online dating Archives - Page 3 of 10

Ask Dr. NerdLove: How Do I Get A Life?

June 15, 2018 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Doc, I got a question for you, what the hell is there to do in the real world?

I say this as I’ve been getting more active in talking to women (albeit at the checkout line but it’s a start) and doing some online dating.

Basically, I have absolutely no idea of what to do outside and I know that when I get a date, it is unlikely to be inside my bedroom playing video games, it’s going to be outside doing something, but I have no idea of what to do outside.

I have an interest in typical nerdy stuff, and have wanted to try LARPing but that shit doesn’t get you dates, useless shit like concerts (the only use in them is selling massively overpriced food, drink or merchandise), coffee dates where you try not to fall asleep, anything hipster where they use antiquated machinery to simulate having a personality, going to bars and paying for drinks then not having your date talk to you again, that’s the shit that most dates are made of.

I’ll admit, this is only stuff I’ve seen in TV shows and movies, but I still have no freaking idea of how to approach actually going on a date with someone, and am considering a life in a monastery ( that’s a lie, I’m too obsessed with machinery for that to ever work)

Also, how the hell do people spend their time without a computer or a phone anyway? I used to love reading and still do but the idea of just reading in a cafe terrifies me for the chance of some twilight-reading dick head to dump a cup of hot coffee over me, or a jock to punch me in the head, or getting ridiculed for reading,

Also I refuse to take my laptop to a coffee shop for the chances of it getting stolen, broken and the fact of I need to build a life outside of it.

Now the gyms a darn good idea, especially as my current diet involves a crap load of Pepsi and little water , I’ve also been trying to get more into philosophy and Buddhism just to make me more well rounded.

I think charity work could also do some good, particularly for a mental health charity, they could use some tech help or just carting around boxes, something to put on the resume.

Doc, I guess I’ll also have to accept that my dreams will never come true, like building giant robots or living on Mars or piloting giant robots or defending the earth from an alien invasion , I was born too early for that. I was holding out hope for that for a long time.

My question is, how can I get a normal life which sucks, as it’s an upgrade to my current one. I’m still young (20s) so that helps.

Blue (almost) Alien

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Ask Dr. NerdLove: How Do I Get Started In BDSM?

June 4, 2018 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hi Dr. NerdLove –

My husband wants to experiment in BDSM play, specifically being dominated. I’m on board with this but he either won’t or can’t tell me what he wants. I’ve tried suggesting different ideas but he says no to all of them. I think he hope that I’ll just do some stuff that he’ll like. How can I make him understand that none of this can happen without having some frank conversations about expectations, rolls and boundaries? I need some guidance!

Domme In Distress

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Ask Dr. NerdLove: Did Someone Sabotage My Date?

May 25, 2018 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hi Doc-

I’ve written you before and found your advice to be quite helpful! I have a situational question today and would love your eyes on it.

I recently connected with someone I’ve met briefly in the past over a dating app and hit off the conversation with her. Let’s call her Alpha. We set up a time to grab some drinks last Friday, but she canceled the day-of citing a work event she forgot she needed to attend. Not problem though, she offered to meet up either later that weekend or next week.

I mentioned that I was going to be attending a neighborhood music/art festival the next day offering to meet up if she was around. She responded enthusiastically saying how she’d like to meet up!

I text Alpha the day of the event asking if she’d like to meet up and where she was and… nothing. Frustrated, I let it sit. She finally got back to me Sunday night explaining what she ended up doing that day/evening. I noticed the mention of her friend she went to another event with- let’s call her Epsilon.

Epsilon’s name kept sticking out when it dawned on me, I went on a date with an Epsilon who happened to work at the same (extremely large) company. In fact, I met Epsilon the same night I connected with Alpha at a large party and we went home together- yikes! The date we shared wasn’t great and, after sensing that Epsilon wasn’t interested in a second date, we never connected again. A quick peek over on Alpha’s Instagram and, yep, there the two of them are!

So, surely Epsilon mentioned all of this to Alpha, hence the sudden radio-silence that I experienced last weekend. My frustration comes from having no chance to make a case for myself. I have no clue what Epsilon said about me, but it clearly wasn’t positive. I think Alpha and I would have a fun time on a date, but I’m stuck throwing in the towel before I even start the first round.

I don’t go on enough dates for this to be a common occurrence, so this is particularly weird. My question is, is anything salvageable here? Is there a chance to reconnect with Alpha in the future, or do I “take the L” and move along?

Sincerely,

Three’s A Crowd

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Ask Dr. NerdLove: Did Sharing My Fantasies Kill Our Sex Life?

January 12, 2018 by Dr. NerdLove 130 Comments

Hey Doc,

I’m a 32 year old man and my fiancé is a 30 year old woman. She has an 11 year old daughter from a previous relationship. We have been together for 5 years (on and off) but are really happy in every part of our relationship except our sex life.

We broke up for about 6 months about a year and a half ago and we both saw other people in that time. We both realised that we really wanted to be with each other and got back together.

I think the time apart changed us for the better and the worse. We both knew that we didn’t want to be in a relationship with anyone else but we came back kind of determined to live our lives how we wanted as we’d seen another side.

