flirting Archives - Paging Dr. NerdLove

So I’ve been off and on with someone who I’ve been in a long distance relationship with. We’ve known each other for four years going onto five and we haven’t seen each other.

We’ve been on and off mainly because he was mentally unstable, depressed, and elusive. Fights would happen, then he would disappear for almost months and randomly text me. We would fall back in love with each other, then he would promise to make an effort to handle his mental health, not confuse me, and work on his finances so that’d we’d be able to see each other. Last year, I had the money to come down and see him but he did the same thing again. The trip was delayed because I didn’t want to waste money on coming to see him if our relationship wasn’t in good shape.

This is the beginning of year five, I’ve found myself another job for the spring and summer and I’ll be going back to college in August. My boyfriend seems to still be pretty depressed. still talks about a writing project he and his friends were working on to get money coming in, and every once in a while, he’ll tell me that he’s looking for jobs. Most of the time when I video chat him, he’s smoking weed or playing video games in his living room/bedroom. The only thing I seen a change in is that he does check in on me more often and asks if I am okay, tells me he is here for me, etc. Either his mom seems to be okay with his current state or either he emotionally manipulates his mom into cutting him slack by blowing up and threatening suicide.

(He did that to me in the past when I spoke on things he needed to actually work on and stop waiting for his blessings to come in).

Knowing him for four years, I know he has a good heart but there’s little action or effort to what he says or promises me. I’ve been contemplating on whether I should visit him this April to kick things off ,or wait until he’s financially stable to pitch in the expenses. I know I will be upset with myself and him if I go out my way to visit him for the first time just to see that he still isn’t going to make an effort to get a job. The last thing I want is to be the only one making moves.

Also, I know that visiting each other won’t be the cure to his depression, anxiety, and suicidal tendencies, but I worry about investing emotionally in someone who may continue to not put any effort into bettering his mental health. I want to see him because it’s been too long. but at the same time I don’t know if I should delay seeing each other for the first time again or let him go because of the lack of progress.

Should I break up with him or take things slower until I see progress?

Leaving On A Jet Plane

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Ask Dr. NerdLove: I Missed My Chance. What Do I Do Now?

February 18, 2019 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Dear Dr. NerdLove,

It starts about a year ago:
I’m snagging some dice for a new campaign at this out of town game and comic shop one afternoon. Another customer catches my eye, ‘cause he’s just wow: working man’s gear, dirty blonde hair with serious scruff and he’s a big boy – solid with some cuddly poundage. Think Tyler Labine in Dale and Tucker vs. Evil.

He leaves, I finish up, and he’s still outside the store due to a winter sleet storm. I offer a lift and he gladly accepts. We start talking – both came from small towns, do creative writing, and dork out over Kirk coming to the civic center. He thanks me and we part ways.

Fast forward to now: After a few rocky years and much marriage counseling my wife and I call it off in December. (She was cool with my bisexuality as we both took our vows very seriously.) We still attend counseling as we’ll always be co-parents and are amicably parting.

Now I’m starting to explore the male online world and most are married guys who want secret meat on the side or dudes looking for an anonymous pump n’ dump. Neither are worth my health or self respect.

So here’s the crux: Is it cool to pop back to that store on Magic night to see if that Golden Apple of Aphrodite still hangs there – maybe grab a burger and a beer and talk geek afterwards? Or missing him, drop note with a sci-fi short story and ask him to e-mail me one of his?

Haven’t dated in years, and don’t know his preferences, but I not only liked the blind box packaging, I liked what was inside too!

~ Gaga for Geeky Grizzly

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Episode #107 – Who REALLY Has The Power In Dating?

February 13, 2019 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

The power dynamics of dating directly affect your dating success. But who REALLY holds the power when it comes to dating? Why do so many people get the power dynamic of dating wrong and what’s the REAL power when it comes to love, sex and romance?

Show Highlights

How many of the “rules” about dating are self-limiting beliefs in disguise
What we’re REALLY talking about when we ask who has the power in dating
Why women DON’T have it easier than men… and how that helps YOU
How to control the interaction
How understanding the power dynamics of an approach can bring you greater dating success.

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Transcripts available at Patreon.com/DrNerdLove

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Ask Dr. NerdLove: How Can I Tell If Someone’s Flirting With Me?

February 11, 2019 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hi Dr Nerdlove!

I’m an older-than-I-want-to-say woman. There’s a guy at my job who is the same age. We’ve been flirting for probably about a year now. I always took it as ‘play’ flirting, although he would occasionally mention that I hadn’t given him my number, his weekend could have been better (wink, wink), etc. I was reluctant because I wasn’t sure I was into him. Plus, I worried that we might end up hating each other if we tried to connect on a different level (hey, it happens sometimes).

About a month and a half ago, my feelings began to change. He has been really affectionate; always coming in for hugs and giving me sweet pecks on the face and neck. I thought he was really sweet and attentive. So I decided to give him my number. But, it was after I told him why I had been reluctant (didn’t want us to hate each other), and mentioning that I’m not really a phone person.

Well, he didn’t call me. I chalked it up to probably having scared him off, and didn’t take it personally. I privately teased him a little about being scared off, and things were basically the same. (For the record, to my knowledge, there’s maybe only one other person who knows about he and I). About two weeks later, he approached me and said he would call me. I was excited; I was off that weekend and hoped we could maybe spend a little time beginning to get to know each other better.

Well, he didn’t call me. I was a little pissed. I felt like he was trying to make a fool of me; just wanting to see how far I would take it. While I didn’t cease communication, I was distant. It was evident I wasn’t pleased. But he remained the same. He continued to reach out to me. Eventually I let it go and things went back to the way they’d always been.

In fact, things seemed to get even better. I should mention that I had never asked/confronted him about not calling me. I didn’t want things to be awkward at work for either of us, and I didn’t want it to seem like I was running behind him.

So the flirting seemed to intensify, and I finally felt comfortable enough to ask him why he never called. He said he’d lost my number. He then proceeded to give me his number. He seemed sincere and I was thrilled. Again, it was my weekend off and I had the same hopes as before.

That was Friday. I called him Saturday afternoon. I immediately sensed a shift. While I don’t think he was physically with someone based on some things he said, it was immediately evident that he wasn’t thrilled to hear from me. We talked about 15 minutes, he ended the conversation, and he didn’t indicate any interest in continuing phone contact. I was hurt and embarrassed. I decided that I was done. I don’t know if he has someone, just isn’t interested in me, or a little of both. Either way, it’s clear he’s not interested. It sucks, but that’s life.

The problem is he continues with the same degree of flirting. Initially I didn’t think I had an issue with this, but I find myself becoming increasingly depressed (this isn’t the only reason for this, but it’s in the top three). I have tried distancing myself from him, which isn’t too difficult at my job, but he seeks me out. He definitely notices that I am distant and goes out of his way to reach out. I believe my issue is that twice I have given him the benefit of the doubt, continued to play along, and both times been disappointed, rejected, and hurt. I’m reluctant to play along again. I feel like the joke is on me but I’m not in on it. He dangles a carrot in front of me and when I reach for it, he snatches it away.

I honestly don’t know what is up with him. I’m afraid to ask for fear of seeming desperate and of getting my feelings hurt. And frankly, it doesn’t matter. He’s obviously not into me. My question is: what do you think is going on with him, and how should I navigate this minefield at work? I don’t want things to be awkward and uncomfortable. But I also don’t want my heartstrings tugged and trampled every day.

Maybe Yes Maybe No

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