emotional health Archives - Paging Dr. NerdLove

My Fiance Cheated on Me. Now He Wants An Open Relationship.

November 16, 2020 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hi there Dr NerdLove,

I’m in a mess. I was supposed to get married this summer until we postponed for COVID; then two months ago my fiancé confessed to cheating on me. Not like once or twice, but probably twenty times with maybe a dozen different women, from one-night stands to hookups with a friend of his who I always distrusted to paying for blowjobs at a strip club, happy endings and prostitutes, to more one night stands and bar make outs, to an acquaintance of his (I had seen him flirt with her which feels awful), and lastly with a friend of mine several times after he moved in with me!! Ha!! This was mainly in the first three years of our relationship though earlier this year, while in pre-marital counseling, he ditched me to hang with some poly friends of friends and made out with a woman, though he confessed after.

My last ex cheated on and gaslit me terribly, which fiancé knew. Meanwhile, I knew my (ex?) fiancé wanted to explore sleeping with other people and I did try to have the conversation about how to make it safe for me. Obviously it was never going to be because he was dishonest and had disrespected me and been unethical. Also he never responded to my many efforts to open up a conversation around it, the most serious of which all happened after most of the cheating. Now he says he still needs an open relationship, and he seems to not want reconsidering that to be open-ended. We are living separately and in couples counseling; I’ve told some friends and family but my parents still think I’m engaged. Also, I’m about to be 37, and we were off birth control when he told me and in theory moving on to being open to having kids. I certainly can’t see opening anything up unless I feel radically safe and heard and prioritized which I never have been, and what’s way more important to me is having a secure foundation for being parents. I in theory can be down with sexual exploration but in all honesty it’s just not a priority. (I should also say that in our relationship I had the higher sex drive for years before lowering my expectations, and I almost never said no and I believe when he tells me I gave him the best sex of his life).

Obviously I loved him and wanted to be with him before I knew; when I found out I could clearly see the behaviors I had been ignoring and looking past and could kick myself for tolerating it, and him for letting me go down this path with someone who was being dishonest. I honestly don’t know if I can forgive the laundry list of betrayals, which still make me mighty mad.

Can I forgive him and also deal with his sleeping with other people in future under some theoretical framework that I question he could honor? Even less unsure! I guess I’m just looking for an outside opinion on what to do. He confessed out of guilt and has been willing to apologize and work on things, though some projection and resentment have popped up from him along the way that haven’t helped. He fundamentally shuts down when I need support a lot of the time, so maybe I just can’t at all be with him despite the other times together he made me happy. It sucks and I kind of can’t believe I have to deal with something this egregious again (but like, more so).

Heart Needs a Second Chance?

[Read more…]

These Are Things You Only Learn When Your Friend Dies

November 11, 2020 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

This was the exact sort of update I never wanted to write.

Back in 2017, I wrote “What Nobody Tells You About Grieving“as a way of dealing with feelings of losing a beloved pet and all the things it brought out about losing my father and grandmother over the years. At the time, it felt like it was going to be the last thing I needed to say about grief for a while.

And then it wasn’t.

It’s not an exaggeration to say that this year has been a shit-show for everyone. Between the pandemic, the lockdown and the election, 2020 has felt like chaos personified. But for all of the stress, headache, heartache and confusion… I’d been one of the lucky ones. I’ve been in a privileged position where things were tough, but I wasn’t at risk of losing my job or my home. I hadn’t lost family members to the QAnon cult. While some of my extended family were Trump voters, things hadn’t devolved so far that it felt like things were hopeless or that there wasn’t a way back for them. And while COVID touched friends and family members, I had been lucky enough that nobody had died from it. While some friends were and are dealing with the long-haul effects of COVID-19, I have been blessed with the fortune of not having lost loved-ones. While there were losses and we all had to learn how to deal with funerals at a time when it simply wasn’t and isn’t safe to go… there was some comfort in that they were losses that were a long time coming. Something that you could prepare for, something that you would functionally mourn in advance, even if you couldn’t be there with your friends to support them or receive support.

And then things started to seem like they were turning around. On Friday, it was starting to become clear that the nightmare of the Trump presidency was coming to an end. On Saturday, it was official: the election was over and Biden had won. On Sunday, we were going to have a small celebration with members of our family by choice, friends who were part of our quarantine pod. This was an important thing for us, especially as some of our friends in this group had to disown their biological family for their toxicity and hate.

And then I got the phone call. My friend Bert Belasco had died suddenly and without warning. He had been found dead in his hotel room in Virginia, where he had been quarantining while waiting for production to start on his new series.

