self-confidence Archives

How Do I Learn To Love Myself?

November 29, 2021 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Dear Dr. NerdLove:

A common truism you hear a lot about dating is “You have to learn to love yourself before you can love anyone else”. I’m bringing that up so I can tie dating to something I want to pick your brain on, which is about self-love.

I find the messaging around how one should feel about themselves to be confusing to navigate. One hand, it’s generally understood one should learn to be humble and self-critical, because the mind is naturally biased towards itself and will resist hearing negative things about itself. On the other hand, we warn about self-loathing and excessive self-criticism. A person having too much negative self-talk is a sign of depression.

To make this more personal, I’m one of those people prone to self-deprecating humor. It’s a habit I’ve had since middle school. I admit, it was definitely unhealthy back then when I would say things like I’m stupid or ugly, things I didn’t really believe but got laughs. Nowadays I try to be more realistic (I’m a knowledgeable person and I look okay when I dress well, I think) but I’ll still joke about how much of a loser I am occasionally. I see some criticism of self-deprecating humor and ironically it’s makes me defensive. I think, “Yeah, I’m making myself look bad, but at least I’m humbling myself. Better than being egotistical”.

And that’s what I want to know. How can I have confidence and practice self-love without becoming a narcissist? I see people online express love towards themselves in ways that I could never feel comfortable doing because I believe that if I said them, it would be arrogant. I could never say “I’m hot” or “I’m cool” because I just don’t believe those about myself. I’m not saying that people who do are arrogant, I’m just saying I don’t have the will to stand up for myself if I got push back for saying those things. And I just have a hard time relating to people who do.

And I mean, while lack of self-confidence can be harmful to one’s health and social life, arrogance does still exist right? Whenever we see someone gassing themselves up to an extreme level and acting like they’re the hottest shit in the room we all recognize that person as an asshole. I mean look at the Artist Formally Known as Kanye. Few people looked at that guy and thought “That man is an example of radical self-love”.

What makes the pressure to gain self-love worse for me is the political aspect of it. There are people who practice self-love not just for their mental health, but to push back against a society that devalues anyone who isn’t a cishet white male (What’s that phrase? “Lord grant me the confidence of a mediocre white man”). I’m a POC so I understand the importance of that, but if I’m in a situation where I’m not being valued, I just can’t imagine getting away with responding with “You just don’t want to see a proud afro-latino thrive”.

Where I’m at is that I think I love myself as much as I would if I were a separate person, and that I could love myself more if I felt I’ve improved. I believe my humility is honest and not just a shield to make people comfortable. It might have been back in middle school, but I swear it isn’t anymore. Yet people make it sound like loving yourself is something anyone can learn to do no matter who they are and what state they are at. And if that’s true, then I have no idea what’s holding me back.

So what do you think? How does one gain self-love without feeling arrogant?

Love At Fifth Sight

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I Turned My Life Around. So Why Can’t I Find A Date?

November 1, 2021 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hi Dr. NerdLove,

I turned my life around, but still can’t find a date. I suppose I’m your typical young adult geek. I live in a small apartment with collectible toys on shelves. I play video games, gossip on pop culture websites and don’t sleep well unless I’ve watched an episode of Star Trek to make me comfortable in bed. I’m also short, pudgy and often feel quite unattractive. I’ve had a single long-term relationship a few years ago, but things have been quiet since.

I felt my life was going in a direction I didn’t like — so I made a drastic move. I went to law school to become a lawyer. I learned how to network and how to build up my self-confidence. I started a busy career. I face professionals who have a lot more experience than me — and I win. It makes me proud to say that I’m good at what I do.

On the one hand, I want my story to inspire other geeks who lack self-confidence. We can use our inherent smarts to take go wherever we want to go. However, I’m somewhat more abject to admit that my dating world hasn’t changed.

I’m still the same old toy collecting Trekkie despite my “new” life. Heck, I once wrote an article in law school about how Federation captains can legally analyze their duties under the Prime Directive.

I thought a new career would make me more appealing to women. I’m a really kind person (like most geeks), and hoped that women would see me for my personality and my success. So much has changed for the better, but I’m still alone and left wondering what else society expects me to do. I like who I am — and I don’t want to change, but at the same time it hurts. I feel that no matter what, women are going to see me as a pudgy geek until the day I either get lucky — or throw my toys out and watch a football game.

Thanks for your guidance,

Geek, Esq.

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Am I Dating The Wrong People?

October 25, 2021 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Dear Doctor:

I (28M) wonder how I can stop second guessing myself in dating. Everything seems to be going right. Yet, I wonder: is it? When do I know that I’ve become successful at dating?

As background, I’ve only been dating for a year, when, after the pandemic, I started thinking, “maybe I should find a wife.” Since then, I’ve had a lot of first dates and some second ones. I’ve never been in a relationship and never had a girlfriend.

I took that internet test that uses personality to predict gender and, based on my answers, it predicted that I have a 98 percent chance of being a woman. While I’m secure in my manhood, I think that does sum up who I am as a person. I have a lot of stereotypically feminine traits. And when I read advice blogs, I’m almost always taking the (typical) woman’s perspective. So, my approach to dating seems, from what I read, like a typical woman’s.

And I only ever date exactly one kind of woman: shy, religious, nerdy, practical ones. Around my age. Who all look somewhat similar. I simply am incapable of dating anyone else. Everything about how I date attracts this kind of woman: how I talk, what I talk about, who I am, everything. I’m somehow very good at attracting this particular kind of woman and no other kinds.

So, every woman who I have a conversation with on a dating app is like that. Even if it’s not obvious from their profile. Every woman who I am interested in in real-life is like that. I’ve only been on multiple dates with about five women in my life, and they were (almost) all like that.

