relationship drama Archives

Everyone But Me Is Getting Married But Me, And I Hate It

April 27, 2022 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Dear Dr. NerdLove,

I have been with my boyfriend for over 12 years. We are happily in love, our sex life is great, and we are truly best friends as well as romantic partners in life. We bought our own home together in 2020 after living together since 2010. He does not want to get married due to his parents’ messy divorce left a sour and lingering taste in his mouth. I used to daydream about being married to him because he has been there for me in the worst times and best times. He knows how to make me happy when I’m having a bad day and he loves and is loved by my entire family and friends. I look at it more of a loving commitment –not a ring and a party. I have respected his decision about not getting married and I am now OK not being married (and honestly, after seeing how loyal, loving, and committed he is to me this entire time, what’s a piece of paper going to change?)

However, recently the last 2 of our big and close friend group have gotten engaged. And we are now the only couple still together within our entire friends group and family who are not engaged. People used to bother us about getting married but that fizzled away thankfully. I’m afraid this obvious elephant in the room will now rear it’s ugly head once again. I also can’t help but feel the tiniest pang of jealousy. I know I shouldn’t but it’s there no matter how much I try and push it away. What the hell is wrong with me and how do I deal with this?

Always The Bridesmaid

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Help, I Can’t Stop Freaking Out About My Partner’s Guy Friends!

March 30, 2022 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hi Doc,

I am just emailing a quick question to try and help myself get over my insecurities. My girlfriend is close with quite a few guys and plans to meet up one-on-one with them over the coming months, which I am obviously fine with she knew them before me and I am not going to control who she is meeting up with. However I have an irrational fear that she is, on one of these occasions, going to develop a crush on one of those guys because, even though she is in a relationship. I still feel like catching feelings for someone else is a distinct possibility, especially considering she used to like two of them.

I don’t exactly know how to get over this fear, but it makes both of us really dislike my insecure parts of our relationship because even though I try to communicate, she isn’t too competent at the reassurance I need. She doesn’t understand my point of view as seh trusts me whenever I am alone with a girl, which I am very rarely because I treat her how in theory I would want to be (she doesn’t tell me to not hang out alone with girls, its my choice I just do it out of respect that I would want the same in return even though there’s no expectation to get that).

How can I get over this, because it has led to one-too-many arguments when I an inept at communicating, resulting in it all going bad for a half-hour.

Half the time I realise how stupid I am and am fine. However, some of the time I get set off by how these guys act around her and seem to act, one slightly too touchy and considering she would be wearing short skirts tops it all off.

I am not about to control any aspect of her life, so I want her to do what she wants. I want to know how to deal with the consequences on my brain.

Any help would be greatly appreciated,

Feeling Worried

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He’s Polyamorous. I’m Not. Can We Make It Work?

March 28, 2022 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hey Doc,

I met someone new back in December after I had decided years ago that maybe dating wasn’t for me. When I least expected it, I felt sparks with a guy I chatted with at the park. He’s kind and reliable, incredibly funny, very straightforward and earnest. He works to understand my chronic illness in a way that no one else has, and has supported me through some pretty bad episodes of depression. When we’re together it feels re-energizing for both of us, when usually we find socializing with others to be a drain after a certain point. When I told him I was ace, we had long conversations about what we were comfortable with, and he has always made sure that I enjoy our experiences together – and they’re the best I’ve ever had! It’s been amazing, beyond what I thought possible for a relationship. He says it’s been the same for him, more than he had ever imagined.

There have been complicating factors – the biggest being that he signed a lease with his ex before they broke up, who has not accepted their breakup and cries and yells at him if he is seen with me out in public, or if I come up in conversation. Moving out is not an option unless it becomes more affordable, and he and I both want him to keep the peace, within reason. It’s stressful, but through open and honest communication we have an understanding: we’re going to wait to get serious until he has the time and literal space for a full, committed relationship. In the meantime, we still enjoy each other’s company and support each other through the life changes we’ve experienced over the past few months. It’s going very well except for the ex, so I can’t help but think about the future, when we hope to be in a serious, committed relationship.

The part I’m struggling with is that he’s poly, and I don’t think that I am, or ever will be; nor am I currently comfortable with the idea of him seeing other women (both of us are straight). He’s never experienced a poly relationship because his partners have never been okay with it. We’ve talked about this, and he has said that he could always be monogamous with me once we’re serious so that I’m happy. Doc, this guy has a history of putting up with shitty behaviour from the women he dates in order to make them happy. I love his kindness but I would never want to be another woman who takes advantage of it. I know how great he is, and I know that he could find amazing polyamorous women out there – and I think he deserves that! I want him to live his life authentically, and be happy. But he’s been such an incredible part of my life these past few months – how do I give that up?

As we approach his move-out date, this question will no doubt come up again. Is it fair for me to ask him for monogamy? He’s offered, but he has a habit of offering too much, and not receiving enough in return. I would never want to hurt him. And will the relationship be doomed from the start because of this incompatibility? He’s not worried about this because he’s focused on enjoying our present time together – but I’m only going to become more attached to him as we go on, and it will be harder to go through a breakup the longer we see each other. What is your advice (if any) for prospective couples who are not both poly?

