masculinity Archives

Am I Masculine Enough To Be A “Real” Man?

June 14, 2021 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hi Doc,

I guess I have questions… or maybe thoughts? It’s complicated.

I’m a cis gay man. I think? I think that’s a part of it.

I wish I was more masculine. I feel like my life would have been a lot easier if I had been… that it would be easier in the future if I were… I kind of hate that it never came naturally to me. Never has. Probably never will. And, it gets hard. I feel like I’m not allowed certain sports or hobbies or… just things in general, because I’m not “masculine” enough for them. Honestly, same thing when it comes to “feminine” things to. I feel like I’m not allowed to want them because I won’t fit in… should I just give up on them, or try to force it? I’m too fem to be masc and too masc to be fem… but like… I kind of want to be both?

So it makes me wonder… am I a man? I mean. It fits… sort of? I often feel like I’m not the right kind of man or am sort of a “failure” as a man. That’s probably just a lot of internalized bullshit that is really toxic. Doesn’t help that I have certain people in my life who will tell me they accept me, then police my gender in the next breath.

But does all of this make me nonbinary? I’m not sure.

And sex… oh sex… Never done it before. Sex is a complicated thing for me. Given the fact that gay men can be so fixated on masculinity, I feel like a somewhat fem (and fat) guy like me will never be found attractive. Kind of sucks, to be honest. It’s to the point where I can’t imagine myself having sex with someone. I can’t imagine myself being seen as a sexual being or seen as sexy… or even sexual. I can’t really connect with my own sexuality, to the point where I wonder if I’m damaged or have too little self-esteem or if I’m just… not into it.

Funny enough, I jokingly call myself “the pervert friend”, because I’m comfortable talking about sexuality. I’m very open. I just haven’t done anything. I’m pretty sure I want it. I want to be loved. I want to want someone and be wanted by someone. I want intimacy. I’m pretty sure I want sex… ?

So… I guess I just don’t know if the labels I’ve used for myself for the past several years fit anymore. I mean, I clearly have a lot of unpacking to do, a lot of unhealthy relationships to manage, and a lot of thinking to do. But, I don’t know where to start. I don’t know if this is just the thoughts of someone who feels that he doesn’t fit the mold and, therefore, must clearly be something else. I don’t know what to think.

I guess I’m asking for even some reassurance.
I don’t know the answers. I don’t expect you to know all the answers either.
But what would you say to someone like me?

Cheers,

Dazed and Confused

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What Does It Mean To Be Strong?

February 10, 2021 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

I’ve been thinking a lot about what it means to be strong, lately. Not in the physical sense, but what it means to be emotionally and mentally strong. The idea that people today — men especially — are “weaker” or “can’t handle it” is tossed around with gleeful abandon. In fact, the underlying conflict of Cobra Kai is, at its core, about the nature of strength and what it takes to become strong. In fact, much of it is rooted in the idea of “the world is an awful place and I will make you strong so you can survive”.

You can see this outlook all over the place if you make even a cursory glance on Twitter or Facebook, but especially media on the right. Folks rage about people “being pussies” for telling people what their pronouns are and, of course, the neverending outrage over “political correctness”.

Or, as most of us call it, “not being an asshole”.

You see this in sports, when football players are lauded for playing with injuries or in the pushback against trying to reign in CTE. You see it with folks — mostly men — who get called “weak” or told they’re a pussy for saying “this is too much, I need to step away or go to therapy“. People complain about how hazing has been restricted or banned and what this means for social organizations like fraternities. And of course, you can find it all over the place online, from in-game chat, on forums, Twitter, Facebook and so on. It gets cast as “trolling” or “trash talk”, while people who object are told to “suck it up,” “grow a thicker skin,” and that “trash talking and harassment is a vital part of the culture“. And of course, there’s the ever-popular “facts don’t care about your feelings”, “soy boy” and the classic “snowflake”.

People will insist that this is a good thing. That people today just aren’t as tough as those who came before. That we’re creating a world of weak, privileged, pampered infants.

In reality, it’s an excuse. It becomes a way to justify abuse and having been abused.

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What “Forged in Fire” Can Teach Us About Manhood

September 30, 2020 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

I’m a big believer in the idea that your attitude shapes your life and the world around you. Perception is, in a very real way, the filter through which we interact with the world, and we can choose how to perceive it. Choose the right outlook and the right beliefs and the world will provide you with what you’re looking for — precisely because you’re looking for it. And when you have a growth mindset, you’ll find that there are lessons for you that can help guide and shape your life wherever you look.

Grant Morrison describes this as a form of chaos magick — choosing the beliefs that provide you with the best, measurable results, regardless of whether it’s “real” or something you can “prove”. Arden Leigh refers to this as hacking your confirmation bias — using your own psychological biases to help you find the results you want, instead of letting your own negativity bias drag you down. Bruce Lee’s version of this was to “absorb what is useful, discard what is useless.”

But regardless of what you call it or how you choose to approach it, the truth is that you can find guidance and inspiration in the most unlikely places when you look for it. This can be incredibly important, especially in this day and age when things feel chaotic and out of control. Knowing that you can find the guidance you need, when you choose to look for it, can be a valuable skill to develop.

It’s with this approach in mind that I want to talk about what you can learn from the reality show competition Forged In Fire.

Now it can seem odd to look to a television show about blacksmithing and forging knives for lessons on manhood and masculinity. After all, it seems fairly straight forward: four bladesmiths compete in three elimination rounds of timed knife-making, with the winning contestant earning a prize of $10,000. But — as with many TV shows and movies, the take-aways often sit just below the surface, informing what we see on screen. And, just as importantly, having concrete examples that we can look to can help us understand concepts that might otherwise seem too abstract or confusing.

So let’s look at what Forged in Fire can teach about what it means to be a man.

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Dying To Be A Man

August 7, 2020 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

It’s said that times of crisis and trouble are what reveal someone’s true character. That we are most authentically ourselves in the times when we are tested, our support is ripped away and we are forced to confront hardship in ways we never do otherwise. It is in those minutes that we see the truth of who we are.

The same can be said about what it means to be a man.

We are in a time of unprecedented adversity: we are facing a global pandemic that the world hasn’t seen since the dawn of the 20th century. People are in the streets protesting the horrific violence and abusive behavior of police departments around the country, particularly violence directed at people of color. Federal troops are starting to act like Gestapo, the President is threatening to throw the 2020 election into chaos, American citizens are being tear-gassed and beaten for exercising their First Amendment rights, and heavily armed mobs have been storming government buildings, demanding that state and local governments bend to their will.

Keep this image in mind; we’re gonna be coming back to it.

These are the times that try men’s souls, the crucible that separates the dross from the iron. And in these times, we are forced to recognize an undeniable truth: that the tenets of toxic forms of masculinity are not just fragile, but paper thin. At a time that many men insisted would be their time to shine, we are seeing the mask slip. Underneath, we are seeing their honest faces, naked and raw. We see that the ideals of masculinity that so many men insist are the way, the truth and the light are a facade. When push comes to shove, the staunchest defenders of “true” or “real” manhood neither understand masculinity, nor live up to the ideals that they profess to live by.

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