Dear Dr. NerdLove,
Long time reader of your column, first time submitter. I’ve always found the advice you give your readers to be well thought out and sometimes with the necessary amount of tough love for when it’s needed. Now with that in mind, here is my situation.
A bit over a decade ago, I had met a young lady while on Xbox Live while playing good ol’ Call of Duty. Her combination of skill as well as interesting conversation lead us to form a solid friendship despite the fact that we lived on opposite ends of the country.
At the time, I was working third shift and would get off work early in the morning. I would make my drive home, fire up the xbox and hop in game. Due to the time difference, she would have just woken up for the day and we would start our routine stomping on other players, laughing and chatting. When we would play, I knew that whatever situation I would be walking into, she had my back. Where I went, she went. When I would get myself into a bad situation, I knew a few shots would fly over my shoulder and render the threat no more followed by a “You’re welcome.”
Now at the time, I was engaged to another woman with the wedding less than a year away. She worked a normal 9-5 job and would be on her way out the door as I came home. At first she didn’t have any issues with my online friends and had even on a few occasions played and talked with all of us. But as time grew on, she became further and further jealous of my female sniper support.
At the time I denied that there was anything more between us than just friendship and video games and this remained true until a few months later when my partner told me that she had developed feelings for me, and myself, confessed the same.
Due to us both being in relationships at the time and geographical issues, we agreed that there was nothing we could do at the time to pursue a relationship. We remained friends and tension between my fiance and I continued to grow over the issue until finally, she called of the engagement.
Fast forward a few years, and by chance, my new girlfriend at the time and I found ourselves moving very near my CoD partner. While her and I still talked and played often, we never got around to actually meeting up. This was due to time off from work as well as once again, both of us being in committed relationships. Now we have known each other for over 12 years, and recently after I had ended my current relationship, we made plans with mutual friends and finally met face to face. She and the meeting was everything I expected. We hit it off, spent loads of time around each other and even got the approval of her best friend. Now here is where the issue is.
She is still not single! The guy she was dating back when my ex-fiance is still around. Their relationship is on the rocks and despite multiple attempts by her to end it, or her friends telling her she should do the same, they are still an item. Trust me when I say this guy is a gigantic a-hole.
My question for you is how can I go about finally getting my chance here? Tonight I am supposed to be meeting up with her to go out to dinner. I’m sure her boyfriend doesn’t know what her plans are and even our own friends have no idea that I will be in town. It makes me feel like we are sneaking around. I know that I want to have a relationship with her, but I want to do it right. How can I ask her to finally end her current relationship without sounding like a prick?
Shot In The Heart
I know I am rather new to this web site. I have read many of your articles and I find them fascinating. I have found myself agreeing, cheering on, laughing, as well as being mesmerized by the topics you discuss and the eloquence in which you dissect and analyze every situation that could be conceived. For this, I truly am in awe and I thank you.
So, here I throw a dilemma that I am facing your way. I am 27 years old. I have this friend who’s name is Dena . I have known this girl since I was in highschool. The thing is, I have never actually met the girl in person. We have talked a great deal since getting to know each other and now we have become pretty good friends. Well, just recently, as in last year, our conversations began to become slightly heated. We have begun to talk more in depth about fantasies of us being together. We have talked about this before, just not so intensely.
I should point out that Dena is married and already has one child by her current husband. I understand that finding an attraction to someone else’s wife is morally wrong. But I really do feel an attraction to this woman and I’ve told her so. Her response to me expressing my feelings to her were to ask me why I waited to tell her how I felt. The truth was I wasn’t ready to tell her because I always believed that until I felt confident that I could support a significant other I didn’t want to express myself to someone like that. I should also point out that another significant reason I waited to tell her was because of a significant distance barrier that we face. She and I live away from each other by a distance of several states. And we’ve never actually met, although I’ve expressed significant interest in coming to visit her for at least a few days.
So back to my story. Recently the conversations have become more heated. In the beginning of 2013 was the first time we decided to cross the line into sending each other explicit texts and pictures. Not much, but one or two is certainly enough to tease one. That is not my only drive or reason for sending you this letter. I honestly feel that I can communicate freely with her and tell her whatever is on my mind and not have to fear anything that she may back. I feel as though we understand each other on many levels. I have already expressed my desire to be with her and just whisk her away to a world that currently only resides in my imagination. My question, and this is a big question, is…. is it worth it? I’d be making a huge leap of faith here on my side.
