Heya, Doc:
I’ve been meaning to ask you this question for a long time because, frankly, I think this is a kick in the ass that’s been a long time coming.
I’ve been a fan of your site for a long time and it’s been fun and funny getting a dose of masculinity that pushes back on the BS narratives that our culture peddles when it comes to love, sex, and dating. I am pretty sex positive, I feel comfortable in my own brand of masculinity, and at this point in my life I am loving being single even though I’ve been thinking more and more often lately about giving online dating a try (I’m going to be 38 this year, am a virgin, and I do not give a flying frak that I’m a virgin XD ).
There’s just one problem that continues to persist and bug me in my adult life that, even when I try to take the stance of “those feelings will ALWAYS be there and I just have to get used to it”, and it’s a case of oneitis I have had for almost twenty years. I have a friend, I’ll call them Lee, and I’ve known her since my freshman year of college. To me (cue Swiss commercials of chocolate), she is one of the nicest, kindest people I’ve had the pleasure of knowing and right now, one of my best female friends. And we have not seen each other in person since her wedding a decade ago now, and even before that most of our communication was via text, which we chat almost daily.
It didn’t really click until a few years back that this was even oneitis because I had thought I had moved on, but when I think of love and sex, to be honest, Lee is one of the first people to always float to the surface of my mind. And our online only friendship has allowed this perfect idea of an imperfect person to become lodged in my head, and at this point my feelings towards her are so complicated that, I want to be a good friend to her while also being true to myself and moving the frak on to find happiness without her romantically, and I think Lee wants me to be happy too. And I think if I went nuclear and cut them out of my life, it would result in a lot of hurt feelings on both sides, especially with it being so out of the blue.
Now, I’ve been shitty at times, especially when I was in my twenties and was emotionally needy as hell. That’s another reason I want to fix this is because Lee tolerated a LOT of online BS from me. I was emotionally needy countless times and I constantly sought validation from her. It was so bad, I even shared what my various kinks and fetishes were with Lee, just so I could feel some form of acceptance for my fantasies. I’m now a lot better getting my validation from myself, but back then it was bad. Lee said they’ve forgiven me for how I used to act, and even now I try not to talk about sex topics with her unless it comes up naturally in conversation, like if she ask how my adult fetish art hobby is doing (which is another story). So, she has given me nothing but support, and I need to move on.
(As an aside, I think I was guilty of an assumption I think a lot of men in their twenties try to do when they first learn about sex positivity, which is to just be upfront about the things they like and damn the consequences without regards to how other people feel, and to encourage that attitude in others when they might prefer to keep their sexual feelings and likes to themselves.)
The other thing that doesn’t help is how similar I seem to be to Lee’s partner, Ben. There are times when Lee is talking about Ben that, it is eerie how similar we are without trying, from our temperaments to our likes and dislikes to how we act. It’s one more fly in the ointment where I wonder if we might have had a relationship in a different life, but then I wouldn’t be the person I am today with twenty years of growth and struggles that I think have made me a better person than if I had gotten married in my twenties. And then there are the times Ben and Lee get in arguments and fights and I want to rush to Lee’s defense and, I can’t because there are things a man can’t say about his female friend’s partner without sounding like a jerk, even if there are times I’m concerned that Ben’s protectiveness creeps into being controlling but I don’t know how to say it or bring it up tactfully. I also can’t say how pretty I think she still is when she struggles with her weight or other various problems and ailments that come her way.
So, while on the one hand, I’m fairly certain I have a type and, while Lee isn’t perfect, she meets a LOT of the things I think I’d look for in a romantic partner and has helped me realize what I want, I have to recognize that Lee is happily married and can only be my friend, and I need to move on, and I know that is something she would want me to do too. She has said as much when I’ve talked about my lack of a love life, and I want to be true to our friendship. And I wanted to say, to other sufferers of oneitis, please do your best to move on and not get stuck in the same rut for twenty years like me.
Signed,
Ready-For-The-Guillotine
