oneitis Archives - Page 2 of 4 - Paging Dr. NerdLove

Paging Dr. NerdLove Episode #27 – Dealing With Oneitis

May 4, 2017 by Dr. NerdLove 3 Comments

Many people deal with an issue known as “Oneitis” – the overwhelming belief that a person- usually a woman, but not always – is The One, with a capital-T and a capital O. The defining issue with Oneitis isn’t the relationship so much as the unwillingness to let that relationship go. Oneitis occurs when that one person is so special and so amazing that you can’t – or won’t – move on and start letting yourself fall for somebody else. As a result, you end up causing yourself no small amount of unnecessary pain… and hold yourself back from relationships that would make you happy and fulfilled.

But if you want to get over Oneitis, you have to deal with the cause, not the symptom. Until you deal with the roots of why people get stuck on their One, you won’t be able to let them go.

Show Highlights:

What sufferers of Oneitis have in common
Why Oneitis causes so much needless pain and suffering
Why 500 Days of Summer is the greatest example of what not to do
The source of Oneitis
Why this one quirk of psychology makes it so hard to get over somebody

… and so much more.

Related Links:

Do You Suffer From Oneitis?

Where Do You Get Your Validation?

Leveling Up: Developing an Abundance Mentality

Eliminating Neediness

How To Get Over Her

Don’t forget to subscribe and review us on iTunes and on Stitcher.

Want more dating advice? Check out my books at www.www.doctornerdlove.com/books

Ask Dr. NerdLove: Is It The Red Pill or Nothing?

November 4, 2016 by Dr. NerdLove 142 Comments

Hi there Doc! I’ve been reading your blog for some time but really could use some personal advice.

So, I’m 22 years old and horrible with women. A couple of years ago I stumbled upon the PUA/Redpill/Seduction community and it has caused me to become horribly depressed. What I read on the Internet tells me, that the kind of relationship I would like to have does not exist.

I want a girlfriend/wife, who wants me because of who I am and not because of the person I “act to be”. I’m not an alpha. I respect women and want a girlfriend who respect me as well. The internet tells me all these things. I shouldn’t make her my priority, I shouldn’t give her too much attention, I shouldn’t make her “feel secure” and “be ready to walk out at any minute”. I don’t want that. I want a girlfriend who is also my best friend. If she is wearing a gorgeous dress, I want to tell her how beautiful she looks in it. I want to tell her I love her. I want to tell her how much she means to me.

According to the internet, thats “so beta”. After reading PUA/Dating advice blogs, I’m horribly depressed about the “fact” that I will never have the kind of relationship I want. I want a stable, long lasting relationship but that seems almost impossible to have nowadays. At some point I want to be able to say: “This is it. This is a woman I can imagine spending my life with. I’m done dating.”. Now, I don’t believe that there is THE ONE I need to find. I’m sure there are millions of possible partners that I could be happy with. But I want only one of them and be happy for a long time. I don’t care about sex all that much and spending time together talking, cuddling, doing stuff together is way more important to me.

If you’ve got some advice for me, please help me! I beg you to help me. My counselor doesn’t really seem to understand where I’m coming from, but maybe you do.

Beta Testing

[Read more…]

Ask Dr. NerdLove: How Do I Find More Friends?

September 9, 2016 by Dr. NerdLove 35 Comments

Dear Dr. NerdLove,

So I’ll be upfront: this isn’t a question about love. Well, it is affecting my love life, but it’s making friends that I’m worried about. I feel like love can come after that.

The thing is, I think I’m boring. Whenever I’m talking to people there are these long silences, which I personally don’t mind (I’m happy just to be around other people) but I don’t think other people feel the same. They will often try to fill these silences by showing me memes on their phone or giving me some music to listen to, which I’m usually just not that interested in. I’m more interested in talking and just enjoying the other person’s company.

In fact, I’m just not interested in most things people want me to be interested in. Get me started on anime, writing, or computers and I probably annoy people with how much I’m talking, but it seems like most people just aren’t into that. They’re all about youtube, memes, the latest movie, music, or something else that I just don’t find that interesting.

People never invite me out, either. They never text me first, even if it’s just to tell me about something funny that happened. And always being the one to text first makes me feel like they’re not interested. I want people to put a little effort into being my friend, but no-one does. It seems like I always have to do all the work and it makes me feel really unwanted, to the point that I usually just give up on being their friend. I even deleted a few people’s numbers and haven’t heard a thing from them since.

That’s not to say people have never invited me out. They have. Usually it’s once or twice, though, before they decide I’m boring and never invite me out again. Next thing I know I’m hearing about these parties(often times on snapchat or from coworkers) and I know people are hanging out, but I just never get invited.

