relationship drama Archives

My Hobbies are Ruining My Marriage. What Do I Do?

February 28, 2022 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Doctor NerdLove,

I’m a longtime reader, first time submitter, writing because of concerns about my marriage. My wife and I have been married for four years. We have a child together at this point, we own a house together, and I thought things were going pretty well.

That was until my wife recently came forward to me, saying she was at a breaking point with my collecting, and that I needed to “stop acquiring more stuff” because she couldn’t take it anymore. I’ve always been a pretty hardcore collector, whether it’s toys, movies, video games, comics, specialty drinkware… pretty much if it is collectible I may have some interest in it. This has never been a secret and she was well aware of this aspect of who I am since before we even started dating, let alone being married. It’s just part of who I am.

Mind you, I’m not a hoarder. I do go through my collections once or twice a year to do a “purge” of items that I no longer feel a connection with or that I feel no longer serve their purpose to me. If I’ve upgraded movie to a new format or a toy of a character to a newer version I like better, I usually sell the old one to both make space and to keep costs down when it comes to my collecting. My bills are always paid and it has never caused a financial problem.

My wife recently had a breakdown and one of the key talking points was that I need to stop bringing stuff into the house. Obviously in the larger picture, my marriage is more important than my stuff, but I’m not sure if I could ever just STOP collecting entirely or quit cold turkey even if I wanted to. This hobby is just such a big part of who I am and what I do.

When I suggested that I could get rid of a lot of stuff and downsize, she shot that down saying that she knows these things make me happy and that it’d just cause me to resent her (which I can’t even argue against entirely, because I previously downsized my collection in a relationship and tried to stop buying new stuff, and it did cause resentment later).

I want to try and meet in the middle to accommodate her because I don’t want her to feel like I’m just disregarding her feelings, but I’m not sure how to go about doing this. Just stopping collecting entirely feels impossible.

She said “I still love you, but I don’t know if I can do this anymore” and implied divorce was on the table. After some talking and things calmed down, she asked me to go to marriage counseling, which I happily agreed to because I don’t want to lose her.

Here is where the second part of my problem kicks in. I have rarely been sure of anything in life. I’m super indecisive a lot of the time. But with my wife, I knew right away when I met her that she was the person I wanted to be with. She’s the only thing I’ve ever felt 100% confident about. But now that she has come forward and put the possibility of divorce out there, it’s got me in a weird new headspace filled with doubts about our future for the first time.

While things have calmed down for now and seem to be hopefully on a good path with counseling in the plans, it has me panicking and thinking about “well what are my backup plans if this goes south” for the first time in this relationship. It has me scared for the future of our marriage for the first time in my life, and now everything I was “certain” about for my future is a lot of “well hopefully, but on the off chance it isn’t I should have a backup plan”. What can I do to settle these feelings? Should I even be trying to settle them? Because in my mind, feeling like I need to have a backup plan means I feel like I’m one foot out the door already, and I don’t want to live like that.

I love my wife, I want her to be happy in our marriage too, but now that she cast potential doubt on our future I’m worried about continuing to be “all in” on our marriage like I always have been, and being anything less feels disingenuous.

Help me Doctor NerdLove, you’re my only hope!

The Collector

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My Boyfriend Cheated. Should I Try To Make It Work?

December 8, 2021 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hi Dr. NerdLove!

