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Ask Dr. NerdLove: My Parents Like My Ex More Than Me

January 25, 2019 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hello Doc!

I broke up with my ex-girlfriend “Sam” about a year ago. It was a super serious relationship: timeline for having kids/holidays with each other’s families serious. The official reason for said breakup is that I was tired of long distance (Sam has a temporary position in the neighboring state).

Reality is more complicated.

1. Sam was really insecure about the fact that my ex-boyfriend was my best friend as it wasn’t “normal” to stay in touch with your exes. It got to the point that she banned me from talking about him and refused to meet him and his husband/son when they came to visit. We had planned a trip to the city my ex lived in right before we broke up and I was having panic attacks about bringing it up.

2. Sam had a lot of internalized misogyny from her more conservative, Christian upbringing that led to some judgmental statements about my past.

3. I have some mental health issues that I treat with medication and therapy. They’re well managed but if anything flared up, Sam would insist I find a new therapist because the one I had wasn’t “curing” my issues. She said I was being lied to when I stated that therapy is not a cure.

4. We’d have what I took as “Let’s agree to disagree” moments about X which she’d then bring up in later unrelated disagreements about Y. She’d usually do this in front of others, with a laugh and an eye roll.

5. Towards the end of our relationship, Sam informed me she wasn’t sure how she felt anymore. She wasn’t sure she wanted to move back because there was no guarantee our relationship would work out and she was afraid she was wasting her time with the long distance. She asked me to convince her it would work.

At some point, we had a dumb argument, didn’t speak for three days. I realized I was relieved to have a break from reassuring my girlfriend about our relationship. I was exhausted trying to give Sam a kind of security no one could. I broke up with her the next time we spoke on the phone. After some time, Sam and I started casually texting. I’m able to cope as the emotional stakes were waaaaay lower. I love her sense of humor and I do take pride in maintaining friendships with former partners. I have zero interest in anything non-platonic with Sam.

Sam and my parents/brother have stayed in touch. They became close while we were together and this normal behavior for my family (they’ve stayed in touch with my aunts and uncles’ former SOs). I’ve tried to explain to my family why we broke up but they spin it some way where it’s never anything Sam did wrong in the relationship and that I’m being too picky.

Recently, Sam has pressed me to visit/come see me. My family is ecstatic about this and asked her down for the holidays. She thankfully already had plans. Unperturbed, my parents got her a Christmas present. Not just any Christmas but fancy alcohol. Which they legally can’t ship. So I’m expected to hand deliver it and I’m not sure I’m ready to be in a room with Sam.

I’ve considered the nuclear option but doing so risks damaging the close relationship I have with my parents and brother. I’ve gone with the flow up to this point. I don’t care that my family maintains contact with Sam (okay, I care a little), but I don’t want to be in the middle of it.

Questions: Is there a tactful way to extricate myself from the love fest between my family and my ex-girlfriend? Have I screwed myself by being non-confrontational up to this point? Am I being too picky? Should I have given into my instincts and chugged the 12-year-aged Scotch I’m giving Sam in two days, consequences be damned?

Didn’t Ask to be Santa’s Helper

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Ask Dr. NerdLove: How Do I Date, Now That I’m Bisexual?

January 11, 2019 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Dear Dr. NerdLove:

I’m a 32 year old gay man. At least, that’s how I have labeled myself, and my sexual and romantic life has been with men. But I’ve always found some women attractive. More recently, I’ve found myself more and more interested in women. I think now I’m actually now more sexually attracted to women than to men. (It sounds really weird, and it’s been even weirder to live through. But bi people have told me that this experience is really common among them). And I’ve done some things to explore my desires for women — and, yup, they feel as real as any straight guy’s. So I’ve accepted that I’m really bisexual, and I want to make women a part of my life. But the obstacles to doing that seem formidable.

I know that most women won’t date bisexual men. Talking with bi guys on-line, they all have nightmarish stories of constant rejection, so much that some have given up dating women at all. I need to find women who would be open to someone like me. I don’t know how to find them. I know to rule out women who might have some religious or moral objections — no loss there. I also know that I’m open to dating women that many straight men would rule out — older women, “bigger” women (who actually really turn me on, BTW). But I really need some kind of hint as to what women might give me a chance. (FWIW, I am disease-free and would be monogamous in a committed relationship). A bi woman would seem ideal, but a lot of them won’t date bi men either.

I also am intimidated by what I know about the straight dating world. The straight women I know all have horror stories about the things men have done to them. The straight men I know all have stories of frustration finding available women and being subjected to various “head games” by women. But something must work, since most of the people I know are in relationships. I’m also put off by the rigidity of straight dating — the man must initiate, the man must pay for everything, the man is expected to make more money. All of these things are much more flexible in same-sex relationships. I know that women have good reason to be wary of men — I’ve had my own bad experiences with men, so I really understand. But I would probably get frustrated quickly with a woman who expected me to always conform to a fixed role.

