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How Do I Know if I Even WANT a Relationship?

January 18, 2021 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Doctor’s Note: Hey NerdLovers! It’s a new year and I want to help start 2021 off on a positive note. So I want to hear from you: what are some of your relationship wins? How have you improved your personal life, your friendships or your romantic relationships? What are some of the ways you’ve made your life better recently? Let’s share some hope, some positivity and success to help inspire folks to achieve their own victories.

Send your success stories to doc@doctornerdlove.com with the subject header “relationship wins”; maybe you’ll see your success story in a future column.

Hi, Doc.

Lately, I’ve had these recurring thoughts, that maybe the only reasons I want to seek romantic relationships with women is a combination of curiosity, fear of missing out and a sort of jealousy towards happy couples I’ve known.

Some background: I’m in my late 30s, and have basically zero experience when it comes to relationships. Never kissed, been on an actual date or had sex. The reasons as I’ve seen them are ones you’ve probably heard a bunch of times: Low confidence, social anxiety, difficulty expressing myself, a general lack of assertivity, the works.

Over the years, I’ve become aware of these shortcomings. As you might imagine, they’ve had an impact on my life beyond my (lack of) dating life. Up until relatively recently, I couldn’t hold a job beyond a few months. I got into this awful cycle of starting out optimistically, but my lack of communication and reluctance to ask for help were seen as apathy and incompetence, and I’d inevitably reach a point where I just didn’t make the cut and lost my job. This happened at least 3 or 4 times, before I resolved to look for help on my issues.

Now, with a combination of some rounds of therapy, reading self-help books and blogs, and support from close friends and family, I’ve managed to regain a bit of control over my life. I’m in a pretty good position in my current job, and I’ve had some victories in dealing with my anxiety (Phone calls no longer terrify me the way they used to). Obviously, I’ve still faced some situations that make me freeze in panic and indecision, but progress has been visible at least.

However, one aspect where I have not been able to see progress is in interpersonal relationships. I have some small groups of friends, some pretty close, but pretty much all of them revolving around my hobbies. Most of the time I have to interact one on one with someone (and specially with women), I’ll either blank out on what to talk about or do the nerd-ranting thing when a familiar topic pops up. Not to say that all I’ve had is bad experiences, but here’s the thing: Even in the occasions where I’ve had positive social experiences, I can’t seem to enjoy myself, and that brings me to the original premise.

I’m not sure if it’s the more avoidant parts of my personality that cause a lack of trying in regards to dating because it’s “not worth the hassle”, but I can’t help but think it might be something else. I mean, I do feel attracted to women and as far as I can tell I’m not asexual. However, I just can’t see myself in a relationship and find it hard to find motivation to pursue one.

Any thoughts?

Owner of An Indecisive Heart

Hey man, I think you’re doing yourself a disservice here. You’ve made a lot of progress, in what seems like a relatively short amount of time. I mean, look at what you’ve accomplished. You’ve gotten help, you’ve been proactive in making your life better, building your social skills, working on your communication and building up your confidence and emotional resilience. That’s pretty damn huge. You should be proud of what you’ve achieved! You’ve come a long, long damn way, and that’s incredible. I’m really proud of you for that.

I think part of the problem that you’re running into is that you’re pushing yourself pretty hard and it’s making you stall out a little. One of the things that people often don’t think about as they’re working on themselves is that self-improvement, especially when it comes to things like overcoming social anxiety, takes time and energy. The problem is that sometimes you can get caught up in the excitement of your progress and push yourself a little too hard. Much like when you’re starting an exercise program or beginning to train for a sport, you can overtrain and overexert yourself and end up hitting a wall. It’s not that you aren’t ready or that you haven’t progressed to this point, but that you’ve basically exhausted yourself and drained your reserves. As a result, you actually end up running the risk of injuring yourself or losing a little ground because you have nothing left in the tank.

… ok, this metaphor may have gotten away from me a little.

The point is that you’ve made a lot of progress, and that’s taken time and energy. And while I totally get the desire to keep pushing forward and get to that next level in your development, I think you may need to take a moment to breath and recoup your energy. It’s hard to enjoy yourself when it feels like you have to give everything you’ve got to being present and social AND focus on all the other things you’ve learned.

Small wonder that you don’t have much motivation to try to pursue a relationship; you’re still working on not exhausting yourself while you practice your newfound social skills.

