online dating Archives - Page 3 of 10

Ask Dr. NerdLove: Did Sharing My Fantasies Kill Our Sex Life?

January 12, 2018 by Dr. NerdLove 130 Comments

Hey Doc,

I’m a 32 year old man and my fiancé is a 30 year old woman. She has an 11 year old daughter from a previous relationship. We have been together for 5 years (on and off) but are really happy in every part of our relationship except our sex life.

We broke up for about 6 months about a year and a half ago and we both saw other people in that time. We both realised that we really wanted to be with each other and got back together.

I think the time apart changed us for the better and the worse. We both knew that we didn’t want to be in a relationship with anyone else but we came back kind of determined to live our lives how we wanted as we’d seen another side.

I really find her very attractive but after the first few months of being back together and having that honeymoon period again, we went through a rough sexual patch. I was hiding my true sexual needs from her and I was getting frustrated at the vanilla sex. I eventually opened up to her and funnily enough she opened up to me too. We both had similar fantasies so I presumed that we would then go on to act them out together.

The fantasies are; stag and vixen (Hotwife), threesome MMF, foursome MMFM, “cheating” etc etc. You get the idea. I was pleased!!!!

We spoke about it and I got excited. Then it turned out she didn’t want to make it a reality, she didn’t even want to compromise by pretending. She won’t role play, talk dirty, even pretend by text message that she’s into it… just to give me something. She will happily think about it to herself, watch porn about it to herself…. but any involvement with me is being “fake” or setting it up. She wants spontaneity, but not in that way. For instance, if I started talking about while we have sex she’ll get angry and tell me it’s a turn off.

I feel like I’d meet her kinky needs but she won’t try to meet mine, although she actually secretly likes what I’m into.

She wants to have sex to cum. That’s it. Not to have fun. Not to grow closer. She wants me to be “a man” and get on with it. Get hard, fuck her, cum, then go to sleep. There’s no room for play. Experimentation.

Don’t forget we are engaged and I very much love this woman. I just don’t want have to have “boring” sex that doesn’t turn me on, when I feel like we could be having so much more fun.

We’ve gone down to sex a couple of times a month because I just can’t get excited about it. I lose my erection because to be honest it’s just so predictable that I switch off.

I read your article on sexual compatibility and it says you should compromise, but she’s not willing to do it. She said if I want that in my sex life then I should find someone else because she’s not like that. Which means I just put up with it…. but then I’m made to feel like I’m not into sex because I don’t get aroused just because she’s naked. She thinks that’s enough. I should be gagging to bang her.

What do I do? Is it me? Is it her? Is it both of us?? It’s very confusing because this is my entire life. I don’t want to throw away my relationship because of miscommunication or misunderstanding, or even social pressure to be normal!!

Thank you in advance.

Frustrated Fantasist

[Read more…]

Ask Dr. NerdLove: How Can I Help My Single Bro?

November 24, 2017 by Dr. NerdLove 50 Comments

Hey Doc,

I’ve written you a few times and you’ve been kind enough to give me insight, but this time I’m not asking for me, personally, but my brother, who seems to be going through a rough cycle in the dating world, and I’m not sure how I can best, if not help, at least support him.

So, to start with, my brother is probably one of the smartest people I know. He’s an undergrad doing grad work & research at one of Texas’s best universities, and keeps himself well read on a variety of topics outside his specialty. Personality-wise, he has his asshole moments, but is mostly a pretty good guy, and people really seem to love him. If that wasn’t enough, he’s absurdly face-pretty, which, not gonna lie, kinda makes me hate him some days (lol, but that’s another column). So he really has no trouble attracting the attention of both men or women (he’s bi/gay-but-makes-exceptions/doesn’t like labels).

Now, to hear him tell it, he’s not even that invested in the idea of dating anyone. He’s “If it happens, cool, but I got a lot going on otherwise”. And I honestly believe that, or at least believe that he believes that.

This issue is that he pretty regularly does get approached by someone, and they start dating, and he starts to get invested, and open to the idea of moving into something serious, and then they always seem to shoot him a text asking if they can keep it casual, or just be friends.

He’s told me he feels like he starts to bore people after a while, because (while I mentioned he’s well versed in multiple areas), he’s really only passionate about math and one or two other things, and even when the other person is, for instance, someone he met in class, who shares at least that interest, he’ll feel like he doesn’t have anything to contribute elsewhere. To add to it, his time is so full of homework/research work, that even if he had the interest cultivate more “frivolous hobbies” (his words, and he doesn’t really have the interest to do so), he definitely doesn’t have the time.

I’ve told him that right there is probably going to be his biggest problem, and he recognizes that, and admits it’s true, but he falls back on the, “I’m okay not dating anyone” excuse as to why it’s not a priority to change.

Then he still seems frustrated when the cycle happens again. Lately it seems to be getting worse, especially, with two women who were both driven, intelligent, and he could make math jokes with, but still ended up eventually giving him the “not ready for a relationship” line.

To make it more awkward to even talk about this, he’s one of those people who HATES showing vulnerability and that he’s been hurt, so he tends to shut down and just try to act like it doesn’t bother him when this happens instead of actually talking it out. (Just for the records, this isn’t so much a toxic masculinity issue as it is a symptom of childhood abuse, again, a whole other column on that conversation. We’ve both done therapy, both are working on it).

So, after it’s all said and done, I’d really like to know if there’s anything I can do besides let him vent when he works himself up to letting that side of himself open up to me.