I don’t know where this is going. I don’t know whether I want a full-blown romantic relationship with a woman, or something more casual. Unlike a lot of the straight people my age, I’m not looking to get married now! But I know that men wanting to “keep it casual” are a dime a dozen, and women constantly complain about men who won’t commit. Once again, I don’t how to find women who would be interested in a casual relationship where I would still be exploring my sexuality. Maybe a woman who recently got out of a relationship and just wants to have fun would work for me. I might be a better bet for a woman who doesn’t want kids, since I’m now in the stage of life where a lot of women get serious about their biological clocks.

I actually think I could bring a lot to a relationship with a woman. My friends would tell you that I am smart, funny, and charming. I dress well and work out regularly. I have an advanced degree and a solid job. I have plenty of female friends (I haven’t dared to discuss my sexual exploration with most of them, and I wonder how they would take learning that their gay buddy was hot for them — which I am!). I am beginning to think that I am moving into a more heterosexual phase of my life, given how strong my desires for women are. But the obstacles to my achieving fulfillment seem huge — I am scared that I’m going to just end up as another lonely, frustrated guy who dreams of being with women but knows they will never have him.

Bisexual Guy Looking For Chicks

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Ask Dr. NerdLove: Is It Too Late For Me?

December 31, 2018 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hi Doc,

I’m going to make this a bit of a short story, starting with the present, moving on to the past, and ending with some questions on how to approach my love-life’s future, if you don’t mind.

I’m a 32 year old web applications programmer, and I have had no real experience with love, sex, or even dating. There’s optimistic phrases for people like me, such as “late bloomer,” or “don’t compare your life to others, just live your life and things will be fine.” But, I’m real scared that I’m on my way to being Steve Carell’s 40-year-old Virgin. This leads me to not talk much about my love life with friends or family, but also, I think, leads to a circular problem because by not putting myself out there as willing or available, nothing really comes my way; kind of like job hunting. Compounding it all is the fact that I do suffer from some depression and social anxiety, which makes it tough for me to get out on my own. Leading me to go out only when I have friends or family available, and typically keeps me from going to or participating in things where I might meet other singles like myself.

Now for the past: I moved from a tiny town in a very rural area–like literally it was a 2 and a half hour drive just to go to a Walmart–when I was in the middle of High School to a larger city/metro with close to 3 million people. Made it hard to make and keep close friends. No real complaints. I’ve lived a good life. My Senior year of High School, I was a foreign exchange student in Kyoto, Japan, and went to a college prep (and English language friendly) school affiliated with the University of Kyoto. Met some friends that I currently pen pal (email) with today. Also, in my Junior year of High School, I was in Taekwondo. You would think a 16 year old boy would be hormone filled and super open to sex, but when a 26 year old instructor came onto me when we traveled together to a tournament with an overnight stay, I freaked out and was scared. Not really something you talk with any friends about, it’s just embarrassing. In college, I kinda sorta dated this girl that was in several of my classes, but, honestly, and embarrassingly, I didn’t really know how to take things a step further than just hanging out every now and then, going to a few movies, dinners, coffee shops, she even invited me over and cooked dinner a few times. I knew she wanted to “officially” date and was waiting for me to do something more…I could just feel it. But, I didn’t know what to do, and didn’t know how to communicate my feelings. I liked her, and wanted to take it further, too, but just wasn’t sure how to get past where we were. So, we graduated, she moved for a job, I moved for grad school, and that was that. We kept up a bit from a distance over the phone and email, but not much anymore; she’s married now. Got a scholarship to study at Cambridge in the UK for my masters degree. School was pretty intense, and I didn’t have a whole lot of time. Weirdly, there was a guy that I shared a very similar experience with that I had with my “kinda sorta girlfriend” in college. We actually kind of dated, I think. And, if I’m honest, I was attracted. And, I think it was a similar situation where we just weren’t sure how to go to the next step. So, I’m not really sure, but I may be bisexual.

That’s where we get to where I’m at now, and how do I move forward. I’m back where I’ve been since I was a Sophomore in High School. Living alone, but about a half hour drive from the parents. Working as a programmer. Having a hard time getting out on my own. And, also a little confused about my sexuality because, let’s be honest, I really have no real experience at all. How to a reconcile this and move forward. At 32, even if I’m comfortable with the fact that all my friends are married or seriously dating and I am doing nothing of the sort (which, I’m not), I feel like it’s time to move forward a bit. It’s hard to live alone at this point and not feel a little lonely. Any advice on steps to take to just get a catalyst going toward moving out of stagnation?

