emotional health Archives - Page 2 of 5

Ask Dr. NerdLove: Should I Hold Out For Something Better?

May 3, 2019 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hey, Dr NerdLove,

I’m having trouble dealing with the various impulses between my relationship, my career, my balls and my mind.

For a timeline: I’ve been dating this girl for 7 months now. Due to some family divorce and job relocation circumstances, we’re basically living together now and have signed a year lease.

One on one, she’s very fun to be around. We’re both flirty and weird with each other, are very experimental in bed and love doing adventurous things together. When I’m with her alone, it feels like nothing else matters; we’re literally like children together most nights. Her character and personality are admirable: she’s made me aware of my own shortcomings, has taught me the value of constructing a shared narrative with someone I trust and her optimism is contagious. However there are two triggering situations which make me rethink my dating situation:

Firstly, I constantly see pictures of other girls and feel like I’m settling. I will admit there are definitely angles and clothing and lifestyle changes which she works to her advantage, but sometimes it really doesn’t feel like enough. She’s acutely aware of me feeling this way, as I’m bad at hiding emotions, and blames my feelings on the whole ‘Tinder generation’ if there always being something better. She may have a point, but to what degree should I suppress this urge?

Second, to add fuel to the ego fire, I recently got a big job promotion and will be in sales. It’s a difficult enough job as it is, where I’ll have to be focused and sophisticated with my social interactions, but it also gives me a huge ego boost. I feel that the money, status and opportunities I’ll be presented with will be continue feeding the beast within me that desperately wants all the spoils life has to offer, which would contradict a monogamous relationship. I’m 24, and while I’ve screwed many girls already, I’ve become such a higher quality individual and feel I deserve more.

Can you help me understand if this is something many guys feel? If so, how long will it be before I can’t take it anymore? In the meantime, what can I do to keep myself satisfied with her?

Thanks a lot for reading,
Settling Down or Settling For?

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Ask Dr. NerdLove: Should I Stop Waiting For Him To Change?

February 25, 2019 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hey Doc,

So I’ve been off and on with someone who I’ve been in a long distance relationship with. We’ve known each other for four years going onto five and we haven’t seen each other.

We’ve been on and off mainly because he was mentally unstable, depressed, and elusive. Fights would happen, then he would disappear for almost months and randomly text me. We would fall back in love with each other, then he would promise to make an effort to handle his mental health, not confuse me, and work on his finances so that’d we’d be able to see each other. Last year, I had the money to come down and see him but he did the same thing again. The trip was delayed because I didn’t want to waste money on coming to see him if our relationship wasn’t in good shape.

This is the beginning of year five, I’ve found myself another job for the spring and summer and I’ll be going back to college in August. My boyfriend seems to still be pretty depressed. still talks about a writing project he and his friends were working on to get money coming in, and every once in a while, he’ll tell me that he’s looking for jobs. Most of the time when I video chat him, he’s smoking weed or playing video games in his living room/bedroom. The only thing I seen a change in is that he does check in on me more often and asks if I am okay, tells me he is here for me, etc. Either his mom seems to be okay with his current state or either he emotionally manipulates his mom into cutting him slack by blowing up and threatening suicide.

(He did that to me in the past when I spoke on things he needed to actually work on and stop waiting for his blessings to come in).

Knowing him for four years, I know he has a good heart but there’s little action or effort to what he says or promises me. I’ve been contemplating on whether I should visit him this April to kick things off ,or wait until he’s financially stable to pitch in the expenses. I know I will be upset with myself and him if I go out my way to visit him for the first time just to see that he still isn’t going to make an effort to get a job. The last thing I want is to be the only one making moves.

Also, I know that visiting each other won’t be the cure to his depression, anxiety, and suicidal tendencies, but I worry about investing emotionally in someone who may continue to not put any effort into bettering his mental health. I want to see him because it’s been too long. but at the same time I don’t know if I should delay seeing each other for the first time again or let him go because of the lack of progress.

Should I break up with him or take things slower until I see progress?