Sadly Monogamous

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I Have An Inconvenient Crush On My Friend. Is My Relationship Doomed?

March 7, 2022 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Dear Dr. NerdLove:

I just recently celebrated a three year anniversary. We’ve always gotten along really well, we have a good sex life, we have fun, we live together, and my partner is kind and attentive to my six year old daughter that lives with us part time. There’s not a lot of intensity and depth but we’re kind to each other and there for one another. There shouldn’t be anything wrong, but yet… I find my mind straying.

I have a really good friend. We’ve been friends for years, nothing romantic, we just get along really well and understand one another. I can’t stop fantasizing about him lately. There’s no real reason or trigger, nothing has changed, and yet he’s frequently on my mind. It’s almost compulsive. I feel guilty about this, even though I’m not flirting with him or participating in any uncouth behavior.

I’m just having trouble, I guess. Is my fantasizing about my friend the result of a root unhappiness in my relationship or the realization of something deeper? Do I just want to end things and am using this friend as a mental excuse for the detachment building in my mind? Am I a bad person?

I think about it a lot: if this is what I want forever. We’re engaged, and we have been since October 2020, but we’ve never really planned anything. I’ve never really tried or wanted to but I can’t explain why. Now that I look back on all of this, I just feel so confused. Am I staying because I want to or because I feel obligated because the break-up would upset my daughter and derail the relative comfort of my life? Is it guilt because why would you end something with someone who is kind and funny and good when you have no real reason to other than this nagging in the back of your mind? Is it normal to have these doubts and insecurities and challenges? Am I going mad?

I’m sorry, upon rereading I feel that I’m not being super clear here at all and totally understand if there’s not much you can help me with, advice-wise. If there is, though, I’d appreciate it.

Sincerely,
Moonstruck in the Midwest

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My Hobbies are Ruining My Marriage. What Do I Do?

February 28, 2022 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Doctor NerdLove,

I’m a longtime reader, first time submitter, writing because of concerns about my marriage. My wife and I have been married for four years. We have a child together at this point, we own a house together, and I thought things were going pretty well.

That was until my wife recently came forward to me, saying she was at a breaking point with my collecting, and that I needed to “stop acquiring more stuff” because she couldn’t take it anymore. I’ve always been a pretty hardcore collector, whether it’s toys, movies, video games, comics, specialty drinkware… pretty much if it is collectible I may have some interest in it. This has never been a secret and she was well aware of this aspect of who I am since before we even started dating, let alone being married. It’s just part of who I am.

Mind you, I’m not a hoarder. I do go through my collections once or twice a year to do a “purge” of items that I no longer feel a connection with or that I feel no longer serve their purpose to me. If I’ve upgraded movie to a new format or a toy of a character to a newer version I like better, I usually sell the old one to both make space and to keep costs down when it comes to my collecting. My bills are always paid and it has never caused a financial problem.

My wife recently had a breakdown and one of the key talking points was that I need to stop bringing stuff into the house. Obviously in the larger picture, my marriage is more important than my stuff, but I’m not sure if I could ever just STOP collecting entirely or quit cold turkey even if I wanted to. This hobby is just such a big part of who I am and what I do.

When I suggested that I could get rid of a lot of stuff and downsize, she shot that down saying that she knows these things make me happy and that it’d just cause me to resent her (which I can’t even argue against entirely, because I previously downsized my collection in a relationship and tried to stop buying new stuff, and it did cause resentment later).

I want to try and meet in the middle to accommodate her because I don’t want her to feel like I’m just disregarding her feelings, but I’m not sure how to go about doing this. Just stopping collecting entirely feels impossible.

She said “I still love you, but I don’t know if I can do this anymore” and implied divorce was on the table. After some talking and things calmed down, she asked me to go to marriage counseling, which I happily agreed to because I don’t want to lose her.

Here is where the second part of my problem kicks in. I have rarely been sure of anything in life. I’m super indecisive a lot of the time. But with my wife, I knew right away when I met her that she was the person I wanted to be with. She’s the only thing I’ve ever felt 100% confident about. But now that she has come forward and put the possibility of divorce out there, it’s got me in a weird new headspace filled with doubts about our future for the first time.

While things have calmed down for now and seem to be hopefully on a good path with counseling in the plans, it has me panicking and thinking about “well what are my backup plans if this goes south” for the first time in this relationship. It has me scared for the future of our marriage for the first time in my life, and now everything I was “certain” about for my future is a lot of “well hopefully, but on the off chance it isn’t I should have a backup plan”. What can I do to settle these feelings? Should I even be trying to settle them? Because in my mind, feeling like I need to have a backup plan means I feel like I’m one foot out the door already, and I don’t want to live like that.

I love my wife, I want her to be happy in our marriage too, but now that she cast potential doubt on our future I’m worried about continuing to be “all in” on our marriage like I always have been, and being anything less feels disingenuous.

Help me Doctor NerdLove, you’re my only hope!

The Collector

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