relationships Archives - Paging Dr. NerdLove

Ask Dr. NerdLove: How Do I Tell My Girlfriend I Cheated?

December 10, 2018 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Dear Dr. NerdLove:

I have been with my same-sex partner for seven and a half years now (we are two women), two and a half of which have been long distance due to job obligations. The distance has been really hard, and I have found myself in a couple of blackout drunk situations in which I did regrettable things. I am usually able to control myself when I drink, but very rarely I get blackouts. I’m not sure if it’s to do with the type of medication that I take mixed with it, or if it’s genetic or what.

The most recent situation is the one I’m having a lot of trouble with. I have been trying to make more friends in the gay girl scene, and I met one girl who I 100% was only interested in friendship with. And I told her that I was only seeking friendship from other women. We hung out a few times, and on the last hang out we were at her place. I again got blackout drunk, and the next thing I remember is waking up in her bed with no memory of what happened (a couple of flashes but nothing else). I am completely repulsed by this because a) I am in a relationship and love my girlfriend with everything I am, and b) I have zero attraction to this girl.

I freaked out and told my girlfriend that I needed a break / some space because I didn’t know what else to do. I didn’t tell her what happened because I know it would absolutely crush her and I swear I would not have ever done this if I was sober. I want to stay with her and I have even had suicidal thoughts because I just can’t deal with this. I know alcohol is not an excuse, I just can’t make sense of why it happened. I am so disgusted! Even though I remember almost nothing, I feel as though this person, although really nice, took advantage of me / coerced me, and I feel so much anger toward her for that. And even if that is true, why did I seemingly become an active participant? She was quite drunk too, but I don’t believe she was blackout drunk. I have cut off all communication with her, even though a friendship could have been had this situation not happened. I want nothing to do with her.

My girlfriend was initially extremely upset that I ended things / asked for a break. But then we saw each other one weekend and we kind of just melted back together to the way things were before. But every time I look at her, every time she compliments me, every time she calls me a good person, all I can think of is what I did and I absolutely hate myself for it and would do anything to turn back time.

I have started seeing a therapist, but it isn’t doing much yet. The guilt is eating me alive, but I feel that if I were to tell my girlfriend she would leave me in an instant (she is extremely insecure) and that would be even more excruciating. We go so well together and have a blast together, and are genuinely just the best of friends. I have been planning to move to her city eventually, there is a company that has expressed interest in hiring me, I am just working on strengthening my portfolio before switching jobs.

I am driving myself crazy reading all the articles and forums online about blackout drunk cheating. I honestly can’t make sense of any of this and I am hating myself and beating myself up about this. I don’t know how I will ever move on from this. It consumes my thoughts day and night. First thing that comes to my mind each morning when I wake is, “You are a cheater You are a horrible person. She did not deserve this. You don’t deserve her.” I already suffer from severe depression and anxiety due to my mom passing away last year and my best friend committing suicide.

I can’t handle this. Please help. Thank you very much.

Barely Holding On

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Ask Dr. NerdLove: Why Is He Afraid of Marriage?

December 7, 2018 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Dear Dr. NerdLove:

My boyfriend and I have been together for over six years. We’ve lived together for most of that time with my three children from a prior marriage. Our goal had always been marriage, as we had discussed it many times early on in our relationship, however over the years, it seems his fears grow and/or change.

He hates talking about feelings (his or mine) so we don’t get far in understanding his fears or addressing my insecurities. He has stated that he has trust issues from prior relationships, fears of divorce since he’s seen it all around him, that since I have been married before he doesn’t know if he can trust my stated feelings because I’ve felt that way previously. Plus, it just makes him uncomfortable to think about marriage and he doesn’t know why.

Now, other than his trust issues from a prior relationship, these reasons have just been added over time. Each year it’s something different on top of the prior trust issue. I find his reasons to be cop outs, honestly, but I’m trying to give him the time he needs to work his crap out. In the interim, as time passes, I can’t help but feel incredibly insecure that we have been together for 6+ years and he’s still not ready to fully commit to me. I have been clear on our goal from the beginning and haven’t veered off course. I want to be with this man and I want to spend the rest of my life with him.

I let him know consistently how I feel, and I reassure him in every possible way when he exhibits any insecurities about my feelings or my past. I ask if there is anything he wants or needs from me or the relationship and he states he has no issues and is happy with our life and wants to keep growing and moving forward. That all sounds great, but we aren’t moving in any direction. Our relationship is no closer to marriage then it was in year two. He states there isn’t anything I need to do or can do to help with his lingering trust issues, that it has nothing to do with me, but he also isn’t facing them on his own either.