Now don’t get me wrong: I’m not saying that you should want a relationship. It may well be that it’s just not your thing. There’s such a thing as being aromantic; you can be attracted to people and interested in sex, but not interested in romantic relationships. But I think it’s just as likely that you don’t have the bandwidth for pursuing one yet. What I think you should do right now is focus on what you’ve already accomplished. There’re four stages to developing a skill set:

  1. Unconscious incompetence (you don’t know anything about it at all, including how unskilled you are)
  2. Conscious incompetence (you’re aware of what you don’t know)
  3. Conscious competence (you can do it, but you have to think about it as you do it)
  4. Unconscious competence (you can do it without thinking)

Right now, you’re at stage 3; you’re aware of what you’re doing, you know how to do it, but it requires that you pay attention. That takes up a fair amount of mental RAM, so it’s not surprising there’re other areas where you still go blank or feel like you’re struggling. Taking a little time to develop those skills you’ve already learned into metaphorical muscle memory so that you reach stage 4 will go a long way towards freeing up that RAM so that you’re ready to start applying it to talking to people and enjoying social situations. When you don’t feel like you’re struggling, you’ll be in a better position to enjoy things. When you get to that point, it’ll be a lot easier for you to gauge just what it is you want when it comes to companionship and relationships.

And hey, you may well realize that while you like sex and friendship… you just aren’t looking for romance. And that’s fine. That’s a perfectly valid option if that’s where you decide you fall on that spectrum.

But for now: take a victory lap and a victory nap, my dude. You’ve earned both. Take some time practicing your newfound skills and then move on to the next stage. Despite what you may be feeling, there really is no rush. You aren’t on anyone’s schedule but your own and there is no deadline that you have to meet. Love and relationships — if that’s what you want — will be waiting for you when you’re ready.

Good luck.


Hello Doctor,

I am a big fan of yours. You have helped me get through my feelings of inadequacy of being a virgin in my late 20s (By the way, where are all my virgins at? *laughs*), and my feelings of being morally bankrupt for watching porn and masturbating. For that you will alway have my gratitude.

My question is probably a little different from what is usually sent in for Ask Dr. NerdLove, because it is based on creating a social media account. Let me give you some context before I give you my question. I am a 27M who has never really had social media (I do have a YouTube account, but from everyone I have talked to about social media they don’t really consider it to be, especially because I “don’t upload my own videos”). I mean, I didn’t even have a MySpace when that was cool.

To be completely honest this didn’t start as a “fuck you” to Mark Zuckerberg, because I was trying to transcend the need for social media, or thinking I’m better than people who use social media to communicate. I just wasn’t that interested when I was younger.

As I got older, however, I did start to catch backlash for not having social media, whether it was from girls that I would ask out feeling really uncomfortable that I don’t have it (when they would try to give me their Facebook or Instagram instead of their number or asked for my social media), or the really weird question I would inevitably get asked from someone who finds out I don’t have any: “Do you believe in social media?” Like it’s a religion or something.

Only after talking to my close guy friends (a lot), and getting rejected by a girl that is in my bubble and a new friend, did I come to realize it was because I decided to make my life harder and my dating pool smaller on purpose. I realized for some reason I decided that I wanted to prove to myself and (I guess) others, that I could have a successful love life and social life without it, because of my feelings of being worthy of sex and love. I know it is still possible, but as each year goes by and I get older, I become more serious about getting a relationship (whether sexual or romantic), and more miserable I don’t have one.

So my question is: What is the most well rounded social media application to stay in contact with people I’m close with, and meet the largest amount of girls out of Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter (I’m only really planning to get one)? And, while we’re at it, what are their distinctive differences and audiences they attract? As I said before, I literally have no fucking idea, I know they exist, but I have really never even seen my friends use them.

I know starting social media is not a cure all for, admittedly, unwanted celibacy, and I have a steep learning curve. But, and this is a big but, I really don’t want to limit myself anymore. Any advice you have will be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

Social Media Saved My Life

So there’re a couple things here, SMSML. First of all: yes, you can date and meet people without social media. I mean, I realize as a Gen X-er I’m officially one of the Olds but hey, we successfully got by without Friendster, MySpace, Facebook, Twitter, TikTok or what-have-you. Having an Instagram account isn’t going to be the thing that tilts “do I want to bang him (y/n)?” to the “y” side of things, in and of itself. Plenty of folks get by without it.

The thing is:  the younger you are, the more you’re going to stand out for not having a social media presence. This isn’t inherently good or bad, it’s just unusual, because social media use is pretty ubiquitous, especially when you start getting to the digital natives in the Millennial and Zoomer generations. Social media has, in many ways, become the place where folks interact with their social circles. It’s how folks stay in contact with each other, it’s where we share our lives and it’s become part of the overall fabric of society. This is especially true during the pandemic; since we can’t be with our friends in person, social media has been a critical part of how people have stayed connected with friends, colleagues and loved ones, especially those who may be spread all over the country or planet. Social media sites and apps have become central to the lives of millions.

(Now whether this is a good thing is a hotly debated subject… especially after the spread of QAnon, anti-vaxx communities, the radicalization effects of Facebook and YouTube and  events of January 6th. Not to mention basic issues of privacy.)

