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Ask Dr. NerdLove: How Do I Let Go of An Old Flame?

November 19, 2018 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hey Doc:

Recently I got a message from a friend saying she was back in town for the foreseeable future, working just along from me, and wanted to meet up for friendly drinks.

What she doesn’t know is that about 4 years prior, at a low point when I was struggling (and losing, badly) against debilitating depression, shame and self-loathing, I developed a terrible, terrible case of oneitis for her after some awkward, post-night-out kissing. That was all it took to prompt me into an obsession that kept on for nearly two years. On the surface I was her awkward grumpy friend she once had a slip-up with, who she liked getting drunk and being weird with. But underneath, I was deeply unhappy, lonely, neurotic, having suicidal thoughts and obsessing over her every day. Oh, and we were work colleagues!

It was fucked, but thankfully things changed. She moved away, I started therapy, my life got a little better, slowly. I didn’t see her for a long time. I still thought about her sometimes, but when I heard she had started a serious relationship I was happy to have another reason to put her out of my mind. When a mutual friend tried to tell me they’d broken up, I just didn’t want to know. I just kept making progress, getting better at making the most of the ups and recovering from the downs. I still having a nonexistent love life and a shitty job, but I’m proud of the progress I’ve made, because I’ve started learning how to value my own feelings and enjoy being me, in spite of everything.

But now that she’s back and I’m staring down the idea of seeing her again, I’m realising that I never fully cured my oneitis, and I still feel inadequate when I think about seeing her. My mental health has taken a bit of a dive as a result. I know I don’t want to be with her but I’m still really attracted to her. I feel like I couldn’t possibly be myself around her. I feel like her opinion of me matters more than my own, like I need to please her but never could. Which is insane, because I haven’t felt this subservient to anyone else I’ve had feelings for, and because she was always a loving, supportive friend to me. It almost feels like I’m getting dragged backwards to that darker time in my life, just as I was learning how to trust myself.

What I want most is to stop worrying and just be as honest as possible with a view towards getting out of each other’s lives so I can let go of how I feel about her once and for all. After all that time apart it hardly feels like much of a loss. But I feel like a part of me is worried about hurting someone who was always just a kind, supportive friend, while another is scared of being judged by her. I’m also worried I won’t be able to properly explain this to her, or that it won’t give me the closure I’m hoping for, or that I’ll just be making the wrong move entirely.

The added kicker is that she isn’t to blame for any of this, and has no idea I ever felt this way. Every day we saw each other, I was lying about how I felt. I’m definitely ashamed of it, and kind of scared of making it all real by talking about it.

I suppose what I’m asking is, what’s the best way for me to resolve this thing and put old obsession behind me?

Link to The Past

[Read more…]

Episode #98 – How To Build A Lifestyle That Attracts Amazing Women

November 7, 2018 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment


When we talk about being more attractive to women, we tend to focus on the surface. We talk about how to dress, what to say, how to act. But that’s the polish, the sizzle, not the substance. It may get people’s attention, but without any substance to back it up, it won’t keep it. Your lifestyle is what makes you more interesting and more desirable to women. When you have built the right lifestyle, it will bring women into your life without effort.

Show Highlights:

  • Why your looks, your job, your bank account or your style isn’t what attracts women
  • What we get wrong about attractive lifestyles
  • Why most men live empty, boring lives
  • How authenticity attracts more attention than “cool”
  • How living an attractive lifestyle brings the right women into your life

…and so much more.

Related Links:

Five Reasons Your Life Isn’t Going To Get Better

No More Magic Feathers: The Secret to Real Self Improvement

Developing Your Lifestyle

Five Simple Ways To Jumpstart Your Life

How To Meet Women, Effortlessly

Listen Here
Download Here


Don’t forget to subscribe and review us on iTunes , Stitcher and on YouTube.

Like the podcast? Become a Dr. NerdLove patron at Patreon.com/DrNerdLove

Want more dating advice? Check out my books at www.www.doctornerdlove.com/books

Episode #80: How To Make Friends As an Adult

June 14, 2018 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Men on the whole, and white, heterosexual men in particular, tend to have fewer friends than women and the friendships they do have tend to be shallower and less fulfilling. It’s really not uncommon for guys to look up and realize just how few friends they have outside of family members and romantic relationships. And by then… it feels like it’s too late. After all, it’s easy to make friends when you’re in college. But how do you go about making friends when you’re a grown man?

