Doc, please help.
I’ve been dating this great guy for two months, and the whole time he’s been talking about toys and buttplay. As it turns out, he’s a sub and wants to be dominated.
Sex, for me, has gotten less and less pleasing for me; meanwhile, now he wants to get his beads out. I’m frustrated because his dick has not been very hard the last couple times we had sex. I wanted to try and enjoy having sex with him but every time, he wants me to play with his ass. I can’t sleep and I’ve been crying about my feelings of inadequacy. I don’t want to disappoint my BF, just as I’m trying to tell him it’s been shitty sex. I just want to have normal sex with a hard dick. And I usually do and it’s great.
Should I break up with this guy? Or is worth experimenting with anal beads and stuff? I feel bad but I just can’t do it.
Not Up for Butts
I’m a 32 year old man and my fiancé is a 30 year old woman. She has an 11 year old daughter from a previous relationship. We have been together for 5 years (on and off) but are really happy in every part of our relationship except our sex life.
We broke up for about 6 months about a year and a half ago and we both saw other people in that time. We both realised that we really wanted to be with each other and got back together.
I think the time apart changed us for the better and the worse. We both knew that we didn’t want to be in a relationship with anyone else but we came back kind of determined to live our lives how we wanted as we’d seen another side.
I really find her very attractive but after the first few months of being back together and having that honeymoon period again, we went through a rough sexual patch. I was hiding my true sexual needs from her and I was getting frustrated at the vanilla sex. I eventually opened up to her and funnily enough she opened up to me too. We both had similar fantasies so I presumed that we would then go on to act them out together.
The fantasies are; stag and vixen (Hotwife), threesome MMF, foursome MMFM, “cheating” etc etc. You get the idea. I was pleased!!!!
We spoke about it and I got excited. Then it turned out she didn’t want to make it a reality, she didn’t even want to compromise by pretending. She won’t role play, talk dirty, even pretend by text message that she’s into it… just to give me something. She will happily think about it to herself, watch porn about it to herself…. but any involvement with me is being “fake” or setting it up. She wants spontaneity, but not in that way. For instance, if I started talking about while we have sex she’ll get angry and tell me it’s a turn off.
I feel like I’d meet her kinky needs but she won’t try to meet mine, although she actually secretly likes what I’m into.
She wants to have sex to cum. That’s it. Not to have fun. Not to grow closer. She wants me to be “a man” and get on with it. Get hard, fuck her, cum, then go to sleep. There’s no room for play. Experimentation.
Don’t forget we are engaged and I very much love this woman. I just don’t want have to have “boring” sex that doesn’t turn me on, when I feel like we could be having so much more fun.
We’ve gone down to sex a couple of times a month because I just can’t get excited about it. I lose my erection because to be honest it’s just so predictable that I switch off.
I read your article on sexual compatibility and it says you should compromise, but she’s not willing to do it. She said if I want that in my sex life then I should find someone else because she’s not like that. Which means I just put up with it…. but then I’m made to feel like I’m not into sex because I don’t get aroused just because she’s naked. She thinks that’s enough. I should be gagging to bang her.
What do I do? Is it me? Is it her? Is it both of us?? It’s very confusing because this is my entire life. I don’t want to throw away my relationship because of miscommunication or misunderstanding, or even social pressure to be normal!!
Thank you in advance.
So, I think I have a problem that quite a few people also experience–dealing with kink, especially one that’s rare, particularly strange by “normal” standards, or one that many people find outright disgusting. In my case, I’m a vorarephiliac. It’s not something I’m particularly proud of, and I don’t think any amount of sex-positivity or rationalizing is going to change that, because my kink is, to speak perfectly frankly, more than a bit disturbing.
In my case, though, it’s contributing to my already-poor self esteem, and it’s become something of a barrier to my efforts–not because I’ve told anyone and they’ve rejected me in disgust, but because a potential relationship, as you’ve articulated, requires both partners to be, essentially, at least comfortable with each others’ needs and desires, and I’m sure that the overwhelming majority of women wouldn’t react positively to the revelation. I suppose my question isn’t “How do I hide my kink?” but, “How do I make it clear that this doesn’t define me, and that it wouldn’t be an obstacle in a sexual relationship?”
Wishing for a Different Kink