mental health Archives - Page 2 of 7

My Anxiety Ruined Our Relationship. How Do I Get My Girlfriend Back?

January 6, 2020 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hi Dr. NerdLove,

Long time reader and love your content.

Background of how I met a girl (J, 25) about 6 months ago in class. She is a 10/10. I looked her up on Instagram and saw she had 5,000 followers and posts very spicy pictures, I was a big fan. We started hanging out and getting drinks over the course of a few months and got a long really well. This last summer we were hanging out again and when I dropped her off at her car she kissed me out of nowhere. My dumb ass thought she was just being friendly and never asked about it. A month or so later and I start to wonder so I finally asked her why she did that. Her response was she’s obviously attracted to me and has been trying not to do it again since we are taking another class together. I was stoked. We tried to not hook up so we could focus on the class but that didn’t last.

We started dating these last 2 months and it’s been awesome. We’re both on the same page as far as what we want in dating, to have fun with no drama or questions about where things were at. We both understood that we’re graduating this year and going onto our respective masters programs that will likely be elsewhere in the country. So the relationship wasn’t serious as it had no real future.

We got back from the coast 2 weeks ago after spending a couple days there. She left to go see her family in another city and I was ready for some alone time just to enjoy being lazy for Christmas break. Well we ended up having our internet shut off cause our roommate randomly moved out and it was in his name. So no video games for me. All my friends were out of town, so I had no one to hang out with. I went on hikes by myself and worked out but you can only do that for so long. So I got really bored over those few days. During the course of this I started texting her more and sort of relying on her to entertain me. Mind you I wasn’t texting excessively, it was 1 to 2 texts a day, but I planned on not texting much during this time to let the anticipation of seeing each other build back up.

I noticed that she was taking longer (up to 24 hours) to respond than she normally did and this started to make me think things weren’t going well. That’s been my experience in the past and I became really anxious. I began to think this was a hallmark sign that things were going to end soon. I ruminated on it for a few days and eventually convinced myself that my negative thoughts were true and that I needed to act.

The day I knew she was coming back, I sent her a text that morning asking if she wanted to go on a date in a few days. I heard no response. I called her that night before she was going to work and had no answer. This confirmed it to me that she was ignoring me and I was clear to ask what was going on. However, instead of just sending a simple text saying, “Hey, you seem kinda distant lately. Is everything cool?” I sent this ungodly long text about how I noticed she was becoming distant and in my experience this meant things were going to end soon but since we had been friends I wanted to continue to be friends. I said I understood that things weren’t serious and we were moving away this summer and so on.

Her response completely killed me. Her text was long as well, but basically, J said this was the kind of talk she didn’t want to have and she had been creating a little distance but thought I was awesome and had no intention of not dating. She liked that we didn’t ask questions or need clarity on where we were at. She explained that it took her longer to get back into town than normal and had been busy with family. I felt extremely stupid and embarrassed for how anxious I felt in the days leading up to my text. I was totally wrong. I apologized and tried to explain why I did it, that it was born out of anxiety and bad previous experiences but has never resulted in me sending a text like I did. She wasn’t too receptive and was pretty focused on how I questioned what we had. We talked on the phone the next day and I explained everything again in much better detail and had her considering a second shot, saying she was 50/50. But J also said she gets weird after she’s had arguments with past boyfriends, but didn’t really elaborate on it. She thought about it and texted me later that day saying she didn’t think it was going to work. J told me that it wasn’t so much what I did, but more her, and we should just be friends. My only response was “ok.”

I feel like such an idiot for what I did. I’ve always had anxiety (it’s human nature), but it’s never gotten to the point where it ruined something that was really good. I totally let it consume me and dictate my behavior. With it being the holidays and no one in town, no internet, and nothing to do, I couldn’t use my normal distractions to help quell the anxiety. I understand that this is something I really need to work on otherwise it will ruin things for me in the future. But I also want to try and make things better with J and hopefully date her again. I’m not going to talk to her for awhile to give her time as well as myself so I can get a better handle on my anxiety. But I do intend to hit her up in the future and see if I can get things going. I do want to be her friend and I’m not going to launch into trying to win her over again, but I think it’s worth it to try. So this is where I need your sweet PhD level of love knowledge for guidance. What is the best way to approach this? And how do you deal with anxiety in a new dating relationship?

