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Break Out Of Your Box

May 4, 2022 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Let’s talk about change and why growth can feel so difficult. When you’re trying to build a life for yourself – or build a new and better one – it can feel as though you have few options and even fewer that actually work. This is especially true when it feels like all of the paths in front of you “just aren’t you, man.”

Animated clip from The Simpsons of Ned Flanders' parents. Text reads: "We've tried nothing, and we're all out of ideas"
And that’s assuming you’ve actually started in the first place.

Now sometimes this means that the problem is that you’re letting your self-limiting beliefs get in the way of your own success. Other times, however, the problem is that we’re so hung up on trying to fit into a particular mold or box that we don’t realize that this box never fit in the first place… and never will.

This is actually more common than you’d think. One of the worst habits that people fall into is that we let ourselves be bound up by “rules” — rules that don’t actually exist, but that we set up for ourselves and follow anyway. These rules, such as they are, narrow our ways of thinking and create artificial limits on ourselves. They force us into false choices and prevent us from seeing alternatives that may work better for us. We end up seeing things in exactly one way and, if that way isn’t a good fit for us or doesn’t work out – especially right from the start – we assume that we’re failing at them.

What we never seem to realize is that we’re so busy trying to break ourselves into pieces and sand off bits of ourselves to fit into a particular box, we never stop to think that maybe the box is the problem, not us. In those moments we are, for all intents and purposes, passively accepting a framing that limits us. We end up in a trap of looking at other people’s path to success and assuming that it’s the only option, without considering that maybe this isn’t actually true. We’re so used to assuming that we need to fit into a particular mold or that our choices are so limited that there’s really no way to succeed. So our choices seem to be either try to magically become a completely different person… or accept that there’s no hope and we should just give up.

Instead, what we often need to do is to take a page from one James Tiberius Kirk.

Animated gif from Star Trek II: The Wrath of Kahn. Kirk looks off camera, saying "I don't believe in "no-win" scenarios
When in doubt, break shit and hope for the best… no wait…

If it seems like we’ve stuck ourselves in a no-win situation, then it’s time to change the rules and find alternatives. Restricting yourself to that narrow box hasn’t worked and won’t work. So it’s time to break out of the box.

 If you feel like you aren’t winning or you can’t win… sometimes what you need is to change the rules.

Here’s how.

[Read more…]

This Is How You Break Your Self-Limiting Beliefs

January 19, 2022 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

I want to talk to you for a moment about a client I had. He, like a lot of my coaching clients, wanted to know what it takes to be someone women want to date. This caught me off guard; this was a guy who had a lot going for him. He was tall, good looking and fun to talk to. And yet, he didn’t struggle with meeting women so much as failed to so much as look at them. Never mind striking out, the guy got the screaming abdabs just thinking about going up to the plate.

pitcher throwing a baseball at the camera
POV: You’re in a tortured metaphor for dating and your crush is about to send a 110 MPH fastball straight into your insecurities…

Once we identified just what he thought he was missing and who he wanted to date, I worked with him on a plan that would help get him closer to his goal. We talked about style and presentation, and about where he could go to meet the kind of women he was into. We came up with a plan of action to build out his social circle and start cultivating the lifestyle that would make it easier for him to effortlessly bring more women into his life. Once he was satisfied with his new strategy, we scheduled a follow-up session to discuss his progress and make adjustments as needed.

Well, the follow-up session came around and he had done… precisely none of the things we talked about. He tried. He planned to do it. But when it was time to quit talking and start walking, he choked. Couldn’t do it. Sometimes he got as far as walking up to someone and then either walked past, or just turned around and walked away without saying a word.

“Look… I’m just not one of the guys who can do that,” he told me. It was fine for him to imagine women liking him and wanting to date him. But as soon as he tried to actually talk to someone he liked, his anxiety would flair up and convince him that he wouldn’t be good enough. All of his good points didn’t matter; there would be too many other guys who had more. He failed before he even started — not because of anything he’d done, but because he couldn’t believe that he could ever be the kind of guy who could talk to women or who women liked. And so he “tried”, failed and took that as proof that he could ever succeed.

