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How Do I Date When I Don’t Know What I Want?

May 9, 2022 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hi Doc,

I’ve been reading your column for a little while now, and a lot of your advice has really been helpful for me in reframing some of my hangups around dating. Writing in now though because I have a problem that I don’t think I’ve seen addressed (or I just might have missed in the archives).

Some background, I’m a 27 year old bisexual (probably?) woman. I’ve got a new job that I’m enjoying so far, though it’s a lot more work than I’ve had in others, a great and fairly large social circle of friends and family, my own place that I really like, interests and hobbies I need to start picking back up now that the pandemic seems to be slowing down a bit, and I’m reaching a point where I want a relationship of some kind. I haven’t really dated much in general, a few first dates here and there and a 2 month thing in college that just sort of fizzled out. I mostly meet folks through dating apps nowadays, except the two month thing in college which was through a swing dancing club.

One other note is, I’ve never been diagnosed, but I definitely have some flavor of social anxiety, plus probably depression or possibly ADHD. I manage it fairly well, but it does mean that in new social situations I tend to be a bit on edge, and overcompensate by kind of putting on an over the top bubbly persona, which doesn’t always help people get to know the real me. I also somewhat regularly get overwhelmed with trying to balance work, basic life stuff (keeping apartment clean, cooking, keeping up with appointments, etc), and my social life, and usually the first thing that goes out the window for me is dating, so I’ll be the first to admit I’m not always putting effort into dating.

My main problem though is I’m having a hard time nailing down exactly what I’m looking for in a relationship. Like I said, I’m probably bisexual but I often feel more romantically attracted to masc-leaning folks but sexually attracted to femme folks, which is tricky. Additionally, I’m also not sure on the level of seriousness and commitment I’m looking for. I definitely want a long term committed partner eventually, but it takes me a while to warm up to folks. Even within my friend group, most of them are folks that I’ve known for years (still hang out with some folks I’ve been friends with in high school or earlier) and even then it took me a bit over a year to really feel comfortable and established with some of my newer friends.

On dating apps, when I’ve gone on dates with folks that are looking for something more serious, it always feels like I’m trying to force a connection, but conversely, if I go on dates with folks looking for something more casual, it often tends to just fizzle out with one of us ghosting the other. I also just have a hard time judging whether I’m even attracted to someone in the first place over an app and texts. In person, I tend to click better with people I meet and make friends fairly easily, but once again it takes me a while to figure out whether I’m actually attracted to someone. I think I’m probably somewhere on the demisexuality spectrum, but what that usually means is by the time I figure out I might be into someone, they’ve usually lost any interest they might have had or have started dating someone else by that point. And I once I do develop a crush on someone, they tend to be fairly intense and linger for ages even after I’ve confirmed that it isn’t going to happen, which makes it harder for me to be interested in other folks.

Part of the problem too is that I’m almost always the one to initiate. I don’t think I’m necessarily unattractive, but I am a bit overweight (working on getting back into dancing and weightlifting for that) and definitely not someone who has a bunch of folks pursuing them. I’ve gotten better about not being scared to be the one to initiate when I think I might be interested (thanks a great deal to a lot of your advice!) but it is kind of hard to be the initiator when you aren’t often sure of what you’re looking for yourself.

I could ramble on more, but in short, do you have any advice for how to date when you’re slow to warm to people and aren’t entirely sure what it is you’re looking for anyways?

Thanks,
Lukewarm and Indecisive

[Read more…]

How Do I Stop Feeling Ashamed of Being A Virgin?

April 13, 2022 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Dear Dr. NerdLove: 

I came across one of blog forums, and thought it may be beneficial to reach out to you.

I’ve been getting a lot of shit from my family, mainly siblings and stepmom, about still being a virgin. I’m a 19 year old male coming from an extremely religious household. I was super self-conscious throughout high school, which combined with religion, negatively affected my ability to make friends/relationships. Since COVID I’ve been living with my dad’s family, who consistently insult my social ineptitude.

I’ve been looking up online the ages people usually lose their virginity, and feel like the clock is ticking till I become the stereotypical 40-year-old virgin. I really don’t care whether or not I ever have sex, as my priorities are on my career, but it feels like there’s a negative stigma towards virgins. I’d rather have a one-night-stand or some hookup now just to get it over with.

Do you have any advice for someone like me that has no experience with dating or hookups, and lacks in ideal qualities like looks or being a great conversationalist?

First Time Writer, Long Time V-Card Holder

[Read more…]

How Do I Relearn How To Date?

March 4, 2022 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hey Doc,
So I’m 31, nonbinary, and somewhere between demisexual and non-sex-repulsed ace on the asexuality spectrum. I was in a long-term relationship off and on (mostly on) from 2009-2018, before we finally admitted to each other that our life trajectories were heading in diverging directions and our incompatibilities (primarily that we’re two very different flavors of neurodivergent, as well as the fact that they’re pansexual with a high libido and I’m asexual with a low libido) were too much to overcome as partners. I’ve been on three first dates in my life, and the other two weren’t terrible but there was no chemistry.

