First off, I’m a big fan – I’ve been following your website and YouTube channel for over a year now, and I’ve also read your book New Game+. I work as a psychologist, and I would say that a lot of your advice is very sound and follows the same principles I’ll use when working with clients. My question is around desiring women who you might not be compatible with.
Long story short, I think I’m a fairly desirable person; I’m fairly good looking (24 years old), I’m completing a PhD, I’ve competed in outdoor sports for over 10 years, I play an instrument, I’ve travelled and lived in several countries (on the flipside, nowadays I spend most of my days working late amongst grey-haired academics!). I KNOW how to talk to people and make a connection, and I know the importance of practising positivity in your daily outlook on life. Two years ago I broke up with my girlfriend (who was almost 10 years older than me, held a PhD) – I thought I wanted to marry her, but for several reasons I decided I wasn’t happy being with her. Since then, I found out she’s moved on, and I’ve accordingly developed a bad case of Oneitis, wishing I’d never broken up with her!
When the relationship ended I was determined to ‘play the field’ (I had a conservative upbringing and didn’t indulge in hedonic desires… until I came to my senses in my 20’s!). I’ve always had fantasies of being with a stream of fit, attractive, young women who I’m surrounded by at university everyday. However, my success in this venture has been zero – in fact, I’ve had sex once in 2 years, with someone who I was not even that attracted to as a person.
I’m stuck. I feel as though every time I make an attempt at speaking or flirting with these young, attractive women in their 20’s, they’re either A) uninterested, or B) think I’m weird as fuck (I suppose I am a little bit ‘quirky’; I’m like the living incarnation of Dr Frasier Crane or Ross Geller). The flipside of this is that I often find THEM utterly boring or juvenile (but hot nonetheless!). Recently, I met a woman who is in her late 30’s who is actually very interesting and I get on with well… (an academic, moderately attractive), but I feel as though if I started dating her, I will be ‘disappointing myself’ by ‘giving up’ and not managing to sleep with the young women I ‘should be sleeping with’.
Here comes a longer stream of irrational beliefs: I feel like I haven’t had the dating life I’ve wanted my entire life. I don’t feel like any of my girlfriends or one-night stands were super attractive – I frequently lust after the gorgeous girls I see around me, but even the ‘thought’ of having sex with them seems impossible. I have never been able to ‘sow my wild oats’; I hear stories of ‘everyone’ around me who has slept with 10+ women, or people who are just ‘sleeping around’ as if it’s no big deal – and this causes me a great deal of anxiety and uncertainty in myself.
I have become obsessed with this feeling of ‘inadequacy’; like I’m somehow not good enough, or I’m missing out on all the sex that all the other good-looking people are having. I’d like to be able to look back upon my younger days and say “I slept with 10 girls, and I had the ability within me to have casual sex with beautiful women”.
I suppose I feel a bit like a failure at sex and dating, but I’m also conscious that I may be going for the ‘wrong types’ of girls? Perhaps Dr Frasier Crane shouldn’t be going for fit young 20 year olds, but should be going for the well-travelled 30 year old academics? Maybe this is a case of identity crises – a person who is caught between wanting to be a ‘young athletic man’ and a ‘grey haired academic’?
Any advice (or assistance with irrational thinking!) is greatly appreciated!