My boyfriend recently had an affair with a co-worker that lasted for about a year. I’m not sure of the exact details because he won’t be totally honest with me. He’s embarrassed and ashamed, as he should be. I’m hoping that he will eventually provide those details, as I must have transparency in order to even consider moving towards forgiveness. The infidelity was the “straw that broke the camel’s back.” I’m struggling severely trying to deal with his infidelity and have I’ve considered leaving the relationship more times than I can count. I feel a pain that I cannot quell. The betrayal has broken my spirit, hardened my heart, and produced insecurities and feelings that I didn’t even know I had. I’ve developed severe anxiety since discovering the affair through text messages on his phone. It’s so bad that I literally feel sick to my stomach on a daily basis. I’m stuck in a cycle of rumination about what happened that I can’t seem to stop or control. Every time he leaves the house, I’m wondering who he’s with and if he’s cheating. Every phone call or text message he gets, I’m wondering who sent the text and/or who’s on the line. I hate my current behavior. This is not me! I hate who I’ve become as a result of his betrayal. In fact, I don’t think I know who I am anymore. The old me would never have even considered being with a man who cheated. I’m violating my own boundaries and it pisses me off. I’m disgusted by his touch right now and I don’t know how I’m going to be able to have sex with him again without some thought about the whore he had sex with repeatedly. Oh and to make matters worse, he cheated without using protection, all done during the height of the pandemic. I’m on the brink of a total mental health break down. Our bond has been broken and I know that it will never be the same.

With all that said, I think that professional help is necessary if we are to move forward and have any chance for the future. We stopped having sex about a year ago, which I think was part of the reason why he cheated. But that doesn’t by any means excuse his behavior. Our communication is one-sided, meaning I do all of the talking. He has a hard time expressing his feelings, probably due to growing up in an abusive household with a cult like atmosphere (Jehovah’s Witness). He’s also a chronic and pathological liar. It’s actually quite amazing. I had no idea that people like him even existed. I would classify him as a total narcissist. He lies about everything big and small. Even when presented with evidence of his guilt, he’ll continue to lie and try to gaslight me. He also has several addictions from soda to cigarettes to porn to gambling. He spent over $2000 just in the last 2 months on gambling, which just adds more stress to the relationship. The ONLY reason why I’ve stayed up to this point is because of some lingering, maybe foolish sense of hope. Don’t get me wrong, I’m very skeptical about the ability to salvage this relationship, but I’m willing to try begrudgingly and with caution. Through everything, I really do love this man. I’ve invested almost 4 years into this relationship and at the end of the day, he’s my best friend. I guess what I’m really asking you is should I put any more energy into making this relationship work? I’m beyond tired. Exhausted in every way. I’m overweight. I put on 50 pounds over the last 2 years due to prolonged and continuous stress and I’m more depressed than I’ve ever been in my entire life. We are scheduled to start couples therapy within the month and we both have regular, individual therapy sessions for personal development as well.

Dr. NerdLove, should I even go through with the couples therapy? Or is this relationship already at the point of no return? Please help!

—– Totally Depleted

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How Do I Stop Someone Who’s Trying to Ruin My Marriage?

November 17, 2021 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hello,

I happened to find you through a google search when I tried to look up info about how to avoid creeping people out. I’m emailing you because I want to see if you’re able to answer any questions that I have about your article: “Social Awkwardness is Not an Excuse” in writing? I’m asking because I have limited ability to pick up on non-verbal cues and adhere to social norms due to my Aspergers, which is often resulting in me being subject to numerous complaints to school officials and authorities. Many times, I normally don’t realize that what I happened to do to someone is actually crossing the line until the very last minute, which by then, it’s already too late for me to fix. Here are the following questions:

1. What creepy behaviors would most likely subject the person responsible to civil and/or criminal penalties, including disciplinary action from school?

2. Do difficulties with social cues and norms really increase the risk of unintentionally creeping people out? If so, can you explain how come and how prevalent this issue is?

3. Many times, I often resort to briefly advocating to those I’m about to associate and/or frequently cross paths with about my Aspergers and the extent of it (which especially includes my frequent need for clear communication) in order to reduce the chances of any misconceptions that could happen. What do you have to say about that?

4. I’ve heard rumors that because women and girls are conditioned to be nice in certain situations, any chance of them communicating clearly to you if something was to happen that I may not know about is very rare. Is that really true? If so, how can I possibly get around this?

5. How come can’t you use “I wasn’t really aware since she didn’t communicate her boundaries to me clearly” as an excuse when it comes to being accused of unintentionally creeping her out? Bc for me, this is more of a concern if the circumstances were a misconception

Please note that I am NOT seeking a dating relationship by asking these questions, I’m only trying to make sure I have confidence in building friendships the acceptable way and staying out of trouble in general from there. I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Thank you,
Trying To Find The Manual

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Why Am I So Jealous of My Boyfriend’s Best Friend?