So the fact that you don’t have a social media presence will, in fact, make you stand out as being unusual. How people respond to that is going to vary from individual to individual. To some, it’s going to seem like you’re trying to position yourself as a type of snob, hipster or holier-than-thou type; the 2021 version of “I don’t even have a TV”. To others it’s going to seem suspect. After all, when more and more people live their lives online, not having an online presence can seem to some as though you have something to hide. And on a practical level, it can be inconvenient; plenty of folks plan events and get togethers via social media, and that makes it easier to keep everyone in the loop and updated in the event of any changes. When someone isn’t on social media, that makes it harder to keep them connected and involved. Past a point, that difficulty can lead to the outliner not being included — not out of malice or dislike, but simply because it’s easy to forget that you need to take those extra steps.

Now all of that doesn’t mean that you need to develop a social media presence. Those are inconveniences, yes, but not necessarily deal-breakers. If that’s something you’re ok with putting up with, then hey, there you go. But it sounds like you’re looking to actually break this particular seal and get on… somewhere.

So if you were to choose just one… I’d say choose the one that most of your friends use. That will give you an immediate network of people to follow and interact with and who can help you get a quicker grasp of various customs, memes and the unspoken rules that so often crop up like mushrooms after a rain. That being said, you should familiarize yourself with the options that are out there. Facebook is ubiquitous and has the much larger overall user base, but it also tends to trend older. Instagram is a little more unidirectional; you’re broadcasting more than conversing. There’re plenty of conversations that happen in the comments, but it wasn’t designed with an eye towards communities the way that Facebook was. Twitter is closer to being somewhere between the town square or a large restaurant; some folks are speaking to the crowd, others are having conversations with their friends that you’re just able to overhear. And of course there’re always apps like Snapchat, Tumblr, TikTok… all of them are going to be different, and all of them are going to have their different user bases. Figuring out which is best for you will be a matter of trial and error, ultimately.

Now that being said: while you can meet and date folks from Facebook, Instagram and so on, it’s important to remember that for most folks on there, those aren’t dating apps.  That doesn’t mean that dates, hook-ups and relationships don’t start there — hell, I can’t count the number of real-life relationships that started on Final Fantasy XIV or World of Warcraft — that’s not what they’re intended for and that’s not what most folks are looking for or expecting.

(Well… kinda. Facebook did add Facebook Dating, but that’s another discussion entirely.)

When you start off, think of your social media presence as being an insight into who you are as a person. You’re sharing part of your life — what you’re into, what you do, etc. The key to meeting people on social media is that you treat it like meeting people through your social circles. You don’t want to cruise through Facebook pages like a horny shark, hitting on everyone who catches your eye; you simply get to know people. Sometimes you and another person will catch a vibe; you can take the conversation to DMs and see where things go. But if you go through Facebook or Insta or what-have-you like it’s a singles bar, you’re gonna be seen as just another free-floating offer of dick, like so many others. You don’t want that. And frankly, neither do the folks you’re going to be talking to.

To be sure: the pandemic means that social media and dating apps are how we’re connecting with folks right now, simply because it’s not safe to do so otherwise. But overall, my recommendation is that you see social media as an accessory to how you meet folks you want to date. It’s a way of staying in contact, expanding your network and giving folks some insight into who you are as a person. The more you focus on your in-person social skills, the easier it is to meet people on social media… and turn those connections into in-person dates.

Good luck.

Why Won’t My Husband Treat His Mental Illness?

December 21, 2020 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hello Dr. Nerdlove,

I first want to express my appreciation for the work you do in helping people become their best versions of themselves. I saw one of your YouTube videos explaining your journey with diagnosis and treatment of ADHD, so I’m hoping you can give me some insight into what my husband is going through.

Ok, some backstory. I’m a 34 year old woman married to Buck (not his real name), a 35 year old man. We’ve been married for 10 years, together for 14. We’ve spent pretty much all of our adult lives together. We have a three and a half year old and a five month old baby together. Buck is an awesome guy. His hobbies are playing guitar, brewing beer, and weight lifting. He cooks meals often, does the shopping, has a good job that allows me to be a stay at home mom, plays with our son, buys me thoughtful gifts, and more. He makes me laugh and is a good lover too. He is also into some of the same nerdy things I am, so we have fun watching sci-fi stuff and playing board games (well, before we had babe #2 anyway!). He’s also down for outdoor adventures like camping, hiking, etc. like I said, he’s just a great guy.