As I write this, we still don’t know for sure what the cause of death was; the best guess is an aneurysm, but we still don’t have any answers. All I know is that 2020 reached out with one last suckerpunch on the way out the door and my world turned upside down.

And so now I’m sitting here, trying to process my feelings in public. I want to say that I’m doing this because I feel that it’s important to talk about loss and grief. That we’ve all shared in this monumental loss, as more than 200,000 Americans have died during this pandemic.

But if I’m being honest, it’s because right now I’m in a lot of pain. Someone great left us and I want people to know about it, damn it.

[Read more…]

How To Build Emotional Strength

October 14, 2020 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Right now everything feels like chaos. We’re living through the worst pandemic the world has seen in more than 100 years. We are less than three weeks out from an election that feels like our choice is whether to pull America back from the brink of fascism or not. Our lives have been thrown into pandemonium like we’ve never known, even as people seem to insist that we’re fools for being concerned about a virulent disease. Violent extremists are attacking innocent protestors and activists and the people in charge are hosting giant gatherings all but guaranteed to spread the virus.

And yet life stubbornly insists on continuing like normal.

This is legitimately how it feels some days…

It’s enough to make you feel like you’re going mad. Like you want to give up and just scream.

But even under the best of circumstances — when the world doesn’t feel like it’s teetering on the verge of collapse — there are times when life feels like it’s too much. There are days when you feel like you’re hanging on by your fingernails and you just want to let go. There are days when you simply don’t feel like you have the strength to keep going. Whether it’s chasing your long-term goals and dreams, finding the desire to keep moving forward, or even summoning up the courage to make the hard decisions, you will face moments that will push you to your very limits.

Those are the times when you need to have the resources to keep going. You need to build your emotional strength. You need to have the will and the strength to not just persevere but to thrive.

Here’s how.

[Read more…]

Episode #152 — This Is What Nobody Tells You About Having ADHD

October 7, 2020 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Growing up, I knew I was struggling with things that other people seemed to be able to do without a second thought. I thought I was just lazy, that I needed to be more disciplined and to take things more seriously. But it never worked, and I never understood why.

Now, after a lifetime of searching, I finally have the answers.

This week, I want to talk with you about my experiences with having been diagnosed with ADHD as an adult, how it can affect you and your relationships, and my experiences with getting diagnosed and getting treated.

Here’s what happened.

SHOW HIGHLIGHTS:

What people get wrong about ADHD
Why so many people don’t get diagnosed or treated when they need it
How having ADHD can affect your confidence and your relationships
Why people with ADHD have anxiety and depression
How getting treatment has changed my life

…and so much more.

RELATED LINKS:

Overcome Your Fear of Rejection – https://www.doctornerdlove.com/overcome-your-fear-of-rejection/

Top 5 Dating Mistakes — https://www.doctornerdlove.com/top-5-dating-mistakes/

This is What Happened After I Tried Meditation for 30 Days — https://www.doctornerdlove.com/this-is-what-happened-after-30-days-of-meditation/

You Must Unlearn What You Have Learned — https://www.doctornerdlove.com/how-to-unlearn-what-you-have-learned/

When It’s Time To Ask For Help — https://www.doctornerdlove.com/when-its-time-to-ask-for-help/

ADHD In Adults — https://www.additudemag.com/adhd-in-adults/

Listen Here
Download Here

Don’t forget to subscribe and review us on iTunes , Stitcher, Spotify and on YouTube.

Like the podcast? Become a Dr. NerdLove patron at Patreon.com/DrNerdLove

Want more dating advice? Check out my books at www.www.doctornerdlove.com/books

[Read more…]

When Is It Time To Let Someone Go?

September 11, 2020 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hey Doc,
So about a year ago I met this girl, we’ll call her K. K was the new girl at work and we had a “will they/won’t thing” for bit. We did go out for a bit but it didn’t work out. The problem was we kinda went back into a “will they/won’t they routine.”

It was a frustrating experience, sometimes she acted like she wanted to try dating again other times she acted like she didn’t really want to do anything with me. Eventually the dance ended when we out for a Valentine’s dinner (neither of us has ever had a date for Valentine’s Day so we decide to be each other), and at the end of it she told me she had feelings for a different guy. Our relationship really hasn’t been the same since, because whenever she’s around me she sometimes still acts like she’s interested in me.

The only that I can think of that explains her behavior is that she misses the attention I used to give her but doesn’t want anything more than that. Which comes to my question should I drop her from my life?

She’s not a bad person but the constant back and forth just hurts me to be honest. Like I know we are never going to be thing, I really don’t want to be a thing with her after all this. The whole experience has left me feeling confused.

Any advice you could give me would be nice.

Thanks

Round and Round

[Read more…]