Hey Dr. NerdLove,
I keep getting to the same problem very quickly with every guy. As I fear it is kind of a circle I’m not sure where to begin.
I do not feel like I need much sex (but probably I’m mistaken, you’ll see later on). Penetration is “bearable” at the best times, but most times hurts like hell. I can enjoy lots of other sex related things a lot sometimes (but rarely and usually in special situations like first time with a guy or after a fight or other situations that add a “thrill” of some kind) but usually I hardly ever feel like I want it.
I usually am under the impression, that any guy I’m going out with wants more sex than me. So when we’re just lying in bed cuddling and kissing, I can feel myself stiffening, asking myself if he “again” wants to have sex (or something similar) and fearing that my body might not react like I want/should. First, probably my not enjoying sex is just because of these thoughts. Who could enjoy anything he/she fears he/she might hate before it begins? (But maybe there is a medical issue, I don’t know.) Second, it makes me incapable of enjoying cuddling and kissing with a guy I also have sex with, as I always fear it would go on and sometimes even do things like give him a blow-job just to get it done without really wanting to.
Plus, it usually ends up in causing emotional problems between me and the guy, me feeling bad because I’m keeping something from him he wants/needs and at the same time being angry at him for asking, him feeling bad because he feels like he’s asking something from me I can’t or don’t want to give and probably also being angry for me being so prude.
The most difficult situation was with one boyfriend who tried again and again, more often and more obnoxious the more I said no (as he felt it was sooo long ago we had sex and I really could accept this one time) but still feeling so horrible about it he’d had given up his sexual desire at all if he could to solve the dilemma. I for my part felt bad for him suffering but ended up hating to be touched by him.
So in general: What if one partner in a relationship doesn’t want sex or way less than the other partner?
Personally: Where can I find the point to break this circle? Whatever I try makes me overthink it more and start to fear my own rejection as soon as I’m getting touched, making me irritable at myself and the guy that “can’t leave me alone”.
Confused, Annoyed and Nervous