(Side note: why yes, I have been waiting for a chance to use that title…)
Hi Doctor NerdLove,
Let me start by thanking you for all of the advice that you offer on your site: it works. I had improved my behavior from an orbiting creep to someone with confidence and charm. And after reading your articles about building chemistry, I even got a few dates, but it turns out people who are worth dating never make things simple.
I met this girl, I’ll call her Alice, a little while ago and we have only gone on two dates and yet we have been sending some pretty sexual texts to each other. In fact, she feels a little guilty about them and told me not to think of her as a slut. Of course I don’t, and I told her so. I also mentioned that I thought any person can be sexually active with multiple people as long as s/he tells their potential partners first.
This predictably evoked the “well…thing of it is…” response where it turns out, yes Alice is having sex with other people. I told her that it didn’t bother me because I think it doesn’t.
I can’t fault Alice for having sex with multiple people (I’m avoiding the term polygamous because that implies we’re in a relationship and I know we’re not there yet) because I know I would if I could. I also remember from your article about being monogamish that I have to accept the fact that Alice likes variety if I’m going to keep dating her. It would be unreasonable for me to ask her to drop how ever many partners she’s having now because she’s probably more invested in them emotionally since we only just met.
My problem is I know these things but I don’t feel them and I can’t accept them: I always think that I have to compete with Alice’s other partner(s?) and it makes me feel inadequate. How do you process the news that a girl you’re dating is seeing other people and yet feel ok with it?
-Being Slightly Dishonest