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How Do I Know I Won’t Be Forever Alone?

November 5, 2021 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hi Dr. NerdLove. I appreciate your sane advice for dating, especially in this age. Unfortunately I have recently got into a bit of a rut as I am trying to improve my non-existent dating life. Forgive me for my bad grammar as English is not my first language.

The best way for me to explain my problem is that I know that I have to improve.  I have broken out of the victim mentality and I am ready to take actionable steps towards achieving my goals, but I seem to be getting nowhere and I am losing hope. I am starting to think that despite my best, I am just not lovable and can’t do something that everyone else seems to do naturally.

I don’t know what to do and I don’t have a stable philosophy or mindset to adhere to towards dating. Everyone seems to have their own agenda and everything seems to devolve into something about misogyny or sexism. I get even more worried as I worry that I’ll put all this effort into improving myself — for nothing — and end up just as single as before. I don’t want to be forever alone but as I am aware, I’m not really doing anything wrong. I don’t have a severe lack of confidence, I’m not shy, I’m not entitled, I don’t expect to get laid by collecting friend tokens and I don’t try manipulating women into liking me.

My situation is a bit weird. You might get this type of mail from people in their mid to late 20s but I can’t take the anxiety anymore. I’m extremely worried that I will never get a girlfriend. I’m 18 already and I haven’t even had my first kiss. I ruminate about this all the time. I used to like myself. I used to love my personality and I thought I was a cool person to be around. I used to not hate my appearance. I used to love myself and enjoy every single day. Then it all changed. My friends started getting girlfriends. It happened slowly. But then before I knew it, my closest friends had girlfriends. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, what am I doing wrong? Am I not good enough? Am I not saying the right things? Am I not flirty enough? How do you flirt? No one told me about how to do these things.

I don’t want to be left out. I don’t want to be a 40 year old virgin but i’m afraid that’s where its going to go. I don’t even know how to talk to girls anymore as I’m constantly worried about being too needy or being too avoidant or being too flirty or not flirty enough, and then what actually ends up happening is that my anxiety results in the lack of a spark and it all fades away. I am aware that I come off as really angsty but that is kinda true right now — I am terrified and depressed about this. I have read so many reddit posts on the ForeverAlone subreddit about people who are 19,20,21,25,30 even 50 talking about how they have never found love or lost their v — which terrifies me to my core.

I grew up thinking I was quite ugly but as a kid I didn’t care. Until very recently, after I learned to shave, participate in hygiene, get haircuts as well as losing almost 11kg and being in the best shape of my life, I thought I was quite ugly. I know that I’m pretty ok looking, and I like how I look — people tell me that I look at least 25, in a good way. However, this has still not really translated into confidence for me with women. I have talked to some on snapchat and I asked out this one girl that I had a crush on. I didn’t make any of the really obvious mistakes — only being a friend and seeking validation from her etc., and I do know how to hold a conversation — I have a decent number of close friends and some female friends too so I don’t really have anxiety when talking to girls, but none of that has ended up working out. The girl that I had a crush on gave me her number and seemed interested in the beginning, and we did hit it off but later on, as I tried to be more “flirty” or whatever, she indirectly referred to me as a friend, after which I told her I liked her and she rejected me.

A mutual friend told me that it wasn’t because of my looks, which was what I had assumed, but rather since she wanted to focus on her work and didn’t have time for a relationship but I can’t help assuming that it’s because of me. There have been girls interested in me in the past and I have been approached by them before but my confidence was so bad that I thought they were making fun of me by asking for my number and flirting with me. What worries me more is how fucking difficult getting good advice for this type of situation is. Trying to find good dating advice on the internet is almost impossible as its either just platitudes that don’t really work in the real world and just serve to make dating or trying to get better at it more annoying. “Just be yourself” — I was being myself. “Just be confident” Confidence is an extremely vague trait, “You’ll find someone someday” — No I won’t, not everyone finds love and those who do put in the time and effort to do so. “Love finds you when you least expect it” No it doesn’t, you need to actively look for it to find people. Being desperate wont obviously help but you must seek it to find it.

