meeting men Archives - Paging Dr. NerdLove

Episode #137 — How To Have An Amazing Social Life During COVID-19

April 1, 2020 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Loneliness is one of the unspoken side-effects of sheltering in place. And yet, we need our social connections more than ever. How can you build and maintain a social life when social distancing is the rule? In my latest live, free seminar, I talk about how to build and maintain those important social connections, meet new people and strengthen the friendships you already have.

Want to take part? The next seminar is on 4/7 at 3 PM CST. Join NerdLove Academy at facebook.com/groups/DrNerdLove to take part!

DOCTOR’S NOTE: So since I did this over Facebook Live, there’s a little funkiness with the audio. I’ve done my best to clean it up but some of it is baked into the episode itself. Sorry ’bout that, we’re seeing what can be done for next time.

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Want more dating advice? Check out my books at www.www.doctornerdlove.com/books

I Think My Friend Is Being Abused and I Don’t Know What To Do

January 10, 2020 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Dear Dr. NerdLove:

When my wife and I divorced a year ago, I very quickly began a long distance relationship with an old flame. We saw each other a few times, sexted, and stayed in touch, although there were plenty of fights that probably wouldn’t have happened if we were in the same city. You know, a long distance relationship.

This past summer, she revealed that her alcoholic husband had been getting drunk and physically abusing her, pretty regularly, but she always played it down and changed the subject (although she’s the one who brought it up). I’ve tried to respect her wishes and not talk about it, and then she’d talk about it and do everything she could to convince me that he’s not a bad guy.

This came to a head the other day, when she announced that her husband had asked her to move out. While discussing that, she texted that he was punching her in the ribs and wouldn’t stop, and she sent me a video where the camera was pointed at the floor, his voice was drunkenly belittling her, and she was screaming for him to stop. So I called the police in her city and explained the situation. The police called me back, said she was uncooperative (she wouldn’t even confirm her name with them), intoxicated, and completely unmarked. She chewed me out over text for doing that and making things worse, but the next day, she told me that her husband was so drunk that he doesn’t even remember hitting her.

I have rebuilt my life after a devastating divorce. I have a handful of friends, a new job, a great apartment, and exciting prospects creatively. I am battling bipolar 2, which means epic depressive episodes if I’m not careful. I don’t want to abandon Flame, but I can’t rescue her. I don’t even know what she’s hoping to accomplish by telling me and sending me these videos. I just know that she is in this situation, and even though he’s beating her and throwing her out of her home, she’s still on his side. I don’t want that in my life. She’s bad for my health. But again, I don’t want to abandon her.

And in case it needs a little more flair, this whole abuse thing might be fake. She has, in the past, demonstrated that she’s willing to exaggerate something and lie to make a point. The video she sent made me suspicious for various reasons. I haven’t seen any evidence that supports her abuse, I’m just taking it on face value. I won’t assume she is faking it, and I will never accuse her of that, but it is still a possibility that sits in my head as I ponder all of this.

I don’t know what to do. She needs help. I can’t give it to her. I don’t want her in my life anymore, but I can’t leave her alone like this. Your input would be greatly appreciated.

Sincerely,
I’m So Very, Very Tired

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How Can I Hook Up With My Celebrity Crush?

December 23, 2019 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Dear Dr. NerdLove:

I am a 35 year old cis gendered male (He/Him/His) and I live in Chicago. 5 years ago I saw a live taping of a podcast that has since become a favorite of mine. At that taping I immediately had a crush on the co host. Like, I was just watching her smile and laughing when she laughed, all while having no idea what she was saying. I would smile at her smiling. So, crushing pretty hard (Lydia Loveless lyrics that fit the bill: ‘European’ “I just want to watch your lips move till I don’t know what the words mean…”)

Sadly, at that time I was in a deep depression and was too chicken shit to take an opportunity to flirt with her after the taping. Now, 5 years later and I still have a crush on her. It is not as intense as before but I am still finding her incredibly attractive, not just looks (but damn she fine like a ticket on the dash) but her sense of humor, how she laughs, her nerdiness, and how she carries herself. I mean, she mad good at being funny and charming on twitter I dig her, she cool. Aaaannddd, after having an opportunity to talk with her after she was interviewing a famous person at a local event, I was again chicken shit and bailed…

So, my quandary is that I don’t know what to do with this? Just leave it as “oh, it’s fun to have a crush, now move on dear boy” or maybe I am just not enough of a romantic, and I should go for it? I hear stories of other people that see someone and are floored by them and then they meet and date and marry… but I can’t imagine that happening to me. Either to chickenshit-ness or me not being a romantic. If I try to find ways to be around her more or to communicate with her over social media I am worried about being a creeper. (I am now much too scared of ‘sliding into dm’s’)

So, when is a crush worth pursuing and when is it a harmless flight of fancy? If it is worth pursuing, how to go about it? Is it weird to try and find ways to be around her? She has a podcast and they have frequent live tapings and she frequently is used as a host for interviewing fun and interesting guest at various functions around the city. So the opportunities exist…

Help me Dr NerdLove, you’re my only hope…

Languishing Excitement In Another

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Ask Dr. NerdLove: How Do I Keep The “Friend” In The FWB?