My/our problem is that ever since he started working full-time at a professional job and becoming a father, he’s been struggling big time with emotional regulation, reactivity that seems to stem from anxiety, and what I have recently discovered is probably rejection-sensitive dysphoria. I tried for literally years to figure out what is going on with him because his behaviors towards me and our son have been challenging to deal with to say the least, and unintentionally abusive at times. I know he is a good guy with a good heart, and that there was something causing him to not be in control of his emotions. After exploring lots of possibilities I asked him one day if he had ever been evaluated for ADHD, and he said that he had been diagnosed with it as a kid and medicated for it for a while. I was pretty shocked that he never told me this! He apparently didn’t think it was a real thing. I joined a support group for wives with partners with ADHD, and have been learning an incredible amount about adult ADHD. The knowledge I have gained from that group and my own research has been hugely helpful in understanding Buck and his struggles, and has given me more appreciation for everything he has accomplished and all that he does for our family. I’ve also learned strategies that I can use to avoid RSD reactions, and about the importance of setting boundaries for myself.

It’s been seven months since I found out about Buck’s diagnosis as a child, and while I’ve learned so, so much about ADHD…he hasn’t. He isn’t convinced that it’s a problem for him even though I’ve explained over and over again that his behaviors and over-the-top reactions to things are not only inappropriate, but sometimes feel abusive. Growing up his family was pretty dysfunctional when it came to discipline, communication, and expressing emotions, so I understand that he may not feel like he’s doing anything wrong by having angry outbursts or being majorly disrespectful towards me since that’s what he saw as normal growing up. I told him the other day that if he didn’t start treatment of some kind — he’s not interested in medication, but has (kind of?) agreed to therapy, supplements, and a mindfulness practice specifically for ADHD — I was going to leave him. I’m looking at it as a boundary that I need to have to protect myself and our kids, but I obviously really want him to follow through on this.

So at long last my questions: Is it fair for me to demand he treat his ADHD? If so, is it also fair for me to put a time limit on seeking treatment? Like, if he doesn’t start seeing a therapist and practicing mindfulness in the next month then I’m out type of time limit. I’m having trouble with his complete avoidance of this, but want to support him in this journey since he’s totally worth it in my opinion. Any insights you have on this would be so appreciated!

Kindest regards,
Tired To Come Up With Clever Sign-Off

I’m sorry you and your husband are going through this TTCUWCSO. One of the things that doesn’t get brought up much when talking about ADHD — especially if it’s gone undiagnosed for a while — is the effect it can have on relationships. This is something that actually goes both ways. If you’re the person with ADHD, it can feel like you’re struggling constantly and your partner’s just always on your back. This, of course, leads to a dynamic where you are more likely to say or do whatever you think it takes to get them to back off and leave you alone for a while. Meanwhile, if you’re in a relationship with someone with ADHD, it can feel like you’re being neglected or constantly made a lower priority. You can’t rely on them to actually follow through with what they said they’d do. Words seem to go in one ear and out the other and, worse, they seem to pay attention to just about anything except you.

And that’s before we get into the issues of emotional dysregulation, morbid fear of rejection in almost any form and just the general sense of feeling frustrated and overwhelmed with… just about everything, really. And part of what’s the most frustrating — and what makes folks with ADHD the most irritable and upset — is that our brains will simply not do something. It’s not that you don’t know you need to write that report or file that paperwork, it’s that you literally can’t. You can’t get started on it, and your brain will often end up hyperfocusing on something else… which again, you can’t break away from. It’s not a matter of will, it’s about neurochemical deficiencies and it’s the most frustratingly maddening thing ever.

Plus there’s the ever present out-of-sight, out-of-mind issue, where even things that are important, that you are determined to remember and take care of, simply fade into the background and disappear.

So yeah from the jump: your husband really does need to work on getting treatment. I can speak from experience about just how much of a difference treatment can make when you have ADHD.

Which is why his reticence is understandably frustrating.

You would think that with all the drawbacks and all the problems that ADHD can cause, you’d think that getting treated would be a no-brainer. It’s understandable that you’d be frustrated with your husband; it seems like it should be a simple decision to go back for treatment. Why wouldn’t you, especially when it seems like it’s all upside, no downside?

To answer that question, you have to look at it from his perspective. To start with, even as mental health care has been increasingly destigmatized, there’s still that sense of shame of having a mental illness. For men, especially adult men, having ADHD can feel especially shameful because it feels like we should just be able to muscle through it. Even when you know better, it still feels like weakness or failure on your part. You just aren’t disciplined enough, not tough enough, don’t have enough grit. For someone who grew up in a household that really bought into toxic ideas of masculinity, it can be hard to shake the feeling that you’re taking a shortcut for something that you should be able to overcome on your own.