So while I took time to be single and re-evaluate, especially during 2020, now I have no idea how to date folks, since I haven’t first-dated since me and the ex had a break in 2014. The previous relationship has made me want to take sex off the table entirely rather than be unfair to a potential allosexual partner, which limits my dating pool to aces, but like you’ve mentioned in other posts, there’s far more allos out there than aces and I’m very physically affectionate and panromantic otherwise.

Add the whole trans layer and I’m really not sure how to even approach people. Pandemic makes warm approaches difficult (though I did have a crush on an online friend for a bit, before they mentioned offhand they weren’t up to dating anyone for the foreseeable future), and cold approaches are as uncomfortable to me as they likely would be to pretty much anyone I’d be attracted to.

Advice?
Patchwork Dating Experience

[Read more…]

How Do I Stop Resenting My Friends For Abandoning Me?

February 23, 2022 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

 Dear Dr. NerdLove:

I’m stuck in a grudge loop that I need help getting out of. Over the course of the pandemic, I went through a bad breakup, moved to a new part of town, and started a new job. All good changes in the long run, but have left me feeling a bit isolated. 

The breakup splintered my friend group, as some of them preferred him over me. Of the friends who I still interact with, they all seem unwilling to invite me to many events or attend the ones I host. My new house is less than 30 minutes from them.

Yet, when I try to host something, they say they can come and then cancel at the last minute. It hurts to clean, cook, and plan something for people who just don’t want to admit I’m not worth the drive. I have made it clear I don’t mind driving to their end of town, but that didn’t seem to make a difference.

The answer would seem to be to make new friends and try to meet new guys to date. But every time I try, I feel the old resentments bubbling up.

I recently organized a lunch to try to get know some of my coworkers. Some showed up, so I should be happy that the event was a success. But I find myself begrudging the ones who canceled last minute or made planning unnecessarily difficult. Life happens, so I would like to not to fault them for the past sins of inconsiderate friends.

How do I move past this?

Stuck In A Loop

[Read more…]

Can I Still Find A Relationship When I’m HIV+?

December 10, 2021 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Dear Dr. NerdLove:  I don’t know how much you know about gay relationships, but I’m ready to give up and declare myself a “confirmed bachelor,” a quaint term that I might just reinvigorate.

I’m 43 and ethnically East Indian. Also I’m HIV positive and undetectable. That means I take regular meds that reduces the virus count in my system to a level where I cannot infect a sexual partner, especially if they are also on Prep, which is based on one of the three medications I take.

I realized I was attracted to men when I was 17. I came out to my friends first, then my family, slowly. It turned out better than I expected though not to the point where I would be bringing a long term partner home for Ramadan, for everyone’s sake. When I came out in the late ‘90’s I was the only Indian person in the youth group I joined, gay bars and clubs, or in the university LGBT clubs which I was a leader.

I was different (unique) but I assumed I would eventually find a partner and get a dog, house, and live happily ever after. Instead, I’m contemplating a life of being alone. I’m wondering if it’s still even possible to find a partner anymore, or if I even want one.

First, the race issue. Most people I deal in everyday life with are not inherently racist. There are lots of younger Indian gays in the gay village these days. It’s almost fashionable to have an “ethnic boyfriend.” Television and movies have normalized it, but not porn, which still fetishized it as a fringe “dominate the ethnic” fetish. I bring this up because of the dominance of porn and Grindr in the hookup world. I never experienced racism in normal life until I signed up for Grindr and received a torrent of “Not into Asians” or just no response at all when I initiate a conversation.

Wait, you say. Grindr is just for hooking up, if you want a real relationship try a dating site, clubs or other activities. Yes, but my HIV status scares off most “normal” guys on those sites. We might connect on geeky interests, even have sexual attraction, but my status almost always puts a wrench in things.

How did I become HIV positive, you might ask? Well, in my quest to find someone special I started exploring the fetish scene. For the most part, the leather and bondage scene is openminded, healthy, and supportive of any kink or fetish, regardless of race or body type, as long as you are down for it.

However, hand in hand with fetish scene, for me, came recreational drugs. The drugs sanded off the nervous edges, made me more open to trying new things with people I wouldn’t normally be into. But it quickly lead to a catch-22 where the only people I’d hook up with were into the “Party and play” scene, and it took drugs for me to find them hot. Even when we met, I could rarely get hard because a part of my brain was screaming “this is fucked up and you are not enjoying this.”

So I would spend hours on Grindr looking for someone to hook up with, they would come over, we would spend time finding drugs to get high, get high, and then spend even more time looking for other guys who wanted drugs for a group where often nothing would happen because we were too distracted by the next hot by on Grindr. I wasted many weekends and even missed work on this pointless pursuit.

Then the pandemic helped, I no longer “parTy” nor play, but now I’m in this conundrum. I’m still not attractive to the “normal” relationship-worthy guys that I like, and I quickly shut down anyone who suggests the PnP scenario. It doesn’t leave me with much choice other than celibacy. What can I do to change this formula?

Total Catch-22

[Read more…]

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About Dr. NerdLove:

Harris O'Malley (AKA Dr. NerdLove) is an internationally recognized blogger and dating coach who gives dating advice to geeks of all stripes. Making nerds sexier since 20011

Remember: Dr. NerdLove is not really a doctor. [Read More …]

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