Leaving On A Jet Plane

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Ask Dr. NerdLove: Do I Owe Anything To My Ex?

February 22, 2019 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

(Doctor’s Note: Today’s column includes frank discussion about abusive relationships and suicide)

Hi Doc,

I’m in a confusing, morally conflicted place and I could use an outside perspective.

For a long time, I was crushing on someone tangentially attached to my friend group. This didn’t stop me from dating other people, but I always paid attention to this woman in case my chance ever came up. Unfortunately, she was dating (in my biased opinion) a weapons grade asshole who was, at a minimum, verbally and mentally abusive to her. There was gossip he was physically abusive, with no obvious proof. Eventually, they broke up.

I waited a respectful amount of time then asked her out. We went on a few dates, things went well, we went on a few more, became exclusive, and time marches on. She tells me over and over I am the best boyfriend she’d ever had, she’s never been happier, so I thought things were going ok.

Until the ex shows up again, swearing he has changed, and he wants her back. You can probably guess what happened next. At first, she wanted nothing to do with him. Then she agreed to contact because she wanted closure. Then she agreed to continuing contact because she felt sorry for him. Then suddenly, she’s “unsure” how she feels about him. When it got to that point, I told her she had a choice; either him or me. She said was not prepared to make that choice. So, I broke up with her.

I didn’t scream or yell. The last time we spoke, I wished her well. I also told her that I seriously doubted the ex had changed, and I thought she was heading towards big trouble with him. I requested that when that trouble came, to leave me out of it. Given how betrayed I felt, I was not up for even pretending we could “still be friends” nor would I be willing to “get in touch” or “catch up” or anything like that after the you-know-what hit the fan. I unfollowed her on all social media, removed every physical reminder of her I could find, and went on with my life. I never brought her up or discussed her with any of our mutual friends and discouraged those friends from telling me about her. Nevertheless, I learned she moved in with the ex shortly after our break-up, which didn’t improve my mood.

Unfortunately, turns out the ex hadn’t changed. About a year after the break-up, I heard about things going badly for her; she had to flee their apartment, he got scary to the point the police got involved. Our friends started a collection to help her defray the costs of finding a new place and buying essentials. I was very happy to give money to that. But now, I’m hearing from our friends that she wants to “talk”.

I could not have been clearer when we broke up, and I have not changed my mind. I am not interested in that. Some have told me it would help her heal to talk with me. I don’t see her healing as my responsibility. I have been accused of being a bad ally. I have been told I am cruel for being willing to ignore what we once had. I would never say this to her, but I can’t help but notice that what we had didn’t count for much in the moment, so it isn’t clear why it should mean that much to me years later.

Other friends have said that if I really meant what I said about not being involved I never would have given that money; that by doing so, I raised an expectation that a relationship could be salvaged, and it would be cruel to take that away. If I am honest, that argument makes some sense to me. It doesn’t make me want to interact with her, but it does make me wonder if I have obliged myself to do so.

Finally, are some mutual friends that support my decision.

I read all this over and I know I must sound like a cold, unfeeling bastard. Believe me when I say the opposite is the case. It is way beyond my ability to describe my dread when the ex showed back up and she started giving him more and more of her time, or to describe the kick in the balls it was when she admitted she still had feelings for him, or how sad and lonely I felt when I was getting rid of all my reminders of her. Even now, there’s a part of me that fantasizes that we’ll meet back up and live happily ever after. But I know that isn’t going to happen. The same part of me that knew the ex was bad news (for her and for me) when he resurfaced knows that nothing good is going to come of re-engaging with her. It isn’t about punishing her, it’s about protecting me.

My preferred outcome would be to communicate back to her through our mutual friends that I am glad she is safe and well, and the best way for her to remain so is to focus on her future, not dwell on the past. If she believes aspects of our previous relationship offers some insight, she would be better served working that out with a professional. For my part, I am not interested in any sort of relationship (romantic or platonic) going forward.

So I guess my question to you is given our history and what she has been through, do I owe her anything? Am I obliged to meet her in person and hear what she has to say? Or can I go through with my preferred outcome and consider that a justifiable response? Your opinion would be appreciated.

