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How Do I Get Over A Relationship That Never Started?

January 12, 2022 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hi Dr. NerdLove!

First I just want to say that I love what you do and am so grateful for everything that you do for the community! This is my first time posting, and I feel stupid for still being lovesick, since I’ve talked about this issue to so many people and even read and watched so many help/guides! In other words, I’m desperate, and have come to you as my final salvager!

Ok, so here’s my issue: I’m crushing on this person and I have now since 2019. I feel like I’ve tried everything, except for just straight up confessing, but hear me out, because I feel like I can’t do that. I’m pretty sure I’ve already been rejected, so there’s no point in being so explicitly (although, how else will I finally move on?).

I met this crush of mine, for the first time, 10 years ago at college. Back then, I didn’t really think much of them, they were kind and all, but I guess I was too busy dating other people at that time. I remember that our second year in college together was real nice, and we hit it off, but I didn’t think that much of it back then. Then our final year, I don’t even remember what happened to them, and then we graduated.

For me, after graduation, stopped dating for a while (due to some personal issues), then started working and became a “busy bee”. At this point, I lost contact with all of the people that I went to college with, and also kinda suffered a “depressive period”. When I finally reached the end of the tunnel, I started reconnecting with a bunch of people from my past.

During this time, people would start asking me out again, and others would try to set me up on blind dates, but I just couldn’t do it. At first I thought it was because I was too tired, or too exhausted, but later I figured it was because of my fears from past relationships. I was terrified of either ending up being taken advantage of or even becoming that person that took advantage of someone else. So I kept the pause on dating for even longer.

Until, someone asked me, if I’d ever regretted breaking up with any of my exes, and if I had had that “someone that I let go”. At first I was pretty convinced that I didn’t, and that I was grateful for my past relationships not working out (I guess I’d been in a couple of “toxic” relationships..), but later when I thought it through, I remembered this crush from 10 years ago. And I even thought that it was so weird that I thought of them, knowing that I didn’t have a crush on them back then. After realizing this, I didn’t really think that much of it, and only had a brief moment of “what a shame”..

Then.. a couple of months later, out of nowhere, this SAME person, starts following me on social media! I was shocked! I didn’t even think to look them up on social media, and now seeing that they out of the blue started following me, made me of course instantly think that this was “heaven sent” (I know, it’s ridiculous..)! So, of course, I followed back and also DMed them! Trying to play it cool.. but I didn’t receive a reply. So, once again, I thought to myself, that at least I tried, and didn’t really think that much of it!

But then…. they interacted with my posts, and more frequently. And one time I made a post about an event, where they asked if I was going, ON THAT POST. So I thought, oh, maybe they didn’t even see my DM! I replied to that post saying that I would, and they replied that we should meet up at the event! I WAS SUPER ECSTATIC!

Then I go to this event, and I see them, and they look super tired/stress or whatever, and they don’t seem to be interested in catching up. They also came with someone else, and so did I, but the person that I was with was more interested in getting to know everyone, than my crush and the person that was with them. When the event finally comes to an end and right before we are all about to leave, my crush tells me how sorry they are for not responding to my DM and that they were SUPER busy and had been meaning to get back to me, and that they would DEFINITELY text me that evening. Again, I’m filled with hope!

So later that evening I wait for the response. And of course, I receive no response, I even wait past midnight, and still no response. So I muster up the courage to send a new DM, were I again, try to play it cool. This time I tell them that I would love to catch up with them over a cup of coffee, considering the fact that we weren’t really able to at the event. Then I go to sleep.. and of course I don’t sleep that night..

The next day, they answer! With a huge YES! and they even ask if I’m free the next day! I DID NOT EXPECT THAT! Like that was fast! So, I’m super happy, and then we meet the next day, and we have a cup of coffee, and I believed that we had such a GREAT time, and we both agree upon seeing each other again and reconnecting.

But of course, that doesn’t happen. First of all, like we didn’t even exchange phone numbers, we just stuck to social media. And whenever I’d DM, I’d either not get a response, or a real delayed one. AND AT THE SAME TIME, they would interact and like my posts, making me again super confused. After a couple of weeks I gave this whole thing up..

