Hi Dr. NerdLove:
I have been with my boyfriend for nearly 4 years. We have been so happy and I have not felt any issues in my relationship. If anything, I felt he was more affectionate in our relationship. Sex has been great and regular.
2 weeks ago, we went on a snowboarding holiday. It wasn’t the best holiday (due to weather and place) but we just got on with it. On the last day, I noticed a girl had messaged him asking if he is having a good ski holiday. Obviously I thought it was weird and asked him why a girl is messaging him that. Maybe asked in a angry way, but I felt it was very odd and had never seen her message before.
He replied with she’s a girl from work, trying to make friends with everyone. After a 2 hour cab journey in silence. I got over it and left it. I apologised if I seemed angry and just explained how I saw it was weird. But I don’t think he has gotten over it.
When we come back, out of the blue he now thinks we have nothing in common and he has no feelings for me and can’t be bothered with the relationship anymore?! Unfortunately this happened the day the UK went into lockdown, and we are living together. We sat down and chatted about it, I explained that it is possibly to do with everything going on around the world at the moment. He is insisting that it’s not and it’s the way he feels. He hasn’t kissed me and doesn’t cuddle me in bed anymore. I am giving him as much space as I can, during this time.
How can I get him to see that it just a pissed off stage and that we are actually ok?
Stuck In Limbo
Hi Dr NerdLove!
I’m looking for advice because although I’m not 40 years old, I will be next year and I’m dealing with a problem I’ve been avoiding most of my life and I’m starting to realize that if I don’t address it now I will be alone forever.
The actual status of being a virgin doesn’t bother me so much as not being able to get started. I’ve somehow gone 39 years on this planet not being able to form a single relationship with another woman. I’ve never been on a date in my life, I’ve faced rejection all my life and sometime in my early 30’s, I just stopped. I wish I could adhere to the “Never give up” philosophy but the truth is that after a lifetime of failures and not a single success to latch onto, I don’t know any other way and I just stopped. I’m tired of being rejected, of being unwanted, dating and relationships became something other people did and I need not concern myself with it.
Now as I’m approaching my 40’s I’m facing the problem of loneliness and not being able to take action when I think I might actually have a shot with someone.
I’ve been crushing hard on a female friend and I don’t know how to handle it. She confides in me, she inspires me and I’m fairly certain she wants me to make a move on her but I just can’t. I’m quiet and mostly keep to myself but she approaches me and even offers to drive me home sometimes and isn’t repulsed if I ask for a hug. I’m confident at least that she likes me as a friend but I’m paralyzed with doubt and fear. I’ve told myself for 2 years this is just some infatuation, I’m crushing on a woman because someone finally started giving me attention and is being friendly and I’m being ridiculous. I tried to wait it out and let the feelings die like these intense feelings usually do, but this isn’t going away and she opens up more and more about her struggles to connect with people and start a relationship due to only being in 1 LTR in her life, if only she knew……
The more I think about it, the more I convince myself to just say something and ask her out or tell her how I feel, the more I realize that I’m just scared. I’m scared of rejection, I’m scared of her getting a boyfriend and yet would feel relief if that happened. But mostly, I think I’m scared she will say yes. Then I will have to spend time with someone and it’s all uncharted territory. I’ve never dated before at all. I went to some bars and clubs in my early 20s with friends and it was among the worst experiences in my life. I’m not social and she is among the few friends I have. I don’t know where to go, what to say, what to wear, what to do, and most of all, just being vulnerable and opening up to someone is terrifying. The anxiety is overwhelming and I find the best recourse is just to avoid her until I’ve cooled down and I’m almost certain if she has feelings for me she must feel awful if I’m never acting on them.
So yeah, whatever advice you can give, I’d love to hear it. All I know is that I have to do something soon because if I don’t, nothing will ever change.
Untouched at 40
Recently I have been frustrated, solely with myself. Because in the last few years I’ve lost 40 pounds, made impressive strides in my career for a man my age, and went from not being able to talk to anyone to making classes/groups of people screech in laughter. I say I’m proud of myself because I am, but there’s one last hurdle I need to get over and I’m hoping you can provide perspective.
