Thanks to what I’ve read on your site, as well as some personal developments in my life, I have better self-esteem and feel secure about myself…most of the time anyway.
I am a 20 year old college student and right now, I feel really awful for suspecting that my best friend is sleeping with a girl I once had extreme feelings for.
Here’s a bit of context:
There’s this girl I’m friends with who I had a really big crush on. My obvious displays of affection might have annoyed her but she was actually really nice to me the day I finally worked up the courage to tell her how I felt, a year and a half ago. Obviously, she rejected me but we remained friends. Sure, I felt uncomfortable being around her in the past (especially when she talked at lengths about her past sexual partners) but I actually consider her to be one of my closest pals.
This girl is also friends with my best friend. For a while, my best friend was the only person I ever hung out with. Back when I had feelings for her, my best friend was the only person I could confide in. He knows every single feeling I’ve ever felt for this girl and knew how hard it was for me to get over her. My friend is the epitome of confidence and doesn’t mind sharing with me tips on how to boost my own self-esteem.
I admittedly have no proof that these two are sleeping with each other. I have noticed though that they send long texts to each other, my friend mentions times they hung out one-on-one and the other day, my friend made a birthday reminders list and put a “heart” next to her name.
There are a few things on my mind:
1) I feel rotten for accusing my friends.There’s a chance that I’m just getting carried away and that these two are just acting as two friends do.
2) If they are sleeping together, I couldn’t really handle them being a couple. It’d feel really awkward hanging out with them and having that picture, of them being intimate, in my head.
3) I feel really betrayed by my friend but at the same time, I realize that my friend has nothing to apologize for. It’s been almost two years since I got rejected by this girl so my statute of limitations on “who gets dibs” has certainly expired. He probably likes her for the reasons I do. Besides, this girl said she didn’t want me and I have to respect that. It’s none of my business who she is or isn’t sleeping with (I guess it also bothers me that I’m not as “over her” as I believed myself to be).
4) Maybe my real issue is that I’m jealous that my friend is a good looking guy who is super confident and easily woos girls, including the one I really wanted but couldn’t have. I know it’s wrong to compare myself to him and I shouldn’t be so insecure but it still sort of hurts that I’ll never be him and he may have burned me like this.
My big question for you Dr., is how can I maturely handle this? Am I wrong for suspecting my friends? If hypothetically, my suspicions are correct, should I tell them give them the same specific reasons for why their romance bothers me?
These are two great people I care about and I know care about me. If they are sleeping together, I know they aren’t doing this to spite me, but what’s the best way to solve this problem? I’m curious to know what you think.
Razed and Confused