meeting men Archives

Can I Still Find A Relationship When I’m HIV+?

December 10, 2021 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Dear Dr. NerdLove: I don’t know how much you know about gay relationships, but I’m ready to give up and declare myself a “confirmed bachelor,” a quaint term that I might just reinvigorate.

I’m 43 and ethnically East Indian. Also I’m HIV positive and undetectable. That means I take regular meds that reduces the virus count in my system to a level where I cannot infect a sexual partner, especially if they are also on Prep, which is based on one of the three medications I take.

I realized I was attracted to men when I was 17. I came out to my friends first, then my family, slowly. It turned out better than I expected though not to the point where I would be bringing a long term partner home for Ramadan, for everyone’s sake. When I came out in the late ‘90’s I was the only Indian person in the youth group I joined, gay bars and clubs, or in the university LGBT clubs which I was a leader.

I was different (unique) but I assumed I would eventually find a partner and get a dog, house, and live happily ever after. Instead, I’m contemplating a life of being alone. I’m wondering if it’s still even possible to find a partner anymore, or if I even want one.

First, the race issue. Most people I deal in everyday life with are not inherently racist. There are lots of younger Indian gays in the gay village these days. It’s almost fashionable to have an “ethnic boyfriend.” Television and movies have normalized it, but not porn, which still fetishized it as a fringe “dominate the ethnic” fetish. I bring this up because of the dominance of porn and Grindr in the hookup world. I never experienced racism in normal life until I signed up for Grindr and received a torrent of “Not into Asians” or just no response at all when I initiate a conversation.

Wait, you say. Grindr is just for hooking up, if you want a real relationship try a dating site, clubs or other activities. Yes, but my HIV status scares off most “normal” guys on those sites. We might connect on geeky interests, even have sexual attraction, but my status almost always puts a wrench in things.

How did I become HIV positive, you might ask? Well, in my quest to find someone special I started exploring the fetish scene. For the most part, the leather and bondage scene is openminded, healthy, and supportive of any kink or fetish, regardless of race or body type, as long as you are down for it.

However, hand in hand with fetish scene, for me, came recreational drugs. The drugs sanded off the nervous edges, made me more open to trying new things with people I wouldn’t normally be into. But it quickly lead to a catch-22 where the only people I’d hook up with were into the “Party and play” scene, and it took drugs for me to find them hot. Even when we met, I could rarely get hard because a part of my brain was screaming “this is fucked up and you are not enjoying this.”

So I would spend hours on Grindr looking for someone to hook up with, they would come over, we would spend time finding drugs to get high, get high, and then spend even more time looking for other guys who wanted drugs for a group where often nothing would happen because we were too distracted by the next hot by on Grindr. I wasted many weekends and even missed work on this pointless pursuit.

Then the pandemic helped, I no longer “parTy” nor play, but now I’m in this conundrum. I’m still not attractive to the “normal” relationship-worthy guys that I like, and I quickly shut down anyone who suggests the PnP scenario. It doesn’t leave me with much choice other than celibacy. What can I do to change this formula?

Total Catch-22

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Why Is It So Hard To Meet A Good Man?

November 15, 2021 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hi Dr. NerdLove,

I’m a 29 year old woman who is really struggling to get into a relationship. I have tried so many things, and I just don’t know where to go from here. I have a good job, a few great relatives, and some fantastic friends. I’m not unhappy, but I would really like a partner.

I have asked multiple people if they know any single guys, only to hear they don’t. You can only ask someone so many times if they know anyone single, before it becomes desperate. If they say they don’t know anyone, there’s nothing you can do with that.

I have gone to tons of Meetup events, but those don’t seem to ever have single guys around my age, and for the past year or so, Meetup has been dead due to COVID. Heck, I’ve tried all kinds of things in the past, from a running club, to indoor rock climbing, to volleyball. I’ve also done volunteer work for a local wildlife conservation group. I’m not sure why, but men in their 20s and 30s don’t seem to join these things. Either it’s a lot of women, or it’s men in their 50s and up.

Thankfully, things have started to open back up some, and I have joined a Dungeons and Dragons group, run by a couple. The couple is pretty introverted, and they have young kids, so they don’t know a lot of people. There are two other guys in the group. One is married, the other I am not attracted to. Please know that there is nothing wrong the guy I’m not attracted to, and he’s a great person, but I want to be with someone that I also like physically.

Everyone tells me to try online dating, and in fairness, I do know multiple people that have met their partner online. I have tried multiple dating sites/apps over the years, including Tinder, Bumble, Coffee Meets Bagel, Match.com, and, most recently, OkCupid.