Thanks, Doc!

Too-Late Bloomer

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Ask Dr. NerdLove: Am I Doomed By My Dating Inexperience?

December 3, 2018 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hello Doc,

Reading your articles as an inexperienced man is always reassuring, even when things seem pretty bleak. The truth about me isn’t that I’m socially anxious, terribly ugly (I guess?), or too meek. I’m introverted, but much of my pain is due to not actively trying, and an inferiority complex.

I’ve always been down on myself. I’ve thought of myself as a social reject and someone who’s pretty ugly. I can socialize and make friends, but there’s always been a lack of confidence and low self-worth when it comes to dating. I didn’t have a relationship until I was 26. It tormented me for a very, very long time. I was stressed that my time was running out, bitter that I had wasted my youth. It took me so long to sort out my life and actively try because I was depressed, doing poorly in college, and went through cancer treatment at 22/23. After enduring chemotherapy, I was convinced nothing would ever go right for me. I’m grateful to be in remission, but I’m still a resentful, melancholic and bitter person.
I feel old, like time has passed me by. I wish I hadn’t lost my teens and early 20s, so I feel the pressure to play “catch up.”

At 26, I met a girl who I felt a good connection with. She was going through a hearing (abusive ex), and had also been sexually assaulted. She has had her own issues with depression and anxiety. She would self-harm. I could tell she was deeply in love with me. There was mental connection, but she was also really physically attracted to me. She even introduced me to her parents right off the bat, which was surprising. Our first three months were nice. According to her, I was a good partner, attentive, supportive, intelligent/intellectual, and “made her feel safe.” She had her own insecurities about her body and looks.

I took some time before I started staying nights, because I wanted to respect her boundaries and not push for sex. I made her orgasm pretty easily through oral sex, using my fingers. I was good at foreplay, and a decent kisser. I would make her cum consistently when we were intimate. She would usually initiate, and seemed genuinely into it. I still feel like I fell flat on my face though. This is because I had a few instances of performance anxiety and premature ejaculation. I put such a burden on myself to perform and get a girlfriend that I was super tense. We didn’t ever get a chance to build further physical chemistry and have intercourse. I avoided it, under the assumption that we’d get time to work on things later. I didn’t really enjoy sex, it was more about getting her off. She never ridiculed me, seemed angry or disappointed. She was understanding. Unfortunately, it turned long distance over the summer and fell apart. She broke up with me, saying she didn’t feel enough to keep things going, and she had wanted more closeness.

I feel pathetic that I wasn’t able to perform for a woman who really liked me. I’m not sure I was interested in a LTR, or immensely physically attracted to her. I felt guilty about this. I feared I was “bad in bed” but she had said I wasn’t. I guess I was attuned to her needs. I asked her if she left me because of the anxiety, but she denied that too. She had said that I made her cum faster than her previous partner (the abusive ex). My insecurities are back with a vengeance. I still feel like an inexperienced loser, and certainly still feel like I deserve the label “virgin” (there was penetration but I wasn’t fully erect). I wish I wasn’t so burdened with past insecurities.

I can’t quite feel proud of myself for being a decent boyfriend. I feel like I failed at a fundamental aspect of a relationship. The breakup is not what I’m stressing about Doc. I’m just concerned that I’m an impotent, spineless wimp who squandered the only opportunity I’ve ever had. Kissing three women, and intimacy with one woman doesn’t seem very impressive for a guy who’s now 27. I see many sex columnists ridicule older virgins, but I don’t think there’s anything wrong with me physically.

My question is simple. How do I stop beating myself up? How can I force myself to see that this was a huge step forward for me. It’s in the right direction, at least. I went from thinking I’d never have a partner until my 30s, to having a really loving partner.

Problem is, my sex drive is pretty low, and I’m constantly ruminating on what I did wrong.
I’m more devastated than I probably should be, given the circumstances.
How do I keep going? I feel like this is a sign that I’m not cut out for having a good dating and sex life. I still can’t accept that anyone would actually like me.

-Haunted by the Past

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Ask Dr. NerdLove: How Can I Avoid Being An Accidental Creeper?

November 26, 2018 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hey Doc,

A lot of discussions and articles about creepiness often say many things on what not to do. It starts to feel like “Here are 30,00 ways to not approach or flirt with women, don’t do any of them and you have a chance at not being evil”. And it also gets worse when there are also many things that just MIGHT be creepy, and that’s even worse when you’re not good at reading body language, and it makes any social anxiety or self-doubting you may have get even worse.

So what are some examples of ways to approach and flirt with women that are definitely not creepy?

Creep-Anxious Dude

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