I’ve considered that he just doesn’t want to marry me. He swears that’s not the case – that it’s not me, it’s just marriage. That’s hard to believe, because he was one that asked if I was jaded about marriage on our first date, because that’s something he wanted for his life. He gets angry when I call him out and say things like, “Just be honest and say you don’t want marriage so at least I can make the decision on my own whether or not that is okay with me.” He says he does want to marry me, he’s just not ready yet. I don’t want to pressure him into marriage, because I’m already insecure enough and don’t want to feel like he married me out of obligation. I want him to actually want to marry me.

I don’t know how to stay true to my feelings and on the path to the goal, while battling the insecurities that come along with this and not really knowing if my partner in this actually has the same goal. His messages are mixed and unfair. I don’t know the proper way to handle it. Any advice?

Always The Bridesmaid

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Ask Dr. NerdLove: Am I Doomed By My Dating Inexperience?

December 3, 2018 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hello Doc,

Reading your articles as an inexperienced man is always reassuring, even when things seem pretty bleak. The truth about me isn’t that I’m socially anxious, terribly ugly (I guess?), or too meek. I’m introverted, but much of my pain is due to not actively trying, and an inferiority complex.

I’ve always been down on myself. I’ve thought of myself as a social reject and someone who’s pretty ugly. I can socialize and make friends, but there’s always been a lack of confidence and low self-worth when it comes to dating. I didn’t have a relationship until I was 26. It tormented me for a very, very long time. I was stressed that my time was running out, bitter that I had wasted my youth. It took me so long to sort out my life and actively try because I was depressed, doing poorly in college, and went through cancer treatment at 22/23. After enduring chemotherapy, I was convinced nothing would ever go right for me. I’m grateful to be in remission, but I’m still a resentful, melancholic and bitter person.
I feel old, like time has passed me by. I wish I hadn’t lost my teens and early 20s, so I feel the pressure to play “catch up.”

At 26, I met a girl who I felt a good connection with. She was going through a hearing (abusive ex), and had also been sexually assaulted. She has had her own issues with depression and anxiety. She would self-harm. I could tell she was deeply in love with me. There was mental connection, but she was also really physically attracted to me. She even introduced me to her parents right off the bat, which was surprising. Our first three months were nice. According to her, I was a good partner, attentive, supportive, intelligent/intellectual, and “made her feel safe.” She had her own insecurities about her body and looks.

I took some time before I started staying nights, because I wanted to respect her boundaries and not push for sex. I made her orgasm pretty easily through oral sex, using my fingers. I was good at foreplay, and a decent kisser. I would make her cum consistently when we were intimate. She would usually initiate, and seemed genuinely into it. I still feel like I fell flat on my face though. This is because I had a few instances of performance anxiety and premature ejaculation. I put such a burden on myself to perform and get a girlfriend that I was super tense. We didn’t ever get a chance to build further physical chemistry and have intercourse. I avoided it, under the assumption that we’d get time to work on things later. I didn’t really enjoy sex, it was more about getting her off. She never ridiculed me, seemed angry or disappointed. She was understanding. Unfortunately, it turned long distance over the summer and fell apart. She broke up with me, saying she didn’t feel enough to keep things going, and she had wanted more closeness.

I feel pathetic that I wasn’t able to perform for a woman who really liked me. I’m not sure I was interested in a LTR, or immensely physically attracted to her. I felt guilty about this. I feared I was “bad in bed” but she had said I wasn’t. I guess I was attuned to her needs. I asked her if she left me because of the anxiety, but she denied that too. She had said that I made her cum faster than her previous partner (the abusive ex). My insecurities are back with a vengeance. I still feel like an inexperienced loser, and certainly still feel like I deserve the label “virgin” (there was penetration but I wasn’t fully erect). I wish I wasn’t so burdened with past insecurities.

I can’t quite feel proud of myself for being a decent boyfriend. I feel like I failed at a fundamental aspect of a relationship. The breakup is not what I’m stressing about Doc. I’m just concerned that I’m an impotent, spineless wimp who squandered the only opportunity I’ve ever had. Kissing three women, and intimacy with one woman doesn’t seem very impressive for a guy who’s now 27. I see many sex columnists ridicule older virgins, but I don’t think there’s anything wrong with me physically.

My question is simple. How do I stop beating myself up? How can I force myself to see that this was a huge step forward for me. It’s in the right direction, at least. I went from thinking I’d never have a partner until my 30s, to having a really loving partner.

Problem is, my sex drive is pretty low, and I’m constantly ruminating on what I did wrong.
I’m more devastated than I probably should be, given the circumstances.
How do I keep going? I feel like this is a sign that I’m not cut out for having a good dating and sex life. I still can’t accept that anyone would actually like me.