Another possibility is that Buck had a bad experience with his medication. ADHD meds, like a lot of psychiatric medication, are often more art than science, and different treatments can affect people differently. A lot of the earlier medications for ADHD had some gnarly side-effects; a loss of appetite and insomnia are common, but a lot of folks had issues like blinding migraines or nausea. If the medication didn’t feel like it helped and the side-effects were particularly unpleasant, it’s understandable that he wouldn’t want to give it another go-round, even with new and more effective meds.

But it’s also entirely possible that part of why Buck is digging his heels in is because he feels like you’re attacking him.

Don’t get me wrong: you are well within your rights to draw boundaries and tell him that you need him to get treatment. His behavior’s gone past the point of being able to just let things be, and it’s damaging both his relationship with you and your own emotional health.

But at the same time, the way the two of you go about those conversations can end up being counterproductive. For example, it can be really difficult, for both parties, to separate the symptoms from the person. You — and presumably he — know intellectually how much of this is due to his having ADHD, but emotionally it can be hard to distinguish between them. Even when you know somebody’s inattention or absent-mindedness is the result of their condition, it’s still hard to not take it as a judgement on their feelings for you. Similarly, even when you know you have a condition that makes it harder for you to accomplish or remember things, it’s easy to feel like you’re being treated like a child or an inferior. In both cases, it’s very, very easy to let things get personal when those conversations get heated, even when you don’t intend to. That has the net effect of turning it less into a discussion about how to make things better and more of a fight about who has the right to be angry. Or worse, it becomes an opportunity to air all the grievances that’ve been piling up.

The way you’re phrasing things to him, especially talking about how what he does can feel abusive, may well sound like you’re attacking him as a person. From his perspective, with not just his RSD but also his feelings of frustration and being unable to get a break, this may feel like just one more way that you don’t understand him or appreciate how hard he works and so on. That feeling of “I try so goddamn hard, why can’t anyone acknowledge that instead of telling me how I’m fucking up” can cause people to push back in part because they feel like the other person just doesn’t GET them. As such, they may reject solutions out of hand because they don’t believe the other person is correct; if their partner doesn’t understand, why should they try the solution their partner suggested.

And if he’s feeling like you’re acting more like a parent or supervisor than a spouse… well, that’s going to feel especially shitty, possibly even emasculating.

To add to that: one of the effects of ADHD, as I’m sure you’ve learned, is emotional dysregulation. Even setting RSD aside, folks with ADHD have a hard time controlling their emotions. In some ways, it’s almost like having two settings: slightly below normal and over-the-top, and the level of pressure it takes to flip the switch is variable at best. When you’re feeling especially attacked, pressured or otherwise treated unfairly, things tend to go off… messily and all over the place. And unfortunately, one of the side-effects of this is that it’s very easy to hear what they THINK you’re saying instead of what you’re ACTUALLY saying.

That’s why I think one of the things that may help is to look into couple’s therapy, especially with a counselor who’s familiar with ADHD in adults. Having someone facilitate the conversation may make it easier for you two to actually understand each other, instead of throwing up walls instinctively. It can also help to change the way you describe his behavior when you talk with him. Separating the symptoms from the man, especially when dealing with conflicts, can go a long way towards defusing things. It can also help to talk about just what triggers these outbursts; not with a mind towards preventing them, but simply to understand how he’s feeling and why he’s feeling that way. Not only will it help you understand his triggers, but for him, feeling like someone is actually listening to him and making an effort to understand is going to be huge.

At the same time, having a third party involved, especially someone who understands ADHD symptoms, can help him realize just how much the untreated symptoms are affecting his relationship with you and the kids. That outsider’s perspective could help him realize why his behavior has been so harmful and why it’s pushed you to the point of needing to make an ultimatum.

I would also talk with him about his experiences with treatment in the past. It may well be that the treatment he received didn’t help. He may never have gotten the right dosage, or the medication just didn’t work for him. And if that was the case, then it’s understandable why he might think that ADHD is just not a thing. Talking about his past experiences may help him change his stance and help him be willing to try different therapies, even if those didn’t work for him last time.

However, I would also caution you that all of this takes time. While medications like Vyvanse don’t have a ramp-up period the way SSRIs and MAOIs do, therapy and treatment is still a marathon, not a sprint. For a lot of folks, it’s not just about treating the symptoms of the disorder, it’s dealing with the emotions and coping mechanisms that get wrapped up in there with them. Just because the symptoms go away or ease up, that doesn’t mean that you’re suddenly operating at peak efficiency and all of your previous issues are gone. And if he’s taking the route of therapy and mindfulness meditation but not medication… well, that’s definitely going to take time. I can tell you from experience: mindfulness meditation is something you have to practice, and it takes time to not just make it a successful habit but to get results.

In the meantime, there’s an excellent article from HelpGuide that talks about managing relationships with ADHD. Reading through it with Buck may help open up avenues of conversation and help foster some productive changes. It can help the two of you have a better grasp of what the other is feeling and experiencing and — with luck — foster a little more peace and understanding so that Buck will be willing to get the help he needs.

