online dating Archives

Why Is She Good Enough to Flirt With, But Not Good Enough to Date?

September 20, 2021 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hi, Doc!

I (F, straight, cis, 29) am really fucking furious about something and I think I need a guy with lots of male-female insight to talk me off the ledge.

In a therapy session last night with my AMAZING sex therapist (whom I decided to start seeing a few months ago to work out some hangups I had about racial identity, body image, and sexuality), we sort of came to a bummer of a conclusion about a consistent dating hiccup I have.

Basically, I run into this problem where I’ll meet a guy, we’ll be flirty and friendly and I think maybe it could go somewhere, and then as soon as I make any sort of half-move beyond benign flirtation, he backs off with lightning speed. It’s really uncanny. And very disappointing and frustrating.

After recounting my most recent experience with this behavior and explaining how insane it is that this keeps happening and how it’s really starting to weigh on me, I wondered aloud if it could have anything to do with the fact that many of the guys in my social circles are White and I’m Black (biracial, actually), and on top of that, I’m fat (actually the national average, but that’s considered fat by cultural standards). I posited that these guys don’t even see me as a viable romantic option at all, just a “non-threatening” female that they can get something from without putting in any effort themselves–someone they don’t have to try with. Considering some of my male “friends” (I use the term loosely because of what I’m about to explain) are actually in relationships or married and still flirt with me and conveniently omit any mention of their partners when we spend time together (always platonically; I would never start something with a guy in a relationship), this seems like it could definitely be the reason. Their partners, if they did find out how these men talk to me (definitely in a way they wouldn’t interact with male friends), probably wouldn’t like it if I were a conventionally attractive White woman, but because I look the way I look they deem their flirtation harmless and safe.

I should also say that it’s not particularly difficult to find men who want to have sex with me, but as soon as anything more than that is on the table they put their hands up and back away like I might permanently injure them. Anyway, my therapist, who is also a Black woman, agreed that all of the above is totally a realistic possibility. I think hearing that from someone who looks like me, and not just a platitude of “No, you’re amazing, any guy would be lucky to have you, I honestly don’t understand why guys aren’t tripping over themselves and each other to get to you” (which I hear a lot from my female friends who don’t looks like me), was simultaneously refreshing and very depressing.

The thing is, there’s a PERSON on the other end of that flirtation. I think I’m pretty good at discerning the difference between casual flirting and something more pointed, and the times I’ve tried to nudge things in a more romantic direction have been the latter. I don’t think I’m hopeless at reading cues. These guys like getting attention from me and seem to enjoy my company. Until I indicate that I might actually want something from them, and then they WITHOUT FAIL gaslight me into thinking there was absolutely no flirtation or intent on their end. (I should say that the gaslighting happens when I call them out on it, which I don’t do often because every time I have I get the exact same shady-ass response. And, by the way, I have witnesses who attest to these guys’ flirtatious behavior.)

I hope what I’ve outlined so far is comprehensible. I’m clearly a ball of angry, anxious, sad, lonely energy. I don’t even know if I have a question, but I’d love to hear your take on why men do this and whether you think I’m totally crazy for being so fucking over it all. I’m so sick of being treated like my feelings don’t matter, and then being told that the things I’m feeling were based on nothing to begin with. I’m a writer by profession, so maybe I just need to write a book about this or something so people will believe me and maybe even start holding men more accountable. I don’t know. I feel like my anger about this is making me bitter and less open to the men who I’m sure do exist out there who would be open to–or even thrilled!–to date me. I don’t want to close myself off to them, but experiencing this same exciting-then-ultimately-disappointing interaction over and over is really starting to break me.

Thanks in advance,
Black Ladies Have Feelings Too

P.S. My amazing sex therapist also brought up the good point that it would be worth expanding my social circles, and I agree. That said, I’m stuck in my city for work and obviously the pandemic has put a damper on major socializing efforts. I do have a very diverse group of friends, but our industry is pretty overwhelmingly White and image-conscious. (Can you guess which industry I’m talking about?) I also don’t date using apps anymore because I have done that a TON in the past and I’m burnt out; plus, they’re super racist and that makes me feel very icky and I’m allowed to choose to avoid situations that make me feel that way.

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When Do I Tell Women About My Unusual Hobbies?

September 17, 2021 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hello Doc,

I’m a 43 year old single dad who has a lot on his plate right now. Probably too much, at least the way I see it, to pursue a serious relationship. I’m also a late bloomer, so in my case dates and sexual encounters have been rare, other than the one relationship I’ve been in, which surprisingly to me lasted over seven years.

At present I’ve been single for close to eight and in this time period I’ve been on five dates which didn’t lead to anything and sex (yes, it was with my ex) has happened two or three times. Also, I’ll mention that most of my experience has been from online dating, which may or may not hold relevance to the issue at hand in this letter.

