emotional abuse Archives

What Do I Do About My Low Sex Drive?

May 13, 2022 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Doctor’s note: Today’s letter deals with sexual and emotional abusive relationships and sexual assault

Dear Dr. NerdLove:

I (23m) have always had something of a low sex drive, as in, I just don’t really enjoy having sex or masturbating. I mean, there are some times when I do, but I would say it’s probably not on the level of other guys. I can’t really put a number to it or anything, and it’s not an issue with getting it up or anything, that all works just fine. I just don’t really like sex that much – sometimes I want to have it, but most of the time I’d just rather cuddle or spend time with my partner in other ways. This has proven a problem in my relationships and has only gotten worse after a recent one.

I’m not really too stressed out about finding a partner or anything – I don’t really go out to try and pick up girls because that isn’t really how I connect with people. All of my relationships dating back to high school have come as a result of forming a friendship and the girl eventually asking me out, or asking me to ask her out. I’m just worried that I won’t be able to keep a relationship because of my sex drive problem, since it’s caused trouble in pretty much every relationship I’ve had in the past.

It’s only gotten worse after my most recent relationship. Three years ago, I entered a pretty serious long-term relationship. We clicked on basically every level, and the only hold-up was the sexual aspect of the relationship. She had a very high libido, she wanted to have it all the time and I, not wanting to disappoint, would sometimes just force myself to do it even when I really didn’t want to.

Eventually she kind of got tired of how I wasn’t really into sex as much as she was and would voice that to me. I really loved her and imagined I could have a future with her, so I again tried to improve myself for her. She was really into roleplay and would kinda pressure me into acting out these scenarios that made me feel really uncomfortable – I don’t really want to get into the exact specifics of that, but basically it was a “pretend non-consensual” thing that she had done with other partners in the past and was very into (I hated it).

If I mentioned to her that doing these scenarios made me feel gross, she’d just get upset and make a fuss until I gave in. I don’t really think it was extreme enough to call “abuse”, but she would raise her voice, attack certain insecurities of mine, and on a few occasions she would slap or hit me. Not enough to hurt me physically, but it didn’t really make me feel good emotionally. She was very hung up on gender roles and would tell me that I, as a man, should want to do it all the time and be the one to initiate. Again, I really wanted to make things work with her since everything was perfect outside of this one issue – so I just kind of forced myself to do these things I didn’t enjoy.

Eventually I realized that this relationship, as much as I loved 90% of it, wasn’t going to work out. I talked to her and we both agreed we’d be better off with other partners. But my experiences with her have made my sex drive issue worse.

Months ago, a girl I was interested in came on to me at a party, and she put her hand on my leg. Just her touching me made me think of my experiences with my ex. It really spooked me and I had to excuse myself from the situation. I think that whole thing ruined my chances with that girl, and I’ve begun to doubt I’ll ever find a girl that will put up with my issues.

Recently I entered therapy for unrelated reasons, and I’ve been talking with my therapist about these issues. They’ve given me very good advice, but I still feel like I probably couldn’t initiate sex even if I wanted to.

I’m worried I’ll never be able to keep a woman sexually satisfied going forward. My therapist has told me that I can just tell any future partners about the issues I had with my ex and how they affected me, but I can’t think of a way I’ll be able to breach that topic without looking like some kind of weirdo hung up on a girl from years ago.

I’m already seeing a therapist, but I’ve followed your blog for a while, and I was wondering if you would have have any unique insights on how I can conquer this.

Low Key Low-T

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Kanye West Is No Laughing Matter

February 21, 2022 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

It started – as it so often does – with a DM.

“I’m assuming you’re already 15 paragraphs deep on an article Kanye’s behavior…” wrote my good friend Squirrel. Squirrel has long been a sounding board, supplier of memes, Reddit links for column material, and choice, sweet yet devastating dunks delivered in the way that only East Texans can.

So of course, I had to start digging into the latest mess.

