oneitis Archives

What Do You Do When Someone You Love Is A Stalker?

August 30, 2021 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Dear Dr. NerdLove,

I’ve got this ex, and we’re friends. We’re exes because the stars didn’t align for us, and that’s it. We’ve been close for ten years, on and off, and I really love her. We’ll call her Amber.

Seven years ago, her boyfriend, we’ll call him Cory, ghosted her (but didn’t block her or unfriend her on Facebook) when she violated his trust. Five years ago, she stopped reaching out to him. She always talked about him with regret, but lately it’s been turned up to eleven. She’s been speculating about how serious he really was about removing her from his life. She started watching his semi-popular livestreams, and she even sent him a harmless message anonymously. I check out my crush’s Insta every once in a while, so I don’t think I can judge.

And then it went to twelve. She decided she was going to send him a letter. At first, she was going to write and not send it, but as time went on, she became more determined to send it. I told her that he made it clear he didn’t want to hear from her, and she responded that maybe he did want to get in touch with her, and he just needed permission. I decided I was going to help her write the letter so it didn’t come across as pushy or threatening. She sent it. Surprising no one but Amber, he didn’t respond. I thought the matter was settled.

The amp goes up to thirteen, folks, because now she assumes that he changed his email, and he never got the message. Now she wants to comment, as herself, on one of his livestreams, the prospect of which is making me queasy in the stomach region. He’s going to have to be polite to her because he has to, and she’s going to take that as confirmation. At this point, I used the word “obsessing” and “unhealthy” to her, and she said that she would simply stop talking to me about it, matter settled. I feel sorry for the guy, but it’s not my problem anymore.

She publicly vaguebooked about how when someone tells her not to do something, she’s more inclined to do it because “nobody tells me what to do.” Taking this as a personal attack (which it was), I publicly responded that she sounded like an anti-vaxxer, and now, suddenly, I feel like it’s my problem again.

I’m really, really worried about her. This obsession of hers is unhealthy, and, as someone who has his own stalker, I really feel for this guy. I’m also thinking about walking away from her for a while and letting things develop without me. But I keep going back to, the fact that, for seven years, Cory has not acknowledged the existence of Amber, and now suddenly he gets an email from her, and a message on his livestream? What would be going on in his head for this. Would he get scared? I would. And, more importantly, what does this mean for my relationship with Amber. Is this going to be the hill our relationship dies on?

What am I supposed to do here?

Sincerely,
Leaps and Boundaries

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I’ve Been In Love With My Friend for 20 Years. How Do I Finally Get Over Her?

June 16, 2021 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Heya, Doc:

I’ve been meaning to ask you this question for a long time because, frankly, I think this is a kick in the ass that’s been a long time coming.

I’ve been a fan of your site for a long time and it’s been fun and funny getting a dose of masculinity that pushes back on the BS narratives that our culture peddles when it comes to love, sex, and dating. I am pretty sex positive, I feel comfortable in my own brand of masculinity, and at this point in my life I am loving being single even though I’ve been thinking more and more often lately about giving online dating a try (I’m going to be 38 this year, am a virgin, and I do not give a flying frak that I’m a virgin XD ).

There’s just one problem that continues to persist and bug me in my adult life that, even when I try to take the stance of “those feelings will ALWAYS be there and I just have to get used to it”, and it’s a case of oneitis I have had for almost twenty years. I have a friend, I’ll call them Lee, and I’ve known her since my freshman year of college. To me (cue Swiss commercials of chocolate), she is one of the nicest, kindest people I’ve had the pleasure of knowing and right now, one of my best female friends. And we have not seen each other in person since her wedding a decade ago now, and even before that most of our communication was via text, which we chat almost daily.

It didn’t really click until a few years back that this was even oneitis because I had thought I had moved on, but when I think of love and sex, to be honest, Lee is one of the first people to always float to the surface of my mind. And our online only friendship has allowed this perfect idea of an imperfect person to become lodged in my head, and at this point my feelings towards her are so complicated that, I want to be a good friend to her while also being true to myself and moving the frak on to find happiness without her romantically, and I think Lee wants me to be happy too. And I think if I went nuclear and cut them out of my life, it would result in a lot of hurt feelings on both sides, especially with it being so out of the blue.