I’ve gone through almost all of the major philosophies of dating at some point, “Pick Up artistry”, which is at best cringe and at worst manipulative, “The Red Pill” which is something I thought was true for a very long time until I started thinking about how miserable it made me and “The blackpill” which depressed me so much I wanted to kill myself. I have tried reading up on advice that isn’t completely fucking mental and have arrived at your advice and the work of Nick Notas, however I am a bit worried that Nick Notas might just be another red pill misogynist. My friends who have some luck tell me some things to help, such as some truths about dating — the vast majority of people aren’t compatible, there is no perfect girl etc. but they mostly go into platitudes about love finding you or some bullshit.

The constant “no do this, no no no , do THIS instead” is driving me mental. I am aware that you shouldn’t just be yourself, but I feel like the way that I’m doing this feels so unnatural. I have so much information I don’t even know how to act anymore. I am overthinking everything. I am somewhat self aware so I know that I am generally doing something wrong towards this. I am aware that loving myself is an important part of this, and I know that self improvement to get me out of this depression is vital. I am planning to go the gym with my friends to try to bulk up in time for university and I know that approaching and talking to girls without caring about the outcome too much is vital for getting over the fear of rejection and learning what does and doesn’t work but I am dealing with a lot of learned helplessness right now. I have made a lot of progress, as I don’t fear rejection at all and can talk to girls but all I’ve really done is realise how much I don’t know — I don’t know how to flirt and I don’t know how to create attraction or whatever.

I have found that there are 5 types of flirting and most dating advice is catered towards the extroverted ones but since I am an introvert at heart, only the sincere and polite approaches work for me but I feel as if me being natural isn’t flirty enough or doesn’t create enough attraction. I feel as if my time is running out and if I don’t do something right now I’ll end up as some depressed virgin living in his parents house, forever alone. I am aware that a lot of this might have to do with my low self esteem, as I don’t really believe that I am worthy of love right now — All I see are my flaws and I feel like I have to change everything about myself for someone to like me. I have been watching a lot of this youtuber Hamza and I find that he has much in common with me and has gone through the same things that I have gone through and what he prescribes is something that is very close to the red pill but has a far stronger emphasis on self improvement and understanding that men can’t be loved conditionally and must put in the work to gain rewards but something about that just doesn’t sound right to me. Forgive me for my very disorganised rant, I have ADHD and find it hard to do these sorts of things in some sort of coherent order.

The best thing that I have to explain my frustration and confusion is this video

https://youtu.be/be_Ms3nVG10

which, in my opinion, is a pretty good look into some of the modern frustrations of dating. I’m just worried that I am doing this whole thing very wrong and don’t even know it. I wanna fall in love the natural way, I want to feel like I’m being genuine in doing so and not having to worry about being attractive over text or having a masculine frame or whatever the fuck and i’m just extremely confused and overwhelmed by this whole situation. Everyone else just seems to get into it naturally and I’m here struggling. After realising that I might not be a helpless case and taking the plunge into improving on this, I seem to have hit a wall and can’t get past it, and am losing hope as every single piece of advice that I find fails to help me out. Would appreciate some help or outsider perspective and maybe some reassurance.

Sincerely,

Anxious Worried Teen

[Read more…]

Ask Dr. NerdLove: How Do I Tell My Partner I’m Actually A Virgin?

March 5, 2021 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Dear Dr. NerdLove,

I’m a 24 year old woman. My boyfriend and I have been together for over a month, and he’s the first guy I really fell in love with. Everything seems to be fine except for one thing: I’m afraid to tell him I’m a virgin. We have already done some foreplay but we haven’t had the opportunity to be alone and go further yet, and even if I want to have sex with him, a part of me is happy to postpone the “speech” out of fear of his reaction.

I trust him, but the more I think about it the more I don’t know how to start. What if he leaves me? After all, we’re only at the beginning and we made no promises. What if he’s ashamed of me, if he thinks I’m not enough for him, and to his eyes I’m no longer attractive? Or maybe he doesn’t like the fact that, since I’m inexperienced, he will have to teach me how to please him? What if he tells his friends, or he thinks i don’t measure up to his exes? I even thought I could make up the story of how I lost my virginity years ago with a friend, but I’d feel terrible to lie to him; I could say nothing and just wait until he figures it out, but it would be too embarrassing, and I prefer to preempt the humiliation and tell him the truth myself.

Plus, even if I have no intention to wait, I still have a bit of anxiety about this new experience, especially when I think that it probably won’t all come natural to me and it’ll take time for me to learn, and I don’t see how he can enjoy waiting for me to get to his “level”. I wouldn’t want to ruin our relationship just because I don’t have the courage to open up, and therefore miss this opportunity with a guy I like very much and who likes me back. I want to be able to finally loosen up and enjoy this experience that I have been waiting for so long just like other girls, and make him understand how much I want him.