His story isn’t unique. Lots of men have convinced themselves that they’re doomed to failure, and that they could never be good enough. And while they may have different reasons why— wrong body, wrong height, too shy, too whatever — the real problem comes from within. To a man, they let their self-limiting beliefs run their lives. Rather than working on their social skills and building a great life, they convince themselves to not even bother trying.

Maybe that sounds like you. Maybe you’re frustrated at how little you believe that anyone could want you. How much better would your life be if you could shut up that voice that says “why bother, it’ll never work?” How much would your life change if you could let go of the negative beliefs that hold you back?

Hold onto that thought, because today, we’re going to talk about how to break those self-limiting beliefs and become the sexy bad-ass you were always meant to be.

[Read more…]

How To Build An Amazing New Life

January 5, 2022 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

It’s a new year, which means that we’re in the midst of a veritable swarm of “new year/new you” pledges, think-pieces, think-pieces arguing against the previous think-pieces and — of course — a hell of a lot of “Make These 10 Resolutions For A Bright New Year” listicles and slideshows.

tortiseshell cat wearing a party hat, draped over the arm of a leather sofa, looking annoyed
Meanwhile, the rest of us quietly nurse our hangovers and question whether we’ve got the energy to take down the Christmas decorations before Valentine’s Day…

Now, I’m famously skeptical about the value of New Year’s resolutions. I find most of them to be less “resolutions” and more wishing that the changing of the year meant you magically became the sort of person who would do all the things you neglected to do last year. This, in fact, is the exact reason why most New Years Resolutions fail: because the people making them haven’t changed the reasons why they didn’t fulfill those resolutions last time. More often than not, the issue is very simple: that they keep getting in their own way.

This is rarely more true than when it comes to dating.

There’s a concept known as “inner game” — the idea that you can succeed or fail at something in your mind before you do it in reality. The concept of “inner game”, which originated in sports psychology in the ’70s, is that our minds have more control over our success than our physical skill does. If we allow our self-doubt, our insecurities and negative mindsets free rein, then we end up sabotaging our own performance. On the other hand, if we master that “inner game” and learn to trust ourselves, we find that things flow much more smoothly — almost without conscious effort.

Gaining control over that inner game means that we let go of judgement, of criticism and doubt. In doing so, we don’t berate ourselves for our failures or overanalyze our every action. We’re better able to let things just be, to see the result we want and move towards it. It means that we’re allowing ourselves to trust that we’re capable of success.

The problem is: most people tend to lose their inner game. They hang onto old failures and beliefs that damages their confidence. They cling to stubborn self-judgment, criticism and old wounds, clouding their minds with doubt and sabotaging their potential. And despite their best efforts to improve via brute force… they often find themselves stuck right where they started.

Not surprisingly, this leaves folks feeling frustrated and defeated, even angry. You’ve likely felt this way yourself. You’ve tried your hardest to change and still failed; clearly the flaw must be deep inside of you.

And it is.

Surprise!

 young sad upset man holding his head with hand, looking at camera
“No offense Doc, but your pep-talks suck.”

However, the problem isn’t that you’re horribly flawed or fundamentally unlovable. It’s in the way you let your jerkbrain rule you, throwing your inner game like Floyd Mayweather boxing a YouTuber to a “draw”. You are, in a very real sense, getting in your own way, tripping over past failures and traumas. And until you clear those away, you’re going to continue sabotaging your own progress.

If you want to build the incredible new life you’ve been dreaming of, the first thing you need is to clear out the detritus of the past to make room for a new and grander future. Clearing the brush of the self-limiting beliefs. A cleanse for the soul for the new year, if you will. So if you want to make 2022 the year that you turn your love life around, it’s time to make a break with the past and build the foundation for your new, incredible life.

Here’s how.

