Hi Dr. NerdLove!
First I just want to say that I love what you do and am so grateful for everything that you do for the community! This is my first time posting, and I feel stupid for still being lovesick, since I’ve talked about this issue to so many people and even read and watched so many help/guides! In other words, I’m desperate, and have come to you as my final salvager!
Ok, so here’s my issue: I’m crushing on this person and I have now since 2019. I feel like I’ve tried everything, except for just straight up confessing, but hear me out, because I feel like I can’t do that. I’m pretty sure I’ve already been rejected, so there’s no point in being so explicitly (although, how else will I finally move on?).
I met this crush of mine, for the first time, 10 years ago at college. Back then, I didn’t really think much of them, they were kind and all, but I guess I was too busy dating other people at that time. I remember that our second year in college together was real nice, and we hit it off, but I didn’t think that much of it back then. Then our final year, I don’t even remember what happened to them, and then we graduated.
For me, after graduation, stopped dating for a while (due to some personal issues), then started working and became a “busy bee”. At this point, I lost contact with all of the people that I went to college with, and also kinda suffered a “depressive period”. When I finally reached the end of the tunnel, I started reconnecting with a bunch of people from my past.
During this time, people would start asking me out again, and others would try to set me up on blind dates, but I just couldn’t do it. At first I thought it was because I was too tired, or too exhausted, but later I figured it was because of my fears from past relationships. I was terrified of either ending up being taken advantage of or even becoming that person that took advantage of someone else. So I kept the pause on dating for even longer.
Until, someone asked me, if I’d ever regretted breaking up with any of my exes, and if I had had that “someone that I let go”. At first I was pretty convinced that I didn’t, and that I was grateful for my past relationships not working out (I guess I’d been in a couple of “toxic” relationships..), but later when I thought it through, I remembered this crush from 10 years ago. And I even thought that it was so weird that I thought of them, knowing that I didn’t have a crush on them back then. After realizing this, I didn’t really think that much of it, and only had a brief moment of “what a shame”..
Then.. a couple of months later, out of nowhere, this SAME person, starts following me on social media! I was shocked! I didn’t even think to look them up on social media, and now seeing that they out of the blue started following me, made me of course instantly think that this was “heaven sent” (I know, it’s ridiculous..)! So, of course, I followed back and also DMed them! Trying to play it cool.. but I didn’t receive a reply. So, once again, I thought to myself, that at least I tried, and didn’t really think that much of it!
But then…. they interacted with my posts, and more frequently. And one time I made a post about an event, where they asked if I was going, ON THAT POST. So I thought, oh, maybe they didn’t even see my DM! I replied to that post saying that I would, and they replied that we should meet up at the event! I WAS SUPER ECSTATIC!
Then I go to this event, and I see them, and they look super tired/stress or whatever, and they don’t seem to be interested in catching up. They also came with someone else, and so did I, but the person that I was with was more interested in getting to know everyone, than my crush and the person that was with them. When the event finally comes to an end and right before we are all about to leave, my crush tells me how sorry they are for not responding to my DM and that they were SUPER busy and had been meaning to get back to me, and that they would DEFINITELY text me that evening. Again, I’m filled with hope!
So later that evening I wait for the response. And of course, I receive no response, I even wait past midnight, and still no response. So I muster up the courage to send a new DM, were I again, try to play it cool. This time I tell them that I would love to catch up with them over a cup of coffee, considering the fact that we weren’t really able to at the event. Then I go to sleep.. and of course I don’t sleep that night..
The next day, they answer! With a huge YES! and they even ask if I’m free the next day! I DID NOT EXPECT THAT! Like that was fast! So, I’m super happy, and then we meet the next day, and we have a cup of coffee, and I believed that we had such a GREAT time, and we both agree upon seeing each other again and reconnecting.
But of course, that doesn’t happen. First of all, like we didn’t even exchange phone numbers, we just stuck to social media. And whenever I’d DM, I’d either not get a response, or a real delayed one. AND AT THE SAME TIME, they would interact and like my posts, making me again super confused. After a couple of weeks I gave this whole thing up..
Then, I don’t know what got into me even, but spring this year, I DMed again, and opened up a bit, telling them that I had a great time with them that time (over a year ago…), and that I had noticed how they don’t respond to my DMs. I was trying to confess and wanted some form of rejection so that I could completely move on, I think. They answered and told me that they had been meaning to respond and to meet up again, but because of covid, they hadn’t, then they also said that we would totally meet when the city opened up again. Of course, this hasn’t happened. And when I suggested us gaming together (because of course both of us are gamers) they came up with excuses for why we couldn’t.
Now the last time we DMed, was in the fall, when I sent a picture of our old study spot, and they responded instantly. They even asked me a question, and when I responded, they didn’t reply.. As always.. I mean, if someone doesn’t really respond and basically keeps on ghosting, isn’t that just a response in of itself? Despite them being nice when I reach out first, isn’t that just them being nice?
I just want to get over this person, and at the same time, I want us to be together! I want to confess my feelings and be rejected, but at the same time I feel like they have already rejected me on so many occasions! Is this not just me not taking the hint? I want to start dating again, but I don’t want to date anyone who isn’t my crush (and don’t even get me started on why, because they are so perfect, and I’ve convinced myself that I can never find someone like them, or that I should at least try to find someone like them)
I’m out of my wits end.
Dr NerdLove, please help me!
— Lovesick, Actually