Then, I don’t know what got into me even, but spring this year, I DMed again, and opened up a bit, telling them that I had a great time with them that time (over a year ago…), and that I had noticed how they don’t respond to my DMs. I was trying to confess and wanted some form of rejection so that I could completely move on, I think. They answered and told me that they had been meaning to respond and to meet up again, but because of covid, they hadn’t, then they also said that we would totally meet when the city opened up again. Of course, this hasn’t happened. And when I suggested us gaming together (because of course both of us are gamers) they came up with excuses for why we couldn’t.

Now the last time we DMed, was in the fall, when I sent a picture of our old study spot, and they responded instantly. They even asked me a question, and when I responded, they didn’t reply.. As always.. I mean, if someone doesn’t really respond and basically keeps on ghosting, isn’t that just a response in of itself? Despite them being nice when I reach out first, isn’t that just them being nice?

I just want to get over this person, and at the same time, I want us to be together! I want to confess my feelings and be rejected, but at the same time I feel like they have already rejected me on so many occasions! Is this not just me not taking the hint? I want to start dating again, but I don’t want to date anyone who isn’t my crush (and don’t even get me started on why, because they are so perfect, and I’ve convinced myself that I can never find someone like them, or that I should at least try to find someone like them)

I’m out of my wits end.

Dr NerdLove, please help me!

— Lovesick, Actually

[Read more…]

How Do I Tell My Friend He’s A Being a Sexist Asshole?

December 17, 2021 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hey Doc,

Let me apologize in advance for rambling. There’s a lot to tell and I desperately need to vent, but I’ll try to stick to the pertinent points.

The background: I (cis straight woman) met ‘Ray’ (cis straight man) five years ago when we worked together. We are not kids. I’m divorced and he’s been married twice and has adult children. We began seeing each other. Things were ok. I knew it wasn’t something I wanted long-term, but it was ok for the meantime. I loved him, but I wasn’t in love with him. We dated for almost two years. We both contributed to the breakup. For his part, he had a tendency to lie and break promises. For my part, I fell into a deep depression the second year and basically was M.I.A. I also had a physical issue that drastically reduced the opportunities for sex. Things officially ended Xmas 2018 when he broke yet another promise and ghosted for a few weeks. While the split wasn’t really amicable, it wasn’t super hostile either. There was no argument or anything. I was simply done, and I think we both knew the relationship had been on life support. He’d text once in a while and I’d almost always ignore him. When my dad died in 2019, I texted and told him. His mom had died a year before and we had both been close to our parents. We began to occasionally text each other after that, and earlier this year we began actually talking on the phone. Now, it’s important that I be perfectly clear: I have no interest in rekindling any romantic or sexual relationship with Ray. I began talking to him again because I missed his friendship. I always enjoyed talking to him and feel I can be myself with him. I do have love for him and he makes no secret that he cares for me.

Thing is, Ray is sexist. He’s not a misogynist. He doesn’t hate or have any animosity towards women. He does have some outdated ridiculous ideas about women, men, and relationships. Admittedly, this is not news to me. I knew this when we dated. I’m a feminist, but as in all things, I pick my battles. There were times I challenged him and we had many convos about his beliefs. Make no mistake, I’m definitely someone who will challenge someone. But I’ve been known to let my intensity get the better of me and it’s not always pleasant. Also, I didn’t feel it was my responsibility to change him. Mostly because I knew I couldn’t. It’s clear to me his beliefs are truly ingrained. His dad died when he was very young, so his teen and preteen brothers probably taught him about the birds and the bees. (And I don’t think his dad would have done much better had he lived. I won’t go into details, but there was a definite ick factor to his parents’ marriage.)

Ray believes women are silly emotional creatures that will swoon and drop their drawers for any male that whispers some bullshit in their ears. He doesn’t believe men and women can be platonic friends. Any time men and women have any contact for non business reasons, it’s because somebody’s trying to fuck somebody. Says he doesn’t need female friends because he has no interest in discussing soap operas (always said with a snicker). He has male friends to discuss sports and women with. He believes women don’t leave relationships unless they’re leaving for another man. He thinks women are better equipped to tolerate a cheating partner because we’re used to it (please know that these are all his words, not mine). He also describes certain cars as “lady cars” (also said with a snicker).