The Anxious Dunce

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Ask Dr. NerdLove: How Do I Stop Feeling Like Such A Loser?

December 9, 2019 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Good evening Doc,

Well this seems like my yearly fuck dating thing I do all the time. It seems that I’m not up to cut to date anyone ever. I’ve been working out for few years lost 70lbs and still feel like crap most of the time. Dating at this moment is a constant reminder of past, present and future failures in trying to even find a women that is even 2% interested in me or anything that I have to say. To me it seems that women are immediately repulsed by me; none have ever said that but it’s the feeling I get.

I workout 4-6 days a week, have a good paying job, friends that I don’t hate, two motorcycles, go to EDM concerts and travel quite a bit, hobbies include trying to learn to draw and DJ.

So at this point it either has to be location or me. I’ve tried OKCupid, I never get any responses I always ask something about a picture they have or a joke or something. Tinder I lasted about 36 hours before I deleted that. Tinder added to the fact that my face must be severely fucked. I’ve reading Models, No More Mr. Nice Guy, Mate, Definitive Book on Body Language. Takeaway from those is once again keep working on yourself and it will happen. Keep and eye open but don’t look too hard. Right….

My two roommates must be vagina whispers, they have so many girls every week coming in and out of the house it’s insane. They don’t leave the fucking house they barely clean, I’m pretty sure if these guys lived on their own, their house would be a disaster. I started going to therapy a year ago to hopefully figure out what to do but at this point. Turns out I have ADHD and depression. My mood is better but that’s about it

I was listening to an art of manliness podcast, they had Duana Welch on she was talking about how to be more attractive to women. I gathered from that talk was that men who don’t want to provide or protect are not much use as a man. But men don’t like women that are unattractive.

I believe people should hold there own and only need minimal help from the other person, so I’m screwed. So since I don’t care to provide and protect for women, some other guy will and I’m useless as a man. If this is 50/50, are we not equals? They were talking about making a list of dating requirements, like loyalty and femininity and whatnot.

Just flashing back to the women in my life growing up were all breadwinners, they ran there own businesses all worked in some caliber. From what I’m reading those women are going against the norm and are also screwed to be alone forever as well.

I’m 31 now, and I wasn’t always this lonely or down about being by myself. But around 25 or 26, even though I was doing all the things I was supposed to in order to enjoy life, I just wasn’t meeting women. And as that started building on itself, it just became the biggest failure in my life, and what I started worrying about constantly.

I’ve talked with my therapist about trying to get in a good feedback loop by just doing just little things but those don’t help still feel useless and worthless. Then that spills over into any type of relationship I would have had with anyone.

At this point I’m more frustrated and angry more than anything. Feels as though I should give up. At 30 not that I’ve lived that long or anything, everyone says once you hit 30 you won’t care and then it will happen.

Any advice ?

Sincerely,

Frustrated Nerdy Black Guy

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Ask Dr. NerdLove: Was This Sexual Abuse?

November 15, 2019 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Doctor’s Note: Today’s column includes discussion of sexual and emotional abuse.

Dear Doctor NerdLove,

I‘m a 30-year old university student from Germany and I’ve found your column quite helpful. Recently it made me think about a few experiences I made back as a young adult. This has been nagging at me for a while now and I would like to have an opinion. Just a few information straight away: I had three therapists since 2006, my last 2015 and I had a lot to work through since my childhood. I talked a lot with my therapists, but this topic was always kind of glossed over, because until recently, I had a different perspective on it. I apologise for the length of the letter.

Okay, let‘s get things started. When I was fifteen, I meet somebody on a video game message board. Let‘s call her S. I had no social skills, giant mommy issues (our mother was an violent alcoholic and very abusive towards my siblings and me) and abandonment issues. Me and S got in contact through an online TTRPG to Vampire the Masquerade. That was at the end of 2004. Another sidenote: S was an Asian-German, which is gonna be important for later.