Caucasian man in a suit gets angry and smashes the keyboard on the monitor. — Are they *really* your friend if they think you have enough rage in your life?

I’ll be honest: I hadn’t paid that much attention to Kanye’s latest antics. While I was a passing fan of Kanye West’s music – more individual tracks than entire albums – I’d grown tired of the constant “LOL, ‘ye’s off his meds again” tone from social media whenever it was clear he was having a manic episode. It’s hard to feel good giving any oxygen to the latest point-and-laugh controversy when that person is clearly having a mental health crisis. And when Kanye had rolled a truck filled to the brim with roses to his estranged wife’s house… well, ok, it was an incredibly ill-advised Grand Romantic Gesture in an attempt to get his soon-to-be-ex back, but not really something I felt like diving into.

And honestly, after years of incidents like this, it’s been really easy to just roll your eyes at it all. After all, it’s not as though we haven’t seen West do similar over-the-top and ill-advised stunts, from upstaging Taylor Swift to his bizarre, last-minute presidential bid; you could be forgiven for thinking this is just Kanye being Kanye again.

Except it wasn’t. Those roses were part of an ongoing campaign of harassment against Kim Kardashian, one that’s been ongoing since Kardashian filed for divorce over a year ago… and one, it seems, distressingly few folks have been taking seriously. “He’s fighting for his family!” many have said. “He’s just being a provocateur,” others have said. Many have even speculated whether this was a bid for publicity for the release of Donda 2.

But if we’re all honest, it’s glaringly obvious what this is; the only reason we don’t take it seriously is because of his fame, his money and his fans.

Your ex posts about you to their hundreds of followers in ways that make them look like a great parent and make you look like a negligent, terrible parent, but they have to lie or misrepresent the truth to do it

— Jennifer Drake (@drakejenn) February 17, 2022

Let’s talk about why Kanye West’s behavior is no laughing matter, and why we should be paying attention.

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Why Do I Keep Hurting Myself?

August 25, 2021 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Doctor’s Note: this column includes discussion of self-harm

Hi Doc,

I don’t know how to explain this, so I’ll give some background. I’m a 25 guy who never kissed a girl or held hands and so on. I’ve been rejected all my life and in many mean ways, always being told I was too ugly, hideous, disgusting, etc. Of course that hurt me a lot back then and destroyed what left of my confidence and hope that maybe someday someone would like and love me. Now I can imagine myself trying to approach someone again, because I’m scared to death that they will say something like that again and I don’t want to bother them if I’m just not good enough.

That’s normal I guess and I would be somewhat ‘fine’ if I just never tried again talking to girls in a romantic way. However, for some reason I keep repeating myself those words and phrases and keep hurting myself emotionally. I tell myself ‘you’re hideous, no one will ever love you’ or ‘you’ll never get a girlfriend and you’ll die alone’ or ‘why you’re so ugly? kill yourself’ and so on. Or, for instance, at night I listen to romantic or some songs that remind me about girlfriends, love and relationships and I search ‘cute couples’ on google images and I spend hours crying and feeling awful and depriving myself of a good sleep (and the next morning, when I’m sleepy at work, I feel even worse for wasting time on that). Sometimes I go as far as texting myself awful things, just to make me cry.

I don’t know how or when I got this habit, but it’s something I deal on a daily basis. I’m going crazy? I’m just broken? This is a side-effect of my loneliness and being unlovable? I don’t know what to do. I can accept and being ok with people being mean to me, maybe I deserve it, but why on earth I hurt myself?

Bad To Me

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How Do I Friend Zone Someone Without Being a Jerk?

March 10, 2021 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hey Doc,

I’m the type of guy that never really prioritized relationships in high school or college. I was also focused on career, school, and my health. As a result, I never really had any relationship experience, or any experience with women, and, to be honest, I’m just a typical socially awkward nerd (and proud).