I keep snakes (6) and tarantulas (5) as pets. I also have a cat, but cats usually aren’t an issue with most women I’ve met. The other ones though… Oh my. I’ve had several women abruptly quit messaging me because of them. I mean immediately after mentioning them when they ask about my hobbies and passions. I understand why. Not many women in my age group want to date the crazy snake man. Not to intentionally quote Chandler from Friends. The thing is, keeping and learning about these animals has been a lifelong passion of mine. I even tried to make a career of it by studying Zoology as an undergrad, though it didn’t work out due to other problems.

So on top of the other stuff on my plate, which has led me to avoid anything serious, I have a fairly unusual hobby that makes it difficult to even pursue something casual. I don’t want to give it up. Yet snakes don’t make for good companions.

How does one bring up things like unusual hobbies in a conversation, or really anything that isn’t mainstream or maybe taboo (I have a couple uncommon kinks as well) which could easily turn someone away? To note, I’ve tried to seek out women who are into the hobby and the few I’ve met were either young enough to be my daughter or in a relationship.

I’ll add further that it’s not something that I can hide. I live in a small apartment (house hunting is something I’m working on) and the only place for their enclosures is right next to my bed.

I mean, should I even be trying at this point?

Snake Dad Guy

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Do Women REALLY Only Like One Kind of Guy?

September 10, 2021 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Ah, I see it’s that time of year again.

Normally on Fridays, I run questions for Ask Dr. NerdLove and help you — and folks like you — solve your dating dilemmas. But occasionally… well, occasionally I get a letter that requires a much deeper dive than most.

And then occasionally I get ones like today’s, which happen so regularly that you can actually measure the intervals between them and count down to when I’ll get the next.

Like the monarch butterflies traveling to Mexico and swallows returning to Capistrano, there’re some things you can always count on. For me, it’s the seasonal “but WHY DON’T YOU ADMIT WOMEN ONLY DATE ONE KIND OF MAN” letter. Usually this is brought on because an incel forum somewhere rediscovers the old OKCupid “here’s how women rate men and men rate women” poll I mentioned in “This Is Why You Think You’re Ugly”. Other times it comes about because someone has found some “exposé” — usually dubiously sourced, even more dubiously interpreted and reported — on YouTube or something that threatens to blow the doors off online dating or something.

And then these emails show up in my inbox, regular as clockwork. Normally, I just delete them because, well… what’s the point. You can’t get a dead plant to grow no matter how much you water it, and you can’t reason someone out of a position that they didn’t use reason to get into in the first place.

But then again: sometimes it’s worth breaking down the “logic” — and I use the term very loosely — to dig into the underlying issues. Not so much for the letter-writer themselves, but for everyone else, if only to talk about just how ugly some of this can get if you let it go unchecked in yourself.

So we’re gonna dig into a letter that, under normal circumstances, would go straight into the trash bin.

Hell, this time I didn’t even bother cleaning up the grammar, spelling or punctuation mistakes. It’s a hoot.

Hello Doc !

I read your article “Men, This Is Why You THINK You’re Ugly” and i can’t disagree more. First because you are talking about personality and all that but .. how do you explain Tinder for example or Bumble , or any dating apps? men there don’t have any success unless they are fit , tall and handsome. women only like that type of men , no woman will have casual sex with a fat guy or a chubby guy for example , hell not even a skinny dude , as a dude YOU HAVE TO BE MUSCULAR to have success with women. it’s kinda sad that as a man you are undesirable by default to the opposite gender , hetero women don’t face any difficulty in the dating world. Being a man (average , hell even above average) is a bad deal in the west , no woman will approach you unless you have money status or you are the clone of Henry Cavill. So Doc , you are spreading false hope to your customers

How Do I Get Me Alone?

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How Do I Stop Putting “Hopeless” In Hopeless Romantic?

August 9, 2021 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hi Dr. NerdLove,

An almost 28-year old man here with a lot on his mind he’s trying to get sorted out.

I have always been a hopeless romantic with a tendency to fall head-over-heels for women, especially those I feel compatible with and it really feels like it’s something I can’t control. It gets very frustrating thinking like this and then realizing I may never find the right woman for me. It’s a habit I’d really like to break because it’s very painful to want romantic love so bad and realize nobody may ever love you as much as you love them, if they even love you at all.

I am still a virgin who has never been in a mature, adult relationship for a variety of reasons. I never felt like it was the right time after I graduated college and did a series of temp jobs, and I had a serious mental illness that went undiagnosed for over a decade and led to a couple stays in the psychiatric ward before we could get me onto proper medication and treatment that has significantly reduced my symptoms. Even still I had to resign from my last two jobs because my illness interfered with my ability to work as part of a team or meet workplace standards.

As I write this, I am currently unemployed, having just resigned from my last job 5 days prior. I’m taking some time off to try and understand myself better so I’m not in a situation like this again where the symptoms of my illness are aggravated to such a point where I fly off the handle and hurt, scare, or offend my coworkers, even unintentionally. I’m trying to find a therapist to work through a lot of these issues with, but it’s so frustrating because they all seem to have no openings for new clients.

In the meantime, all I can think about is how I’m getting older, how women older than me (who I am open to dating) want someone more mature who is making money and is in a stable place in his life and how women younger than me probably want a man with more experience than I have to offer and may not want to date someone even a couple years older than they are .

