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How To Not Be Creepy

March 28, 2014 by Dr. NerdLove 485 Comments

As Creep Week comes to a close again and we all start to feel like it’s safe to get back into the dating pool, I want to talk about the fear of being labeled “creepy”.

There are a lot of people – mostly the socially inexperienced – who worry about being called “creepy” by women and having it destroy their entire lives.  Because, as we all know, all women everywhere are connected to a powerful underground information sharing network, thus ensuring that anyone saddled with the “creeper” label shall never have sex again… not even with himself.

"Latest update ladies. Nick Twisp is on the No -Bone-List"
“Latest update ladies. Nick Twisp is on the No -Bone-List”

OK, I kid. But I understand the fear; most people don’t want to come across as creepy and worry about accidentally ruining an interaction with someone they’re attracted to. It can feel like you’re walking on a tightrope over a pit of flaming, judgmental sharks who are dying to rip your nipples off. Also, you’re doing so without a net. And the tightrope has been greased with all of your unused sperm and is also on fire.

But, like many of the emotional pitfalls and fuck-ups that come with dating, this is a matter that is entirely within your own control. Avoiding being a creeper is equal parts practical measures and self-awareness. Over the years, I’ve noticed some issues that correspond with people being unintentionally creepy, and working on those issues will help you avoid being a creeper.

Obligatory disclaimer: this is baseline behavior. You don’t get – nor should you expect – brownie points for not being a creeper. So with that in mind, let’s talk about some of the ways to avoid being creepy.

[Read more…]

Ask Dr. NerdLove: Can I Ever Trust A Former Abuser?

March 26, 2014 by Dr. NerdLove 137 Comments

Dear Dr.NerdLove,

Recently I met a pretty nice guy. I wasn’t gonna date him but I liked talking with him until one day he confessed that he used to be the abuser in an abusive relationship. That made me wonder what happens to people like that after their abusive relationship ends. I mean, does being an abuser once or twice make a person dangerous for others for life? With STD you at least know that infecting others is not something infected person wants to do. But being violent and manipulative towards one’s partner seems to be something one must be able to control. Which makes a former abuser into a person that others should keep their distance from. Yet, it seems to be a bit unfair. So, my question is whether trusting the former abuser is no different from trusting someone with criminal record or it requires super extra caution because people rarely change?  

No Need For A Clever Name

[Read more…]

Creep Week: Don’t Be THAT Guy

April 26, 2013 by Dr. NerdLove 321 Comments

As Creep Week draws to a close and Con Season is beginning, it’s time to talk about That Guy.

You know. The Creeper. The perv. The guy who either misses or ignores every single signal or sign or unspoken form of communication. The guy who makes people uncomfortable by his very presence. The one who seems to have no respect for the social contract. The one you just can’t get rid of. He clings to your social scene like a lovesick lamprey.

Everybody knows That Guy. There’s almost always one. If he’s not lingering on the fringes of your social circle, then someone has horror stories about him that makes everyone shudder with familiarity.

And lately, there’s been a LOT of That Guy in fandom.

He’s the creepy photographer at conventions. He’s the guy who keeps seeing just where he can put his hand on the booth babe before she says anything.  He’s the guy at the comic store who gives comic fans a bad name. He’s the guy everybody tries to avoid at con parties, drink-ups or get-togethers because he makes inappropriate comments, the guy who seems to invite himself to whatever social gathering he finds out about, whether or not he’s welcome.

He’s the one whom women avoid, the one whose pattern of boundary-crossing behavior makes people feel profoundly uncomfortable. He’s the one who, when called on his behavior, steadfastly insists that he’s done nothing wrong and that people are being mean or dramatic or making too much out of nothing. Well-meaning people will explain that “he’s harmless” or “he’s just Bob being Bob”. Drama-averse people may acknowledge that yeah, he’s a little on the creepy side, but he’s really not that bad and maybe people should give him a chance because nobody really wants an ugly scene.

"Oh hey, I was just about to call you again. I was pretty sure your phone was off when I called you all those other times so I really wanted to make sure I left you a message this time..."
“Don’t mind me. I’m just picturing you naked. And on all fours. And covered in yogurt.”

And in fairness: they may be right. That Guy may very well be harmless. He may not have a predatory bone in his body and could barely attack a roast-beef sandwich never mind another person. But whether or not he’s a decent person at heart, his behavior is making other people feel unsafe. Whether or not he presents an actual threat, his behavior is going to be driving people away, whether from parties, comic stores, or conventions.

And sometimes That Guy… is you.

You don’t want to be That Guy.

[Read more…]

About Dr. NerdLove:

Harris O'Malley (AKA Dr. NerdLove) is an internationally recognized blogger and dating coach who gives dating advice to geeks of all stripes. Making nerds sexier since 20011

Remember: Dr. NerdLove is not really a doctor. [Read More …]

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