rejection Archives - Paging Dr. NerdLove

Ask Dr. NerdLove: When Does Rejection Stop Hurting?

May 13, 2019 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

What’s going on Doc,

I’m in need of some advice on how to take rejection better. Not necessarily in the moment when it happens because I feel like I’ve become a pro at that, but in the days that linger on before you’ve met someone else you’re into and the person who rejected you is still in your social orbit.

Here’s a story to illustrate what I mean:

So first things first, I’m heavily involved in the stand-up comedy scene in my hometown. I perform, help run shows, and handle a lot of the marketing. This also means that I’m a familiar face at a few of the bars in town where shows take place. Second things second, there was this woman, see…like a lot of these stories go. We go from sharing smiling glances from across the bar to breaking the ice. Some nights we’d speak with each other, other nights we’d stick to our own social groups since she doesn’t normally come to the bars I do shows at for the stand-up comedy, she just has a lot of friends who go to the same places.

Anyway, on one particular night we end up socializing in the same general group after a show until the group wittles down to just the two of us, and I then proceed to ask her on a date. She tells me that she’s in a newish relationship but is flattered by the proposal. I try my best to put any nervousness she may have at ease by cracking a few jokes; departing not too long afterwards by wishing her a good night, which she smiled ear to ear at and seemed to genuinely appreciate.

So hey, seems like a positive story right? I didn’t get what I wanted but according to my own observation she seemed to find my attempt charming and I put myself out there even though I didn’t know where I would land. I haven’t dated someone in over a year due to being, frankly, devastated from losing a job I loved (albeit in a poorly paying industry), and have slowly been regaining confidence by going back to school for a higher paying career change that is finally starting to show its upside. I respect her choices and have no intentions of asking her again or even referencing it in jest.

Thing is, the next time we were at the same bar I honestly had no damn clue how to act around her. We didn’t speak, I stuck strictly by my own friend group the entire night, in the one moment where our glances met by chance I averted my eyes immediately, and I left the bar the first chance I could after getting paid. Basically I feel like I went from being a fun guy in her presence to a walled-off coward in the space of just over a week. I think a large part of this is that I’ve taught myself to roll with the punches when it comes to women turning me down because I’m confident I can/will find someone who is into me, but on some level I’m embarrassed by being the same space with someone who I’ve been vulnerable in front of, however briefly and relatively inconsequential.

So Dr. NerdLove, I’m not overly concerned about what I should do regarding this specific girl since I’ll actually be away from my hometown for the next few months for work and hopefully any residual awkwardness will have faded by then. What I am concerned with is being embarrassed about the rejection after the fact. It certainly makes me question how cool I actually am with rejection if I have a lingering shame about it. Is there a way to cope with the fact that rejection really is just irreparably humiliating and no amount of steely confidence in the moment it happens can overcome that? Is there a lesson to be learned from my letter that anyone else could benefit from?

Barfly Affected by Emotions

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Ask Dr. NerdLove: Why Do People Say “It’s Not You, It’s Me?”

February 20, 2019 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hi there Doc,

I’m a 21 year old male, I go to college, go to work, just your normal everyday man. I need help understanding why this girl isn’t interested in me anymore.

It all started at my buddy’s house, let’s call him Alpha. Alpha and I were discussing how my dating life is going. I told him not so good, I’m looking for someone to be with. Out of nowhere he texts this girl, Chi, he knows and puts in a good word about me. She and I graduated from high-school together, but I never really gave her much thought. Turns out that she lives right behind me, so I figured “Why not, let’s give it a shot, I might have a diamond in the rough here.”

When she responded to Alpha, she said she thought I was very good looking, which was enough for me to decide contact her. I text her and we hit it off, everything’s great. We text for a couple of days and eventually I asked her out to dinner. She said yes. We went to dinner and had one hell of a good time, the chemistry seemed to work perfectly. At the end the night, we go back to my house and where we’re cuddling in bed, making out, watching movies and drinking wine through the late night. Eventually I dropped her off at her place. We both had a great time and we’re already making future plans to see each other again.

We continue texting each other morning till night for the next couple of days. We’re flirting and sharing and deep thoughts about one another via text and how good that date was. Eventually we hung out again at her house – two days ago, in fact. I show up at her house, we go up in her room, I help her with some homework and we just watch some romantic comedies on Netflix. During all of this, it feels like we have the same amount of energy and connection as we did on the first date. I meet her parents, had a great conversation, they seemed to like me. At the end of the night, I said my goodbyes and went home.

The next morning we started texting like usual, when all the sudden out of nowhere she sends me this: “I don’t want to waste your time and I think you’re such a great person, you did nothing wrong, but I’m not in the right mindset to talk to someone rn. I’m going thru a lot of stuff w myself and I don’t think I am ready for any sort of relationship. I would love to stay friends with you because I think you are such an amazing person. I am seriously so so sorry you did absolutely nothing wrong”. Immediately I start to freak out as I have become extremely emotionally invested in this girl. I’ve never had chemistry like this with anyone before. Yeah, we have only been talking for less than a week mind you but this is the first time I have been with a girl in 3 years. I have not received any sort of attention or affection from any women, so I guess you could say I was all over that like a fly on shit, I’m a sap for that stuff.

My main problem here is that everything seemed to be going picture perfect, just like out of a movie, when out of nowhere, Chi sends me that text that she isn’t interested and I’m just left here to pick up the pieces. What the hell, this always happens, I start talking to a girl we hit it off great talk about how much we like each other and at the end I always end up my fucking heart played with pardon my French. All I want at this point in time is someone I can call my own, something to come home to. Who knows maybe my mindset does not represent my current age.