I am already planted in a career here where I live and she in hers. I have asked her what she would do if I decided to take the big leap and seek out a relationship with her. She expressed a desire to stay close to her family, which I understand since I have a close relationship with my family here. This would seem to leave me with the big decision of either uprooting my own lifestyle and trying to adapt to hers. Or seeing if she would take the big risk and uproot to my lifestyle. I understand it would be gambling a lot and the two of us could stand to sacrifice big initially. I certainly don’t want to break into a marriage unless I was sure it could work, although I believe I already crossed this line somewhat when we started talking more intensely. She has expressed discontent in her current living arrangement with her husband though. I don’t know if this means I am truly able to have a chance with this girl or if I’ve somehow just conveniently become her outlet while she is at a low point. I really want to believe that she has feelings for me the way I have for her. I’m just curious to know if all these feelings are worth making the leap to see her though.
Would it be better if I made a short trip to her area and talked with her? I am not looking for someone to make my decision for me. But seeing as you have given much sound advice in the past, I feel that you are a fantastic person in which to ask their opinion and get an outside view into the situation I am facing. I would appreciate any advice you can give to me, no matter how brief or long the advice is. I thank you in advance.
Leap of Faith
Doctor’s Note: I’m on vacation until the 12th of January. Until then, Paging Dr. NerdLove is going to be on a limited hiatus. The podcast will return when I’m back in town and meanwhile, I’ll be answering some quick questions for Ask Dr. NerdLove in lieu of the usual schedule. If you’ve got a question you need answered, now’s definitely the time to ask.
Hi! I’m a 25 year old man, and I’m dating a girl about two months.
She is the most interesting girl I’ve ever met (I have a small experience with relationships, but enought to know when the girl worth the “long term investment”).
A month ago she told me she needs to travel to another country to study. She really needs it, as a “test to become an adult person”, and she’s planning to go the end of this year. She is 28 year old and she fears she won’t have any more chance. And, as she said, she might never come back. In her area of job, the conditions are better outside of our country. If she finds a job there, maybe she won’t come back.
So, I need to say: I’m terrified! I’m trying to enjoy the moments we are together, but sometimes I think to much in the future. I’m a worried person.
Furthermore, I’m feeling that thing we used to call “passion”, that I really hate. I would like to don’t lose my mind in this and become obsessive.
So, what can I do? I don’t really want to take the easy way, that’s to stop the relationship. I think this is cowardice and I can lost really good moments with her, but I can’t enjoy these moments with the mind confused.
I would like to simply don’t feel passionate, to face it lightly, and, if there’s something I can do to change this situation, I would like to know what can I do. I thought about going with her on the interchange, but I don’t know if this is a “healthy” solution, I would ignore my real objetives to be with her.
I need help…=(
Sorry for the bad English, it’s not my native language! =)
Thanks in advance! =D
On A Time Limit
Hey Doctor NerdLove, I have an issue that I can’t seem to figure out on my own, can you help me?
Let me start off by saying that your blog has helped me tremendously, and as a result I now have a beautiful, smart, geeky, and honest girlfriend. But is is possible to be too honest? She’s currently doing some moving around the country, seeing family, trying to find a good art college to attend. We’re trying the long distance thing, which I’ve done before, unsuccessfully but I’m trying to learn from my mistakes, and she’s worth sticking around for. I’ve spent a lot of time being introspective and listening to this blog and other podcasts on having healthy romantic and sexual relationships. I’ve tossed around the idea of having sex with other people, her as well, and have come to the conclusion that as long as I remain the romantic relationship, is safe, and she’s honest with me, then she can have sex with other people and I won’t get but hurt. At least I thought that was the case.
As it turns out, there’s an old flame who she’s now living close to. She’s explained to me that she can’t ever have a romantic relationship with him again because, well he’s an asshole and not good boyfriend material, but apparently the sex they used to have was other-worldly. I give her props for being honest and telling me this before hand, because now she’s asking me for a pass to be fuck buddies with this guy. I told her to give me a few days to think it over.
I’m trying not to let my ego cloud my thoughts with jealousy of this supposed sexual master, or to worry that she’s not being honest when she says it wont turn into anything romantic. Something is still bothering me about this, and I’m not quite sure which is the best course of action. Should I give her a pass, should I not? It seems like she’s doing all the right things by letting me know, but why do I still feel squicked about this? Is it right to think that this may be a threat to my relationship, and what would be the best way to handle it?
Stressed By The Ex