However, as I’ve started taking steps towards interacting with women, I realized that while I’m a socially awkward nerd, I’m a nerd who won the genetic lottery. I’ve netted from independent sources that I’m a really good-looking guy. I guess I just got lucky but while I’m really just trying to build friendships with women they tend to jump the boat from friendship to dreaming about a relationship or asking me out when we’ve only really shared a couple classes together and talked a few times over lunch. I usually reject them since I’m really not looking for that right now, but how do I do it without being a huge dick?

With one girl I flatly said “no” to a dinner date proposition, and I really wished I could’ve delivered that nicer because I could tell she was really hurt. I didn’t mean to make her feel that way I just wanted to be honest and not skirt around it like when girls do to guys. I know that’s because they’re socialized to be nice, but most men find it confusing so I just wanted to be blunt. With another girl I could tell she was beginning to catch feelings and I wanted to avoid another situation similar to the one above, and kind’ve just got confused with how to act and cut her off. The friendship fizzled out and it’s a shame I thought she was a cool person. How do I navigate people’s feelings for me without being a douche?

Thanks!

Strictly Platonic

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I Don’t Know How To Help My Husband With His Mental Illness

March 8, 2021 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hi DNL,
I am writing to you about my husband, who is dealing with some serious mental health challenges. I don’t really feel like I have anyone else to talk to about this, because everyone I know is going through equally stressful problems.

Some background, my husband and I have been married for 3 years. When I first met him, he was starting to get seriously ill, and his worsening health was a constant backdrop during our initial friendship and then our dating relationship. After months of terrifying and agonizing symptoms, he almost died and was hospitalized. While in the hospital, he was diagnosed with a lifelong debilitating disease. He started treatment, his health stabilized, and we later married.

During our first year of marriage, we lived with his mom. I was in school, and his disease is disabling enough that he cannot work, so this living situation was our only option. Unfortunately, he grew up in a severely dysfunctional and abusive home, and I experienced some of this during that year. It is what pressured me to get a higher paying job and insist that we move out. I also insisted that my husband start therapy, because he was showing symptoms of mental illness, even then.

While moving out of the dysfunctional home was great for me, it has been very hard for my husband. It has been a shock for him to live in a place where there isn’t daily yelling, fighting, child abuse, drug abuse, and hoarding… All that was normal in his daily existence. He was the person in the family who was expected to “fix” the results of everyone else’s dysfunction, and he surrendered all his aspirations and dreams to do so.

Now that he doesn’t have to be the fixer anymore, he feels worthless. He hates himself and tries to punish himself by refusing medicine and food. He says he knows this is illogical, but he feels like resources should not be “wasted” on a worthless person like him. His therapist says he has depression, anxiety, and PTSD. Sometimes, he is even afraid to leave our bedroom and be seen by our roommates (who love him and would never hurt him), because he spent most of his childhood locked in his room, and would be beaten if he came out. His self esteem problems are worsened because, on top of all this, his physical illness is a disability that keeps him from working. He calls himself a “bum” because I bring in the money, and he calls himself “lazy”, “weak”, and “worthless” when he can’t help around the house on days his illness flares up.

My husband is a smart, funny, enjoyable, and worthwhile person, but he cannot see it. He is an incredible spouse who treats me wonderfully, but whenever I tell him so he doesn’t believe me. I thought he would be happier, once we moved away from the dysfunction, but he has only gotten more unhappy. Without the constant distraction of his family’s drama, he is having to unpack years and years of suppressed trauma and abuse… and it’s causing him to fall apart.

He is still going to therapy, but it is clear this will be a years-long battle for him.

In the meantime, I’m struggling a lot. I am afraid and I don’t feel like I have many outlets for those fears. It is awful to watch my husband have panic attacks and say horrible things about himself. I hate not being able to have a quick solution to make him feel better. I suppose this letter is more of a vent session then a question but, if you have any advise, I would appreciate it.

Feeling Helpless and Worried

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