Dear Dr. NerdLove:
My partner and I are non-monogamous, and I know that it would be ok for me to be with someone else, but I’m scared to.
I don’t feel this way about my partner dating and I don’t get jealous. But any time I have feelings for someone outside our relationship I get filled with self-loathing feelings. I worry over hurting my partner. I feel like a traitor. I become scared of loving someone more than them or neglecting them for someone else.
My partner encourages me and wants me to date additional people if I so choose, and I want to as well. But I don’t know how to deal with these feelings.
What do I do?
Less Than Two
My question is about forming lasting relationships rather than any initial problems meeting girls.
I was seeing this girl recently and initially things went really well – I felt there was a lot of chemistry and compatibility and we got physical very quickly. We had sex a couple of times and it seemed great at the time, and we both said that we had serious feelings for each other (though I said it first). We met up a few more times and she kept giving reasons why that night she didn’t want to get physically intimate. My friends told me not to worry but I felt something was amiss.
Finally, she came over to watch a movie and told me that, while she really liked me as a person and as a friend, she was finding it hard to be interested in me sexually.
This also happened to a girl I was dating for about three months last year – after a really happy initial period when we were always together and having lots of sex, she said she started to just view me as a friend. How can I keep women interested in me romantically past the initial hooking up phase?
Thanks for all the hard work and great articles, lots of great advice which has helped in the past – your book New Game+ has been a huge benefit to me. My question is a quick one, around how sexual desire changes when you get older.
I’ll hold my hands up and say from the get-go that I myself am very young, only 26! However, I’ve have usually been in relationships with older women (10+ years older than me). Recently, I have been in a wonderful, loving relationship with an older women over the past year or so. However, in my day to day life, I come across lots of other interesting and attractive women, many of whom are young (18-26, I work at a college). Understandably, I find many of them sexually attractive – but I struggle on a somewhat daily basis with feelings of guilt and lust, as I am noticing the age-related differences between the younger girls and my partner more frequently.
Concurrently, I was listening to podcast by Russell Brand recently, and he mentioned how he has gotten to the point of having such a rich spiritual and emotional connection with his wife that he doesn’t feel the need to put another person in between that space anymore. This got me thinking – as you age (50+, 60+, 70+), your lusts for nubile flesh and younger women (or men) must be increasingly harder to fulfill. Instead, you will need to prioritise experiencing the whole emotional and spiritual connection with another person in its entirety (rather than just wanting them for their hot ass!). I am also aware of your other blog post about how society fetishises younger women of a certain demographic, and we are living in an Instagram and porn-addicted world where our standards of sex are enormously warped.
So, tell me Doc, can you successfully lust after young, nubile partners as you age – will it make you happy, and sexually satisfied? Or should we instead prioritise only valuing the spiritual connection with another person during sex? Or can you have both?
I am a 38 year old woman that has only participated in monogamous relationships in my life. Until D. D has been a friend of mine for about 5 years and 2 months ago we both admitted that we’ve had crushes on each other for years, but we both assumed the other wasn’t interested. We started dating and for the most part this is one of the healthiest relationships I’ve ever had. So there’s only one catch.
D is polyamorous. I knew this long before we started even thinking about dating and when we first began hooking up he already had two partners. His more recent partner, N, is also poly and she took the news of me becoming part of his polycule with minimal insecurities. His other partner, J, on the other hand…
J is not polyamorous and plays a lot of head games with D. She tells him that she doesn’t mind that he’s poly but when he started seeing N and me, she guilt tripped him by telling him “I just wish I was good enough for you.” When he and I started dating she completely freaked out and insisted he call it hanging out because dating was what they do, not he and I.
This was the point where I put my foot down. I made it very clear that if I’m taking a chance on being with someone who is poly, I refuse to be part of a situation where his other partner tries to diminish and erase me. D is very bad at standing up for things that he wants, but when it became clear that I was not going to stay in this relationship if he continued to allow her to try to make me gone, he talked to her and made it clear that we are both his girlfriends and she needs to accept it if she wants to be with him. And she’ll pretend to be fine for awhile, then have another freak out where he just has to take care of her, especially when she knows he and I or he and N are spending time together.
So at this point we have an ongoing pattern of her being emotionally manipulative and sometimes even abusive in order to try and get him away from me and N. And for me its beyond frustrating. I’ve legitimately reached the point where if he brings her up I mentally cringe because I don’t know if telling him he needs to get away from her is a line I can cross as his other girlfriend. I don’t think I’m jealous of her because it doesn’t bother me at all when he talks about or spends time with N. But when I know he’s gonna be with her I get angry and nauseous. She doesn’t have to be my friend, but I deserve better then J constantly ignoring or trying to erase my value to D.
Any thoughts or advice would be really appreciated.
Polyamory Is Confusing