Dear Dr. NerdLove:
I’m a cis woman who has been happily married to a kind, gentle, cis man for 3 years. The only area where we are mismatched is our libidos — mine is very high and his is not. But we’ve made it work and for the most part and sex has been enjoyable, if a little dull.
Over the past couple of years, I have developed a serious interest in “rough sex.” Without going into too much detail, there are several things I would like to try that sound very enticing to me.
During our last sexual encounter, I talked to my husband about this beforehand and asked him if he would incorporate a few of these things to try them out — like biting me and slapping different parts of my body. He agreed, and it was the best sex we’ve had in a long time. It did not hurt me, and I found everything incredibly enjoyable.
The next day, I was talking with my husband about this to see how he felt and if he liked it. He said it was alright, but he’d prefer to just have “boring sex” (his words) from now on. I was disappointed, but didn’t know what to say.
The rougher sexual encounter has made me hungry for more. I want to do it again. But, I know it made my husband uncomfortable so I won’t force him to do anything. I can’t stop running scenarios around in my mind of things I really want to try, none of which I can do because I know my husband won’t be up for it.
Why can’t I just let this go and be satisfied with what I do have? Is there something pathologically wrong with me?
Counting The Bruises