I met this girl last summer as a tour guide while I was on vacation. My grandpa talked me into asking her out before we left town, so I gathered up the courage and ended up taking her out two nights in a row, only to sadly leave the next morning…8 hours away back home. We stayed in touch and texted/snap chatted daily, skyping or calling occasionally. I realized from the start something grand was in the midst here, the chemistry was flawless…or so I thought.
I made the massive mistake of not kissing her before I left to go back home. Luckily, she teased me about it in our many all-night-conversations. I managed to make it back for a couple days in September (we met in June). I traveled down with some work friends and stayed with them the first night, going to hang out with my girl then returning, after FINALLY kissing her of course. However, the second night she invited me to stay at her place. We were sitting around watching TV when things started to get hot and heavy. She climbs on top of me and straddles my lap while we make out. We go for a while, and I realize there’s no soldier standing at attention…if you catch my drift. She becomes rather frantic and scurries off to the bathroom.
Now I had recently gotten out of a 3 year relationship that January, she had just come out of a 2 year one in May. I had one other failed attempt with a girl I knew from high school back in May that I simply brushed off as being due to alcohol.
I explained to her that it had nothing to do with her, and that I was just nervous because it had been so long. So we left it at that and I returned back home the next morning. We continued to talk to every day and gradually made conversation about my dreadful embarrassment. I knew by now that I was without a doubt head over heels for this girl. So I knew this problem HAD TO GO.
I began to worry about it in my spare time, in work, and even in classes. “What do I do if it happens again”, ” how can I make sure I do everything right next time and leave her fully satisfied”.
I returned to visit in October, she allowed me to stay with her at her apartment. Things were grand, as they always are, except in the bedroom. Where I faced the same anxious thoughts, leading to the same outcome. I knew it had to be something on a grander scheme than just nerves. So I went searching.
Now the 3 year relationship I was in prior cannot be classified by any me as as “good”. It was an early infatuation brought on by high school shenanigans that made me think I had found the big “L”. Well I ended up fooling around on her, and never told her until I discovered my problem I’m coming with to you today.
I had a brief moment of relief, managed to go back in November and have halfway decent, but not really, sex with this woman I had fallen so deeply for. Still not what either of us wanted though, and she firmly believed I was unattracted to her. Which could not be more wrong.
So we never really hit the “relationship” phase and both agreed that nothing was off limits and we would just classify ourselves as what we had become, which was best friends. Well knowing that I still had a “problem” I wanted to test the waters and see just how big of a problem this was. So I went for a visit to the ex. Not a problem in sight. Actually more clarity that I knew it wasn’t because of buried feelings for her, but nonetheless, the sex was still fun, no problems on my part.
I went back in December and managed to have slightly, but still not great, sex with her. “What is missing from this that makes it easy to just rip off her clothes any hour of the day” I kept thinking to myself. How can someone I find so deeply beautiful, sexy, and astounding be so hard to just pick up and lay down.
So we see each other in February, and the end of April with still little to no real drive in my bones, all the while my anxious thoughts telling me something was wrong with me, and the constant fear that I would mess something up. I arrive the first of May and stay with her for 3 weeks straight. We become close than I ever could have imagined, and the sex definitely got better. She told me later on though, that I left her feeling undesirable because of my lack of physical affection in public, during the day, or just anywhere in general and that it felt like a “white-bread” relationship. We had also decided to try the whole “relationship” badge on while I was there for the summer.
So I struggled and beat myself up over hearing this from the girl I so deeply care about. “How could I do this, I’m so stupid for making her feel this way, she doesn’t deserve this”. So I tried to be more affectionate, only to find my thoughts holding me back, wondering if I’d do something wrong or let her down again.
The love continued to grow though, she traveled with me back to my hometown and I helped move her home for the remainder of the summer. Her home being 3 hours from where her college and my internship were. We made trips to see each other on weekends and finally we dropped the big “L” bomb one weekend at her parents house. I knew it was real.
Well summer has come and gone and I’m now back at college, still talking to her everyday. I went back for a visit last week after being home for about 3 weeks, I notice those irrational fears creeping back in my head, “there’s not much time to spend now, better make it all count” “don’t let her down”. Sure enough, I let her and myself down, big time. I was never able to fully do ANYTHING the whole 3 days I was there. Leading her to become quite tired of trying to counsel me through this.
So I returned back feeling worse than ever, hating myself more than ever, and entering a very depressive state. She told me before I left that she wanted to go back to how things were before summer, meaning that we kinda take the title off and give each other the freedom to do whatever…this hurt me…a lot. I honestly don’t believe she’ll do anything, but it gives her a sort of control to make her feel better and I’ll take anything at this point to not lose her.
I’m going tomorrow to talk to my school counselor, just to try and figure something out. She’s losing patience, and I’m losing my grip.
Good ole fashioned lover boy