Dear Dr. NerdLove:
I have a problem. My marriage was failing, and I fell in love with our Jiu Jitsu instructor (we’ll call him Ethan). The biggest problem was that I was still married and he was somewhat friendly with my husband (we will call him Rick). But Ethan and I clicked right away. I had an instant attraction to him, but I did my best to squash it.
As time went on, Ethan ended up being there for me during a rough time, emotionally when my husband wasn’t. Eventually, I told Ethan my feelings for him and he reciprocated. We ended up having a sexting relationship that was hot and heavy, but also filled with true emotion. However, he started getting pressure from another friend, who ended up causing a big scene and telling my husband what was going on before I could even process what was going on myself. My husband freaked out, and we’ve spent the last two and a half years trying to make it work. However, he’s ended up having his own infidelities numerous times while I did not.
We’ve decided to separate and then divorce. I recently reached out to Ethan to apologize for how everything went down, and he responded saying he had just been thinking about me that morning. It was a very sweet conversation. He told me that he thinks about me all the time and that we should get a drink soon. He was at work and I was about to take my son for a walk, so I suggested we carry on the conversation later. He agreed. Then I didn’t hear from him again until the next afternoon when I asked him a question about his gym. He apologized, and said he left his phone at work (hmmm).
We talked a bit more about everything that happened. He told me how he felt badly and that it was just recently that he got out of his funk from the situation between us. I respond with a few things and, after an hour or so, noticed that he saw the message and didn’t reply. I asked if I had said something wrong and then he disappeared again for 24 hours. He responded the next evening with “No you’re good, just super busy the past couple of days”. I ask him what he’s been up to not long after he sent that message, and now I haven’t heard from him again. He hasn’t even viewed the message. I haven’t contacted him since.
I spoke with a mutual friend of ours and he told me to be patient, that Ethan leaves him on “read” for days all the time. I asked him if he knew if Ethan was dating and he said he had heard nothing.
Here’s the thing, after doing some social media snooping, I see he’s been hiking with a girl these past days. Now, they don’t mention each other in their posts, she seems to go hiking a lot with other people. And it seems like he’s doing it for exercise based off of what he has said in the posts. It seems like they have been friends for while and work together. He liked a photo of our mutual friend and I today, but hasn’t responded. Is he trying to play it ultra cool, or if he doesn’t have the guts to say he’s dating someone else. I’m not glass, I wish he would just say as much. How long is an appropriate time to wait until I attempt to message him again? Should refriend him on social media? Should I just file this under it wasn’t meant to be?
What should I do? Thank you!!
Left On Read