Sometimes, I wonder what it would be like to meet a woman at a bar. Except I never go to bars. And I never drink. I just think maybe this is my last moment to potentially become an “exciting, cool person.” And while I know it’s bad to date someone just because they will improve who you are. I sort of feel like if only I dated someone “cool and exciting”, maybe I could become that way. And I would have lots of fun.

Or if I date my type, maybe I’ll lose some essential part of myself, like I’ll switch from being an extrovert to being an introvert. Or something else bad, given I’ve never had a girlfriend, I would not know.

I did date exactly one woman who was different from my type, ever so slightly. She was very extroverted and had a chaotic energy. That ended after two dates. I felt super anxious when dating her. I suppose I didn’t really feel like we had much going for us. And maybe it was a self-fulfilling prophecy. She said we didn’t have chemistry after two dates.

And right now, I’ve been on multiple dates with a woman who’s exactly my type. And more or less, exactly like everyone I date. We’re taking our relationship very slowly. I don’t feel that anxious. Yet, I don’t feel that excited either. Maybe I just need to wait a month or so for “new relationship energy.” I simply wonder if I actually like her or I just like her, because of who she is, that she has all the attributes of my type (for example, she reads a lot, she plays board games).

How do I know if I actually want to be in a relationship with a woman who’s my type? How do I know if me and women of this type would actually make for a good relationship? Or how do I know if I simply am physically and emotionally incapable of dating anyone else?

Sincerely,

Confused+

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How To Talk To Women (And Get Them To Like You)

September 1, 2021 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Let’s talk about some common misconceptions when it comes to meeting women.

One of the most common questions I get from men is “where do I go to meet women?”

More often than not, the people who ask me this aren’t asking the right question. They see women all the time, throughout their day to day lives. The disconnect is that they don’t know what to do; they’ve absorbed so many conflicting ideas of when it is or isn’t appropriate to approach women or how to do so that they’re left feeling caught in a trap.

Two friends looking at a woman sitting on a park bench — “Go talk to her bro!”
“Dude, the wind is blowing in the wrong direction and the moon is in the wrong house. This is how you get canceled…”

If they don’t thread the needle of “right time/right place/right method” just so, they’re doomed to be accused of being a creeper. They’re terrified that they will screw up by accident and a good-faith attempt to talk to somebody will crash and burn in a spectacular fashion. Next thing you know, they’re in the final reels of Frankenstein, being chased by a torch-and-pitchfork wielding mob of faceless anti-creep vigilantes. In reality, the worst they’re likely to face is an awkward conversation that is easily forgotten as soon as they leave that person’s eye-line. However, our fears our rarely rational and logical.

The problem that they’re having isn’t that they’re not meeting women, it’s that they don’t know how to meet them. They’re seeing meeting women in terms of a cold-approach scenario, where they’re trying to approach a total stranger and impress her enough to make her consider starting a sexual or romantic relationship with them… and this doesn’t work. In fact, the scenarios most men imagine are almost perfectly designed to backfire in their faces for one very simple reason: women are tired of strangers trying to ‘pick them up’.

The men who are the best at meeting and dating awesome women understand this; they know how to connect with women in ways that bypass the feeling of “he’s just trying to pick me up” and create an immediate and powerful connection. You don’t need the gift of gab or to be a Hollywood celebrity. You simply have to know the right way to approach and talk to women.

Here’s how.

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Men, This Is Why You THINK You’re Ugly

August 4, 2021 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

So, I’m gonna do something a little different today.

There’re some letters I get over and over again. Not from the same person, but variations on an incredibly common theme. There are some letters and topics that come up so often with the same insecurities, often using identical language, that it seems pretty obvious they’re coming from the same place, literally and metaphorically. And just between you, me and everyone reading this… it gets a bit frustrating. I mean, it’s not like I haven’t covered these topics in exhausting detail. And likewise, it’s not as though I haven’t covered how to handle these issues.

Angry frustrated annoyed young adult man consumer feel rage looking at computer notebook screen — I mean, do folks not realize I have a search bar and extensive archive?

So needless to say, I get a bit of a headache when I get the latest version of “why do women only like X guys” like this one:

Doc , I feel really depressed and I want to share with you my story. Growing up i knew i was not the most handsome man in the room , women always ignore me because i was , well , not an eye candy.i bet that you get this question asked fair often but , if you are average can you be attractive to women? it seems that in order to be attractive to women you need to be a really really good looking dude (and tall , and muscular..) never in my life any women give a damn about me (and being honest , i never talk to them) but why in the name of god a woman (who has all the options of the world and 0% reject rate and access to modern day dating apps such as Tinder or Bumble) will choose me?

i read your article about pre -rejection but i think you are underestimating the amount of power women have when it comes to dating , any woman no matter how “ugly” she is can have the most handsome man in the room for a casual fling or relationship , women don’t face any hardship in the dating world. in fact , being a man is actually a curse , you have to do all the hard work in all the stages all your life. my main problem Doc is that i find very difficult to feel empathy to women since they have all the advantage. i don’t want to feel that way but is the way i feel.

(All grammar and spelling are from the original.)

But rather than go into how to solve these problems — seriously, I’ve got ten years worth of archives, podcasts, YouTube videos and several books, folks — we’re gonna get to the root of it all. Because, quite frankly, no amount of self-improvement is going to work until you focus on why, not the how. And that means talking about how folks get here, first.

So come up to the lab and see what’s on the slab; it’s time for a little exploratory emotional surgery. Here’s why so many men feel unattractive.

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