Women who I consider beautiful, and who I want to sleep with, try to sleep with me, and I freak out (yes I’m a virgin). One of two things happen:
1. I completely begin over-analyzing and ask myself “Do I want a relationship with this person? Or just casual sex? Will I ruin my chances if I have sex now?” I basically twist myself so backwards that by the time I have made a decision, they have completely moved on.
2. I panic and just straight up say “no”. Even when I mean yes! I will admit it stems slightly from a fear of performance, but I’ve been really working to overcome that and don’t really feel like that’s the main problem.
When I take a step back and analyze the situation I walk away with this conclusion: I don’t know if I really want to have sex with someone because I don’t really know what sex is, as stupid as that sounds. Of course I know what it entails physically, but not what it entails on an emotional level.
I know the standard narrative is that men are pressured to have sex with anyone as soon as possible, but I feel as if that’s been reversed. All my good pals tell me I should wait for someone special, but in all honesty I’m horny, and I feel like I’m being pressured to wait for this completely unrealistic fantasy that’s never going to just walk into my life. I want to have the physical act of sex so I can grow and learn emotionally, therefor when someone I do really love comes into the picture I won’t panic like I do right now.
To sum it all up Doc, should I have sex with someone who I do like, but know I won’t end up with in the long run, or am I wasting a valuable emotional moment in my life? Because to be honest the lack of sex has really been dragging on me mentally, I will not say I’m depressed, but I do have some serious slumps sometimes. I get distracted, I become angry at people who I love, and I can get easily agitated at times. These aren’t horrible situations compared to others but I feel like I’m suffering and having anxiety all for something completely natural that people do everyday.
Just a dude who wants some wisdom
Dear Dr. NerdLove:
I have a problem. My marriage was failing, and I fell in love with our Jiu Jitsu instructor (we’ll call him Ethan). The biggest problem was that I was still married and he was somewhat friendly with my husband (we will call him Rick). But Ethan and I clicked right away. I had an instant attraction to him, but I did my best to squash it.
As time went on, Ethan ended up being there for me during a rough time, emotionally when my husband wasn’t. Eventually, I told Ethan my feelings for him and he reciprocated. We ended up having a sexting relationship that was hot and heavy, but also filled with true emotion. However, he started getting pressure from another friend, who ended up causing a big scene and telling my husband what was going on before I could even process what was going on myself. My husband freaked out, and we’ve spent the last two and a half years trying to make it work. However, he’s ended up having his own infidelities numerous times while I did not.
We’ve decided to separate and then divorce. I recently reached out to Ethan to apologize for how everything went down, and he responded saying he had just been thinking about me that morning. It was a very sweet conversation. He told me that he thinks about me all the time and that we should get a drink soon. He was at work and I was about to take my son for a walk, so I suggested we carry on the conversation later. He agreed. Then I didn’t hear from him again until the next afternoon when I asked him a question about his gym. He apologized, and said he left his phone at work (hmmm).
We talked a bit more about everything that happened. He told me how he felt badly and that it was just recently that he got out of his funk from the situation between us. I respond with a few things and, after an hour or so, noticed that he saw the message and didn’t reply. I asked if I had said something wrong and then he disappeared again for 24 hours. He responded the next evening with “No you’re good, just super busy the past couple of days”. I ask him what he’s been up to not long after he sent that message, and now I haven’t heard from him again. He hasn’t even viewed the message. I haven’t contacted him since.
I spoke with a mutual friend of ours and he told me to be patient, that Ethan leaves him on “read” for days all the time. I asked him if he knew if Ethan was dating and he said he had heard nothing.
Here’s the thing, after doing some social media snooping, I see he’s been hiking with a girl these past days. Now, they don’t mention each other in their posts, she seems to go hiking a lot with other people. And it seems like he’s doing it for exercise based off of what he has said in the posts. It seems like they have been friends for while and work together. He liked a photo of our mutual friend and I today, but hasn’t responded. Is he trying to play it ultra cool, or if he doesn’t have the guts to say he’s dating someone else. I’m not glass, I wish he would just say as much. How long is an appropriate time to wait until I attempt to message him again? Should refriend him on social media? Should I just file this under it wasn’t meant to be?
What should I do? Thank you!!
Left On Read