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How To Build Emotional Strength

October 14, 2020 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Right now everything feels like chaos. We’re living through the worst pandemic the world has seen in more than 100 years. We are less than three weeks out from an election that feels like our choice is whether to pull America back from the brink of fascism or not. Our lives have been thrown into pandemonium like we’ve never known, even as people seem to insist that we’re fools for being concerned about a virulent disease. Violent extremists are attacking innocent protestors and activists and the people in charge are hosting giant gatherings all but guaranteed to spread the virus.

And yet life stubbornly insists on continuing like normal.

This is legitimately how it feels some days…

It’s enough to make you feel like you’re going mad. Like you want to give up and just scream.

But even under the best of circumstances — when the world doesn’t feel like it’s teetering on the verge of collapse — there are times when life feels like it’s too much. There are days when you feel like you’re hanging on by your fingernails and you just want to let go. There are days when you simply don’t feel like you have the strength to keep going. Whether it’s chasing your long-term goals and dreams, finding the desire to keep moving forward, or even summoning up the courage to make the hard decisions, you will face moments that will push you to your very limits.

Those are the times when you need to have the resources to keep going. You need to build your emotional strength. You need to have the will and the strength to not just persevere but to thrive.

Here’s how.

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What Men Need to Know About Attraction

September 16, 2020 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

One of the hardest parts of learning how to get better at dating is, ironically, learning how to get out of your own way.

Men, especially men without much social experience, have a tendency to sabotage their own progress. The single biggest culprit that stands in the way between guys and romantic success? Buying into myths about what women want — especially about what women find attractive in men. In fact, the most pernicious myths tend to be spread by other men… often with neither basis in reality nor a single woman backing it up.

To be fair: it’s easy to talk about these myths and why they’re not real. However, part of the reason why it’s so easy to buy into these self-limiting beliefs is because they play into men’s anxieties. When you worry that you’re “not good enough” or that you don’t measure up to what you think other guys have to offer, these beliefs act as confirmation of what you already believe. They’re hard to shake because of how well they line up with what you’re already afraid of. You may not want to think that you’re too short/nice/unattractive to date, but hearing someone else say “women only want X” is enough to trigger that part of your brain that wants to leap up and down and scream “I KNEW IT!”

(Especially if, for example, you’re already buying into ideas like “sexual market value”…)

But what can help is to have some concrete examples to look at — people who not only disprove these myths, but also provide a map towards what women actually do want. And since we’re all stuck at home during quarantine, it’s also the perfect time to watch some quality trash while you learn.

Enter Too Hot To Handle — a Netflix reality show about hornt-up hotties who’re duped into taking part in a show that isn’t about banging but learning how to love instead.

R to L from the top: Sharron, Matt (AKA Sexy Jesus), Haley, Harry, Francesca, David, Rhonda, Kels, Nichole, Chloe — “So we’re going to take a bunch of hot men and women, stick them in a gorgeous resort, ply them with liquor…and forbid them from having sex. With anyone. Including themselves.”

Now let’s be clear: this is a show with a lot of problems — something that I discuss in depth with my friend Dr. Liz in a series of Patron-exclusive videos. However, it is also a great example of how many myths there are surrounding attraction, why they’re wrong, and what actually matters instead.

(Obligatory spoiler warning: we’re going to discuss the entire series, including who gets together and who doesn’t)

Let’s get into it, shall we?

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5 Ways To Become Someone Women Want To Date

September 2, 2020 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

I spend a lot of time working with men who want to get better at dating women. This ranges from guys who’re trying to recover from a bad break-up, guys who spend so much time in the Friend Zone that they could run for political office there and even men who’ve never so much as held hands with someone, never mind asked a woman out on a date. In all that time I’ve noticed something important:

The men who struggle the most with dating always — always — ask the wrong question. Every single time I’ve seen someone who says they can’t get a date, can’t talk to women or just have been cursed by the Universe to be Forever Alone, they inevitably compare themselves to other men. They treat dating like a competition; how can they be more desirable than their rivals? What can they do to keep other folks from “stealing” their girl? How, in pluperfect hell, can they get a date when Chad “20%” Thundercock is out there, rolling around and picking up 80% of the women like a weird, fleshy Cronenbergian version of Katamari Damacy?

