relationship maintenance Archives

Why Am I So Jealous of My Boyfriend’s Best Friend?

November 12, 2021 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hello,

I am going through some personal conflicts and was researching on Google and came across your page. I have a somewhat tricky situation that I have never been in before and would like to know a professional’s opinion.

My boyfriend, whom I’ve been dating for 10 months now, is best friends with his ex and that bothers me a little. He has known her for 8+ years. They started as best friends, dated for some years and decided that they don’t work well as a couple and should go back to being best friends again. She is an important part of his life and they cherish their friendship which I find admirable honestly. They talk/chat daily. He doesn’t hide anything. He talks to her in front of me, hangs out with her once a month as she lives a bit far away now

He has been pretty clear about his past with me since the beginning. We used to live nearby so all 3 of us hung out together and I didn’t see any red flags. The ex is genuinely a precious human being and really good at heart. She is really nice to me too and always encourages/roots for my relationship with him. I like her too. I trust her as well. I have assumed things in the past when I was feeling jealous and have always been proven wrong.

He asked me how involved I want to be in that dynamic of theirs during our 1st month of dating, and I thought it wouldn’t be a big deal for me and I insisted that she can stay a part of his life however he wanted. When I felt jealous of them tickling each other or clicking pictures with hands on each other’s shoulders – I brought it up but he said that she’s like family and asked if I don’t tickle my family member? I completely am ok with such behavior with any other person but not her. Maybe because I cannot get over the fact that they used to be a couple. And sometimes when they are in a conversation with each other, I feel like I’m the side character and like they are the main characters.

I asked him if he loves her – he said no, he loves her only as a friend and that he loves me. Even though she is perfect – they are not good together. He reminds me how much it means to him that I am letting him be friends with his ex. His ex also idolizes me as I boost her up too and he is appreciative of that as well.

I am not sure why it still bothers me. Maybe it is something I never dealt with before or don’t know how to deal with. I don’t think that he’s going to cheat on me but whenever he tells me that he’s going to hang out with her or makes plans with her, it bothers me. I have Googled a lot regarding this and there are mixed views on this topic. I don’t want to end up like – “how could you not see the red flags”. I am scared to get hurt as I love him a lot and he loves me too and would like your perspective on this. Please advise me on ways to become less bothered by this.

Thank you,
Little Green-Eyed Monster

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These Mistakes Ruin Relationships (Before They Can Even Start)

September 29, 2021 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Here’s a truth: relationships end. Sometimes they end because the relationship came to its natural conclusion; it was a relationship that was right for that particular place and time, and the people involved outgrew the relationship. Other times, however, relationships end because the relationship itself didn’t work. Someone wasn’t happy, someone found that their needs weren’t being met, or realized that they just had to go. Still other times, relationships end because people let it die… or caused its death.

young man standing with a Red Rose on Hand with woman walking away in a park — Wife Guy… NO MORE

But what a lot of folks often don’t realize is how many relationships had their end already written before the relationship had even begun. While the early days of dating someone are often the easiest and most enjoyable, these can also set the stage for how the relationship will end… sooner, rather than later. It’s all too easy to get caught up in the thrill of the new, when you and your partner are both getting that oxytocin high off each other and not realize that you’re planting the seeds that will cause everything to fall apart down the line.

To make matters worse, these are issues that may seem minor at first, but metastasize faster than you might realize. They may feel insignificant at the start, but ultimately they’re matters of respect; respect for your partner and respect for yourself. And a relationship without respect cannot last or be healthy.

Gentlemen, you don’t want to leave your future to chance. It’s time to learn how to recognize the mistakes that will spell the end of even the happiest relationships. When you understand and avoid these mistakes, you’ll quit struggling with your relationships and become the kind of man your partner will love to brag about to others.

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Will Moving Save Our Marriage… or Ruin It?

July 30, 2021 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Dr. NerdLove:

My husband suggested recently we move to a cheaper city so we could by a house in cash, free and clear. He also detests this area for a number of reasons, homelessness, high cost of living, etc. But the way I look at it, it would disrupt a pretty good situation we have right now, and there are other options that he refuses to consider.

We rent in a major west coast city with our adolescent daughter and two dogs. Cost of living is exorbitant and since I started my own firm it’s been a struggle to survive financially, but we have a very large reserve to tap for a few years. Also my firm is starting to show success and I’m seeing life at the end of the tunnel.

My husband has a decent contract with local government, loves his manager and has a good opportunity to get a full time job with excellent benefits. Finding a job he likes has been a major struggle the 14 years we’ve been married so the fact he loves management is huge.

Our daughter is thriving at her middle school where she’s one of the top students and beloved by many there. The school navigated the pandemic very well and our daughter made some very close friends.

So I was stunned when my husband became committed to leaving this area ASAP because he “hates what this area represents”, seeing how many people struggle with housing (he works with the homeless). I’ve tried my best to come up with alternatives:

Move later, once my firm is stable enough to make a decent monthly income. He says that may never happen and he doesn’t trust that I’ll move if it is successful.
He moves first, buys a house, either a) with our daughter or b) without our daughter and we’ll move later. That would require my finding a cheap apartment. Again he says we should stay together and he doesn’t trust I’ll move and/or having two homes defeats the purpose of saving money.
I move first to establish my firm and he stay with our daughter here. Again we’re split up and two locations.
Find a cheaper place here but it would not be as nice as we could get in another city. But this doesn’t work because he hates the area.

