Long time reader, first time writing in. My fiancé (22) and I (23) have been together for a lovely 5 years, have never had a single fight and have been fairly good at communicating. Our wedding is scheduled for mid next year and we have of course got into the intensive planning phase.
I’ve been dating a particular woman (call her L) for over a month now. We’re pretty interested in each other, and if things continue like this, we’ll likely be in an official relationship soon. So far, so good, right?
With many other women, we’ve had sex by the 5th date. With L, we’ve been on 7 dates, made out multiple times on my bed, but no sex. That’s fine–I don’t want to rush her if she’s not ready. She also implied that she’s inexperienced with men, so maybe she’s a bit nervous sexually. I asked her briefly about this and she said she would be willing later in the relationship, and I didn’t press her to explain more.
I’m assuming L would eventually *want* to bang, just when she’s comfortable. But maybe not? Maybe her threshold is “1 year of dating”? I don’t want to wait a long time to find out I’m emotionally invested in someone who I’m not sexually compatible with (like, having the desire to have sex at least once a week).
How do I bring this topic up without sounding like I’m a dumb, horny dude?
Waiting To Begin
To fap or not to fap… that is the question. Are there health benefits to giving up masturbation? Is porn addiction a real thing?
And just what is the NoFap movement, anyway?
It’s time talk about sex with someone you love… yourself.
- Why the “dangers” of masturbation haven’t changed in hundreds of years
- The connection between testosterone and masturbation
- Why NoFap gives “super powers”
- Why stigmatizing masturbation can be dangerous
- Why the real problem is shame, not masturbation
…and so much more.
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(Doctor’s Note: This letter deals with discussion of suicide.)
Dear Dr NerdLove,
I’m a 30 year old guy who is in his first real relationship. I had essentially given up the idea of ever having a relationship, and was honestly quite happy with my “forever alone” status. I’m a semi-professional sportsman and my only other experience with dating was with a teammate when I was 21. We were both so far in the closet we could have been on a ship with Prince Caspian, so it didn’t end well.
Yet now I seem to be in a relationship with a nice, sweet, well adjusted guy who is a few years younger than me and… likes me. Z is attracted to me. Thinks I’m funny. Doesn’t care that I am essentially a hot mess who spends way too much time with his foam roller and is never going to make the major leagues.
And I don’t know what to do about it. I have come out in a low-key way, and although I’m not waving a rainbow flag, everyone in my team knows I’m gay and is okay with it. Particularly when I wasn’t seeing anyone.
I don’t know how to be a boyfriend. I don’t even know if I’m attracted to Z, or if I’m just attracted to the fact he wants me. (I’m not conventionally attractive, being somehow both bald and effeminate.)
I know Z’s not my type, I know the sex hasn’t been great, but he’s inexperienced and I always seem to wind up trying to sleep with him on match days, so if it doesn’t get done quickly I get agonizing cramps in several major muscle groups because fucking after hours of intense exercise is not as easy as it should be.
And there’s a complication.
I recently went on my first tour since Z and I became Facebook official. We talked beforehand and agreed that I would get a tour pass – but he didn’t want to hear about it. What goes on tour stays on tour. (It’s the sporting equivalent of what happens in Vegas, and is honestly the way about half the pro sportsmen I know manage their love lives.)
On tour I met A, and over the course of a week we hooked up. When I first hooked up with him I didn’t realise his actual age – 19. To my shame, I didn’t call a halt to it when I found out how young he was. I remembered myself at 21 and tried to be the kind of person I would have wanted.
What followed was three weeks of this teenager messaging me, trying to get me to tell him I loved him. I was friendly, I was supportive, I told him he didn’t need to be afraid of coming out, that although we lived on opposite sides of the world I would be there for him as much as I could.
Four days before I flew home A killed himself.
I found out about it because immediately prior he messaged me saying he loved me, and after a day and several missed messages, when I called him his mother answered.
I fell apart. I don’t even remember my last game, or getting to the airport. There was no one I could talk to, because the team prefer their token homo not to mention his sexuality, and because A hadn’t told anyone he liked guys.
And I’ve come back to not being able to tell Z what happened. It’s our agreement, what goes on tour stays on tour – only dead boys follow you home so much more than living ones.
I’m seeing a counselor but due to expense, I can’t keep it up. I also can’t keep something else up, which is making Z think I don’t want him anymore. Instead I’m making excuses and getting more and more hyperactive whenever I see him to hide the fact that I am completely fucked up here – I’m out of my depth in this relationship, and I’m hurting so bad for a boy I cared for and, to be frank, a boy I could so easily have been.
Should I just break up with Z – who deserves better – and go back to my comfortable life of being alone? Should I tell him what happened, even if he doesn’t want to hear? Should I keep trying to pick myself up, going to the counseling I can’t afford, and hoping that as time goes by I’ll feel more human? But even if I do… I still won’t have any idea how to function in this relationship.
Dare I say it, Dr NerdLove, you’re my only hope?
Didn’t Come Home
Good Morning Doc,
I’ve gotten myself into a bit of an anxious state after a date went bad a few days ago.
For context, the date seemed to go quite well initially. Despite the initial plan falling through we found somewhere else to go and had a bit of a laugh about the situation. A couple of hours after the date I sent a quick message just to say thanks and that I’d had a fun evening. She called me and told me she was upset that I hadn’t made a move. I apologised and said that it must have been miscommunication largely down to a lack of experience. She then said that she’d be quite happy to come over and “fix” that. Being the idiot I am I made the same mistake twice in misreading the situation and thought she was joking so laughed it off. I realised my mistake immediately from her change of tone, tried to backpedal but she gave me a “whatever” and hung up.
No big deal in itself, plenty of other people out there. Problem is that we have quite a number of mutual friends and there’s a get together next week that not only she will be at, but there’s a high likelihood that I’ll have to interact with her (it’s a social dance where we rotate partners so everyone dances with everyone else). I don’t want to not go but at the same time I don’t really relish seeing her again, especially since our last interaction ended on such a sour note.
Should I not go? Should I duck out early to avoid her? Should I mention something to my friends so that I don’t have to dance with her (without really letting on why)? Or maybe all of these options are simply cowardly and I should just grin and bear it if I’m forced to interact with her? These things seem so much less sticky when it’s with people I don’t know to well…
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
An Anxious Idiot