🎶 Na naaa na na na na na nana na na na nana SQUISH 🎶

But that right there is the mistake. The issue that all of these guys have is that they’re so focused on their “competition” that they’ve missed the fundamental truth. Other guys aren’t your competition. Women aren’t comparing dudes in a spreadsheet and going with the guy who has the most points. You’re not in competition with other men; you’re in competition with a night at home, alone.

The question they need to ask isn’t “how can I be more attractive than other guys.” It’s “why would women want to date me, specifically?”

Because here’s the secret: being attractive to women isn’t about your face or your body. 90% of good looks is about presentation and hygiene. Being attractive is about how you make women feel when you’re around and the way they miss you when you’re gone. It’s being the person they can’t wait to hear from. The person they can relax around and rely on.

That doesn’t come from your face or abs. That comes from within.

Here are 5 things that you can do to become someone women want to date.

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Ask Dr. NerdLove: Why Do Guys Keep Ghosting Me?

July 5, 2019 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hi Doc!

I’m not looking for advice so much as an explanation about something I’ve encountered a few times.

I’m a woman who dates men, and more than once, I’ve ended up in a sort-of-ghosting situation immediately after checking in to see if buddy is still into hanging out (and him telling me he totally is).

This is how it pans out:

We’ve been hanging out/hooking up for more than one month but fewer than 3. He seems like a nice, normal guy (ie: has passed my weirdo/creep/asshole filter). Things feel mutual, and pretty relaxed. We’re chatting regularly and getting together maybe once or twice a week.

Then things start to feel different. I realize I’ve made the last one or two sets of plans and he hasn’t made an effort to make more, it’s been maybe 2 weeks since we last hung out (ie: it’s a break in the pattern). But he’s still initiating nearly daily text conversations.

Rather than continue to suggest hangouts and get shot down, but also not wanting to spend a bunch of time texting with someone I never actually see, I ask something along the lines of, “Hey, we haven’t hung out in awhile – is that something you’re still into? It seems lately like maybe not.” And he replies, inevitably, “Oh, I’ve just been busy, I totally still want to hang out.” So I say, “Ok cool, let me know when you’re free.” Or something along those lines.

And then, also inevitably, I NEVER HEAR FROM HIM AGAIN. (With one exception, where he made a plan to meet, then stood me up, THEN I never heard from him again.) WTF?

Why do guys who are otherwise nice do this?

And maybe I do want advice – is there anything I could be doing differently? I don’t want to be someone’s texting buddy forevermore, whether or not I’m wanting something casual. But it feels weird to just vanish out of a thing that’s been going on for over a month without a basic – “Hey, are we still doing this? No? Cool, best of luck,” convo. But it feels way worse trying to have an honest convo, and being ghosted for it.

Every time it happens I get a bit angrier with Men-In-General (an also, warier), and I’d like to not become a Bitter Old Hag (TM). Help?

Sincerely,
Just Don’t Get It

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Live Like You Give A Damn – The Lessons of Anthony Bourdain

June 11, 2018 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Like a lot of people, I have some complicated feelings about the death of Anthony Bourdain. As a general rule, I don’t usually have much to say about celebrity deaths other than “Man, that sucks.” But a few, a precious few, manage to hit me like a hammer to the chest. Those are the ones that feel too close to home, the ones who had serious meaning for me. Sometimes it’s because they were someone whose work had a major impact on my life. Other times, it’s because I can relate far too closely to the pain that brought them to the end. Robin Williams hit both of those for me. So, surprisingly, did Bourdain.

Now there’s a lot of talk about in the wake of his death. Many people, myself included, have had a lot to say about living with depression. There are some great resources for getting help if you have mental health issues or how to help someone you love who’s dealing with mental illness in real and material ways. And there are plenty of people arguing about suicide and how to process it all.

But, honestly? I’m getting incredibly tired of talking about death and eulogizing all of the people we’ve lost recently. Because while we should eulogize and mourn and grieve for those we’ve lost, I feel like a fitting monument – especially to larger than life figures like Bourdain – is to learn how to live. Taking inspiration from them and living a better life because of their example is, to my mind, the best tribute one could pay to the ones we’ve lost.

And while you could say many things about Anthony Bourdain, everyone can agree that the man lived – deliberately, passionately and incredibly.

So while we may have lost a larger-than-life figure, we can all learn to live our own lives in a way that Bourdain would’ve admired.

Here’s how you live like you give a damn.

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