Dear Dr. NerdLove:
I have a friend that I’ve known since college and we’ve kept in contact well after I graduated. However, due to our own responsibilities, we had times when we wouldn’t contact each other for months at a time. But when we did reconnect, it was almost like that hiatus never happened. I consider this person a close friend who loves the same nerdy things even more than I do.
Recently (I’d say over the course of a year and a half), we’ve been talking more frequently. In October of last year, he invited me to spend the day with him at NYCC (New York Comic Con). Had a dope- ass time with him. I actually hung out with him at his place for about 4 hours last week and I had a great time. He said he enjoyed having me over as well. We didn’t do anything except game and chat (we are both fairly introverted). During one of our conversations, he told me that as long as I let him know when, I can show up at his place pretty much whenever. He even mentioned that I could also spend the night if I wanted, something that no male has ever offered to me. I’m someone with no dating experience, so I’m not sure what would be the proper way of thinking about his offer.
He has since invited me out to other events and for me to come over to his place again. And honestly, he’s an awesome dude to be around, and I even developed a bit (that’s putting it mildly) of a crush on him. I’m keeping all of my expectations low, in case it turns out that he just likes hanging out with me.
That being said, deep down, I believe that he is developing feelings for me. I’ve hung out with him multiple times at his house. We’ve moved on from just gaming to watching movies together. During the movie, I even sometimes catch him staring at my face, and when we have conversations, he positions himself facing me and maintains eye contact. It actually sometimes get awkward. My recent visit had him complimenting my hair, which I totally wasn’t expecting. He opens up to me a lot as well. And when it’s time for me to leave, he seems reluctant to let me go.
So, yeah, I’m here asking for advice; how would you interpret this behavior? Please help a poor, inexperienced soul out.
Thanks in advance.
Reading The Tea Leaves
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I’ve been reading/listening to your blog and podcast for a while now and know that you get a lot of questions about the friendzone but here I am with another question. It’s the same issue except reverse-gendered (so I guess I’m stuck in the bro-zone as opposed to the friendzone): I’ve gotten to know this guy pretty well over the past semester and have really fallen for him. We talk a lot and have an emotional connection and I think he at least used to have feelings for me (and may still do, who knows). The problem is, once I started to realize my feelings for him I also found out about his budding relationship with a mutual friend of ours. I was too stressed about all that emotional drama and decided to overcome it by confessing to him and then kind of friendzoning him… I know, it’s a pretty stupid move but I just couldn’t handle all that drama at the moment and I really needed to focus on raising my grades. So I told him I liked him, we both agreed that he wasn’t ready for a relationship (he had some religious issues to sort out), and went back to being friends. Except now I’ve become pretty much his closest confident and I’m pretty much always hearing about him and the mutual friend’s relationship (they’ve admitted to both liking each other, decided to have a probationary period of ‘friendship’ cuz of his religious issue, and now he’s stressed because he feels like she’s putting so much effort into the relationship and he still feels unsure about even going into a dating relationship). And I’m hearing about this all the time while still liking him. But trying to get over the fact that I like him. And acting like I don’t like him.
tl;dr I like this guy, I brozoned myself, he’s on the cusp of going into a relationship but is technically still single; should I try to assert my romantic interests again or simply let go?
– Hole In The Brozone Layer
Dear Dr. Nerdlove,
I have a problem with the Friend Zone.
I met a woman a little over a year ago at a public event, and immediately was attracted to and had a connection with her. Less than 10 minutes later, I found out that she had a boyfriend. I also found out that this boyfriend was close friends with a number of people who had recently become my close friend group. I was sad, but realized that I could not make a move on a taken lady, and especially not one who was seeing an acquaintance of mine.
About two weeks later, I moved into an apartment with this same girl and two other roommates.
I spent the next year dating a different girl on and off, in a relationship with a ridiculous amount of conflict and problems, most of which were caused by the fact that my girlfriend felt I was having an emotional relationship with the first girl (#1).
Three months ago, #1 and her boyfriend broke up.
I have spent the last year pushing down my feelings for this girl, and it has become something that I can’t deny any more. I see all of my core values in her, she makes me smile more than anything else in the world, and she is the only person I can imagine spending a day in bed just talking and laughing with 60 years from now.
We are extremely good friends, but I really do feel that there is something more. Our having a relationship would create a lot of drama in our friend group, but I have already accepted that and feel that it is worth it.
Naturally, I am scared to tell her my feelings because of the ultimate friend zone worry: it might ruin the friendship. However, I really do feel that she treats me like someone that she has feelings for.
She touches me often, and hugs me longer than any of her other friends.
She tells me that she misses me more than anyone else in the world.
On MULTIPLE occasions, we’ve gotten drunk at parties and danced, and she tells me I’m so hot, I’m so attractive, and then she makes it seem like she wishes she could make a move on me.
I cannot lose this woman.
I’ve never met anybody who made me as happy.
What should I do?
– Ross Needs Rachel