I have tried to reframe my situation but I always seem to fall back in the same rut – “no woman I have feelings for will ever have feelings for me”, “I am past my prime/expired goods”, and “if a woman stays in a relationship with me, she will leave at the first sign of trouble/when she realizes how much baggage and trauma I carry”.

When I think about dating someone, thoughts like these fill my mind, and I know that having those thoughts could very well end up being a self-fulfilling prophecy because I might be more likely to date women who do act in those ways, leading to a vicious cycle.

And then, there’s another “issue”. I do not ever want to have children, and I would rather be single for the rest of my life than with a woman who wants kids. But I feel like childfree women are few and far between and likely have a more independent streak and no desire for a relationship. I don’t know very many childfree women, but that’s just the stereotype in my head.

All these things come together to create a lot of mental trouble for me. “You’re too needy”, “Why can’t you quit daydreaming of the perfect woman for you?”, “You’re damaged goods”, “You have too much against you and not enough for you”. And so it goes.

It’s not like I don’t have a good life. I have an amazing and supportive family and close friends. I travel and I am a photographer. I love animals, music (I am an avid vinyl collector and singer), road trips, and sampling as much food & drink as I can get my hands on. I consider myself an intelligent, kind, generous, thoughtful, and relatively mature person who does his best to treat others with dignity, respect, and love.

I have personal and professional goals and ambitions – chief among them to start my Master’s degree next year and eventually get my doctorate and become a college professor and mental health advocate & researcher. Personally, I want to get married, buy a house, build a man cave, and potentially foster and adopt cats and dogs.

It just feels like I’m starting out very late and with the fact I don’t want kids my dating pool is pretty low already, so I am also feeling a lot of pressure to pick the “right one” as quickly as I can.

So, If I had to sum up the main question of my piece that I’d like you to answer, it’s this: How can I reframe my situation and what actions can I take to make things better?

Very Respectfully,

The Virgin Murray

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Will Moving Save Our Marriage… or Ruin It?

July 30, 2021 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Dr. NerdLove:

My husband suggested recently we move to a cheaper city so we could by a house in cash, free and clear. He also detests this area for a number of reasons, homelessness, high cost of living, etc. But the way I look at it, it would disrupt a pretty good situation we have right now, and there are other options that he refuses to consider.

We rent in a major west coast city with our adolescent daughter and two dogs. Cost of living is exorbitant and since I started my own firm it’s been a struggle to survive financially, but we have a very large reserve to tap for a few years. Also my firm is starting to show success and I’m seeing life at the end of the tunnel.

My husband has a decent contract with local government, loves his manager and has a good opportunity to get a full time job with excellent benefits. Finding a job he likes has been a major struggle the 14 years we’ve been married so the fact he loves management is huge.

Our daughter is thriving at her middle school where she’s one of the top students and beloved by many there. The school navigated the pandemic very well and our daughter made some very close friends.

So I was stunned when my husband became committed to leaving this area ASAP because he “hates what this area represents”, seeing how many people struggle with housing (he works with the homeless). I’ve tried my best to come up with alternatives:

Move later, once my firm is stable enough to make a decent monthly income. He says that may never happen and he doesn’t trust that I’ll move if it is successful.
He moves first, buys a house, either a) with our daughter or b) without our daughter and we’ll move later. That would require my finding a cheap apartment. Again he says we should stay together and he doesn’t trust I’ll move and/or having two homes defeats the purpose of saving money.
I move first to establish my firm and he stay with our daughter here. Again we’re split up and two locations.
Find a cheaper place here but it would not be as nice as we could get in another city. But this doesn’t work because he hates the area.

My husband says I’m unwilling to compromise because his true dream is to move to Europe where he’s from but will stay in the US since I can’t run my firm from there for regulatory reasons (otherwise I’d explore it). Since I don’t want to close my firm, his compromise is staying in the US. He’s furious with me for not making a definitive answer quickly and I admit I’m all over the place, saying maybe it would work and then changing my mind when I think about how:

He’d have to quit and get a new job which he’s not good at doing.
We have limited health insurance due to his contract situation but we’d have no health insurance if we move.
He only has a network in our current home city and that took him ages to cultivate since he’s introverted
His distrusting me, saying I’m not working with him and that I won’t “prove my love to risk” a move.
That he has sacrificed too much by moving here to be with me and now it’s my turn.

My issue is not the moving part, it’s the timing and his attitude—all or nothing but seems to be characterizing me as the selfish one.

Do I risk it? Am I being too fearful? The ironic point of it is that he’s recommending towns where I have lots of relationships and could possibly build a client base (although premature). I’m likely to be the best off after a move but adding an unemployed, angry husband who doesn’t trust me and a teen who is totally against moving makes it less interesting.

He’s flipped out since our discussion that went really wrong since he won’t believe I’m willing to compromise and because I throw out different options he sees that as stalling. It ended with some really awful things said.

What do I do? I don’t want to split and we are in the best financial shape now so moving out for either of us would make things even worse. I said let’s make a decision next year and he said no it has to be in 3 months.

Torn to Pieces

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