Dr. NerdLove:
My husband suggested recently we move to a cheaper city so we could by a house in cash, free and clear. He also detests this area for a number of reasons, homelessness, high cost of living, etc. But the way I look at it, it would disrupt a pretty good situation we have right now, and there are other options that he refuses to consider.
We rent in a major west coast city with our adolescent daughter and two dogs. Cost of living is exorbitant and since I started my own firm it’s been a struggle to survive financially, but we have a very large reserve to tap for a few years. Also my firm is starting to show success and I’m seeing life at the end of the tunnel.
My husband has a decent contract with local government, loves his manager and has a good opportunity to get a full time job with excellent benefits. Finding a job he likes has been a major struggle the 14 years we’ve been married so the fact he loves management is huge.
Our daughter is thriving at her middle school where she’s one of the top students and beloved by many there. The school navigated the pandemic very well and our daughter made some very close friends.
So I was stunned when my husband became committed to leaving this area ASAP because he “hates what this area represents”, seeing how many people struggle with housing (he works with the homeless). I’ve tried my best to come up with alternatives:
- Move later, once my firm is stable enough to make a decent monthly income. He says that may never happen and he doesn’t trust that I’ll move if it is successful.
- He moves first, buys a house, either a) with our daughter or b) without our daughter and we’ll move later. That would require my finding a cheap apartment. Again he says we should stay together and he doesn’t trust I’ll move and/or having two homes defeats the purpose of saving money.
- I move first to establish my firm and he stay with our daughter here. Again we’re split up and two locations.
- Find a cheaper place here but it would not be as nice as we could get in another city. But this doesn’t work because he hates the area.
My husband says I’m unwilling to compromise because his true dream is to move to Europe where he’s from but will stay in the US since I can’t run my firm from there for regulatory reasons (otherwise I’d explore it). Since I don’t want to close my firm, his compromise is staying in the US. He’s furious with me for not making a definitive answer quickly and I admit I’m all over the place, saying maybe it would work and then changing my mind when I think about how:
- He’d have to quit and get a new job which he’s not good at doing.
- We have limited health insurance due to his contract situation but we’d have no health insurance if we move.
- He only has a network in our current home city and that took him ages to cultivate since he’s introverted
- His distrusting me, saying I’m not working with him and that I won’t “prove my love to risk” a move.
- That he has sacrificed too much by moving here to be with me and now it’s my turn.
My issue is not the moving part, it’s the timing and his attitude—all or nothing but seems to be characterizing me as the selfish one.
Do I risk it? Am I being too fearful? The ironic point of it is that he’s recommending towns where I have lots of relationships and could possibly build a client base (although premature). I’m likely to be the best off after a move but adding an unemployed, angry husband who doesn’t trust me and a teen who is totally against moving makes it less interesting.
He’s flipped out since our discussion that went really wrong since he won’t believe I’m willing to compromise and because I throw out different options he sees that as stalling. It ended with some really awful things said.
What do I do? I don’t want to split and we are in the best financial shape now so moving out for either of us would make things even worse. I said let’s make a decision next year and he said no it has to be in 3 months.
Torn to Pieces