I think you know where this is going. Ray hits on me pretty regularly when we talk (we haven’t seen each other in person since reconnecting). An ex flirting normally would not bother me, but knowing how he thinks makes it gross. Worse, he’s blunt (probably due to the fact we’ve been intimate before) and soooo fucking juvenile. He regularly starts talking about his dick. Out of the fucking blue! I wanna scream “mf’er are you 12???” He constantly talks about how important it is to men that they can get it up. As often as he talks about sex and the importance of dicks working, he almost never mentions anything about women’s pleasure or needs. It’s like the woman doesn’t matter at all. She’s an afterthought. For some reason, he’s always telling me some story about guys who’s wives/girlfriends got caught cheating. I have no fucking idea why he’s obsessed with these stories and why he tells me. To be honest, I don’t know if I believe him. I think he imagines that shit just to justify (in his mind) his objectification of women.

I find myself constantly rolling my eyes and cringing. The eye rolling is bad enough, but a friend making me cringe is a problem. I do not flirt with him and I shoot him down every time. I’ve had to awkwardly change the subject many times. I challenge him and I’ve found myself becoming pretty angry. What’s weird is that sometimes it seems he’s doing it because he thinks that’s what he ought to do. Like, he finds himself enjoying a regular ordinary conversation with me and then he remembers ‘oh, this is a woman. I should be trying to screw her’. Honestly? I never enjoyed sex with him due to his childish approach to sex. He wasn’t inexperienced. He was just too giddy and giggly. Like a 15yr old who unexpectedly got lucky for the first time.

I’m ready to tell him my version of the birds and the bees. I don’t think he’ll like it. And that’s part of the problem. Other than the sex stuff, I enjoy talking to him. He’s down to earth and good natured. We have similar backgrounds and share some life views. And, admittedly, I’m going through some things and I’m kinda lonely for friends. I worry that the crudeness is so much a part of who he is, that telling him to stop would be asking him to not be himself. I don’t know if that’s fair.
But I’m becoming more and more angry. Not just for myself but because I know how objectification harms women. It pisses me off that he thinks I would engage in that with him. Today I called him out on how he always talks about women cheating but never says anything about men cheating. He said it’s because it’s commonplace for men to cheat. A few weeks ago, he expected me to agree that a woman wasn’t marriage material because she has a foursome with three men. He said she was a whore. I asked him what that made the men. He didn’t get my point.

I know I rambled and got off track. I hope you can figure out all the questions (asked and unasked). Can this friendship be saved? Should I even try? Thanks in advance.

– Sick of the Sexism

Here’s my question for you, SotS: why, exactly, are you still friends with this guy? This is the friendship equivalent of what I call the Big Butt issue: “everything’s great, my partner’s amazing… now someone call Sir Mixx-A-Lot because here comes a big ‘…BUT!’ that’s gonna negate everything I said before”.

Case in point: you say you miss his friendship and you can be yourself around him… BUT he’s also a sexist asshole who can’t stop hitting on you or saying heinous shit.

I’m gonna be honest, SotS: you say he’s not a misogynist because he doesn’t actively hate women… but he sure as shit seems to think they’re inferior. I mean, when every joke is about how women are “silly emotional creatures” who only care about soap operas, will bang any dude who asks the right way and who can’t stand to be single (but also will put up with cheaters), it’s one of those moments where you have to wonder how many of those are actually jokes. Because frankly, either he does this to wind folks up, in which case there’s no point in engaging with him, or he’s serious, in which case there’s REALLY no point to engage with him at all.

And then there’s the fact he seems to think that your not being into him is a thing that he can fix if he just, I dunno, badgers you until you hit your killscreen or something.

So I think the big question is: what, exactly, are you getting out of this? You say you’re going through some shit and missing having friends. I totally get that; feeling isolated and lonely sucks and sometimes you’ll reach for any port in a storm. But at the same time, it seems like being his friend has a far higher cost than whatever benefits you’re getting from having him in your life. Are you sure that he’s bringing more to the metaphorical table than just being a body you can shove into the hole in your life marked “friends”? Because, quite frankly, you deserve better than a guy who, at best, is the social equivalent of chewing on aluminum foil.

While I realize maybe you need something to keep you distracted or help you work through whatever shit you’re going through, but if you really need a project… maybe get some LEGO sets? Remodel your apartment? Build increasingly elaborate shit in Minecraft? Foster a puppy or two? Because this dude ain’t so much of a fixer-upper as a “gut the interior and start over”, and you’re not getting paid to teach him how not to be a dickbag.