Thanks,

Gluing Myself Back Together

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Ask Dr. NerdLove: What Do You Do When You’re Too Ugly To Date?

November 16, 2018 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Doc,

I used to believe that beauty is subjective and different people like different things. But that’s complete bullshit and there are certain features that would make a guy attractive for any girl. It’s just how it is.

Dimples, nice smile, warm eyes etc. I have none of those. My face is an egg, I have a weird look in my eyes, and despite weighing 70kg and being 1.85m tall my face is still chubby and when I smile I look like a disabled person. No girls would ever look at me, and none ever told me I’m good looking, cute etc. Except from my mom and grandmother which doesn’t count. My friends keep telling me I have a great personality but let’s face it, personality is irrelevant if you don’t look good.

And I’m guilty of liking only very pretty, cute, hot, sexy girls who everyone would agree they are good looking. And none of these girls would look at me. Not even average girls don’t. I never saw a girl looking at me. I’m almost 18 and I never ever dated a single girl, never held hands with one and never kissed one. And even if through a miracle a girl I find hot likes me, I’ll probably hardly fail to flirt with her since I HAVE 0 EXPERIENCE and I’ll just look like and idiot. And boom, there it goes.

I’ll find myself at 25 still a virgin unable to find “love”. I’m still trying to accept the idea I’ll die alone but its hard. And no, I’ll not find love at 30 or 22 or whatever, and no I will not pay for escorts. If I don’t find anyone until I’m 18,thats too late. I’ll completely give up searching “love” and I’ll just join some satanic cult and listen to suicidal songs or something. All my friends have had girlfriends and I’m the only one who, whenever people talk about relationships and girls get “You don’t know anything about this” , “just don’t say anything, you’re still a virgin wtf dude” and so on.

I tried improving myself and I still do. The more I try to look good, the uglier I realise I become. When I try becoming good at something, I always fail. I know it because I tried getting new skills and stuff but it’s pointless because no matter how hard I try, I’m useless at everything. I tried dating apps, but even in my best pics, I look bad. I got only a couple of matches from average-ugly girls. The problem is that I’m an useless ugly piece of shit with standards. I’ve got too high standards. I don’t care the least about a girl’s personality unless she looks as good as a Korean model.

To understand how big of a problem it is, I wouldnt be able to walk out on the street or in a mall with an average looking girl. I’ll be ashamed of doing that. I think its the fact that I’m ugly and frustrated and never liked by anybody makes me like that. It’s because I lack looks that I crave only very good looking girls, and I just don’t know what to do and how to deal with being ugly and shit.

Huckin’ Fugly

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Ask Dr. NerdLove: Why Do Guys Only Want Me For Sex?

November 9, 2018 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hello Dr. NerdLove,

I am at my wits end trying to suss out why men only see me as worthy for sex, and not a relationship. I see you advise many men on being awkward and asperger-y, but if there’s a woman one related to my issues well I’ve missed it. I’d kill for some advice.

Grew up in rural hell, overweight since age of 8, relentless teasing followed and a spate of boys asking me out as a ‘joke’. My sisters say “toxic masculinity”, but the day it started to feel more personal was when I changed schools hours apart, lost weight, AND IT HAPPENED AGAIN. So no dating for me as a teen despite wanting is ever so badly.

Hit 18, move far away to the city, get down to a respectable 140lbs and feel it’s time to come into my own. Only skeevy men (like 60 year old bar flys and 50 year old tow truck drivers) ask me out, usually hinting it’s less out than in, and I become disillusioned. After hitting clubs, becoming more confident, and even asking a guy out I liked (only to have him lick my face like a dog) I decided this wasn’t the time.

I end up in NYC, gain the weight back to about 200, and a weird version of my prior problems begins again. Men asking me out, not as a joke, but only for sex and lying about actually wanting more than pussy (I mean, yeah I know it’s not uncommon). I’m young, naive, fall for it all, finally have sex, and get into two 1.5 month relationships. The final one ends when I find out he actually had never broken up with his prior girlfriend.