S was twenty-five years old and she had a bad life story too (sexual abuse and she was diagnosed with a borderline disorder). We talked until three in the morning and I was tired, but excited at the same time, too. Finally I found somebody, that understood me, I thought. And she was very good at complimenting me, said I was intelligent and good looking. It helped, because I thought of myself as ugly. It also helped, because girls picked on me in school, one of them got even downright physically abusive. S was also good at pointing out big flaws in me. She was also funny and witty and wise, because she had worked through the stuff she had lived too. At least that‘s what she told me.

I tried to better myself, because I didn’t want to lose her and it did make me more sensitive for other peoples feelings and I started to be more accepting of people of other sexualities; she claimed to be lesbian, but sometimes also seem to be into guys too. Last time I checked, she identified as pan. I think at the beginning, she may had the best intents for me.

But from 2005-2006 the talking became more sexual, even if I didn’t recognize it at first. She made comments like that she would‘ve totally hit on me, if she hadn‘t been together with her then girlfriend. I felt kinda good with that, after getting turned down by a girl I liked. S also knew how I looked, because we had swapped pictures back and forth.

Then one evening, she was very pissed, because I didn’t recognize that she was making sexual (virtual) advances at me and really seemed to be turned on. I was astonished, because I didn’t think of her in that way, even though she was very attractive in her pictures. But aside from one sexual fantasy here and there, I would have never considered it. We had a long talk about the situation and I got curious and started writing a bit bolder and then it happened. We had cybersex. I was seventeen at that time.

The “sex” continued until 2009. If I should describe it today, it would be considered rough sex maybe, with light bondage and submissive fantasies by her, followed by written kisses and cuddle sessions (virtual of course). I guess some of it might have had a hint of rape fantasies — where she would write that she was just ‘laying still’ — but I wouldn’t have known the difference back then, because I never had a relationship before that. I just wanted her to come and make her feel good. She did say that she had rape fantasies, even through she was traumatized by abuse. At one point she suggested, that we might role play something like this, to test if I would respond to stuff like that. At the time I was afraid of turning into a rapist; I’d read too much of the wrong literature and like I said, I was very repressed and thought the worst of myself.

At first the whole sexting felt fine at first, I think, also, because S was good at writing her reponses in a very enthralling way. But over the years the descriptions of sex got darker, the more her mental health turned worse. I didn’t feel like writing some of the stuff she wanted, because I found it icky and disturbing, but I complied, because I didn’t want her to be mad at me. One evening it got especially bad, because after a very graphic session, she seemed to fall in a frenzy and let me wait for ten minutes, until she told me that she hurt herself. Those minutes where I didn’t know what happened to her, are part of the worst moments in my life. S apologized the next day and I said it was okay, but I couldn’t bring myself to masturbate for at least a month.

There were also some seducing scenarios, where I seduced her through writing, but backed off, when she said, that she really wasn’t in the mood. Knowing what I know now, I’m not surewhere the consent started and ended, because we never talked about that. We never had any discussions about what the rules to that stuff were.

She said, that this writing was some kind of game for her and I understood that at first, at least I thought. But to be honest, I was stupid, insecure and I would have done everything for her, so she stayed around. We also had the talk about what had happened at the first cybersex-session after the fourth one, where she was more concerned, that I could think of her as a slut (her words, not mine). I I didn’t; she was my best friend and I loved her, as much as you can love somebody virtual. So we continued, while she was still together with her girlfriend, with whom she had an open relationship, but only with women, so I guess we were cheating, but we were also not friends with benefits? It was confusing.

It got even more confusing, when S’ mental health got worse. The boundaries got murkier and the game seemed to turn into something more serious. At one point, she wrote, that she loved me, even when we were just “friends.” She also said that she never sexted before, but I learned later that there were three other people — that I know of — that she was sexting with. Granted, it started after us, because those people joined the message board later, but still. S also became very angry at one woman for not reciprocating her sexual advances. In S’ mind, that woman turned from another good friend she liked to praise, to a real bitch in one day. I only know that the other woman turned S down, because I talked with her about her conversation with S. In hindsight it reminded me of my own first session with S, except that the other woman said no.