Match.com was probably the worst site. I was on there for a year, and didn’t even go on one second date, which has not been the case on the other sites. It was a horrible experience that really lowered my self esteem. Not only was the site filled with bots, but when I would meet someone, a lot of the people I met were really rude. I can’t tell you how many people from Match could barely say hello, or make eye contact. One person had a chart of dates they had been on, which made me feel like I was part of some survey I’d never signed up for. Another person tried to take my picture without my consent, and was just genuinely creepy.

OkCupid has been the best site, in that the people I’ve met from there have mostly been polite, and fun to talk with, but aside from a few second dates, nothing goes anywhere. I was ghosted by someone who seemed like a great person, and I have no idea why. Online dating makes me feel really bad about myself in ways no other social event does. Like I have friends, and I can get along well with others, but online dating makes me feel like a reject. I often get the impression a lot of guys just use dating apps because they are bored, not because they want to genuinely meet someone. Maybe that’s not true for older guys, but I think it is for guys in their 20s.

The best option I think I have right now is a game shop I found last month, that just opened back up to holding in person game nights. The shop holds a weekly Dungeons and Dragons game for new players, and it’s been really fun, and tends to attract a variety of people. Heck, the store itself seems to have a lot of guys around my age, so I’m hopeful it might be a way to meet someone.

I have read multiple dating advice books, along with tons of articles, listened to podcasts, and watched videos. At this point, I just don’t know what to do anymore.

Thank you for reading this. I’ll leave you with my three questions:

1. Have your other readers had bad experiences with Match.com? I really can’t stress how horrible that site was, from the clunky layout, to the bots, to the downright rude people. Like I said, no other site was that bad.

2. Is there a way to succeed at online dating? Should I try more than one app? I’ve only been using OkCupid. Should I try POF, or Hinge? Is there an app geared towards serious guys who want a relationship? I just turned 29….would someone in their 30s be more mature/relationship minded?

3. Are there any places that you think would be good to meet guys? The game shop seems good so far. Any other ideas?

Any help is appreciated. Thank you!

Looking For Groups

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Help, I Just Discovered My Fiancé Is Already Married!

October 8, 2021 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Dear Dr. NerdLove:

I met my fiancé, we’ll call him A, in 2019 on a dating site. He was sweet, funny, educated, and driven. He told me he had never been married and didn’t have children. I have one boy from a previous relationship. A was a travel nurse and I was a staff nurse at the time. We went on our first date the day after my 30th birthday. We hit it off immediately and the relationship moved pretty fast.

After a few months, I introduced him to my son and after a year, we decided to travel together. We get time off between our assignments, usually a couple weeks which we use to spend time with our families.

Last October, A proposed to me and I said yes. He met my entire family and everyone loves him, I told them we are getting married, etc. I’ve always found it strange that he had never taken me to meet his family though. I tried not to push the subject, because he said he had a strained relationship with everyone.

When he returned from his family this time, however, I found another woman’s underwear in his laundry. I panicked and did a background check on him. As it turns out, he has been married for 13 years and has 4 children. I’m so shocked and angry. I told his wife, who he has since left to be with me. I don’t know what to do. I love him, but he has lied to me everyday of our relationship and has been unfaithful as well. It’s hard not to curl into a ball and give up. I feel so stupid, I told whole family we are getting married.

What do I do?

Unintentional Homewrecker

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Do Men Really NEED To Be Needed?

October 1, 2021 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Dear Dr. NerdLove:

I’m a 42 year old woman who has had one long term relationship in my life, that lasted about 10 years but ended over 10 years ago. Other than that it has been a series of dates here and there, but generally the guys just ghost or tell me that they aren’t feeling a spark. And this has been the case my entire life. I didn’t date in High School because nobody would ask me out even though, in the years since, a lot of my former friends from that time told me they had crushes on me, but they were intimidated. My one boyfriend broke up with me because he felt like I didn’t really need him, and that I would be better off without him. (I guess he was sort of right, after the relationship ended I quit the job I hated, but kept because it worked with his schedule, and went to law school and became an attorney).

I want very much to be in a long term monogamous relationship, hopefully marriage. I am on dating apps. I try to always look cute even if I am not conventionally attractive anymore (but I was very hot as a teenager and I still couldn’t get dates, so it can’t just be my looks). I am in therapy to work on the grieving process I feel about not being married by now (and the fact I probably won’t be able to have biological children) and he has had me ask my friends and family about why they think I’m having issues in this area. The thing that keeps coming up is that I have a big personality, have carved out this full life for myself, and that I am always doing lots of stuff to stay busy, and that guys are scared by that because they don’t see where they would fit in my life.

