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Ask Dr. NerdLove: Why Do Guys Keep Ghosting Me?

July 5, 2019 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hi Doc!

I’m not looking for advice so much as an explanation about something I’ve encountered a few times.

I’m a woman who dates men, and more than once, I’ve ended up in a sort-of-ghosting situation immediately after checking in to see if buddy is still into hanging out (and him telling me he totally is).

This is how it pans out:

We’ve been hanging out/hooking up for more than one month but fewer than 3. He seems like a nice, normal guy (ie: has passed my weirdo/creep/asshole filter). Things feel mutual, and pretty relaxed. We’re chatting regularly and getting together maybe once or twice a week.

Then things start to feel different. I realize I’ve made the last one or two sets of plans and he hasn’t made an effort to make more, it’s been maybe 2 weeks since we last hung out (ie: it’s a break in the pattern). But he’s still initiating nearly daily text conversations.

Rather than continue to suggest hangouts and get shot down, but also not wanting to spend a bunch of time texting with someone I never actually see, I ask something along the lines of, “Hey, we haven’t hung out in awhile – is that something you’re still into? It seems lately like maybe not.” And he replies, inevitably, “Oh, I’ve just been busy, I totally still want to hang out.” So I say, “Ok cool, let me know when you’re free.” Or something along those lines.

And then, also inevitably, I NEVER HEAR FROM HIM AGAIN. (With one exception, where he made a plan to meet, then stood me up, THEN I never heard from him again.) WTF?

Why do guys who are otherwise nice do this?

And maybe I do want advice – is there anything I could be doing differently? I don’t want to be someone’s texting buddy forevermore, whether or not I’m wanting something casual. But it feels weird to just vanish out of a thing that’s been going on for over a month without a basic – “Hey, are we still doing this? No? Cool, best of luck,” convo. But it feels way worse trying to have an honest convo, and being ghosted for it.

Every time it happens I get a bit angrier with Men-In-General (an also, warier), and I’d like to not become a Bitter Old Hag (TM). Help?

Sincerely,
Just Don’t Get It

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Live Like You Give A Damn – The Lessons of Anthony Bourdain

June 11, 2018 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Like a lot of people, I have some complicated feelings about the death of Anthony Bourdain. As a general rule, I don’t usually have much to say about celebrity deaths other than “Man, that sucks.” But a few, a precious few, manage to hit me like a hammer to the chest. Those are the ones that feel too close to home, the ones who had serious meaning for me. Sometimes it’s because they were someone whose work had a major impact on my life. Other times, it’s because I can relate far too closely to the pain that brought them to the end. Robin Williams hit both of those for me. So, surprisingly, did Bourdain.

Now there’s a lot of talk about in the wake of his death. Many people, myself included, have had a lot to say about living with depression. There are some great resources for getting help if you have mental health issues or how to help someone you love who’s dealing with mental illness in real and material ways. And there are plenty of people arguing about suicide and how to process it all.

But, honestly? I’m getting incredibly tired of talking about death and eulogizing all of the people we’ve lost recently. Because while we should eulogize and mourn and grieve for those we’ve lost, I feel like a fitting monument – especially to larger than life figures like Bourdain – is to learn how to live. Taking inspiration from them and living a better life because of their example is, to my mind, the best tribute one could pay to the ones we’ve lost.

And while you could say many things about Anthony Bourdain, everyone can agree that the man lived – deliberately, passionately and incredibly.

So while we may have lost a larger-than-life figure, we can all learn to live our own lives in a way that Bourdain would’ve admired.

Here’s how you live like you give a damn.

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A Man’s Guide To Improving Your Emotional IQ

October 23, 2017 by Dr. NerdLove 141 Comments

Emotional intelligence is one of those traits that tends to be woefully underdeveloped in men. Call it part of the toxic masculinity package; when things like “having feelings” are treated as a weakness, men are taught to bottle them up and pretend they don’t exist.

Along with things like “skin care” and “giving a shit how your apartment looks.”

It’s not terribly surprising. After all, what’s the first thing that comes to mind when you hear “get in touch with your emotions”? In all likelihood, it’s an absurd image of men sitting in a circle, crying like little girls1 and going through lists of petty hurts and insults. Why the hell would any dude want to do that when they could be spending time with their friends, doing man shit instead?

“IF I BREAK YOUR WRIST WILL I STOP FEELING EMPTY INSIDE?!”

But what if I told you that low emotional IQ was part of why suicide rates are so much higher in men than in women? What if I told you that having low emotional intelligence is part of why you’re so lonely? Or maybe I might tell you that the more emotionally intelligent you are, the more likely you are to get laid?

Yeah, I thought that might get your attention.

Here’s the truth about understanding our emotions: the more men are disconnected from how we feel, the harder it is for us to connect with others. It isolates us, cripples us and means that we have an even harder time trying to just get a date. Maybe it’s time to stop laughing about “cry babies” and “beta males” and start improving our emotional intelligence.

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No, trust me, this phrasing was entirely intentional. [↩]

How To Take Dating To The Next Level

August 14, 2017 by Dr. NerdLove 140 Comments

The process of getting better at dating can be a difficult one. There are a lot of self-limiting beliefs that can be hard to overcome – not the least of which being that you’re “stuck” at wherever you are and there’s nothing you can do. It’s part of the binary-view of social skills that guys tend to get brought up in; you’re good with women or you aren’t. Either you’re socially awkward or you aren’t. You’re popular… or you aren’t.

And of course, there’re a lot of people who buy into this. It’s a tempting narrative after all; when there’s no hope and no choice, you are relieved of all responsibility. You can point to the world at being unfair or complain that other people demonize your natural-if-awkwardly-expressed desires. It absolves you, in many ways, of having to do any self-examination. After all, if the world’s unfair, then isn’t it better to demand that the world change?

But that’s not how it works. That’s not how any of it works.

One of the things that I like to emphasize is that dating is a skill. And any skill can be improved with practice. The tricky part though, is that developing a skill can take time. If we buy into the axiomatic 10,000 hours for mastery… that’s a lot of time before you can get good at something. And with all the skills that can comprise a successful dating life… well, that’s going to take forever, isn’t it?

No. No it isn’t.

Today, I’m going to teach you about how you can radically improve your social skills in almost no time. If you’re ready to shave off the time it takes to learn to be the dating master you know you can be… well, this week is for you.

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Overcome Your Fear of Rejection

July 31, 2017 by Dr. NerdLove 344 Comments

One of the hardest things when it comes to dating is dealing with the fear of rejection. At times it can seem like everyone’s dating hang ups can be traced back to a fear of being rejected – from approach anxiety to Nice Guy behavior.

Can’t get rejected if you never approach anyone, ever.

The problem is that letting that fear control you means that you will never succeed. No matter who you are, rejection is going to be a part of your dating life. Everybody – no matter how famous, how handsome, how rich or how socially gifted – gets shot down. What makes the difference between the socially successful and the people who trundle from rejection to rejection are that the successful ones don’t let rejection destroy them. And while it can be difficult to face your fears, part of what helps makes them less all-consuming is to understand them.

So let’s get down to the roots of the fear of rejection.

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