[Read more…]

5 Mistakes That Push People Away

November 10, 2021 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

How many times has this happened to you: you’ve decided that you’re going to be more social, so you commit to going out more and meeting people in person. However, every time you go out, the night ends the same way: with you going home alone, feeling lower than a snake’s ass in a drainage ditch because you didn’t talk to anyone. Worse, it seems like nobody wanted to talk to you, either. So now you’ve blown another evening, shredded your self-esteem, and you’re feeling as though you’re just one of those people who’s going to die alone and unloved.

Young depressed man feeling lonely, drinking alone at the bar, affectionate couple cuddling on background
“No, it’s fine. I didn’t really want to talk to anyone. They’re probably all anti-vaxxers anyway.”

God knows I’ve had more nights like that than I care to count. Every time, it left me a little more convinced that there was just something wrong with me as a person. Talking to strangers, making friends, even just getting phone numbers or dates felt like an impossible fantasy — something that happened to other people, but not to me.

But I was wrong. It wasn’t that I was unattractive or undesirable. It wasn’t about who I was, but what I was doing. What I didn’t realize was that I had been making a lot of mistakes that were making me come across as unapproachable. It was only after I started paying attention to what the popular people were doing that I started realizing that my behavior meant that I was sending out the wrong message and leaving people with the wrong idea about me.

Once I started to adjust my actions, I discovered that, contrary to what I had thought, people wanted to talk to me. I just needed to make myself more approachable.

If you’re struggling to meet people or getting people to connect with you, then you may be unwittingly making those same mistakes. The first impression you make on people is important, and how you act before you even say a word can dictate how people see you and respond to you. Regardless of whether you’re at the coffee shop, a friend’s party or out on the town, you want to make sure you’re not sending the wrong signals. Here’re 5 ways you’re making yourself unapproachable… and how to fix it.

[Read more…]

The Surprising Secret to Getting Dates on Dating Apps

October 13, 2021 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

As someone who’s been active on the Internet since 1994 — before there was a World Wide Web, even — I’ve seen a lot of changes over time. Few, however, have been as significant as the way that online dating has changed. I have seen things you wouldn’t believe. Spring Street Personals, shared across Salon and The Onion. Paying to send messages and buying “roses” to send instead of likes, winks and pokes. I watched major dating sites become infested with zombie accounts and new ones populated entirely with fake profiles and bots.

Screenshot of Roy Batty during the "Tears in the Rain" speech
All these moments will be lost in time, like AngelFire servers in the rain…

People’s approach to online dating has changed as well, especially as the rise of the swipe apps have taken over. Tinder may have helped bring online dating into the mainstream, it also changed the game. While the swipe-right/swipe-left mechanic has increased engagement, it’s also changed how people relate to dating apps… and the way people use them. However, while the apps may have changed, people’s misconceptions about online dating have remained stubbornly the same. In fact, their frustration has only increased, in no small part because the way people use dating apps is increasingly counter-productive.

Quite frankly, the people who use the apps the most are using them wrong. In fact, those misconceptions about how online dating works and the swipe mechanic coincide to make it harder to meet people.

However, the core reason why people struggle with dating apps comes from a very common mistake. The folks who have the most success with online dating understand a core truth that others don’t. If you want to actually get matches, responses and dates on the apps, then you need to make one simple change…

Get off the apps!

Surprise!

“What the actual fuck are you on about, Doc?”

As absurd as this sounds, getting off the apps and out into the world will turbocharge your dating life and improve your results from Tinder, Hinge and more.

Sound strange? Well, let’s talk about what people get wrong about online dating… and how to fix it.

[Read more…]

Next Page »

About Dr. NerdLove:

Harris O'Malley (AKA Dr. NerdLove) is an internationally recognized blogger and dating coach who gives dating advice to geeks of all stripes. Making nerds sexier since 20011

Remember: Dr. NerdLove is not really a doctor. [Read More …]

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Recent Comments

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    Should I Get Plastic Surgery In Order To Get Dates? ·  May 29, 2022

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    Should I Get Plastic Surgery In Order To Get Dates? ·  May 28, 2022

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    Should I Get Plastic Surgery In Order To Get Dates? ·  May 28, 2022

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