Show Highlights:

  • How men train themselves out of having close friends
  • Why male friendships tend to be shallower than female friendships
  • Why it’s harder to make friends after college
  • The Friendship Formula: what it takes to make close friends
  • How to turn acquaintances into lifelong friendships

…and so much more

Related Links:

Men And the Epidemic of Loneliness

Five Secrets To Make People Like You

How To Make New Friends

Building a Closer Friendship Between Men

Finding Strength Through Vulnerability

Listen Here
Download Here


Don’t forget to subscribe and review us on iTunes , Stitcher and on YouTube.

Like the podcast? Become a Dr. NerdLove patron at Patreon.com/DrNerdLove

Want more dating advice? Check out my books at www.www.doctornerdlove.com/books

Live Like You Give A Damn – The Lessons of Anthony Bourdain

June 11, 2018 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Like a lot of people, I have some complicated feelings about the death of Anthony Bourdain. As a general rule, I don’t usually have much to say about celebrity deaths other than “Man, that sucks.” But a few, a precious few, manage to hit me like a hammer to the chest. Those are the ones that feel too close to home, the ones who had serious meaning for me. Sometimes it’s because they were someone whose work had a major impact on my life. Other times, it’s because I can relate far too closely to the pain that brought them to the end. Robin Williams hit both of those for me. So, surprisingly, did Bourdain.

Now there’s a lot of talk about in the wake of his death. Many people, myself included, have had a lot to say about living with depression. There are some great resources for getting help if you have mental health issues or how to help someone you love who’s dealing with mental illness in real and material ways. And there are plenty of people arguing about suicide and how to process it all.

And then there’s this asshole.

But, honestly? I’m getting incredibly tired of talking about death and eulogizing all of the people we’ve lost recently. Because while we should eulogize and mourn and grieve for those we’ve lost, I feel like a fitting monument – especially to larger than life figures like Bourdain – is to learn how to live. Taking inspiration from them and living a better life because of their example is, to my mind, the best tribute one could pay to the ones we’ve lost.

And while you could say many things about Anthony Bourdain, everyone can agree that the man lived – deliberately, passionately and incredibly.

So while we may have lost a larger-than-life figure, we can all learn to live our own lives in a way that Bourdain would’ve admired.

Here’s how you live like you give a damn.

[Read more…]

Paging Dr. NerdLove Episode #56 – How To Be The Most Interesting Man In The Room

November 30, 2017 by Dr. NerdLove 15 Comments

This week, I want to give you one of the most valuable tips I can possibly give. This is that One Simple Trick, that single thing that you can do that will double your online dating success, make you the center of attention at any gathering and ensure that you will be absolutely magnetic. 

It’s very simple.

You want to be interesting.

Interesting people are more charismatic. Interesting people are more memorable. They’re more fun to talk to. And learning to be more interesting is far easier than you might ever realize. 

Show Highlights: 

  • What people get wrong about how to be interesting
  • One simple way of becoming more interesting, immediately
  • The importance of “Yes”
  • Why you should find your stories
  • What interesting people do that boring people don’t

…and so much more.

Related Links:

Develop Your Lifestyle – https://www.doctornerdlove.com/level-up-develop-your-lifestyle/

Become Someone Worth Dating – https://www.doctornerdlove.com/become-someone-worth-dating/

Do You Pass The Grimes Test? – https://www.doctornerdlove.com/pass-grimes-test/

Develop Your Lifestyle – https://www.doctornerdlove.com/level-up-develop-your-lifestyle/

The Most Attractive Aspect of a Man (Isn’t Looks or Money) – https://www.doctornerdlove.com/leveling-up-most-attractive-man/

Listen Here
Download Here


Don’t forget to subscribe and review us on iTunes , Stitcher and on YouTube.

Like the podcast? Consider becoming a Dr. NerdLove patron at Patreon.com/DrNerdLove

Want more dating advice? Check out my books at www.www.doctornerdlove.com/books

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About Dr. NerdLove:

Harris O'Malley (AKA Dr. NerdLove) is an internationally recognized blogger and dating coach who gives dating advice to geeks of all stripes. Making nerds sexier since 20011

Remember: Dr. NerdLove is not really a doctor. [Read More …]

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