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Ask Dr. NerdLove: Say Yes

January 29, 2014 by Dr. NerdLove 78 Comments

Hi Doc,

It’s hard finding some solid advice on the internet- but I really enjoy the articles on the website and think they’re pretty sound.

My own dilemma, if you’d be so kind and lend me an eye or two:

I’ve recently been out on some dates with an old classmate. When gushing about our time together with some good guy friends, they all full heartedly approve. Which is great. I’ve not had them all so unanimously and genuinely excited for me about my past prospects before. 

However- though this guy is great, I seem to be losing my mind. I know I have some deep personal emotional issues to address on my own (I didn’t have the nicest upbringing- a lot of my childhood was characterized by neglect, abuse and depression resulting in a particularly low self esteem)- but I’ve been really set on targeting these areas and working on learning how to love myself, learning how to be self sufficient (as opposed to codependent). It’s been tough, but I’ve improved VASTLY. But mostly, I don’t want to dump my emotional problems on him. These are my issues I know I need to maneuver through on my own. 

But despite my efforts, in the back of my head, when I’m with this guy, I always feel self conscious. Although he expresses interest to continue dating and we’ve already made plans for future dates, I always feel as though one day he’s going to run into someone ‘better’ and completely bail on me. Which has been a pattern in my dating history. “He’s such a handsome and well rounded man, why would he want to be with someone like me?” is a constant thought. Intellectually, I know some answers- emotionally, I feel otherwise.

Furthermore, I feel as if our last date (we went out to dinner) was a bit stunted by these insecurities- I didn’t feel completely there and then consequently, that he was perceiving this as a lack of connection.That we just weren’t GETTING each other. I felt as though everyone in the restaurant was staring at us- mostly at me- and judging us (mostly me)- like “Such a handsome young man. Why is he with her?”

( I’ve not thought to include this, but I thought it may give SOME insight. maybe? but we are also an interracial couple. He’s Irish and I’m half black/half puerto rican. I’m fair- but not as fair as he hahaha)

I know a lot of this may be a product of my difficulty of being able to trust- but how do I learn to relax and trust him? He seems completely worth it and just a great, genuine, caring guy- my solution was to learn how to be better friends with him. For me, establishing friendship helps (I mean, most of my friends are guys. I just assume friendship works better because I feel much more free and without reserve- and especially without so many insecurities). But how does one go about doing that when we already see one another romantically? Do you think I’m even going about this well- or do you see other areas of what I’ve described here to look into?

Going into something that may potentially lead to a long term relationship, honestly, is what I’ve wanted for a very long time, but now I just feel so vulnerable and unsure of what I’m doing- whether we’re moving at an appropriate pace……sometimes- I even doubt my own feelings- aghh! 

See, I’m losing my mind! So of course, any and all advice is welcome- and needed haha.

Thanks!

– Lost In My Own Head

[Read more…]

Nerd Role Models: The Alpha Geek

August 9, 2013 by Dr. NerdLove 128 Comments

We return to the Nerd Role Model series, where we examine popular characters from geek culture and deconstruct just what makes them so appealing to others… and what you can learn from them. This week, we’re looking into issues of “identity“.

All too often, we unconsciously limit ourselves with self-imposed labels. We assume that our failures – especially in dating – come from who we identify as; Nice Guys vs. Assholes, Alpha Males vs. Betas or High-Status Males vs. everybody else. And if there’s one group that perennially gets caught up in the idea that they’re doomed to live sexless lives in their parents’ basements, it’s the nerd.  It hardly seems fair. Sure, you may not be the most prime physical specimen, but your brain is hung like a moose…

...ladies.
…ladies.

Nerds and geeks may be dominating culture but in the “real” world, when it comes to slapping meatbits together, the jocks and the assholes still have the advantage… right?

Well… actually, no. In fact, when you look at pop culture, there’s a prime example of the sexy geek. We’re talking about someone whose appeal goes beyond the physical and focuses entirely on who he is as a whole. Someone who transcends the supposed stigma of being a “geek” and a “nerd” and has gone on to become one of the most beloved characters of all time.

I give you…

[Read more…]

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About Dr. NerdLove:

Harris O'Malley (AKA Dr. NerdLove) is an internationally recognized blogger and dating coach who gives dating advice to geeks of all stripes. Making nerds sexier since 20011

Remember: Dr. NerdLove is not really a doctor. [Read More …]

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