-Haunted by the Past

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Ask Dr. NerdLove: Why Do Guys Only Want Me For Sex?

November 9, 2018 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hello Dr. NerdLove,

I am at my wits end trying to suss out why men only see me as worthy for sex, and not a relationship. I see you advise many men on being awkward and asperger-y, but if there’s a woman one related to my issues well I’ve missed it. I’d kill for some advice.

Grew up in rural hell, overweight since age of 8, relentless teasing followed and a spate of boys asking me out as a ‘joke’. My sisters say “toxic masculinity”, but the day it started to feel more personal was when I changed schools hours apart, lost weight, AND IT HAPPENED AGAIN. So no dating for me as a teen despite wanting is ever so badly.

Hit 18, move far away to the city, get down to a respectable 140lbs and feel it’s time to come into my own. Only skeevy men (like 60 year old bar flys and 50 year old tow truck drivers) ask me out, usually hinting it’s less out than in, and I become disillusioned. After hitting clubs, becoming more confident, and even asking a guy out I liked (only to have him lick my face like a dog) I decided this wasn’t the time.

I end up in NYC, gain the weight back to about 200, and a weird version of my prior problems begins again. Men asking me out, not as a joke, but only for sex and lying about actually wanting more than pussy (I mean, yeah I know it’s not uncommon). I’m young, naive, fall for it all, finally have sex, and get into two 1.5 month relationships. The final one ends when I find out he actually had never broken up with his prior girlfriend.

My life… gets worse. An unrelated GamerGate-like situation happens and my life is ruined, I gain PTSD and an anxiety disorder, also jump to about 220lbs higher than ever before. I try counseling, first guy is great…the rest are awful.

I end up back in NYC last year, met a man I swore I was going to marry. I finally felt good about myself and my prospects for the first time in years. It had been about 4 years between the prior 1.5 and this man. We have similar interests, I find him wildly attractive, he challenges me without putting me down, and he doesn’t do anything wildly inappropriate when we meet.

We date but once again, it’s a secret. I set a boundary: okay fine cuz I’m crazy about you, but at the 3 month mark its either real or done. First month I swear by that BS about ‘something good comes after the rain’ but then it slowly becomes my worst nightmare. Turns out in retrospect I truly believe for various reasons he is a sociopath, and he was mimicking my emotions with no sincere care or feelings of his own.

It becomes emotionally abusive and I’m stunned in my 30s with all the work I’d done on myself that I’d fall for this shit. I no longer feel good about myself, he’s constantly mocking my weight, ptsd, and fact I’m just plain not good enough. He even went to meet my family, then claimed it was never serious and I shouldn’t have read into it!!! Shockingly I ended it after watching Archer and seeing him be that way to Pam, who my asshole ex was sure Archer would never sleep with.

We unfortunately are around each other, not by choice, despite the end, and I lose all my sanity within months. He gets a new gf and tells me how she’s thin and better than me. He continues mocking the fact I was alone, so sets me up with a friend of his thats only a friends with benefit thing. That ends not badly but because that’s just not my scene man.

I have a nervous breakdown. I move away again. I see a new therapist. She seems great until one day she declares I should have just kept my legs shut then abuser wouldn’t have been a problem! I swear off therapy forever as this is not the first bad incident I’ve had (the prior good guy was like 1 in 5 attempts). I go for the weed and prozac. And now I’m alone, 32, and in rural hell again.

When I was a kid they mocked me because I wasn’t good enough. Now I’m too good at what I shouldn’t be (have traveled, have done things out in the world when they haven’t left the state line), and still bad at what I should be (weight). I seriously pursued bariatric surgery after the breakdown, but I have a hard time believing I should seriously curtail my ability to eat and drink in life so maybe a few more bar flys will find me worthy.

Online dating sucks in the city and in rural hell. I am succinct and put no hookups, all I get is hookups despite the app, the area, the pictures chosen. And frankly not having kids and not loving Trump already made the replies low in this place.

All I can conclude now is that through a decade, through thin and fat, confident and not confident, good and sane and now broken, city and rural, the only constant is me. And it must be something wrong with me. I have literally never been asked out in a manner that didn’t imply it was going right to the bedroom (or just out and out said it). The only time in my life I could get interest is when I was looking for hookups to fuck the pain away over my abuser. I can go to bars, concerts, lectures, book stores, whatev and nobody ever engages me. The last guy to engage me in a thrift store told me I should wear the thin shawl I was looking at for Halloween, and only it. When I quipped that would be mighty cold he laughed and told me to tell ‘him’ (bf/husband I assume?) he tried. He had to be over 55 and looked like the old barflys.