My husband says I’m unwilling to compromise because his true dream is to move to Europe where he’s from but will stay in the US since I can’t run my firm from there for regulatory reasons (otherwise I’d explore it). Since I don’t want to close my firm, his compromise is staying in the US. He’s furious with me for not making a definitive answer quickly and I admit I’m all over the place, saying maybe it would work and then changing my mind when I think about how:

He’d have to quit and get a new job which he’s not good at doing.
We have limited health insurance due to his contract situation but we’d have no health insurance if we move.
He only has a network in our current home city and that took him ages to cultivate since he’s introverted
His distrusting me, saying I’m not working with him and that I won’t “prove my love to risk” a move.
That he has sacrificed too much by moving here to be with me and now it’s my turn.

My issue is not the moving part, it’s the timing and his attitude—all or nothing but seems to be characterizing me as the selfish one.

Do I risk it? Am I being too fearful? The ironic point of it is that he’s recommending towns where I have lots of relationships and could possibly build a client base (although premature). I’m likely to be the best off after a move but adding an unemployed, angry husband who doesn’t trust me and a teen who is totally against moving makes it less interesting.

He’s flipped out since our discussion that went really wrong since he won’t believe I’m willing to compromise and because I throw out different options he sees that as stalling. It ended with some really awful things said.

What do I do? I don’t want to split and we are in the best financial shape now so moving out for either of us would make things even worse. I said let’s make a decision next year and he said no it has to be in 3 months.

Torn to Pieces

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Ask Dr. NerdLove: What’s Wrong With My Being a Pick-Up Artist?

May 31, 2021 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Dear Dr. NerdLove:

I’m a 29 year old man living in Texas. Growing up and even in my early 20s, I kept getting rejected by women. I was pissed this kept happening so I decided to do something about it. Because look, if I’m the common denominator, the problem is ME.

First, I focused on self-improvement and striving a decent person. I still had ZERO success. And I didn’t even get matches on Tinder.

Then my best friend introduced me to this company called RSD (Real Social Dynamics) and I followed the teachings there. I’ve had multiple girlfriends since, and it’s crazy because I did everything people previously suggested such as do a hobby, work out, be interesting on dates, etc…yet I’m seeing women were into me way more when I started acting like more of an asshole.

Why is PUA stuff like RSD derided when it clearly got some guys like me results? The advice there was much more helpful than ANYTHING I see in the mainstream. Also, when people say this is just manipulation, it’s also on the counterparty because they SELECT for this type of behavior. When I was “kind and decent” I only got rejected and heard “women don’t owe you anything because you’re a kind person”, so I just adapted to what I noticed women I liked responded to.

Really, what’s wrong with doing what works? I sometimes think all these people who never gave me good input and are suddenly expressing outrage with PUA should stfu because they have no business chiming in now.

Thanks,
Socially Dynamic

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We Can’t Have Sex. What Should We Do?

April 5, 2021 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Dear Dr NerdLove

My boyfriend and I have been in a relationship for about 3.5 years and we’ve been through a lot together and I like to think it’s a pretty solid relationship overall.

However in the last year our sex life has suffered, namely because I haven’t wanted it or enjoyed it. Sorry to be TMI, but I often struggle to get physically aroused, can have limited sensation ‘down there’ or when I can feel things it’s often, at best, uncomfortable and, at worst, painful.

I have always tried to be open and honest with him about these issues and, at first, it caused arguments as my boyfriend thought I might no longer be attracted to him and/or wanted to be with someone else (feelings based on bad experiences in his previous relationships). But that’s very much not the case and I’d always try to talk it out with him and reassure him as best I could.

Towards the start of 2019, I went back on antidepressants for a depressive episode. And at first I thought this was what was causing my problems. And so when it got to May this year and I was having physical health issues (which me and the doctor thought were side effects of the antidepressants) and I had to come off them, I was hopeful that at least my sex problems would be resolved.

They were not. Plot twist – it wasn’t the anti depressants. With the same physical issues on going (and seemingly connected to the sex problems) I was referred to an endocrinologist and found out I have a suspected tumour. IN MY BRAIN.

Ok. Ok. So it’s not exactly in my brain but just under it. On my pituitary gland. And it’s most likely benign. But as I’m sure you can understand, it’s scary for me nevertheless.

I’m currently waiting on an MRI scan (I’m in the UK so going through the NHS) to confirm the diagnosis and start treatment, but with the pandemic and lockdown I don’t know when that will be.

My boyfriend is always very supportive of me through the hospital appointments and always looks after me when I’m not feeling great. I know he’s worried for my health and just wants me to get better. I don’t want you to think he’s completely selfish and his only concern is the fact he’s not getting any!!

I just don’t know how to handle our sex life (or lack of) in the meantime. Sometimes I will try sex with him in the hopes it will feel at least okay, but it sucks. We try to keep an open and honest conversation about the subject but we both get frustrated that there’s nothing we can really do while we wait for the doctors to sort out the tumour.

I do worry this could be the thing that ruins an otherwise amazing relationship.

What should I do?

Can’t Get Wet

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