I’m sorry that the two of you are going through this, but it is something that can be fixed. It will just take time, patience, love and clear, effective communication for both of you, as well as treatment for him.

Good luck


Hey Doc,

I currently browse through your articles a little bit and I find your advice very good, especially when I compare it to other self-help sites which I find even toxic. Now, I don’t even know if I am the type of person for this community (the so called nerds), but I will post this anyway so I can write things off.

A bit about me, I am an engineering student in his early 20s. I don’t want to say that I am struggling with dating, since I have never been on a date, but I want to get better at it. First, I can tell you that my self-worth was very low and that I was a bit awkward around people, but I changed it completely. In short, I decided that, you know, a lot of people are unsure of themselves and so they don’t even look at you. Furthermore, if they are trying to put you down, then you know that they are not even happy with themselves. I am now capable of making new friends, just by showing genuine interest. I can even tell you that, around men, I am very popular. Both at school and in the gym as well as in everyday life. They like to invite me and come to me, probably because they can be themselves and I don’t judge them and we laugh. It’s not that I only attract weirdos, but also other popular men.

Yet, still I don’t really know how I can attract women. I do talk to some of them, but I don’t know what to say that makes them attracted to me other than being friends. Furthermore, I find it difficult to develop the so called abundance mindset. I can tell you that at the engineering department there are just very few women. My hobbies are also typically things men do, like electronics. I am also very sportive, but again this is all with men. I am not active on Facebook or Instagram. I don’t know if this is better or worse, since I know some men who are attracting women by those platforms. To me it looks like everyone is texting each other constantly and if you don’t do that than you’re a loner when it comes to dating. I really don’t see how going after your purpose leads to attracting women naturally.

Now there is a woman I see at the gym who I find attractive, but as I said earlier I think I lack flirting skills. It’s not that I am not attractive enough, I worked on that as well. Coming from a low place of abundance I may act needy, which I can understand is not attractive. I don’t know how our conversation can lead to exchanging numbers.

My questions: “How can I talk to women, so that it doesn’t bore them out?” , “Do I need to get out more, to other places (after Coronavirus)?”, “Should I become active on social media too?”, “What else can be the problem?”

Kind regards,

Just Another Nerd

Can I be honest, JAN? You sound exhausted. It feels to me like you’ve been running around with a lot of these worries and feelings, and you’re kind of getting to a point where you’re not just worn out but feeling more than a little hopeless. I mean, you even say “I will post this anyway, so I can write things off.” 

And man, I can sympathize. I know exactly how tired you can get when it feels like you’re struggling to swim upstream while everybody else seems to have these sweet boats and jet-skis and shit. But here’s the thing: a lot of this seems to be because you’re struggling with a lot of internal ideas about what dating and attracting women is like, rather than the reality. And — again, I speak from experience — it’s hard to succeed when you’re mostly wrestling with ideas that you came up with, rather than actual people and experiences.

Here’s the thing: those skills that help you bond with guys and make new friends? Those are the exact same skills that help you meet women and start relationships. The way you connect with guys is, at the end of the day, really no different from how you connect with women; the only difference is the direction you take things.

I suspect part of the problem is that you’re looking at friendship as the fail-state of attraction, when nothing could be further from the truth. In fact, making friends with women — platonic friends, not putting yourself in The Friend Zone1 — is a huge bonus towards meeting women you would want to date. One of the things that most men never realize is how huge of a resource female friends can be when it comes to dating. A woman who likes you and thinks you’re cool but may not be into you romantically is far, far more likely to want to help you meet someone awesome. This could range from introducing you to her single friends, to inviting you to social events where you could meet other women to even being your wingwoman while you’re out and about. Plus, their presence in your life is like a testimonial: they’re letting other people know that you’re an awesome guy. If you weren’t, they wouldn’t want to hang around with you.

Making that shift in your headspace will go a long, long way towards helping you develop that abundance mindset. Once you realize that having awesome women in your life is good overall, you’ll become far less worried about each individual interaction. If you get a number or something comes of it, great! If they’re just interested in being friends, also great! And if ultimately nothing happens… well, that blows, but it’s just one person in a world filled with people who are just as awesome and hot, if not more so.

That having been said, that doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t work on connecting with women, flirting or trying to get dates. It’s just about learning not to treat it as an all-or-nothing issue. And part of is is going to come with changing your outlook on how you go from having a conversation to getting her number.