I really find her very attractive but after the first few months of being back together and having that honeymoon period again, we went through a rough sexual patch. I was hiding my true sexual needs from her and I was getting frustrated at the vanilla sex. I eventually opened up to her and funnily enough she opened up to me too. We both had similar fantasies so I presumed that we would then go on to act them out together.

The fantasies are; stag and vixen (Hotwife), threesome MMF, foursome MMFM, “cheating” etc etc. You get the idea. I was pleased!!!!

We spoke about it and I got excited. Then it turned out she didn’t want to make it a reality, she didn’t even want to compromise by pretending. She won’t role play, talk dirty, even pretend by text message that she’s into it… just to give me something. She will happily think about it to herself, watch porn about it to herself…. but any involvement with me is being “fake” or setting it up. She wants spontaneity, but not in that way. For instance, if I started talking about while we have sex she’ll get angry and tell me it’s a turn off.

I feel like I’d meet her kinky needs but she won’t try to meet mine, although she actually secretly likes what I’m into.

She wants to have sex to cum. That’s it. Not to have fun. Not to grow closer. She wants me to be “a man” and get on with it. Get hard, fuck her, cum, then go to sleep. There’s no room for play. Experimentation.

Don’t forget we are engaged and I very much love this woman. I just don’t want have to have “boring” sex that doesn’t turn me on, when I feel like we could be having so much more fun.

We’ve gone down to sex a couple of times a month because I just can’t get excited about it. I lose my erection because to be honest it’s just so predictable that I switch off.

I read your article on sexual compatibility and it says you should compromise, but she’s not willing to do it. She said if I want that in my sex life then I should find someone else because she’s not like that. Which means I just put up with it…. but then I’m made to feel like I’m not into sex because I don’t get aroused just because she’s naked. She thinks that’s enough. I should be gagging to bang her.

What do I do? Is it me? Is it her? Is it both of us?? It’s very confusing because this is my entire life. I don’t want to throw away my relationship because of miscommunication or misunderstanding, or even social pressure to be normal!!

Thank you in advance.

Frustrated Fantasist

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Ask Dr. NerdLove: How Can I Help My Single Bro?

November 24, 2017 by Dr. NerdLove 50 Comments

Hey Doc,

I’ve written you a few times and you’ve been kind enough to give me insight, but this time I’m not asking for me, personally, but my brother, who seems to be going through a rough cycle in the dating world, and I’m not sure how I can best, if not help, at least support him.

So, to start with, my brother is probably one of the smartest people I know. He’s an undergrad doing grad work & research at one of Texas’s best universities, and keeps himself well read on a variety of topics outside his specialty. Personality-wise, he has his asshole moments, but is mostly a pretty good guy, and people really seem to love him. If that wasn’t enough, he’s absurdly face-pretty, which, not gonna lie, kinda makes me hate him some days (lol, but that’s another column). So he really has no trouble attracting the attention of both men or women (he’s bi/gay-but-makes-exceptions/doesn’t like labels).

Now, to hear him tell it, he’s not even that invested in the idea of dating anyone. He’s “If it happens, cool, but I got a lot going on otherwise”. And I honestly believe that, or at least believe that he believes that.

This issue is that he pretty regularly does get approached by someone, and they start dating, and he starts to get invested, and open to the idea of moving into something serious, and then they always seem to shoot him a text asking if they can keep it casual, or just be friends.

He’s told me he feels like he starts to bore people after a while, because (while I mentioned he’s well versed in multiple areas), he’s really only passionate about math and one or two other things, and even when the other person is, for instance, someone he met in class, who shares at least that interest, he’ll feel like he doesn’t have anything to contribute elsewhere. To add to it, his time is so full of homework/research work, that even if he had the interest cultivate more “frivolous hobbies” (his words, and he doesn’t really have the interest to do so), he definitely doesn’t have the time.

I’ve told him that right there is probably going to be his biggest problem, and he recognizes that, and admits it’s true, but he falls back on the, “I’m okay not dating anyone” excuse as to why it’s not a priority to change.

Then he still seems frustrated when the cycle happens again. Lately it seems to be getting worse, especially, with two women who were both driven, intelligent, and he could make math jokes with, but still ended up eventually giving him the “not ready for a relationship” line.

To make it more awkward to even talk about this, he’s one of those people who HATES showing vulnerability and that he’s been hurt, so he tends to shut down and just try to act like it doesn’t bother him when this happens instead of actually talking it out. (Just for the records, this isn’t so much a toxic masculinity issue as it is a symptom of childhood abuse, again, a whole other column on that conversation. We’ve both done therapy, both are working on it).

So, after it’s all said and done, I’d really like to know if there’s anything I can do besides let him vent when he works himself up to letting that side of himself open up to me.

Part of me thinks I need to do the tough love thing, and just tell him to stop dating, or stop being boring if he thinks that’s his issue, or to grow up and actually have an argument with the people he dates instead of withdrawing and let it simmer under the surface. Admit he does want to someone in his life, and figure out what he can change to make that happen, especially considering he’s already 85% there just by having his life together so much that people keep seeing him as someone to start dating.

Any thoughts?

Sincerely,
Sympathetic Bro

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