Is that something guys need? It doesn’t make sense to me because if I meet a guy who seems to have a “girlfriend shaped hole” in their life it freaks me out. I don’t want someone to be auditioning me for a part they already have written to see if I fit, I want someone to get to know me and build something with me. Is that unusual? Do guys need to feel needed, and if so how can I build that life so that I need someone who may, or may not, ever exist?

Running Solo Build

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Why Is She Good Enough to Flirt With, But Not Good Enough to Date?

September 20, 2021 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hi, Doc!

I (F, straight, cis, 29) am really fucking furious about something and I think I need a guy with lots of male-female insight to talk me off the ledge.

In a therapy session last night with my AMAZING sex therapist (whom I decided to start seeing a few months ago to work out some hangups I had about racial identity, body image, and sexuality), we sort of came to a bummer of a conclusion about a consistent dating hiccup I have.

Basically, I run into this problem where I’ll meet a guy, we’ll be flirty and friendly and I think maybe it could go somewhere, and then as soon as I make any sort of half-move beyond benign flirtation, he backs off with lightning speed. It’s really uncanny. And very disappointing and frustrating.

After recounting my most recent experience with this behavior and explaining how insane it is that this keeps happening and how it’s really starting to weigh on me, I wondered aloud if it could have anything to do with the fact that many of the guys in my social circles are White and I’m Black (biracial, actually), and on top of that, I’m fat (actually the national average, but that’s considered fat by cultural standards). I posited that these guys don’t even see me as a viable romantic option at all, just a “non-threatening” female that they can get something from without putting in any effort themselves–someone they don’t have to try with. Considering some of my male “friends” (I use the term loosely because of what I’m about to explain) are actually in relationships or married and still flirt with me and conveniently omit any mention of their partners when we spend time together (always platonically; I would never start something with a guy in a relationship), this seems like it could definitely be the reason. Their partners, if they did find out how these men talk to me (definitely in a way they wouldn’t interact with male friends), probably wouldn’t like it if I were a conventionally attractive White woman, but because I look the way I look they deem their flirtation harmless and safe.

I should also say that it’s not particularly difficult to find men who want to have sex with me, but as soon as anything more than that is on the table they put their hands up and back away like I might permanently injure them. Anyway, my therapist, who is also a Black woman, agreed that all of the above is totally a realistic possibility. I think hearing that from someone who looks like me, and not just a platitude of “No, you’re amazing, any guy would be lucky to have you, I honestly don’t understand why guys aren’t tripping over themselves and each other to get to you” (which I hear a lot from my female friends who don’t looks like me), was simultaneously refreshing and very depressing.

The thing is, there’s a PERSON on the other end of that flirtation. I think I’m pretty good at discerning the difference between casual flirting and something more pointed, and the times I’ve tried to nudge things in a more romantic direction have been the latter. I don’t think I’m hopeless at reading cues. These guys like getting attention from me and seem to enjoy my company. Until I indicate that I might actually want something from them, and then they WITHOUT FAIL gaslight me into thinking there was absolutely no flirtation or intent on their end. (I should say that the gaslighting happens when I call them out on it, which I don’t do often because every time I have I get the exact same shady-ass response. And, by the way, I have witnesses who attest to these guys’ flirtatious behavior.)

I hope what I’ve outlined so far is comprehensible. I’m clearly a ball of angry, anxious, sad, lonely energy. I don’t even know if I have a question, but I’d love to hear your take on why men do this and whether you think I’m totally crazy for being so fucking over it all. I’m so sick of being treated like my feelings don’t matter, and then being told that the things I’m feeling were based on nothing to begin with. I’m a writer by profession, so maybe I just need to write a book about this or something so people will believe me and maybe even start holding men more accountable. I don’t know. I feel like my anger about this is making me bitter and less open to the men who I’m sure do exist out there who would be open to–or even thrilled!–to date me. I don’t want to close myself off to them, but experiencing this same exciting-then-ultimately-disappointing interaction over and over is really starting to break me.

Thanks in advance,
Black Ladies Have Feelings Too

P.S. My amazing sex therapist also brought up the good point that it would be worth expanding my social circles, and I agree. That said, I’m stuck in my city for work and obviously the pandemic has put a damper on major socializing efforts. I do have a very diverse group of friends, but our industry is pretty overwhelmingly White and image-conscious. (Can you guess which industry I’m talking about?) I also don’t date using apps anymore because I have done that a TON in the past and I’m burnt out; plus, they’re super racist and that makes me feel very icky and I’m allowed to choose to avoid situations that make me feel that way.

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