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What Does It Mean To Be Strong?

February 10, 2021 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

I’ve been thinking a lot about what it means to be strong, lately. Not in the physical sense, but what it means to be emotionally and mentally strong. The idea that people today — men especially — are “weaker” or “can’t handle it” is tossed around with gleeful abandon. In fact, the underlying conflict of Cobra Kai is, at its core, about the nature of strength and what it takes to become strong. In fact, much of it is rooted in the idea of “the world is an awful place and I will make you strong so you can survive”.

You can see this outlook all over the place if you make even a cursory glance on Twitter or Facebook, but especially media on the right. Folks rage about people “being pussies” for telling people what their pronouns are and, of course, the neverending outrage over “political correctness”.

Or, as most of us call it, “not being an asshole”.

 

You see this in sports, when football players are lauded for playing with injuries or in  the pushback against trying to reign in CTE. You see it with folks — mostly men — who get called “weak” or told they’re a pussy for saying “this is too much, I need to step away or go to therapy“. People complain about how hazing has been restricted or banned and what this means for social organizations like fraternities. And of course, you can find it all over the place online, from in-game chat, on forums, Twitter, Facebook and so on. It gets cast as “trolling” or “trash talk”, while people who object are told to “suck it up,” “grow a thicker skin,” and that “trash talking and harassment is a vital part of the culture“. And of course, there’s the ever-popular “facts don’t care about your feelings”, “soy boy” and the classic “snowflake”.

People will insist that this is a good thing. That people today just aren’t as tough as those who came before. That we’re creating a world of weak, privileged, pampered infants.

In reality, it’s an excuse. It becomes a way to justify abuse and having been abused.

[Read more…]

What “Forged in Fire” Can Teach Us About Manhood

September 30, 2020 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

I’m a big believer in the idea that your attitude shapes your life and the world around you. Perception is, in a very real way, the filter through which we interact with the world, and we can choose how to perceive it. Choose the right outlook and the right beliefs and the world will provide you with what you’re looking for — precisely because you’re looking for it. And when you have  a growth mindset, you’ll find that there are lessons for you that can help guide and shape your life wherever you look.

Grant Morrison describes this as a form of chaos magick — choosing the beliefs that provide you with the best, measurable results, regardless of whether it’s “real” or something you can “prove”. Arden Leigh refers to this as hacking your confirmation bias — using your own psychological biases to help you find the results you want, instead of letting your own negativity bias drag you down. Bruce Lee’s version of this was to “absorb what is useful, discard what is useless.”

But regardless of what you call it or how you choose to approach it, the truth is that you can find guidance and inspiration in the most unlikely places when you look for it. This can be incredibly important, especially in this day and age when things feel chaotic and out of control. Knowing that you can find the guidance you need, when you choose to look for it, can be a valuable skill to develop.

It’s with this approach in mind that I want to talk about what you can learn from the reality show competition Forged In Fire.

Now it can seem odd to look to a television show about blacksmithing and forging knives for lessons on manhood and masculinity. After all, it seems fairly straight forward: four bladesmiths compete in three elimination rounds of timed knife-making, with the winning contestant earning a prize of $10,000. But — as with many TV shows and movies, the take-aways often sit just below the surface, informing what we see on screen. And, just as importantly, having concrete examples that we can look to can help us understand concepts that might otherwise seem too abstract or confusing.

So let’s look at what Forged in Fire can teach about what it means to be a man.

[Read more…]

Dying To Be A Man

August 7, 2020 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

It’s said that times of crisis and trouble are what reveal someone’s true character. That we are most authentically ourselves in the times when we are tested, our support is ripped away and we are forced to confront hardship in ways we never do otherwise. It is in those minutes that we see the truth of who we are.

The same can be said about what it means to be a man.

We are in a time of unprecedented adversity: we are facing a global pandemic that the world hasn’t seen since the dawn of the 20th century. People are in the streets protesting the horrific violence and abusive behavior of police departments around the country, particularly violence directed at people of color. Federal troops are starting to act like Gestapo, the President is threatening to throw the 2020 election into chaos, American citizens are being tear-gassed and beaten for exercising their First Amendment rights, and heavily armed mobs have been storming government buildings, demanding that state and local governments bend to their will.

Keep this image in mind; we’re gonna be coming back to it.

These are the times that try men’s souls, the crucible that separates the dross from the iron. And in these times, we are forced to recognize an undeniable truth: that the tenets of toxic forms of masculinity are not just fragile, but paper thin. At a time that many men insisted would be their time to shine, we are seeing the mask slip. Underneath, we are seeing their honest faces, naked and raw. We see that the ideals of masculinity that so many men insist are the way, the truth and the light are a facade. When push comes to shove, the staunchest defenders of “true” or “real” manhood neither understand masculinity, nor live up to the ideals that they profess to live by.

[Read more…]

Episode #119 – What Does A Real Man Look Like?

July 31, 2019 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Men feel immense pressure to look a particular way and they’re breaking themselves, physically and psychically to try to get to reach those ideals.

As bodies are marketed to us as products and men are sold self-loathing, we have to ask: what does a REAL man look like?

SHOW HIGHLIGHTS:

  • How male celebrities are getting the body-shaming treatment from the media
  • Why the idea of what makes a “real” man is always in flux 
  • How the “perfect” body has changed over time
  • What men get wrong about trying to achieve the perfect body
  • Why there’s no body positivity movement for men

…and so much more.

RELATED LINKS:

The New (And Impossible) Standards of Male Beauty

The Fear of Being Invisible

The Myth of What Women Want

The Selling of Masculinity

What Men REALLY Need

Listen Here
Download Here
Transcript available at patreon.com/DrNerdLove


Don’t forget to subscribe and review us on iTunes , Stitcher and on YouTube.

Like the podcast? Become a Dr. NerdLove patron at Patreon.com/DrNerdLove

Want more dating advice? Check out my books at www.www.doctornerdlove.com/books

#105 – Is Masculinity A Mental Illness?

January 16, 2019 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Don’t forget: I’m taking your questions for the NerdLoveLine special! Call (512) 522-6513 and leave a voicemail with your question!

The American Psychological Association updated it’s guidelines for the treatment of boys and men to say that toxic masculine ideologies are bad for men.

Does this mean that masculinity is now a mental illness? Or is this an acknowledgement of the difficulties that men and boys face in modern society?

SHOW HIGHLIGHTS:

  • How being a man leads to unique mental and physical health issues
  • Why men have a difficult time receiving effective mental health care
  • What the new APA guidelines say… and what they DON’T say about men
  • How understanding toxic masculine ideas affects men and boys alike 
  • How MRAs hurt the men they supposedly want to help

… and so much more.

RELATED LINKS:

▶︎ What Is Toxic Masculinity
▶︎ Captain America and the power of Positive Masculinity 
▶︎ Why It’s So Hard To Be A Good Man
▶︎ The Broken Masculinity of The Punisher
▶︎ Reclaiming Manhood

Listen Here
Download Here


Don’t forget to subscribe and review us on iTunes , Stitcher and on YouTube.

Like the podcast? Become a Dr. NerdLove patron at Patreon.com/DrNerdLove

Want more dating advice? Check out my books at www.www.doctornerdlove.com/books

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About Dr. NerdLove:

Harris O'Malley (AKA Dr. NerdLove) is an internationally recognized blogger and dating coach who gives dating advice to geeks of all stripes. Making nerds sexier since 20011

Remember: Dr. NerdLove is not really a doctor. [Read More …]

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