If you were to do anything, (why, tho?) then I’d say the only thing to do is pull him up short the next time he makes a crack.  Not even in an “educate him why he’s wrong” sense but in a “quit saying that shit around me, ever” sense. Same with his hitting on you: shut him down so hard it’s like you just blew up the shield generator on the forest moon of Endor: “I don’t want you flirting with me, I don’t want you hitting on me, we are never, ever going to be even in the same zipcode of being naked together again and I don’t care if it’s ‘just a joke’, that shit isn’t funny now knock it the fuck off.”

But, honestly? I wouldn’t expect much from that. The unfortunate truth is that even in this day and age, a lot of men only take things seriously if they hear it from other men; hearing it from you just means it’s coming from another “silly emotional creature”. So, y’know. I don’t think you’re gonna see a miraculous, Scrooge-like transformation on Christmas Day.

If you feel obligated (why tho?), I wouldn’t say look at this as fixing him. I’d suggest looking at this as the parting shot as you go out the door so that maybe he learns that his behavior has consequences, and if he wants women in his life, he needs to not be such a dickbag.

Good luck.


Dear Dr. NerdLove:

Oh boy I’m not looking forward to writing this message because nothing about this story makes me look good in any way.

A couple years ago, I started working with a singer on a musical project. Now despite my lack of dating experience and general awkwardness, I’ve never had any issues maintaining professional working relationships with women. I work with women all the time and have tons of healthy platonic friendships. However this time, I got caught off guard and developed intense feelings immediately. We had not just incredible working chemistry but also became like instant best friends. We were texting back and forth all day every day and not about the project. Most of it was just idle chit chat. 90%of which was initiated by her. This was unusual for me because I’ve never had a girlfriend and I caught feelings. I tried really hard to suppress them because I didn’t want to ruin the project but after a while it got to a point where I couldn’t contain it anymore.

After about three months, I finally told her. Initially she said she wasn’t interested but we both agreed that night that we still wanted to work together. However after two days of radio silence she told me she didn’t feel comfortable working with me anymore. I was crushed but I tried to be mature about it and told her I understood but hoped we could still be friends. We didn’t speak for a month after that until she invited me to a gig of hers. Initially everything seemed okay at the show. We hugged and said hi but didn’t talk much before she played. Afterward it took a little while before we could talk but in the meantime I wound up talking to one of her other friends and found out she had decided to move to Nashville. I live in NYC btw. This definitely hit me like a ton of bricks and I kinda shut down. We had a brief conversation at the end of the night where I apologized for what had happened but we never wound up speaking again. I tried contacting her twice after that but she ignored me.

It was at this point that I started to take a regrettable turn. I spiraled emotionally and wound up sending her an email with a love letter like a complete psycho and as you could probably expect she blocked me on social media. I’d never been blocked before and because of the way Instagram handles it I wasn’t sure what had happened so I made a dummy account and check with the intent to delete it right after. Once I’d confirmed I’d been blocked I went to delete it and accidentally deleted my real account. Now I had to make a new one and because of this, I could see her profile again.

I tried forcing myself to not go back and look at her profile but I failed over and over again. I kept visiting it without following or watching her stories so she couldn’t see me. It’s been three years now and I’m still going back there analyzing every post trying to tell myself she secretly loves me too. I’m fully aware that this is a delusion but I keep going back like an addict. I’ve tried blocking her profile to resist temptation but it’s too easy to just go in and unblock it. It’s gotten so bad that I even sent her a message last week asking her to block me again. Though for some reason she hasn’t yet. Maybe she just hasn’t seen the message.

I’m losing my mind. I hate myself for being this person. I have no excuse for my behavior but I can’t figure a way out. I’m suicidal again, I’m isolating and I’ve done everything but completely sabotage my career. This isn’t who I wanna be.

We’re Caught In A Trap

First and foremost: if you’re having suicidal thoughts, you should call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-8255; they’re available 24-7 with trained volunteers to help you.

Next: you need to be talking to a therapist, my dude, not to me. If it’s been three years and you’re wrecking your shit like this, then there’s a lot more happening than just a particularly unpleasant case of Oneitis
I feel like there’re a few things that’ve been left out of this story, such as what, exactly, you said that made her feel like she couldn’t be comfortable working around you. Normally, just telling someone you like them or have feelings for them doesn’t end up causing a friendship to turn on a dime to the point that the other person wants to quit having even a professional relationship together. If everything was going great before then… well, I’m guessing something in that conversation went especially badly, and that’s a thing you need to zero in on. That, I suspect, is gonna reveal a lot more about just where things went off the rails.