Part of me thinks I need to do the tough love thing, and just tell him to stop dating, or stop being boring if he thinks that’s his issue, or to grow up and actually have an argument with the people he dates instead of withdrawing and let it simmer under the surface. Admit he does want to someone in his life, and figure out what he can change to make that happen, especially considering he’s already 85% there just by having his life together so much that people keep seeing him as someone to start dating.

Any thoughts?

Sincerely,
Sympathetic Bro

[Read more…]

Post Mortem: Why Do Women Have All The Advantages In Dating?

November 13, 2017 by Dr. NerdLove 409 Comments

As my long-term readers know, I get a lot of letters from readers for my weekly Q&A “Ask Dr. NerdLove” both here and over at Kotaku. But, occasionally, I’ll get a letter from a reader that requires a deeper and more thorough dive than the usual request for advice. Sometimes the answer is more nuanced than normal or requires cutting through a Gordian knot of related issues. These are the Post-Mortems, where we dissect a letter and dig through the remains in order to get to the heart of the issue.

Post-mortems are rarely pretty. Many times, we’re having to liberally apply the Chair Leg of Truth to a lifetime of beliefs. But, while the love may be tough, at the end we’re going to know exactly what went wrong and how we can do better next time. So scrub up and snap on the gloves; it’s time to get all up in them guts.

[Read more…]

Ask Dr. NerdLove: Tinder Stresses Me Out

August 25, 2017 by Dr. NerdLove 49 Comments

Dear Dr NerdLove,

I am a 26-year-old male who has never had a girlfriend and is a virgin. I realize this might seem weird, but various circumstances (being shy in my teenage years, not feeling ready, being busy with university, etc.) put me into this situation. Also, deep down I might subconsciously have thought “nobody would like someone as me, so why even bother?”

Reading your book and listening to your podcast made me realize that indeed there is a chance for everyone if they are just willing to take it. When 2016 turned to 2017, I made a promise to myself that I would actively make an effort to meet new girls and seek out a girlfriend. I started with Tinder and a few other dating apps and quickly realized that it wouldn’t be easy. I did not expect tons of matches, but nonetheless I had hoped for a bit more.

Using dating apps has been quite stressful, because I get so few matches (maybe a few every second week or so), but THEN it’s not guaranteed that the girls will actually answer me — ghosting has been a big issue for me.

I have tried with various opening lines such as “If you were a superhero, what super powers would you have?”, “If you had a time machine, where would you go?” I even tried out your “Soo … ninjas or pirates”, but only got a few vague responses. It seems so arbitrary. And the waiting part is the worst.

Anyway, since January I have actually managed to get on a date with four girls (just casually walking/talking in a park for a few hours). Since I have never dated anybody before, this is 400% more than I’ve ever done in my entire life, but still, I would have liked to be one more than four dates during these ~8 months since I started. With the first three girls there were no chemistry whatsoever (but hey, I learned a few things about how to date!), but then there were this fourth girl who turned out to be really nice and had a lot of common interests with me. When I walked home, I had a really good feeling. Sadly, when I later texted her saying “thank you for a good date; would you like to meet again?”, she told me that I was a nice guy but she didn’t really feel it. I was devastated, since to me it feel so close to actually have a chance for a real relationship. But knowing about the oneitis has helped me to move on.

So … I am not sure what actual advice I am seeking other than “hang in there!”. I know that there are other ways to meet women, but I have found that going to clubs and bars is not for me, since I feel a bit awkward at such places, especially if there is loud music. I find it really difficult to casually walk up to a girl and initialize a conversation. It’s way easier for me online.

I have done many things to improve my dating profiles, both with my pictures and my bio text. I have asked for feedback both from friends and strangers online. I also used Photofeeler.com to get a better idea of my profile pictures (I am maybe slightly-below average-looking). I also went to a forum for women and asked what they thought about my pictures. I was told that I looked like a nice, cute guy — but I looked more like a friend that they would want to hug instead of having a romantic relationship with. As if they can see my inexperience with dating in the way I look.

I never thought that finding a girlfriend would be easy, but I am feeling a bit depressed about the whole situation. I don’t think I am picky or anything; I just want a nice girlfriend who is friendly and wants to share her life with me, maybe travel around a bit, etc. I have tried so many dating apps and websites and the outcome is so minimal that it’s making me sad. The other day I actually thought about making a “Hello, would you date me?” image and share it on Facebook, hoping that somehow I would meet a girl through a common friend or something. I am in a stage where I cannot judge if this seems to desperate and would actually harm me instead.

What should I do?

Kind regards,

A guy who just wants a nice girlfriend

[Read more…]

Paging Dr. NerdLove Episode #40 – How To Write A Perfect Online Dating Message

August 10, 2017 by Dr. NerdLove 23 Comments

Maybe this has happened to you: you get a match on Tinder or find someone on OKCupid who seems to be absolutely perfect for you. You message them… and get absolutely nothing in return. Or you might have a conversation that peters out within two to three exchanges or you’re left with shorter and shorter replies that take longer and longer to arrive.

This has been the experience of a lot of men when it comes to online dating. And it can be incredibly frustrating to feel like you’re putting in all that effort for absolutely no return and have no idea why.

More often than not, it’s because you’re slipping up in one critical area – your first message doesn’t tweak their interest. Your first message to somebody on a dating site is going to be what makes someone decide whether they want to take a chance on talking to you, so you need to know how to make it count.

Show Highlights: