Hi Doc, I need help.
I’m a guy, 28 years old, and I have no intentions of ever having children. Ever. I could go into all the logical reasons why, such as the world has too many kids, they’re a serious drain on your time, energy and money, restrict the one-on-one time you can have with your partner, and so on. Even if I didn’t believe in all those things however, I simply have no inclination to do so. I’m a very rational person, used to weighing pros and cons, and there’s too much I want to do or accomplish in my life to make room for more than a partner. And just to cement how I feel about it, I’ll tell you that my last girlfriend and I ended our relationship about 2 months ago, because she was 33 and looking to have children, and I… well, see reasons above. And this was a girl I loved (and love) and WANTED to marry, and she felt the same towards me. I’ve heard ‘you’ll change your mind some day’ until my ears bleed, but I certainly can’t even imagine the possibility, or want to.
Now that that’s (finally) out of the way, I recently started hanging out with a girl I used to know in University (we were friends), and just last weekend we made it clear we had feelings for each other. She invited me to dinner at her place tonight. After a good meal and with kissing and cuddling well underway, it happens to slip out that she feels she HAS to have kids, like, it’s her purpose in life (those were her exact words). Fuck.
Brief summary of what happened next: I pulled back and explained, as gently as I could, my views on the matter. I told her I thought it was great that she wanted kids, but that she deserved to be with somebody who wanted that too. She insisted I was getting way ahead of myself, and she wasn’t planning on having kids anytime soon, and then only with someone she loved. I asked what the point was of hanging on to a situation which must inevitably end poorly, when we could both be looking for something better right now? She informed me I had serious issues and that I was so wrapped up in the future I wasn’t able to enjoy what was here now (which I agree with btw, except that I felt this was a dealbreaker situation brewing). We agreed to stay friends, and I left soon after.
Was she right? Have I overeacted? I get that we literally JUST started seeing each other, and it’s weird for things to have gotten deep that fast – and if she had just told me having kids was a POSSIBILTY, that’s fine, I mean, she can let me know when she feels one way or the other, right? But when a girl tells me she absolutely MUST have kids, that’s like telling me she’s a smoker, or shoots heroin, or something (in other words, End Of Relationship). I feel like my logic makes sense, but her comment on ‘living in the moment’ felt painfully true. What do you think?
– Too Well-Adjusted Male