I’m hoping maybe you could shed a different perspective on this.

It’s Not Her, It’s Me

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Ask Dr. NerdLove: How Do I Turn A Friend Down?

June 8, 2018 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hey Doc,

A few days back, my girlfriend bumped into someone she knew from school but hadn’t connected to since at the subway stop. They chatted for a bit, and then her train came. To her surprise, the guy got on the train with her despite the fact that it was not going in the direction that he was. During the trip, he mentioned several times how lonely he was, and how bitter and angry that makes him. In school, my girlfriend had been kind to this person after his diagnosis with Aspergers, during which time he shared that he had suicidal tendencies. Now, she’s worried that he doesn’t have anyone with whom he can share these feelings. Other than a mutual appreciation of the same TV series, they don’t have anything in common.

This evening, the person sent my girlfriend an email asking to go to a movie together. On one hand, she feels like she has a responsibility to help someone so obviously in need of companionship. On the other, she has no interest in spending any more time with the guy, and has neither the time or energy to become this person’s emotional support system, because she’ll be starting an intensive program in Engineering soon. She doesn’t want to agree to one meeting and give the impression that she wants to be his BFF, but she doesn’t want the guilt of ghosting him or turning him down and later learning that he had hurt himself or others. He doesn’t seem to take hints very well, or he wouldn’t have followed her home.

Should she give him the one hang out he wants, or should she find a way to turn him down gently? She wants my advice, but I don’t know what to say.

What About Bob?

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Ask Dr. NerdLove: My Boyfriend Is Spying On Other Women

May 7, 2018 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hi Dr. NerdLove,

I am 5 years into a relationship, and we’ve lived together for 3 of those years. During the past year, a new neighbor moved in next door. She is about a decade younger than us, and often spends time working in her backyard wearing tight short-shorts and an exercise bra. She’s truly gorgeous and model fit with bleached blonde hair. Our kitchen window is above our sink and stove, and it looks directly into her backyard.

My partner has become so distracted by her that it’s uncomfortable for me to be in my own kitchen. I do my best to go about my business and be calm – and keep the curtain closed – but I frequently catch him staring out the window, finding excuses to open the curtains, and coming up with reasons to be in the yard. I’ve even seen him standing in front of the window – with the top half of the window exposed – at night after showering, naked.

I feel a sense of dread in my stomach when I’m heading home, wondering if she’ll be out in the yard today. I’ve brought up my discomfort with my partner twice. The first time, he completely denied it. The next day, he asked me to marry him. The second time he also pretended it wasn’t happening.

I do want to have compassion for him. It must be so exciting to him to have a free show in his own kitchen. But it’s hard to hold my head high. Do you have any insight or advice on how to talk to him about this, or about what I should do?

Thank you,

Tired Of The Show [Read more…]

Ask Dr. NerdLove: Can She Trust Her Instincts?

February 2, 2018 by Dr. NerdLove 131 Comments

Hey Doc,

So I recently started a relationship, but ended it not long after. Basically there were three different instances where my instincts kept knawing at me.

Things were very lovely when they started, but then the first time this “gut” feeling surfaced is when he told me he would be leaving work at a certain time. However, hours before he would have left, I bumped into him at the store, grocery shopping. Talk about coincidences! I also noticed that he was talking away on the phone before he spotted me. I found it a little concerning because I remembered him telling me he doesn’t fancy talking on the phone, unlike myself.

We continued to talk and get close, but then my instincts tugged at me once more. This time, I was at his house, and his driver’s license happen to be lying on the night table. I saw it as soon I stepped into the room, so it was sort of inevitable. From it I discovered that he lied. His first name was correct, but his last name wasn’t what he told me and he had a middle name, despite telling me he didn’t have one. I found this very suspicious and concerning all at once. Why would he lie about such a small thing, and what could he be hiding?

I didn’t let him know what I saw and what I figured out. I had hoped he would come clean on his own, but he didn’t. Bear in mind, this man is 13 years older than me, so why play games?

The third time my instincts pulled at me once more was when I visited him. We spent some time together, but before getting intimate he told me wanted me to spend the night. I thought “sure!”, since I have before. After that period of intimacy was over, he just sat on the edge of the bed as if he was contemplating about something. Suddenly he asks me if I would be mad at him if he fed me some food and sent me home. Surprised, I asked why the sudden change of mind. His reason was that he had work in the morning, however, I had to remind him that I had spent the night before even when he had work. His second reason was that he didn’t like when I spent the night because I stay up all night, which was untrue.

This came as a shock because he made no mention or hint in that nature before, and quite frankly a very flimsy excuse.

I ate and I made my home, after which I let him know I had arrived safely. He didn’t respond, then went “ghost” for two days. Then had the audacity to message me asking if that’s it, as if I was the one who went MIA. I was upset, and he couldn’t tell me why he did that, he just could not give an answer. All he could do was say he’s sorry. We didn’t talk for very long after that.

The following day I didn’t hear from him until I opted to say good morning, to which he responded cheerfully, following that he was busy with work. Further in the afternoon I heard from him but briefly as he still continued to say how busy he was at work. I then told him I’d talk to him later on.

Hours passed, until after midnight he responded to a break up text I had sent. I was concerned because to know that the last time we exchanged words was the afternoon before, and the message he responds to is a break up message. What made it worse is that he responded very soon after. Which means he could have checked in at any time during the night, but chose not to.

After reading all this Dr. NerdLove, do you think I ended things prematurely without properly working through what was going on, or did I let it carry on for way too long?

Sincerely,

Single In The City

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