Hi Doc,
It’s hard finding some solid advice on the internet- but I really enjoy the articles on the website and think they’re pretty sound.
My own dilemma, if you’d be so kind and lend me an eye or two:
I’ve recently been out on some dates with an old classmate. When gushing about our time together with some good guy friends, they all full heartedly approve. Which is great. I’ve not had them all so unanimously and genuinely excited for me about my past prospects before.
However- though this guy is great, I seem to be losing my mind. I know I have some deep personal emotional issues to address on my own (I didn’t have the nicest upbringing- a lot of my childhood was characterized by neglect, abuse and depression resulting in a particularly low self esteem)- but I’ve been really set on targeting these areas and working on learning how to love myself, learning how to be self sufficient (as opposed to codependent). It’s been tough, but I’ve improved VASTLY. But mostly, I don’t want to dump my emotional problems on him. These are my issues I know I need to maneuver through on my own.
But despite my efforts, in the back of my head, when I’m with this guy, I always feel self conscious. Although he expresses interest to continue dating and we’ve already made plans for future dates, I always feel as though one day he’s going to run into someone ‘better’ and completely bail on me. Which has been a pattern in my dating history. “He’s such a handsome and well rounded man, why would he want to be with someone like me?” is a constant thought. Intellectually, I know some answers- emotionally, I feel otherwise.
Furthermore, I feel as if our last date (we went out to dinner) was a bit stunted by these insecurities- I didn’t feel completely there and then consequently, that he was perceiving this as a lack of connection.That we just weren’t GETTING each other. I felt as though everyone in the restaurant was staring at us- mostly at me- and judging us (mostly me)- like “Such a handsome young man. Why is he with her?”
( I’ve not thought to include this, but I thought it may give SOME insight. maybe? but we are also an interracial couple. He’s Irish and I’m half black/half puerto rican. I’m fair- but not as fair as he hahaha)
I know a lot of this may be a product of my difficulty of being able to trust- but how do I learn to relax and trust him? He seems completely worth it and just a great, genuine, caring guy- my solution was to learn how to be better friends with him. For me, establishing friendship helps (I mean, most of my friends are guys. I just assume friendship works better because I feel much more free and without reserve- and especially without so many insecurities). But how does one go about doing that when we already see one another romantically? Do you think I’m even going about this well- or do you see other areas of what I’ve described here to look into?
Going into something that may potentially lead to a long term relationship, honestly, is what I’ve wanted for a very long time, but now I just feel so vulnerable and unsure of what I’m doing- whether we’re moving at an appropriate pace……sometimes- I even doubt my own feelings- aghh!
See, I’m losing my mind! So of course, any and all advice is welcome- and needed haha.
Thanks!
– Lost In My Own Head