Now part of what is important to recognize is that what you’re holding onto isn’t her, it’s what she represents. You aren’t hung up on her so much as you’re hung up on the fantasy — not just of her, but of the relationship that never happened. Those relationships are the ones that’re the hardest to let go of because they’re perfect. There’s no question about how much they adore you, everything goes according to your deepest desires and even any “conflicts” you may imagine are superficial at best and easily resolved. You never have to worry, you never have to put in effort, you never have to deal with the days that they annoy the piss out of you and you’re grinding your teeth in frustration about dealing with their bullshit.

And, of course, she loves you madly, no matter what, with virtually no need for effort on your part.

These imaginary relationships are, in a word, ideal. And part of what makes it hard to let go is that the alternative is trying to pursue a real relationship with an actual person and all the friction and mess that means. Why do that when you can hold onto the hope that this fantasy relationship might come true, when you can bend anything into giving you a crumb of hope?

Well, unfortunately, that’s not hope; that’s desperation. That’s clinging to something you know isn’t real because the truth about it hurts way more. And the truth — and I hate to say this — is gonna hurt: she doesn’t like you like that and you basically burned this bridge so thoroughly that there aren’t even ashes left, just scorch marks on either side of the crevasse. And you keep hurtling yourself into the crevasse.

As much as this is hurts, and I’m not gonna lie, it’s gonna hurt a lot, you have to accept that there’s no changing this. You know exactly how she feels: she wants nothing to do with you. You keep looking for signs that maybe she’s changed her mind because you don’t like admitting it. And no, you haven’t admitted it to yourself, not really. You recognize it intellectually, but you haven’t accepted it, emotionally.  If you had, you wouldn’t keep going back to this. You’re going to have to swallow this particular bitter pill and pretend it’s steak because nothing is going to get better for you until you do.

Part of swallowing this particular bitter pill means taking the full nuclear option: blocking her on everything, in every way possible. That means Instagram, Twitter, TikTok, Facebook, WhatsApp, Badoo, everything. If it can connect with another person, then you need to block her. And if you can’t stop yourself from going and unblocking her, then you need to put more obstacles in your path to make it harder to do so on impulse. That may mean installing apps on your computer and phone that prevent you from accessing certain websites or apps except at certain times. It may mean giving control of your social media to a trusted friend and asking them to block, mute or otherwise make it harder to get ahold of her. But you need a complete separation from her if you’re going to stop digging for any microbe of information that you could pretend is cause for hope.

But more than that: you need to hie thyself to a therapist’s couch. If you’re tearing your life up this much over her, then you need help beyond what a loudmouth with an advice column can give. As I’ve said many times before: Dr. NerdLove is NOT a real doctor, and you need the help of a trained mental health professional to help you pick this particular knot apart.

You’re hurting. You know you’re hurting. That hurt is never going to stop if you don’t let it. The wound is never going to heal if you keep deliberately reopening it. If you can’t stop yourself, then you’re gonna need the emotional equivalent of The Cone of Shame to keep you from picking at it while you let the wound finally close and the pain finally subside.

So block her on everything. Delete your accounts if you need to.  You can have someone create a placeholder for you and not give you access to it until you’ve actually gone through actual therapy and you’ve made significant progress. But nothing will get better until you’re ready to fully accept the truth about all of this and you go get yourself help.

Good luck.

What Do You Do When Someone You Love Is A Stalker?

August 30, 2021 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Dear Dr. NerdLove,

I’ve got this ex, and we’re friends. We’re exes because the stars didn’t align for us, and that’s it. We’ve been close for ten years, on and off, and I really love her. We’ll call her Amber.

Seven years ago, her boyfriend, we’ll call him Cory, ghosted her (but didn’t block her or unfriend her on Facebook) when she violated his trust. Five years ago, she stopped reaching out to him. She always talked about him with regret, but lately it’s been turned up to eleven. She’s been speculating about how serious he really was about removing her from his life. She started watching his semi-popular livestreams, and she even sent him a harmless message anonymously. I check out my crush’s Insta every once in a while, so I don’t think I can judge.

And then it went to twelve. She decided she was going to send him a letter. At first, she was going to write and not send it, but as time went on, she became more determined to send it. I told her that he made it clear he didn’t want to hear from her, and she responded that maybe he did want to get in touch with her, and he just needed permission. I decided I was going to help her write the letter so it didn’t come across as pushy or threatening. She sent it. Surprising no one but Amber, he didn’t respond. I thought the matter was settled.

