Dear Dr. Nerd Love,
Thank you for taking the time to read my email. I know you have addressed the issue of “friend zone” (and that it’s not really a thing). I completely understand that.
I recently started hanging out with a guy who we instantly connected and started spending time together multiple times a week and we’re in contact at various times throughout the day (quick phone call or text). I’d say he definitely initiated making plans more than I did and after about a month or so we were hanging out on a daily basis. The thing was this he had never once made a move or asked me to stay over. I found this rather odd and considering we are both in our 40’s, I kept wondering what is this guy waiting for? Finally one night I asked him if he wanted stay and basically made a comment about wouldn’t it be nice to sleep together… Well his response was that he thinks that I’m really attractive and he likes me a lot but he wants to go slow and be friends. A mutual friend of ours had told me that he had talked to her and said that he wants to make sure that we share the same goals and want the same thing in life. Uh ok, maybe that’s a thing. I wasn’t asking this guy to marry me, just to stay the night.
Since then, I found myself not being able to handle the reality of being rejected by someone who I felt we had a good connection. He didn’t back off, he continued to call, text, and hang out. I finally told him I needed space until I’m over my “crush” on him which that only lasted a few days before we went out to dinner. So there I was now finding myself feeling angry inside and almost resenting him for not wanting to take things further. The rejection hurt me bad and I even went as far as to tell him to lose my number and walked away.
I respect his decision and I get that if he isn’t into me that way then that’s his choice. But why bother telling me he thinks I’m attractive and he wants to continue spending time with me but not sleep together? If he doesn’t want to sleep with me then he obviously isn’t attracted to me and ya maybe he just enjoys my company like friends do. How can I make this rejection not hurt so bad? It sucks not hanging out anymore and I’m bummed now because I feel like I would had rather stayed friends than nothing at all but because I acted emotionally immature and told him to lose my number, I ruined the friendship.