I’ve tried to report all my insecurities and everything that’s been going on in my head these days. I am probably exaggerating it, so other points of view might be helpful. Maybe I just need reassurance and a little more confidence. Any advice or opinion you have will be greatly appreciated.

Thank you,

The Queen Of Overthinking

[Read more…]

Help, I’m Afraid It’s Too Late For Me To Find Love!

February 1, 2021 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Dear Doc:

I woke up in March and April of 2020 to the fact that I was an obese virgin that had no chance whatsoever of finding a girl to be in a relationship with, let alone just hook up with. After almost killing myself I decided to try and change. Between May and November of 2020 I lost 50lbs (from 205lbs to 155lbs) and started working out in September, meaning that technically I’ve improved my looks a lot. I still think I look terrible, though, even though I have no loose skin or anything like that. I think my face is awful, and an average build doesn’t seem to be good enough these days.

And I’m still a 23 year old virgin. I didn’t used to care, but it hit me like a truck when the pandemic hit. This weighs on me so heavily that I can’t seem to gain any confidence from my weight loss. With all social events and gatherings cancelled that most people recommend I should be going to now that I supposedly look better it seems that I’m doomed to graduate college a virgin. One of the worst things is that I have a job on campus at a building frequented by everyone and see so many couples just doing their thing, as if it’s proof that something is wrong with me because I couldn’t date or hookup before Covid and still can’t afterwards.

My grades are good, I have disposable income for dates, I have a job, but I can’t seem to find a girl interested. Considering how things are I feel like I truly will be missing the boat when I graduate. No girl wants to fuck a 24, 25, 26+ year old virgin these days, at least that’s the way I feel a lot of the time. I feel like I’ll never find someone to be in a relationship with if I couldn’t meet a single girl in college that liked me. I’m not asking for advice on how to hook up or anything like that, I’d just like to know some advice on how to get over being a virgin, or better accept that I’m more than likely going to be alone for the long haul.

— First Time, No Time

[Read more…]

Episode #108 – The Virgin’s Guide To Great Sex

February 27, 2019 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Many virgin men– especially older virgins — believe that no woman’s going to want to sleep with a guy who has no experience… but they can’t they get that experience without having sex.

So let’s ruin any chance of this video being monetized and talk about what anyone — even a virgin — can do that will make them an amazing lover.

SHOW HIGHLIGHTS:

  • What women REALLY think of male virgins
  • Why understanding YOUR needs can help you fulfill HERS
  • The one thing men DON’T do (but they SHOULD) before their first time
  • Why you need to use your tongue (but not like that)
  • How to avoid being a “one minute man” in bed

… and so much more.

RELATED LINKS:

Sex For Beginners

Busting The Fear of Virginity

Be The Greatest Lover She’s Ever Known

F*ck Like A Gentleman (pt.1)

The Virginity Paradox

Listen Here
Download Here
Transcripts available at Patreon.com/DrNerdLove


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Like the podcast? Become a Dr. NerdLove patron at Patreon.com/DrNerdLove

Want more dating advice? Check out my books at www.www.doctornerdlove.com/books

About Dr. NerdLove:

Harris O'Malley (AKA Dr. NerdLove) is an internationally recognized blogger and dating coach who gives dating advice to geeks of all stripes. Making nerds sexier since 20011

Remember: Dr. NerdLove is not really a doctor. [Read More …]

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Recent Comments

  • Slowburn Appreciate the advice. I think the first one i've done as well, and it's been zero percent successful, so idk if i even want to try that. Second one sounds similar to what i'm doing atm. I think i...

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  • fuzzilla Yeah, I agree. If they want tons of your time and energy and get pissed if you date someone else, yet still insist you're just oh so casual and chill? F*** that.

    My Boyfriend’s Kink Turns Me Off. What Do I Do? ·  June 27, 2022

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    My Boyfriend’s Kink Turns Me Off. What Do I Do? ·  June 27, 2022

  • fuzzilla I tried to replicate an FWB situation after I moved. Had a date with a guy who seemed cute and fun but kinda flaky. He turned out to be a total a**hole, though (all over me on the date but then was...

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