Now, I’ve been shitty at times, especially when I was in my twenties and was emotionally needy as hell. That’s another reason I want to fix this is because Lee tolerated a LOT of online BS from me. I was emotionally needy countless times and I constantly sought validation from her. It was so bad, I even shared what my various kinks and fetishes were with Lee, just so I could feel some form of acceptance for my fantasies. I’m now a lot better getting my validation from myself, but back then it was bad. Lee said they’ve forgiven me for how I used to act, and even now I try not to talk about sex topics with her unless it comes up naturally in conversation, like if she ask how my adult fetish art hobby is doing (which is another story). So, she has given me nothing but support, and I need to move on.

(As an aside, I think I was guilty of an assumption I think a lot of men in their twenties try to do when they first learn about sex positivity, which is to just be upfront about the things they like and damn the consequences without regards to how other people feel, and to encourage that attitude in others when they might prefer to keep their sexual feelings and likes to themselves.)

The other thing that doesn’t help is how similar I seem to be to Lee’s partner, Ben. There are times when Lee is talking about Ben that, it is eerie how similar we are without trying, from our temperaments to our likes and dislikes to how we act. It’s one more fly in the ointment where I wonder if we might have had a relationship in a different life, but then I wouldn’t be the person I am today with twenty years of growth and struggles that I think have made me a better person than if I had gotten married in my twenties. And then there are the times Ben and Lee get in arguments and fights and I want to rush to Lee’s defense and, I can’t because there are things a man can’t say about his female friend’s partner without sounding like a jerk, even if there are times I’m concerned that Ben’s protectiveness creeps into being controlling but I don’t know how to say it or bring it up tactfully. I also can’t say how pretty I think she still is when she struggles with her weight or other various problems and ailments that come her way.

So, while on the one hand, I’m fairly certain I have a type and, while Lee isn’t perfect, she meets a LOT of the things I think I’d look for in a romantic partner and has helped me realize what I want, I have to recognize that Lee is happily married and can only be my friend, and I need to move on, and I know that is something she would want me to do too. She has said as much when I’ve talked about my lack of a love life, and I want to be true to our friendship. And I wanted to say, to other sufferers of oneitis, please do your best to move on and not get stuck in the same rut for twenty years like me.

Signed,

Ready-For-The-Guillotine

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How Do I Get Over My First Serious Heartbreak?

April 2, 2021 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hey Doc,

I’ve been watching a number of your videos lately, and they’ve been a great help to me so far. However, I’m finding that I’m in a situation at the moment that I don’t think has been covered so far, and I can find very little help dealing with it specifically.

The game changer has been COVID.

Basically, early last year, I started dating a girl (we met on Tinder… Yeah, I know…) and it turned out we clicked amazingly. First date, I took her out for dessert, because I was afraid that we wouldn’t hit it off, but we really did. What should have been a 1-hr first date over ice-cream, ended up being 3 ½ hours long and we were set up immediately the next week. Our relationship went on like this really rapidly, and within a month or so, we were Facebook official. Then the shit hit the fan, and bad things happened. Lockdown came in and were separated around 700 plus miles from each other. She had to go back to her parent house, as she couldn’t afford to pay the rent as she couldn’t work from home. We really didn’t know when we would see each other again.

At first, I thought “this is it, we’re probably going to fizzle out” turns out we didn’t! We came up with a schedule whereby we’d have ‘Netflix parties’ over the internet, watching films and shows at the same time and commenting to each other about it, and then zooming every weekend. We’d have consistent good morning and good night texts. It really felt like we were still together.

After 4 months of this purgatory, we were reunited, and everything seemed to be going ok, we finally had a lot of actual dates and day trips, but lockdown was still pretty much in place and did restrict all the things we could do. She was having to work in a new job she didn’t really enjoy, and had to put in crazy hours. I think it had a real effect on her energy and health. I noted that awkward silences had started to creep into our conversations.

One week, I’d put a plan together that were to have a dinner and movie night around my place, just a simple date to get together (due to schedules we could only see each other once or twice a week at this rate). Then the text came the day before: “we need to talk.” And that was it. I knew everything had come to an end. I was due to go out playing football that same night, but I couldn’t. As pathetic as it sounds, I collapsed. I physically hurt. We met in the park, and it all went worse than I ever expected.