Most of my interests are, admittedly, solitary ones. I enjoy writing, watching anime, and I’ve recently gotten into programming. I play video games too, but lately that’s kind of rare; I’m simply too busy with school, work, and learning how to program. I’ve tried to meet people at school and work, but that’s where my boring personality screws me over.

I’ve even considered the possibility that I might be autistic, because I just seem to legitimately struggle with relationships and some other symptoms have struck home as well. But I don’t have money to see a therapist, so that isn’t an option right now.

I really want to make friends, though, even if I need to change something about myself. Is there anything I can do? Please help me if you can.

– Friend In Need

[Read more…]

Ask Dr. NerdLove: Should I Friend Zone An Inconvenient Crush?

September 2, 2016 by Dr. NerdLove 73 Comments

Dear Dr. NerdLove,

I’m in my late twenties, married, and very happy with my relationship. Both my spouse and I have a best friend we’ll call Keith. Keith has been our BFF for over 10 years, and I love him so very much. He’s befriended my spouse and I right after we started dating – so I’ve never been single around him, and he’s witnessed the whole gamut of my spouse’s and my relationship: falling in love, having arguments, making up, getting engaged, getting married, buying a house, etc. He’s a big part of our life: he hangs out with us almost every day, we go on vacations and trips together occasionally, we’ve leaned on each other for emotional support though job losses and family deaths, etc. Point is, he’s a REALLY important friend to both my spouse and I.

The “problem” is… I’m pretty sure Keith is in love with me. Like, for real in love. He’s basically admitted it, in a long round-about way. He doesn’t date, he hasn’t had a significant relationship (more than 2 weeks or so) in the 10+ years I’ve known him. He’s open about how attractive he finds me, and that I’m the “kind of” woman he wants. And while he is just as kind and close to my spouse, he has told me privately many times that he thinks I’m just the bees knees.

Now, let me be clear that my spouse and I have no problem with poly relationships and we’ve even discussed the fact that both of us would be OPEN to it if the right person came along (we’re both bisexual, if it matters). But neither of us are attracted, sexually, to Keith at all.

I don’t know if there’s a “problem” here – Keith isn’t pressuring me to leave my spouse nor has he explicitly asked to be romantic with him (with or without my spouse’s approval). But I’m beginning to worry he’s hung up on me and won’t move on to someone else. Every time he tries to date, it never seems to work out. A lot of times it seems like the other girl’s fault, but I’m only hearing one side of the story. From my perspective it doesn’t seem like he spends much time on grooming or pursuing them because he’s far more interested in hanging out with us. He compares all other women in his life to me, I’m afraid.

(which I just have to point out, I have no idea why. I’m not trying to sound conceited)

I know he’s not asexual. I know he wants a girlfriend or boyfriend. I know he’s lonely (he talks about!) I KNOW he would want a partner if the right one came along. But I know firsthand how hard it is to move on when you’re REALLY hung up on someone else.

I don’t want to feel like I’m keeping him “on the hook” – I’ve never tried to give him any signals that we’ll ever be more than friends. But I’m just worried sick he’ll never be happy with someone else if he’s pining over me.

Part of me thinks I should try to distance myself from him, you know, “be cruel to be kind” and all that, but I love him (platonically) so much!!! He’s my best friend, and I know I’m his. Should I just… let him deal with it and stay out of it?

Help?

Putting the ‘Friend’ in Friendzone

[Read more…]

How To Get Over Her

May 16, 2016 by Dr. NerdLove 212 Comments

Breakups and rejection are an inevitable part of dating. It doesn’t matter whether you’re absurdly hot or not, whether you’ve never had a date in your life or your social life puts Hugh Hefner’s to shame; you’re going to get your heart broken at some point or another. You’re going to be miserable. You’re going to feel like the one shot you had at love has gone and now you’re destined to never know anything other than pain. And one of the things that people are going to tell you over and over again is: “Dude, you need to get over her.”

"Damn, I knew I was forgetting something!" — “Damn, I *knew* I was forgetting something!”

Of course, if it were just so simple to get over someone, everyone would do it, right? Nobody’d be getting cases of Oneitis and getting hung up on their exes and we’d all just be laughing and dancing through fields of wildflowers, blissfully leaving the ruins of our hopes and dreams behind, tra la tra la.

Except… yeah, it is pretty simple. It’s not easy to get over someone, don’t get me wrong. But it is simple. The problem is that, more often than not, we’re making it harder to get over the pain. So if you’ve loved not wisely but well and had your heart torn out of your chest, it’s time to stop sabotaging your own recovery process. This isn’t going to be fun, but it is necessary It’s time to learn how to let go and get over her.

[Read more…]