The amp goes up to thirteen, folks, because now she assumes that he changed his email, and he never got the message. Now she wants to comment, as herself, on one of his livestreams, the prospect of which is making me queasy in the stomach region. He’s going to have to be polite to her because he has to, and she’s going to take that as confirmation. At this point, I used the word “obsessing” and “unhealthy” to her, and she said that she would simply stop talking to me about it, matter settled. I feel sorry for the guy, but it’s not my problem anymore.

She publicly vaguebooked about how when someone tells her not to do something, she’s more inclined to do it because “nobody tells me what to do.” Taking this as a personal attack (which it was), I publicly responded that she sounded like an anti-vaxxer, and now, suddenly, I feel like it’s my problem again.

I’m really, really worried about her. This obsession of hers is unhealthy, and, as someone who has his own stalker, I really feel for this guy. I’m also thinking about walking away from her for a while and letting things develop without me. But I keep going back to, the fact that, for seven years, Cory has not acknowledged the existence of Amber, and now suddenly he gets an email from her, and a message on his livestream? What would be going on in his head for this. Would he get scared? I would. And, more importantly, what does this mean for my relationship with Amber. Is this going to be the hill our relationship dies on?

What am I supposed to do here?

Sincerely,
Leaps and Boundaries

[Read more…]

I’ve Been In Love With My Friend for 20 Years. How Do I Finally Get Over Her?

June 16, 2021 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Heya, Doc:
I’ve been meaning to ask you this question for a long time because, frankly, I think this is a kick in the ass that’s been a long time coming.
I’ve been a fan of your site for a long time and it’s been fun and funny getting a dose of masculinity that pushes back on the BS narratives that our culture peddles when it comes to love, sex, and dating. I am pretty sex positive, I feel comfortable in my own brand of masculinity, and at this point in my life I am loving being single even though I’ve been thinking  more and more often lately about giving online dating a try (I’m going to be 38 this year, am a virgin, and I do not give a flying frak that I’m a virgin XD ).
There’s just one problem that continues to persist and bug me in my adult life that, even when I try to take the stance of “those feelings will ALWAYS be there and I just have to get used to it”, and it’s a case of oneitis I have had for almost twenty years. I have a friend, I’ll call them Lee, and I’ve known her since my freshman year of college. To me (cue Swiss commercials of chocolate), she is one of the nicest, kindest people I’ve had the pleasure of knowing and right now, one of my best female friends. And we have not seen each other in person since her wedding a decade ago now, and even before that most of our communication was via text, which we chat almost daily.
It didn’t really click until a few years back that this was even oneitis because I had thought I had moved on, but when I think of love and sex, to be honest, Lee is one of the first people to always float to the surface of my mind. And our online only friendship has allowed this perfect idea of an imperfect person to become lodged in my head, and at this point my feelings towards her are so complicated that, I want to be a good friend to her while also being true to myself and moving the frak on to find happiness without her romantically, and I think Lee wants me to be happy too. And I think if I went nuclear and cut them out of my life, it would result in a lot of hurt feelings on both sides, especially with it being so out of the blue.
Now, I’ve been shitty at times, especially when I was in my twenties and was emotionally needy as hell. That’s another reason I want to fix this is because Lee tolerated a LOT of online BS from me. I was emotionally needy countless times and I constantly sought validation from her. It was so bad, I even shared what my various kinks and fetishes were with Lee, just so I could feel some form of acceptance for my fantasies. I’m now a lot better getting my validation from myself, but back then it was bad. Lee said they’ve forgiven me for how I used to act, and even now I try not to talk about sex topics with her unless it comes up naturally in conversation, like if she ask how my adult fetish art hobby is doing (which is another story). So, she has given me nothing but support, and I need to move on.
(As an aside, I think I was guilty of an assumption I think a lot of men in their twenties try to do when they first learn about sex positivity, which is to just be upfront about the things they like and damn the consequences without regards to how other people feel, and to encourage that attitude in others when they might prefer to keep their sexual feelings and likes to themselves.)
The other thing that doesn’t help is how similar I seem to be to Lee’s partner, Ben. There are times when Lee is talking about Ben that, it is eerie how similar we are without trying, from our temperaments to our likes and dislikes to how we act. It’s one more fly in the ointment where I wonder if we might have had a relationship in a different life, but then I wouldn’t be the person I am today with twenty years of growth and struggles that I think have made me a better person than if I had gotten married in my twenties. And then there are the times Ben and Lee get in arguments and fights and I want to rush to Lee’s defense and, I can’t because there are things a man can’t say about his female friend’s partner without sounding like a jerk, even if there are times I’m concerned that Ben’s protectiveness creeps into being controlling but I don’t know how to say it or bring it up tactfully. I also can’t say how pretty I think she still is when she struggles with her weight or other various problems and ailments that come her way.
So, while on the one hand, I’m fairly certain I have a type and, while Lee isn’t perfect, she meets a LOT of the things I think I’d look for in a romantic partner and has helped me realize what I want, I have to recognize that Lee is happily married and can only be my friend, and I need to move on, and I know that is something she would want me to do too. She has said as much when I’ve talked about my lack of a love life, and I want to be true to our friendship. And I wanted to say, to other sufferers of oneitis, please do your best to move on and not get stuck in the same rut for twenty years like me.
Signed,
Ready-For-The-Guillotine 