September 27, 2019 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Dear Dr. NerdLove:

I am a 33 year old single, heterosexual female living in a large metropolitan area nearish the east coast. There’s a man who’s been in my life on and off for the past ~6 years, but in the last 3 years we’ve spent more time together, including in a romantic, sexual capacity, yet still casual. We’re very close in age, but less so in distance: we live in different states, separated by a two hour plane ride. Through traveling we intend to see each other F2F at least once a quarter and very recently met up F2Fd when he came to visit and stay with me for a short weekend.

We are settling into a budding friends with benefits relationship, a relationship archetype I only truly became comfortable with in the last 6 months as I matured emotionally and became more self-aware. I definitely had some help through your article on FWB (how the phrase still includes the word “friend” and no strings attached doesn’t equate to no respect or no consideration). It was your article which allowed me to view this relationship through a different, healthier lens—it’s fair to say I am far more open, flexible, and vulnerable in this FWB now than I was 2 years ago which has really helped this relationship flourish considerably, even in a short period of time

There is no expectation of commitment or monogamy on either side now or in the near or distant future. We’re enjoying one another as people, friends, and lovers and just seeing where things take us. My question is what happens to our relationship when one or both of us meet someone else, someone else who has expectations of commitment and monogamy which the respective person involved is willing to fulfill? Once you’ve crossed over from being friends to something more, is there anyone going back? Can the sexual/romantic/non-platonic aspects of our relationship be turned on and off like a faucet? Or excised as a foreign, inanimate, or unnecessary vessel or object? And beyond the “can” what about the “should”? If you can turn off certain aspects of a relationship, should you? Can you cherry pick and preserve the friendship in the relationship whilst leaving the romance or sex in the past? In addition, is it reasonable for anyone involved (me, my FWB, a future partner for either of us) to expect our FWB relationship to end in its entirety? Is it equally reasonable for this man and I to expect the friendship aspect of our relationship to persevere through commitment and monogamy elsewhere?

This is a relationship I value and wish to cultivate, how do I do this while still respecting and cultivating other relationships which have the potential to become committed and monogamous?

Do Not Pass Go

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Ask Dr. NerdLove: How Do I Stop Being Too Intimidating To Date?

August 23, 2019 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Dear Dr. NerdLove:

I’m a single 35F cis/straight who’s nearly at the end of my rope with dating. I’d like to think I’m a halfway decent catch- good family, reasonably cute, well educated, no criminal record, etc. The problem is I think maybe I’m intimidating to guys? I’m a physician and am used to making life-critical decisions every day; medicine is still a fairly male-dominated industry, so I have learned to stick up for myself and not take BS from people; I make pretty good money and can afford what I want, so I don’t need a man to pull out his wallet and treat me…. In fact, more often than not I want to pay on a first date (1. I don’t think it’s fair that dudes have to go broke just to date, and 2. If I pay then I don’t owe you anything- we’ve all heard the stories about the jerk who Venmo’d the girl the cost of her drink cuz she didn’t go home and blow him).

But it’s not just money. All of the guys I’ve ever dated said they wanted a Strong, Clever, Independent woman, but when they get me it’s like they can’t deal with the fact that I’m strong or clever or independent (all things I love about myself). My last boyfriend actually got mad at me when my car broke down and I called AAA before I called him. He said my not being “more damsel-y” made him feel unneeded and emasculated. This has been a recurring theme in most of the ends of my post-college relationships. To make matters worse, I’m into BDSM and the rougher stuff… while I think being submissive in bed is a great way for me to balance the scales, turns out this seems like another reason guys turn tail and run.

At first I thought I was being too picky, but over the past 7 years I’ve taken my Deal Breaker list and refined it down to 1. Actually single, 2. Non-smoker, 3. College educated, 4. No kids. I don’t think I’m asking for that much! I communicate my feelings, don’t play games, and don’t expect a guy to know what I’m thinking or what I want unless I’ve explicitly told him. And yet, I’m about to rip my hair out. So I turn to you. How do I stay true to my inner Wonder Woman without inadvertently doing an emotional Lorena Bobbitt on my relationship?

Sincerely,
-What’s Wrong With Being Confident?

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