S got colder towards me as her illness got worse and I clingier. I needed her approval, but she couldn’t give it to me. I think at one point, I really fell in love with her, and so did two of the three other persons she was sexting with. We even had a little chatroom, where everyone hang out and I felt like an outcast, because she wasn’t spending her energy on me anymore. I wasn’t her only and not her favorite lover and that broke my heart, but also gave me the strength to break away from her. That was in 2009.

Since then I haven’t contacted her, except a little letter I wrote her 2015, when I was in a very bad place and contemplating. The letter was mostly about how I missed her and that I still thought of her, which was true. I also felt, that it was all my fault, because I left, when S needed me the most.

But now, after some time to think and learning more about sex, I don’t know anymore what to think. She was very ill, I believe that. And maybe she did like me and we leeched on each other for a while. But the older I get, the more it feels wrong, especially after reading so much more about consent. It wasn’t real sex, but it felt real enough for me and I still have a hard time falling in love or trusting another woman in a romantic way.

It‘s hard for me to imagine a romantic scenario, when I masturbate. It has to be about “just sex without feelings” and in those scenarios, it’s not me that participates, but a surrogate alter ego, that is as far away from me, as possible. The hardest I orgasm is when I imagine the sex with S, but after that I feel depressed and sad. My last relationship was with another Asian woman. This was also strictly online, including sexting. It wasn’t satisfying for me, but the important point is, that she was also into rough stuff. We broke up after she became emotionally manipulative and I was getting depressed. I think at least some of it was because this relationship reminded me of mine with S, only that I was the clingy one. It also made me think of the better sex I’d been having with S.

Now I‘m asking myself, if this can count as sexual abuse. The age of consent in Germany is at 16 (at least it was back then), so she wasn’t doing anything illegal, but now I just feel used. I know that she could be very manipulative, and I remember that I was very vulnerable, even when she let me do the first move. I often feel distrustful, I now talk with other women on OKCupid and other dating apps, and I always thought it was because of my mother and the girls that picked on me. But in this light, I don’t know what to think about S. We did only write to each other and I have never heard her voice. The pictures she showed me were from the same person, but that could’ve been of somebody she once knew.

She was my friend and I loved her and I missed her, but this doesn’t feel right anymore. And I also get quite anxious when I think were my responsibilities began. I mean, I was younger than her, but I also started some of the encounters and I respected her saying no, but she was very ill and nymphomania was part of her borderline disorder. I feel, that I just have said no and discourage the whole sex-thing and that may have worsened her condition, even if I didn’t know. When it got too weird, I should have said no. It does feel like it was all my fault.

Best wishes

Wants to be at Peace

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Ask Dr. NerdLove: My Life Is Great. So Why Am I Miserable?

October 21, 2019 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Dear Dr. NerdLove,

I am at a point in my life that I know something is not right with me. The problem is I can NOT nail down what the underlying issue is. My guess is that I am going through a mid-life crisis; I am NOT really sure if it’s a mid-life crisis or not; but if I have to guess, I would say that. But the one thing I am sure about is that I feel mehhh / blah regularly. Other times, I feel like I am going each day robotically. What drives me crazy is that I don’t know the exact issue to combat this. These feelings or mental state I am in happens regularly when I am alone. And it doesn’t help that I think a lot as well.

I did a lot of research online but information from the internet regarding mid-life crisis wasn’t that much helpful and doesn’t provide information on how to manage / deal with it. I am hoping you can provide some guidance or know of organizations who I can reach out to for help on what I am feeling. I am sure I am not the only one feeling this way.

If it matters, I am in my early forties, have a good stable job, and have the basic necessity. I am normally a positive happy person but this state I have been in continues for over two years already. Some days it’s hard to get through than others. I am single and have friends / family but none seems to be going through what I am going through and they are busy with their life that I don’t want to take time away.

I am into self – help and any insight / help you can provide is greatly appreciated. I just want to be happy again and it’s hard when I can’t pinpoint what exactly is going on with me. I will be happy knowing what is going on with me; then at least I will work toward resolving it.

Wanting to be happy again,

Jack’s Sense of Ennui

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Ask Dr. NerdLove: How Do I Get Over My Fear of Being Hurt Again?