I realize that people think that flirting is this arcane skill that generates attraction, but ultimately all it is is just connecting with people. It’s a way of telling someone you’re into them and inviting them to explore things with you. Flirting, especially early on, as being about playing with uncertainty and interest. Think of someone who’s interested in going down a waterslide, but they’re not entirely sure, or they’re curious to check out a particular book or movie but they don’t know. The process of flirting is gently encouraging them to give it a try, being the facilitator of fun and playing with that sense of uncertainty so that it’s exciting, not scary. And there are a lot of ways of flirting, each as valid as the next. Part of learning to be successful with women comes down to finding out the ways that are most congruent with who you are. It may be silly, it may be banter-y, it may even come down to just being open and direct: telling someone “hey, I’m doing X thing on Y day and time and I’d love to take you” or “I’m really enjoying talking/hanging out with you; I’d love to take you out on a proper date.”

So yes, I think you definitely should go out and do more things (when it’s safe). Not only because it helps you be a more well-rounded person, but it helps you expand your social circle. Finding ways to enjoy the things you’re passionate about that bring you in contact with other people who also love it is a great way to make new friends. Plus, as a bonus, it can meet folks who may not be the woman of your dreams, but will help introduce you to her.

Now as for social media? Yeah, I think it’s helpful. These days, people who aren’t on social media are a rarity, and it can make some folks feel like maybe you’re a little suss. But just as importantly, it can be a way of celebrating and sharing the things that make you happy or the cool shit you’re doing with your life. At the very least, it can be a way of showing them what life with you is life and serve, in its own way, as an advertisement for you as a person. Plus, social media can be a great way to make new contacts, find new friends or even plan events that’ll help you bring awesome folks together and into your life.

Plus, being active on social media makes it easier for your friends who’re already more active on there to introduce you to folks or invite you to things.

You’re actually doing really well, JAN. You’ve made a lot of progress and you should be proud of yourself for that. And the progress that you’ve made with making friends and connecting with guys is also what’s going to help you meet women. It isn’t going to be nearly as hard or exhausting as you think; it just feels that way because you’re not used to it yet. Keep up the work, apply it towards just talking to women and connecting with them and I think you’re going to be amazed at how well things will go for you.

Good luck.

  1. Standard disclaimer: there is no such thing as The Friend Zone; there are just people who don’t want to fuck you or date you [↩]

Episode #156 — This is Why Dating Sucks for Men (And How To Fix It)

December 9, 2020 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Let’s be honest: dating can be a trial. For a lot of men, dating isn’t something you enjoy, it’s something you endure. From trying to meet women, to getting a number, to actually getting women out on a date… it’s more like pulling teeth than meeting a potential partner.

Today, I want to give you all some advice I wish I had gotten back when I first started dating. Because, if you’re checking out these episodes, then the odds are good that, frankly, you think dating… kinda sucks. And in fairness: you’re not entirely wrong. Dating for men can be kind of awful. But not for the reasons you might think.

In fact, the biggest reason why dating can suck is because of how much harder we men make it for OURSELVES and in the process, make ourselves miserable… even when we think we’re doing everything right.

So let’s look at 5 reasons why dating can SUCK for men… and what you can do about it.

SHOW HIGHLIGHTS:

  • Why men have a conflict mentality when it comes to dating
  • The secret to passing women’s “tests”
  • Why so much of what you believe about women, dating and sex is WRONG.
  • How guys get caught in a cycle of dating failure
  • Why you’re taking the wrong advice about how to meet women

…and so much more.

RELATED LINKS:

How To Meet Women, Effortlessly

What Men Need To Know About Attraction

The Truth About Casual Sex (And Where To Get It)

This Is Why Online Dating Sucks

The Fear of Being Invisible

The Love Gap

Faking It: The Lies Women Tell About Sex and the Truths They Reveal

What Do Women Want: Adventures in the Science of Female Sexual Desire

Simplified Dating

Listen Here
Download Here


Don’t forget to subscribe and review us on iTunes , Stitcher, Spotify and on YouTube.

Like the podcast? Become a Dr. NerdLove patron at Patreon.com/DrNerdLove

Want more dating advice? Check out my books at www.www.doctornerdlove.com/books

[Read more…]

How Do I Date (Safely) During COVID?

November 6, 2020 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Dear Dr. NerdLove: 

I was hoping to get your opinion on a concern of mine.

I am in my mid thirties and foolishly waited until mere months before a global pandemic to start getting serious about living life and as pertains to your specialty, looking for love.

I wasn’t especially concerned as things kicked off, but as the situation worsened, I grew more and more despondent about it all. One thing in particular that I wanted to talk to you about was that most people where I live are not taking this at all seriously.

While I have observed plenty of carelessness in the general population, I thought I would look at my fellow employees as an example.