We’re due to meet to pick up each other’s stuff, and I’m dreading every minute of it. As childish as it sounds, I really thought she was ‘the one’, and that I would marry this girl. I couldn’t wait to meet her family, she had wanted to meet mine earlier in the year, I just thought everything was coming together in my life.

Now, I just feel as if it’s all hopeless, I’m trying to get back into online dating again, but due to the pandemic, I feel too scared to meet people until I’m vaccinated. I loved your videos about Oneitis and how to get over it, but everything just seems to have come apart , and I can’t even go to the gym properly now!

I just feel isolated and helpless, the worst bit is that I feel like this pandemic has run down the clock on any potential future for me. I’m nearing 30, and am single without kids, I know it’s fatalistic, but I’ve gone to brimming with hope, to running on empty.

TL:DR How can I let go of who I thought was the girl of my dreams, and rebuild my confidence and hope for the future during this pandemic?

Broken Inside

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Did I Just Ruin My Life For Sex?

August 21, 2020 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hello.

I’m a man in my 30s with next to none sexual experience. There are various reasons for my lack of experience, but I think the main reason is that I’m far too picky, when you consider my own attractiveness. The lack of sex in my life has bothered me quite frequently, and the only reason I haven’t visited a sex worker yet is that I’m morbidly afraid of STDs. Herpes, to be more precise. I understand that most people will contract HSV-1 during their lifetime, and HSV-2 too is quite widespread. I also understand that most infections are asymptomatic and when they aren’t, the symptoms are mostly manageable. Still, because of my kissless and sexless life, I have been able to count myself among, for lack of a better word, the clean ones (not trying to shame of stigmatise, you can probably tell that English isn’t my first language), and this has been a great source of joy in my life. Now I’m afraid that I have thrown it away for nothing.

I recently met a woman in a bar (unlike much of the world we aren’t under lockdown) that for some reason seemed to be quite infatuated with me. At some point she asked if I would like to have sex with her and I thought why not, she was good company and attractive enough. Or so I thought, since it turned out that I wasn’t nearly as aroused by her that I thought I would be. I couldn’t maintain an erection and all our attempts to have intercourse more or less failed. I ended up fingering her and although she seemed to enjoy herself, I felt a little bad for wasting her time.

I would be more than able to laugh the whole incident off, if it wasn’t for the health aspect. I don’t claim to be the greatest judge of character, but she seemed like someone who would have a rather active sex life. I’m not judging, that just would make her more likely to carry the viruses I dread. I think it’s needless to say that I wore a condom and I was under the impression that the risk of catching herpes during dormant periods is somewhat low. I haven’t had any symptoms yet, but I’m not sure if it makes me feel any better. Asymptomatic herpes isn’t usually tested here, so I pretty much have no way of knowing if I’m as healthy as I used to be. And this makes me feel awfully dirty. Not to mention, now I have started to see crabs everywhere.

I see little reason why I would be having sex on a regular basis from now on. I have a extremely high sex drive, but it also seems like I see sex as something inherently disgusting. I think I would need a perfect partner to get over the dirtiness of the act. Now I feel like I have traded the only pro of having no sex life for the worst con of having one. Because of a momentary lapse of judgment I went from somebody who had zero partners to somebody who has fifty, and only thing I have to show for it is an experience I could have lived without. I used to think that I had a rather relaxed attitude towards sex, but it seems I’m not nearly as open minded as I thought I was. I’m not sure how much better I would feel if I had enjoyed the experience, but I’m sure I would feel far better if I had shared it with somebody I would perceive more chaste, and this bothers me somewhat.

Any any advice how to cope with this all would be appreciated

Not Trying To Be Dramatic But Did I Ruin My Life For Nothing

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Episode #145 — The Problem With “Nice Guys”

June 17, 2020 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Women often say that they want a nice guy, so why do so many of them think that nice guys are THE WORST? The trouble is that Nice Guy’s behavior works against them; what they see as positive and respectful is actually pushing people away. Here’s why being a Nice Guy drives women away… and why it can be so hard to STOP being a Nice Guy.

SHOW HIGHLIGHTS: