relationships Archives - Paging Dr. NerdLove

Ask Dr. NerdLove: Can I Ask Him To Change?

April 12, 2019 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hey Doc!

I have a problem that basically boils down to “unfortunately this guy I’m seeing hasn’t found your books and columns yet,” but of course the situation is a little more nuanced than that.

I’m in my late 30’s and have been in several medium to long term relationships. I’ve mostly met men online for the past several years, because I like the convenience and lack of ambiguity that you get from a dating site. Finding dates is not a problem, but after spending a long time playing the field and getting to know what really works for me in a relationship, for the past couple of years I’ve been trying to focus on finding someone awesome to build a life with. I’ve got a great career and friends, own my home, have hobbies and interests– I’ve spent a lot of time reading advice from columnists like you, Captain Awkward, Dear Sugar, and Ask Polly, and all of that has helped me become the kind of person I’d like to date! I’m always a work in progress, but I like who I’ve become. I’ve struggled to find that kind of “whole package” in a guy, especially one who wants to commit.

Now I’ve met someone who has tons of potential. He’s got a cool career in a field adjacent to mine (so we already have a lot in common), he’s not 100% my type physically (I like tattoos and glasses, he’s more of a polo shirt and khakis fella) but I do find him attractive and we have good chemistry. He’s liberal and nerdy and doesn’t want kids, just like me. He’s tall and kind and great to cuddle, and he smells fantastic. But there’s just something missing and I don’t know how to really articulate it, let alone find it.

We’ve only been seeing each other for about a month but he’s definitely talking about a future and I can tell he’s very into me. One of the nice things that came from my years of dating around is that I’m pretty good at telling the difference between a guy who’s trying to be a player (or whatever the kids are calling it these days) and a guy who’s very sincere. This guy is sincere af and wants to settle down. And I don’t want to hurt him or waste his time by stringing him along if I’m not going to be able to go all in; I think he deserves better than that.

So what’s making me hesitate? There’s some kind of initiative or assertiveness or joie de vivre that’s missing, and I don’t know how to put my finger on it. Like, he feels like he’s overweight, but he doesn’t work out. He has a dog that’s completely untrained, to the point where she bit me the first time I met her and taking her out in public is iffy, but he hasn’t taken her to obedience classes or tried to train her. He seems content to do whatever I suggest, but he doesn’t take the initiative to come up with cool date ideas. He doesn’t show any particular enthusiasm for… like, anything, to be honest. He’s not NEGATIVE, and he clearly has likes and dislikes, but he just seems sort of placid and meh about things, even things he’s into. He’s smart and not humorless, but I wouldn’t call him witty or sharp, and nothing makes my heart sing like quick banter and bad puns. The sex is nice, but he doesn’t seem lusty, if that makes sense. There’s no edge to him, I guess. And I’m at the point where I know that an edge is definitely not enough to sustain a relationship, but the total lack of it will eventually drive me nuts.

I know, after all this time out there dating, that the guys who grab my heart are the ones who are confident and engaged with the world and enthusiastic, and I know I’m not unique in that. A lot of the self-improvement things you suggest for guys would be great in helping this dude become someone I’d want to be with for the long haul, but I know what a terrible idea it is to date someone with the intention of trying to change them. He has so much potential, though! I know I’ve said that twice now, but it’s true. And I know he would be really sad if I broke things off, but telling him how I feel seems cruel. Is there some kind of script you can suggest for helping him find that vitality that would make me want to become more invested? Should I just leave him alone so he can find a nice girl who will like him the way he is? It seems like such a waste to walk away from a guy I genuinely like who is so close to what I want and who’s so into me, but I know from experience that you can’t change someone. They have to want to change. And maybe he doesn’t! If he was a house, he’d be a fixer-upper and I’d be happy to put in the time. But houses don’t have feelings and people do.
I’m at a loss here. Any words of wisdom?

–This is a Relationship, Not HGTV

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Episode #110 – The Truth About Women And Casual Sex

March 29, 2019 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Why aren’t more women interested in casual sex? What can guys do to find women who’re interested in a no-strings hook-up? It’s time to talk about the TRUTH about women, casual sex and how to find it…

SHOW HIGHLIGHTS:

▶︎ Why women prefer relationships to hook-ups and casual partners
▶︎ How the orgasm gap affects our relationships
▶︎ Why being The Cool Girl works against women AND men
▶︎ Why “casual” sex is BAD sex
▶︎ What men can do to find more casual, no strings hook-ups

…and so much more

▶︎ 5 Rules For Better Hook-Ups

▶︎ What Women Wish Men Knew About Good Sex

▶︎ Who REALLY Has The Power In Dating?

▶︎ Stop Calling It ‘Casual Sex’

Listen Here
Download Here
Transcripts available at Patreon.com/DrNerdLove

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Ask Dr. NerdLove: How Do I Talk To My Girlfriend About Our Sex Life?

March 22, 2019 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hey Doc,

I’ve been dating a particular woman (call her L) for over a month now. We’re pretty interested in each other, and if things continue like this, we’ll likely be in an official relationship soon. So far, so good, right?

With many other women, we’ve had sex by the 5th date. With L, we’ve been on 7 dates, made out multiple times on my bed, but no sex. That’s fine–I don’t want to rush her if she’s not ready. She also implied that she’s inexperienced with men, so maybe she’s a bit nervous sexually. I asked her briefly about this and she said she would be willing later in the relationship, and I didn’t press her to explain more.

I’m assuming L would eventually *want* to bang, just when she’s comfortable. But maybe not? Maybe her threshold is “1 year of dating”? I don’t want to wait a long time to find out I’m emotionally invested in someone who I’m not sexually compatible with (like, having the desire to have sex at least once a week).

How do I bring this topic up without sounding like I’m a dumb, horny dude?

Waiting To Begin

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Ask Dr. NerdLove: How Do I Tell My Girlfriend I Cheated?

December 10, 2018 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Dear Dr. NerdLove:

I have been with my same-sex partner for seven and a half years now (we are two women), two and a half of which have been long distance due to job obligations. The distance has been really hard, and I have found myself in a couple of blackout drunk situations in which I did regrettable things. I am usually able to control myself when I drink, but very rarely I get blackouts. I’m not sure if it’s to do with the type of medication that I take mixed with it, or if it’s genetic or what.

The most recent situation is the one I’m having a lot of trouble with. I have been trying to make more friends in the gay girl scene, and I met one girl who I 100% was only interested in friendship with. And I told her that I was only seeking friendship from other women. We hung out a few times, and on the last hang out we were at her place. I again got blackout drunk, and the next thing I remember is waking up in her bed with no memory of what happened (a couple of flashes but nothing else). I am completely repulsed by this because a) I am in a relationship and love my girlfriend with everything I am, and b) I have zero attraction to this girl.

I freaked out and told my girlfriend that I needed a break / some space because I didn’t know what else to do. I didn’t tell her what happened because I know it would absolutely crush her and I swear I would not have ever done this if I was sober. I want to stay with her and I have even had suicidal thoughts because I just can’t deal with this. I know alcohol is not an excuse, I just can’t make sense of why it happened. I am so disgusted! Even though I remember almost nothing, I feel as though this person, although really nice, took advantage of me / coerced me, and I feel so much anger toward her for that. And even if that is true, why did I seemingly become an active participant? She was quite drunk too, but I don’t believe she was blackout drunk. I have cut off all communication with her, even though a friendship could have been had this situation not happened. I want nothing to do with her.

My girlfriend was initially extremely upset that I ended things / asked for a break. But then we saw each other one weekend and we kind of just melted back together to the way things were before. But every time I look at her, every time she compliments me, every time she calls me a good person, all I can think of is what I did and I absolutely hate myself for it and would do anything to turn back time.

I have started seeing a therapist, but it isn’t doing much yet. The guilt is eating me alive, but I feel that if I were to tell my girlfriend she would leave me in an instant (she is extremely insecure) and that would be even more excruciating. We go so well together and have a blast together, and are genuinely just the best of friends. I have been planning to move to her city eventually, there is a company that has expressed interest in hiring me, I am just working on strengthening my portfolio before switching jobs.

I am driving myself crazy reading all the articles and forums online about blackout drunk cheating. I honestly can’t make sense of any of this and I am hating myself and beating myself up about this. I don’t know how I will ever move on from this. It consumes my thoughts day and night. First thing that comes to my mind each morning when I wake is, “You are a cheater You are a horrible person. She did not deserve this. You don’t deserve her.” I already suffer from severe depression and anxiety due to my mom passing away last year and my best friend committing suicide.

I can’t handle this. Please help. Thank you very much.

Barely Holding On

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Ask Dr. NerdLove: Why Is He Afraid of Marriage?

December 7, 2018 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Dear Dr. NerdLove:

My boyfriend and I have been together for over six years. We’ve lived together for most of that time with my three children from a prior marriage. Our goal had always been marriage, as we had discussed it many times early on in our relationship, however over the years, it seems his fears grow and/or change.

He hates talking about feelings (his or mine) so we don’t get far in understanding his fears or addressing my insecurities. He has stated that he has trust issues from prior relationships, fears of divorce since he’s seen it all around him, that since I have been married before he doesn’t know if he can trust my stated feelings because I’ve felt that way previously. Plus, it just makes him uncomfortable to think about marriage and he doesn’t know why.

Now, other than his trust issues from a prior relationship, these reasons have just been added over time. Each year it’s something different on top of the prior trust issue. I find his reasons to be cop outs, honestly, but I’m trying to give him the time he needs to work his crap out. In the interim, as time passes, I can’t help but feel incredibly insecure that we have been together for 6+ years and he’s still not ready to fully commit to me. I have been clear on our goal from the beginning and haven’t veered off course. I want to be with this man and I want to spend the rest of my life with him.

I let him know consistently how I feel, and I reassure him in every possible way when he exhibits any insecurities about my feelings or my past. I ask if there is anything he wants or needs from me or the relationship and he states he has no issues and is happy with our life and wants to keep growing and moving forward. That all sounds great, but we aren’t moving in any direction. Our relationship is no closer to marriage then it was in year two. He states there isn’t anything I need to do or can do to help with his lingering trust issues, that it has nothing to do with me, but he also isn’t facing them on his own either.

I’ve considered that he just doesn’t want to marry me. He swears that’s not the case – that it’s not me, it’s just marriage. That’s hard to believe, because he was one that asked if I was jaded about marriage on our first date, because that’s something he wanted for his life. He gets angry when I call him out and say things like, “Just be honest and say you don’t want marriage so at least I can make the decision on my own whether or not that is okay with me.” He says he does want to marry me, he’s just not ready yet. I don’t want to pressure him into marriage, because I’m already insecure enough and don’t want to feel like he married me out of obligation. I want him to actually want to marry me.

I don’t know how to stay true to my feelings and on the path to the goal, while battling the insecurities that come along with this and not really knowing if my partner in this actually has the same goal. His messages are mixed and unfair. I don’t know the proper way to handle it. Any advice?

Always The Bridesmaid

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