I work in a small company, and don’t know the exact number of employees off the top of my head, so let’s say more than thirty or so. Of these, I can count the number who are social distancing and wearing masks in both their professional and personal lives on the fingers of one hand. Many outright brag about not wearing masks off the clock, talk about their vacations to, I shit you not, other states with extended family and friends, often pull their masks down off their noses or off entirely at work, say they will vote for whoever will stop this stupid mask nonsense, etc.

This obviously includes the potential dates I would be interested in, well, if they weren’t almost all already attached. Sucks to show up late to the party when everyone else already hooked up, but let’s not forget the Abundance Mentality that says there are more elsewhere, right?

Well, about that: I have decided for better or worse that not taking COVID-19 seriously is a dealbreaker for me. So, if these women are indicative of the general population, my available options have dwindled to basically single digits even in a crowd of more than a hundred people. What are the odds that any of these single digits also happen to mesh well with me otherwise and also happen to be single? How much abundance is there really? (A recent study or poll said that around 49% of Americans actually wear masks like they mean it…)

I guess what I want advice for here is: Am I wrong to expect anyone I want to date to care enough to wear a mask? Am I being overly critical? If so, how do I deal with essentially viewing everyone not taking COVID seriously in, shall we say, a rather bad light? Am I putting the cart in front of the horse here, since I have yet to actually get anyone to actually say yes to a date? Do you think I should consider dating someone who didn’t take COVID seriously in the future? Do you think I would have better luck moving elsewhere after all this is over? (I ask that because I was already planning to move to a larger city, but that kind of got put on hold…)

-No Longer Feeling the Abundance

[Read more…]

Episode #152 — This Is What Nobody Tells You About Having ADHD

October 7, 2020 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Growing up, I knew I was struggling with things that other people seemed to be able to do without a second thought. I thought I was just lazy, that I needed to be more disciplined and to take things more seriously. But it never worked, and I never understood why.

Now, after a lifetime of searching, I finally have the answers.

This week, I want to talk with you about my experiences with having been diagnosed with ADHD as an adult, how it can affect you and your relationships, and my experiences with getting diagnosed and getting treated.

Here’s what happened.

SHOW HIGHLIGHTS:

  • What people get wrong about ADHD
  • Why so many people don’t get diagnosed or treated when they need it
  • How having ADHD can affect your confidence and your relationships
  • Why people with ADHD have anxiety and depression
  • How getting treatment has changed my life

…and so much more.

RELATED LINKS: 

Overcome Your Fear of Rejection – https://www.doctornerdlove.com/overcome-your-fear-of-rejection/

Top 5 Dating Mistakes — https://www.doctornerdlove.com/top-5-dating-mistakes/

This is What Happened After I Tried Meditation for 30 Days — https://www.doctornerdlove.com/this-is-what-happened-after-30-days-of-meditation/

You Must Unlearn What You Have Learned — https://www.doctornerdlove.com/how-to-unlearn-what-you-have-learned/

When It’s Time To Ask For Help — https://www.doctornerdlove.com/when-its-time-to-ask-for-help/

ADHD In Adults — https://www.additudemag.com/adhd-in-adults/

Listen Here
Download Here


Don’t forget to subscribe and review us on iTunes , Stitcher, Spotify and on YouTube.

Like the podcast? Become a Dr. NerdLove patron at Patreon.com/DrNerdLove

Want more dating advice? Check out my books at www.www.doctornerdlove.com/books

[Read more…]

Next Page »

About Dr. NerdLove:

Harris O'Malley (AKA Dr. NerdLove) is an internationally recognized blogger and dating coach who gives dating advice to geeks of all stripes. Making nerds sexier since 20011

Remember: Dr. NerdLove is not really a doctor. [Read More …]

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Recent Comments

  • Giant Stone Head You make a good point there. I think my tendency is more to blame myself if something goes wrong, and to assume I did something wrong. From what you and the Doc are saying, it's best to just take it...

    I’m Great At Getting Dates, So Why Can’t I Find A Relationship? ·  January 21, 2021

  • Giant Stone Head Thanks Dan! I appreciate the feedback. I just think it's discouraging to get a lot of first dates, and not a lot of seconds. I've tweaked things over time to make first dates more casual, something...

    I’m Great At Getting Dates, So Why Can’t I Find A Relationship? ·  January 21, 2021

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    I’m Great At Getting Dates, So Why Can’t I Find A Relationship? ·  January 21, 2021

  • Giant Stone Head ...well setting up Disqus was a bit of an ordeal, but here I am! I'm Lonely in Ohio, to be clear. Anyway, thanks for the response, Doc. I found it useful, although I'm still mulling over what you...

    I’m Great At Getting Dates, So Why Can’t I Find A Relationship? ·  January 21, 2021

  • Belinda "While it’s certainly possible that she has only hazy recollections of that night, it’s more likely that she realizes she may have given you the wrong idea and is trying to shut down the entire...

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