Dr. NerdLove I am seriously at my wits end. I’m lonely, bad at reading social cues anyway (the conclusion is I’m probably on the spectrum; but no one has ever done a full test), and absolutely baffled as to why I am so unworthy of genuine love. And I’d like to stress I find older men (of good taste, not barflys of course) handsome, fat and thin I’ve been with, white and black and latino. Most of my dates I end up paying my share (the last one the guy tried to sneak his beers on my tab… I just let it slide because it was so awful and I wanted it to end). I can’t imagine wanting a clean (hygiene and appearance) guy between 25 and 60 is such a high standard. The last tinder convo I had asked me if *I* was clean STD wise…after agreeing they weren’t looking for sex. I deleted it. I’ve done POF, Match and OkCupid too.

I’m lonely as hell and about to resign to it. Please help.

Fantastic Frustrated Female

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Ask Dr. NerdLove: I Made A Mistake. Is It Too Late To Fix It?

November 5, 2018 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Greetings Doc,

A small preface about me and my dating history: I am a 27 year old male who has never been in a serious relationship, though have had a few flings last about a month. I am a reasonably handsome and pretty fit guy. I’ve never felt the need to necessarily ‘chase’ women – I’m okay with being alone. If I’m out with my buddies and I talk to a lady, great. If I don’t, great. That being said, for a long time my self-esteem and opinion of myself was pretty low, as well as dealing with a self sustained injury to my genitals left me feeling indifferent to the whole dating scene, until recently (thanks in large part to reading your work). I’ve taken steps like upgrading my wardrobe and taking better care of my body/health (everything works as it should).

A few months ago I asked a girl I work with if she wanted to grab some drinks – it was totally platonic, I had the night off and wanted to get out of the house, and she was game. We continued to casually hang and grab drinks every so often, whenever schedules allowed – we are both bartenders working at the same pub. I knew she had been dating a girl for almost a decade (she identifies as bisexual), and didn’t think anything would necessarily happen – until it did. One night as we were hanging out, we got into a little tickling/roughhousing fight, I picked up some serious signs, and made a move. Again, I was under the impression she was still with her girl at this time, although in the moment she did inform me that they were on a break. Great, I thought. A little fun for me!

Afterwards, working with her continued to be great, no issues, business as usual. We hung out and hooked up again, and at that point she explained what she was looking for: nothing serious, just exploring herself as she figures things out. Here is exactly when I caught some serious feelings.

We continued to go out on dates, having fun, always talking for hours and sharing a lot of laughs. She never checks her phone even though I know it’s being blown up, and always looks great and arrives on time.

One day at work I couldn’t help but notice a fella at the bar took quite the shine to her, and I couldn’t help but notice myself getting very jealous. I felt like it was written on my face and made work awkward, so the next time we went out I felt like I had to apologize. Then the floodgates opened: I basically did everything but propose, venting all my frustrations and unrequited love for her. At the time, it felt like a great weight was lifted. Now, I can’t believe how selfish I was: she’s going through something I can’t imagine, her phone is probably being blown up by her ex, all her girlfriends telling her what she should do, checking in on her, on top of whatever other messages she gets from Tinder or Bumble. My feelings and my problems are my own, not hers. My job should simply be her friend – she’s going through something I can’t imagine and the least I can do is just make her laugh and all.

Working with her continued to be great – no lingering awkwardness, still playfully punching/tickling/poking each other, still with the inside jokes about certain annoying patrons. She texted me that night after the date explaining that she was glad to have had that conversation as adults, and stressed nothing would change.

I let things mellow out for a couple weeks, until last week when I asked her to go bowling. Went great, lots of laughs, grabbed drinks afterwards and hung out all night. Said goodbye with one of my patented big ol’ hugs – the kind where I pick you up with a big bear hug. She always giggles and wraps her legs around me as I squeeze a liiiiiitle bit longer than usual. I felt good after that night, so naturally I had to think and ruin my mood. I notice of late she has been lending her car to a manager of ours who I know doesn’t have one, and is going through a rough patch with his own girlfriend. Obviously I began to think the two of them were an item, which again I felt is/was written all over my face.

I suppose my question is, what do I do? Should I let things calm down for a while/no more dates, and accept the fact I’m back to square one? Should I continue asking her out on dates/hanging when we can? Our schedules make it so that we would only have maybe one day/night off together a week, something she would also know. I should also mention I’ve begun using apps like Youper and Headspace to help process my emotions and have felt much better since starting that.

I feel like I know what answer is right, though hearing it from you would mean a lot more than some bullshit bro-science stuff from my idiot bro friends.

You do incredible work. Any response is greatly appreciated, and I can’t thank you enough for taking the time to read this.

Regards,

Insert Foot (a) Into Mouth Slot (b)

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