Hey Doc, I need your help with some things:
I suppose the first problem here is what my friend calls “nice guy syndrome,” where someone could be a really kind and generous person yet never be in a relationship ever. It’s similar to your top post about “nice guys,” and while I worried that I was one of those objectivising creepy assholes, I don’t think I am– I feel no bitterness or jealousy, nor do I feel that I am owed something for my care or that friendship is a lower thing. Indeed, I consider friendship to be one of those super desirable things, probably because I am not a very social person so new people in my circle is an italicized event. Still though, I try to be a good person and I don’t date anyone. Looking at it that way, it seems more of a phenomenon or personal trait than a problem..
Anyway, problem two: I don’t ask people out. I’ve read your posts on the subject, I think. I don’t get out much, and I fear rejection greatly. It’s just… when I first meet someone, I have no idea what kind of person they are. I fear asking them out when they could be a terrible person. When I first meet someone, I really hate causing others discomfort, anxiety, or wasting their time, so I fear asking them out. When I first meet someone, I fear that they are people who I would be really great friends with and by asking them out I push them away in a sort of “HAHAHA FRIEND ZONE TENSION” avoidance defense. And, when I want to ask a friend out, which seems like a better situation for me since we know that we share interests and like hanging out already, I fear ruining the friendship. I’ve done that before, because neither she nor I could survive the resulting awkwardness.
Problem three: I don’t like the idea of changing to better fit societal niches– I don’t want to change myself to be more dateable. Obviously, this acts as a direct opposition to fixing 1 and 2. The best I could probably do is find more hobbies and interests, which would get me to meet more people and having cooler adventures than the books, movies, video games, and work that I base most of my activities on now. That’s probably what I will try next. Looking at the first couple sentences of this paragraph, I think I just don’t want to work at dating– that seems super-counterintuitive. It’s supposed to be a pleasure, right? Relaxing maybe? I can see an analogy here about building a log cabin in the woods, but I’d rather commit to hard physical labor for a cabin than depress myself for days or weeks or months or years trying to figure out this whole “dating” thing. More importantly, I thought one of your main tenets was to not actively seek love– the desperation makes you lame . So you mean just to improve yourself, right? Wait, but I thought I was a pretty good person already? Do I just have to submit to constant self improvement until I reach some invisible datable threshold?
Yeah, I think I got kinda unintelligible there– I really need my coffee.
Confused and Tired