June 7, 2019 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hi Doc,

I started reading your column a couple years ago and it helped me through some issues in my first real relationship, but things have changed beyond what I can process solo. Asking for help is something I have trouble with, but I’m at my wit’s end. Maybe I’m missing something, maybe I just need a jolt to get me moving again, but I could really use a second opinion.

The backstory: a year and a half ago, my life was on track—my courses were going well, I had three straight appearances on the Dean’s list, and (after managing some minor depression while simultaneously working two jobs and taking three upper level summer courses) I found myself in the first serious (actually, first, period) relationship of my life. I was busy, but happy. I had enough credits to graduate, but needed another year to do my student teaching.

A little over a year ago, my life started to unravel. During my student teaching, I worked harder, and more, than I ever had before in my life. Paperwork, planning, creating materials, teaching, grading — they consumed me. I had had to leave my other jobs to make time, and I was living off my savings (paying for rent, utilities, groceries) while working 80+ hours a week for no pay. My marginal social life vanished, my sleep schedule became increasingly disturbed, and my panic attacks, which I had conquered six years earlier, returned in force. Somehow, I kept my long distance relationship intact.

Eventually, it became too much. Sleeping maybe four hours a night, on an even tighter budget because of dental work on a broken tooth, and with my panic attacks coming four or more times a day, I withdrew from the program. I was convinced that if I didn’t quit, the job was going to do permanent damage to my health.

As a result, my GPA was heavily dented (diminishing my chances at grad school), and I was left with an almost unusable degree in history. Cue six months of job searching, of trying desperately to convince employers that I was worth their time, that a history degree was incredibly versatile, that I was readily adaptable to any number of fields. Rejection after rejection piled up. I became depressed, but kept trying. My family applied pressure, disappointed that I hadn’t been strong enough to follow through and become a teacher.

Then, my girlfriend broke up with me, effectively saying that the whole time she’d felt she was working down a “relationship checklist.” She’d basically never really felt all that much for me. She stayed with me because of her own insecurity. We’d been together a year.

Two days later, I had to put my dog to sleep. My best friend was dying of cancer, and I couldn’t watch him suffer anymore. This, combined with the breakup, with the shame of failure, the sense of years wasted—this broke me.

Today, I’m 24 years old. I work in a presumably dead-end job in a grocery store, bachelor’s degree seemingly irrelevant, and live in a tiny studio apartment crammed next to the workshops on the family farm, because it’s the only place I can afford. At work, I am surrounded by people, but there, as in every part of my life, I am alone. Isolated, insignificant, all the potential I used to feel drowned in the bath. My breakup left me with staggering trust issues, a paranoid fear of ever being vulnerable again, and a jealous not-quite-hate of everyone who has real, genuine love in their lives. My depression has seemingly sunk into my bones.

I’ve tried online dating, but conversations peter out, everyone ghosting on me within a message or two, no matter how polite, interested, etc. I am. The last two times I tried to ask someone out in person, a panic attack hit, stopping me from getting the words out. My work schedule doesn’t align with any of my few remaining friends, preventing me from seeing them much more than once every couple of months, and that number is about to get smaller, as my best friend is about to leave to take a lucrative job on the other side of the country. I doubt I’ll get to see her again.

My psychiatrist is changing my meds, so that will help with the depression, but it won’t change any of the underlying issues. I’m trying to be proactive, trying to be more social, but the social anxiety is just getting stronger, and even though I’m happy for my friend, glad she has this amazing opportunity, I can’t shake a sense of betrayal at her leaving. Our relationship has always been completely platonic, totally safe, and she was the one person I had left I could always be totally honest with, and know that she would be the same- honest, that is.

My work leaves little time for my art, which is the one thing that still brings me any lasting happiness. One day working at my craft is generally enough to keep me going for a day or so, but those free days are few and far between. And much as I wish I didn’t, I still want to connect to people, even just one person. Maybe especially one person. It’s so much easier to be myself, to be comfortable with myself, if I know that someone other than me likes me. Even just one other person.

But looking at my life right now, I can’t see why anyone else would want to be part of it.

Anyway, there are a bunch of issues all tangled up in those last few paragraphs, and I would really, really appreciate it if you could offer advice on even one of them.

Please, thank you, and please,

Barely Holding On

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