My life… gets worse. An unrelated GamerGate-like situation happens and my life is ruined, I gain PTSD and an anxiety disorder, also jump to about 220lbs higher than ever before. I try counseling, first guy is great…the rest are awful.

I end up back in NYC last year, met a man I swore I was going to marry. I finally felt good about myself and my prospects for the first time in years. It had been about 4 years between the prior 1.5 and this man. We have similar interests, I find him wildly attractive, he challenges me without putting me down, and he doesn’t do anything wildly inappropriate when we meet.

We date but once again, it’s a secret. I set a boundary: okay fine cuz I’m crazy about you, but at the 3 month mark its either real or done. First month I swear by that BS about ‘something good comes after the rain’ but then it slowly becomes my worst nightmare. Turns out in retrospect I truly believe for various reasons he is a sociopath, and he was mimicking my emotions with no sincere care or feelings of his own.

It becomes emotionally abusive and I’m stunned in my 30s with all the work I’d done on myself that I’d fall for this shit. I no longer feel good about myself, he’s constantly mocking my weight, ptsd, and fact I’m just plain not good enough. He even went to meet my family, then claimed it was never serious and I shouldn’t have read into it!!! Shockingly I ended it after watching Archer and seeing him be that way to Pam, who my asshole ex was sure Archer would never sleep with.

We unfortunately are around each other, not by choice, despite the end, and I lose all my sanity within months. He gets a new gf and tells me how she’s thin and better than me. He continues mocking the fact I was alone, so sets me up with a friend of his thats only a friends with benefit thing. That ends not badly but because that’s just not my scene man.

I have a nervous breakdown. I move away again. I see a new therapist. She seems great until one day she declares I should have just kept my legs shut then abuser wouldn’t have been a problem! I swear off therapy forever as this is not the first bad incident I’ve had (the prior good guy was like 1 in 5 attempts). I go for the weed and prozac. And now I’m alone, 32, and in rural hell again.

When I was a kid they mocked me because I wasn’t good enough. Now I’m too good at what I shouldn’t be (have traveled, have done things out in the world when they haven’t left the state line), and still bad at what I should be (weight). I seriously pursued bariatric surgery after the breakdown, but I have a hard time believing I should seriously curtail my ability to eat and drink in life so maybe a few more bar flys will find me worthy.

Online dating sucks in the city and in rural hell. I am succinct and put no hookups, all I get is hookups despite the app, the area, the pictures chosen. And frankly not having kids and not loving Trump already made the replies low in this place.

All I can conclude now is that through a decade, through thin and fat, confident and not confident, good and sane and now broken, city and rural, the only constant is me. And it must be something wrong with me. I have literally never been asked out in a manner that didn’t imply it was going right to the bedroom (or just out and out said it). The only time in my life I could get interest is when I was looking for hookups to fuck the pain away over my abuser. I can go to bars, concerts, lectures, book stores, whatev and nobody ever engages me. The last guy to engage me in a thrift store told me I should wear the thin shawl I was looking at for Halloween, and only it. When I quipped that would be mighty cold he laughed and told me to tell ‘him’ (bf/husband I assume?) he tried. He had to be over 55 and looked like the old barflys.

Dr. NerdLove I am seriously at my wits end. I’m lonely, bad at reading social cues anyway (the conclusion is I’m probably on the spectrum; but no one has ever done a full test), and absolutely baffled as to why I am so unworthy of genuine love. And I’d like to stress I find older men (of good taste, not barflys of course) handsome, fat and thin I’ve been with, white and black and latino. Most of my dates I end up paying my share (the last one the guy tried to sneak his beers on my tab… I just let it slide because it was so awful and I wanted it to end). I can’t imagine wanting a clean (hygiene and appearance) guy between 25 and 60 is such a high standard. The last tinder convo I had asked me if *I* was clean STD wise…after agreeing they weren’t looking for sex. I deleted it. I’ve done POF, Match and OkCupid too.

I’m lonely as hell and about to resign to it. Please help.

Fantastic Frustrated Female

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