November 12, 2021 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hello,

I am going through some personal conflicts and was researching on Google and came across your page. I have a somewhat tricky situation that I have never been in before and would like to know a professional’s opinion.

My boyfriend, whom I’ve been dating for 10 months now, is best friends with his ex and that bothers me a little. He has known her for 8+ years. They started as best friends, dated for some years and decided that they don’t work well as a couple and should go back to being best friends again. She is an important part of his life and they cherish their friendship which I find admirable honestly. They talk/chat daily. He doesn’t hide anything. He talks to her in front of me, hangs out with her once a month as she lives a bit far away now

He has been pretty clear about his past with me since the beginning. We used to live nearby so all 3 of us hung out together and I didn’t see any red flags. The ex is genuinely a precious human being and really good at heart. She is really nice to me too and always encourages/roots for my relationship with him. I like her too. I trust her as well. I have assumed things in the past when I was feeling jealous and have always been proven wrong.

He asked me how involved I want to be in that dynamic of theirs during our 1st month of dating, and I thought it wouldn’t be a big deal for me and I insisted that she can stay a part of his life however he wanted. When I felt jealous of them tickling each other or clicking pictures with hands on each other’s shoulders – I brought it up but he said that she’s like family and asked if I don’t tickle my family member? I completely am ok with such behavior with any other person but not her. Maybe because I cannot get over the fact that they used to be a couple. And sometimes when they are in a conversation with each other, I feel like I’m the side character and like they are the main characters.

I asked him if he loves her – he said no, he loves her only as a friend and that he loves me. Even though she is perfect – they are not good together. He reminds me how much it means to him that I am letting him be friends with his ex. His ex also idolizes me as I boost her up too and he is appreciative of that as well.

I am not sure why it still bothers me. Maybe it is something I never dealt with before or don’t know how to deal with. I don’t think that he’s going to cheat on me but whenever he tells me that he’s going to hang out with her or makes plans with her, it bothers me. I have Googled a lot regarding this and there are mixed views on this topic. I don’t want to end up like – “how could you not see the red flags”. I am scared to get hurt as I love him a lot and he loves me too and would like your perspective on this. Please advise me on ways to become less bothered by this.

Thank you,
Little Green-Eyed Monster

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I Turned My Life Around. So Why Can’t I Find A Date?

November 1, 2021 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hi Dr. NerdLove,

I turned my life around, but still can’t find a date. I suppose I’m your typical young adult geek. I live in a small apartment with collectible toys on shelves. I play video games, gossip on pop culture websites and don’t sleep well unless I’ve watched an episode of Star Trek to make me comfortable in bed. I’m also short, pudgy and often feel quite unattractive. I’ve had a single long-term relationship a few years ago, but things have been quiet since.

I felt my life was going in a direction I didn’t like — so I made a drastic move. I went to law school to become a lawyer. I learned how to network and how to build up my self-confidence. I started a busy career. I face professionals who have a lot more experience than me — and I win. It makes me proud to say that I’m good at what I do.

On the one hand, I want my story to inspire other geeks who lack self-confidence. We can use our inherent smarts to take go wherever we want to go. However, I’m somewhat more abject to admit that my dating world hasn’t changed.

I’m still the same old toy collecting Trekkie despite my “new” life. Heck, I once wrote an article in law school about how Federation captains can legally analyze their duties under the Prime Directive.

I thought a new career would make me more appealing to women. I’m a really kind person (like most geeks), and hoped that women would see me for my personality and my success. So much has changed for the better, but I’m still alone and left wondering what else society expects me to do. I like who I am — and I don’t want to change, but at the same time it hurts. I feel that no matter what, women are going to see me as a pudgy geek until the day I either get lucky — or throw my toys out and watch a football game.

Thanks for your guidance,

Geek, Esq.

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