[Read more…]

How Do I Get Over My First Serious Heartbreak?

April 2, 2021 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hey Doc,

I’ve been watching a number of your videos lately, and they’ve been a great help to me so far.  However, I’m finding that I’m in a situation at the moment that I don’t think has been covered so far, and I can find very little help dealing with it specifically.

The game changer has been COVID.

Basically, early last year, I started dating a girl (we met on Tinder… Yeah, I know…) and it turned out we clicked amazingly. First date, I took her out for dessert, because I was afraid that we wouldn’t hit it off, but we really did. What should have been a 1-hr first date over ice-cream, ended up being 3 ½ hours long and we were set up immediately the next week. Our relationship went on like this really rapidly, and within a month or so, we were Facebook official. Then the shit hit the fan, and bad things happened. Lockdown came in and were separated around 700 plus miles from each other. She had to go back to her parent house, as she couldn’t afford to pay the rent as she couldn’t work from home. We really didn’t know when we would see each other again.

At first, I thought “this is it, we’re probably going to fizzle out” turns out we didn’t! We came up with a schedule whereby we’d have ‘Netflix parties’ over the internet, watching films and shows at the same time and commenting to each other about it, and then zooming every weekend. We’d have consistent good morning and good night texts. It really felt like we were still together.

After 4 months of this purgatory, we were reunited, and everything seemed to be going ok, we finally had a lot of actual dates and day trips, but lockdown was still pretty much in place and did restrict all the things we could do. She was having to work in a new job she didn’t really enjoy, and had to put in crazy hours. I think it had a real effect on her energy and health. I noted that awkward silences had started to creep into our conversations.

One week, I’d put a plan together that were to have a dinner and movie night around my place, just a simple date to get together (due to schedules we could only see each other once or twice a week at this rate). Then the text came the day before: “we need to talk.” And that was it. I knew everything had come to an end. I was due to go out playing football that same night, but I couldn’t. As pathetic as it sounds, I collapsed. I physically hurt. We met in the park, and it all went worse than I ever expected.

We’re due to meet to pick up each other’s stuff, and I’m dreading every minute of it. As childish as it sounds, I really thought she was ‘the one’, and that I would marry this girl. I couldn’t wait to meet her family, she had wanted to meet mine earlier in the year, I just thought everything was coming together in my life.

Now, I just feel as if it’s all hopeless, I’m trying to get back into online dating again, but due to the pandemic, I feel too scared to meet people until I’m vaccinated. I loved your videos about Oneitis and how to get over it, but everything just seems to have come apart , and I can’t even go to the gym properly now!

I just feel isolated and helpless, the worst bit is that I feel like this pandemic has run down the clock on any potential future for me. I’m nearing 30, and am single without kids, I know it’s fatalistic, but I’ve gone to brimming with hope, to running on empty.

TL:DR How can I let go of who I thought was the girl of my dreams, and rebuild my confidence and hope for the future during this pandemic?

Broken Inside

[Read more…]

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About Dr. NerdLove:

Harris O'Malley (AKA Dr. NerdLove) is an internationally recognized blogger and dating coach who gives dating advice to geeks of all stripes. Making nerds sexier since 20011

Remember: Dr. NerdLove is not really a doctor. [Read More …]

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Recent Comments

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