Hello Doc,

I’ve been struggling for over a decade to express my interest and sexual desire to women in any meaningful way. When opportunity is there, I instinctively disengage and mentally collapse inward. I become physically anxious and upset, even while my thoughts are calm or elsewhere altogether. Call it shyness, call it social anxiety, I call it self-sabotage.

Living like this for my entire adult life (currently 30) has left me with what I can only describe as a voice in my head that routinely speaks up with the facade of caring, concerned protection. But what it says is less than helpful with commentary like:

“You shouldn’t talk to her”
“You’re here to (#activity), not talk to people”
“You don’t need this anxiety/stress”
“It’s better to be lonely than stressed and anxious being with her”
“This (flirting) isn’t you”
“This (love) isn’t for you”

This endless and repetitive chatter has me locked in place. I try to put myself in as many situations as possible where it’s socially acceptable and expected to at the very least mingle with people (taking dance and yoga classes, going out with friends and coworkers for drinks, to name a few examples). But I always lock up. My mind goes blank or I focus on anything else and keep things platonic. Or worse, I don’t engage at all. Occasionally I’ve even given myself a good old fashion panic attack, simply by thinking about approaching the girl and asking her out. In my day to day life I often don’t even make eye contact with women, instinctively getting tunnel vision and going along with my day like they’re not even there. I easily talk myself out of being more adventurous, always relying on others to initiate activities or conversations. Weekends are often spent alone because I cannot motivate myself to go out and explore, be social.

From digging deep with my therapist, I’ve determined I hold a strong fear of both rejection, and attraction, caused by the betrayal of a friendship in my early childhood which established the core belief that no one can be completely trusted. This birthed the “helping” voice in my head that tells me I shouldn’t open up more to anyone, I shouldn’t express myself, and I cannot be completely comfortable with anyone.

So the question then is how do I break the fear of attraction? How do I learn to express myself freely, express my sexuality, and embrace attraction and compassion from others instead of avoiding it?

Thanks for your time.

Panic Button

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