was curious. I immediately closed out the browser and went to the gym. I’ve been going to the gym since my breakup but after seeing who replaced me. I realized that I might not be able to match up with other men.

I’m 32. I have my life together. Except I can’t get women. I don’t have hookups because nobody wants to hookup with me. I never see women looking at me. I never make eye contact with them because they never look or notice me. I realize that I might not be able to measure up. Unless I keep working out to the point where I look so muscular that they’ll have to notice me. I realize it’s not healthy but after seeing my replacement, who supposedly also has a bunch of other women on side. Makes me believe that 80/20 rule might actually be a fact. If a guy like my ex’s new FWB has many women he’s sleeping with and I can’t even find someone new to even chat with me or match with me online. Then I honestly feel extremely hopeless and possibly doomed.

I’ve always struggled with women. Talking to them or even knowing if they’re interested. The only way I’ve dated was with dating apps and I’ve been trying since the breakup and I just simply haven’t gotten any matches. Except for bots and women selling services or their OnlyFans.

Honestly Doc, the best way I can describe myself is that I feel like a successful loser. I feel like if I can’t get women, can’t get laid despite being a single bachelor with no roommates, then I simply am just a loser. I hate the fact that it is a competition out there.

I try reading your blogs because you send out a form of positive reinforcement that other blogs don’t tend to do. I don’t follow the redpill or any PUA stuff but I do enjoy your blog posts. I try to stay positive and I try to keep to my routines. I really want someone to notice me and notice that I do have alot to offer but if I can’t stand out then they can’t even see me. I feel like telling myself everyday that I’m enough and that I’m great and just constant affirmations will slowly make me feel hopeless because no matter how much I try to reaffirm myself, at the end of the night. It’s still just me by myself in my house watching movies alone.

I don’t miss my ex. But I miss the feeling of someone being there, laughing and talking to someone. I miss that person being in my life everyday and falling asleep every night. And I hate that someone new gets to share that with her. I hate that someone new is someone that many women desire because it makes me feeling like I’m just not enough for the majority of women and I honestly just don’t know what to do.

Signed,
Hopelessly Hopeful

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