self-esteem Archives - Paging Dr. NerdLove

I Have A Great Life. So Why Do I Feel Like A Loser?

April 9, 2021 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hey Doc,

No shit, I’ve been reading your columns on and off for about ten years now. I’ll admit that I often sneer at some of the advice because it seems so far-fetched or inapplicable to myself. But I think maybe it’s time that I actually see if you had any thoughts about my situation.

I’m 34 years old. I have had one girlfriend in my entire life. We dated for 18 months ten years ago, and broke up. I was an insecure wreck of a person, and I am fairly sure my own insecurity and insistence that there was no way she’d ever stay with me is what pushed her away. She was way out of my league, and could do better, but was in a lonely and vulnerable position in life and I was convenient I guess. Since then, I haven’t even so much as asked a girl out.

I spent a long time after that in college and in grad school. I come from a family that was never super well off. I’m the first person in the family to ever go to college let alone obtain a masters degree. I felt for years and years like if I am going to accomplish something, it better be something big because being an obese, bespectacled nerd from a lower working class background was something that would always stand in my way if I wanted anything good in my life to happen. Particularly if I wanted a partner or to have kids.

Full disclosure, and I know this sounds nuts to most people so I keep it to myself, the idea of having kids is important to me because there’s no one in my family left at this point with my name, and I feel like if my name is to ever be redeemed I have to pass whatever social mobility I have achieved onward. This is something I was ever conditioned really to believe in my upbringing, but something that I believe with an almost fanatical zeal.

Within a year of graduation from graduate school, I worked my first political campaign. I was hired on as district director for the legislator I helped get re-elected. Within a year after that, I was elevated to chief of staff. I am now in the process of running for local office myself, and working toward the goal of forming a political consulting group with a few other like minded individuals to elect progressive candidates in suburban seats. The amount of acceptance I have found makes me…uncomfortable.

I feel, essentially, like all of this could be taken from me at any moment once someone realizes I’m not nearly as talented or skilled as they thought I was. I find myself wondering why none of these people can see through the facade and understand that beneath being able to make things happen I’m a fundamentally broken person who can’t even do simple things that everyone seems to be able to do (like ask a girl out).

Over the years, my interest in dating has actually shrunk because I have been alone for so long now that incorporating another person into my life seems like it would be a huge chore. But at the same time I still have nights where I wish there was someone who I could share my life with. Outside of work (which is not much because I’m always working) all I do is drink, play games, watch stuff, and smoke. It’s not pretty, and I’m not a looker either. But it’s the only way I ever really feel alive in any meaningful sense of the word.

All of my friends think I sell myself short. My family nominally loves me, but clearly resent me for going to school and trying to make something of myself. My mom definitely, definitely resents the fact that the good looking son (my brother) is openly gay and will give her no grandchildren, and her only card left for that particular outcome is her obese son that “thinks he’s smarter than everyone and acts all superior.” I don’t, by the way, but my family are, for lack of a better way to describe them, insecure around anyone who has achieved anything higher than what they have.

I guess the thing that bothers me most is that while all of these things have happened that I never thought I could have, and never thought I deserved to begin with, I still feel basically empty and unaccomplished. Like I am my job and my skillset, and nothing more. Disconnected from the human part of my life. Back when I was still a loser in college living at home with a dead end job I would think “One day, I’ll have a better job, and my own apartment, and then I’ll be worthy.”

Now I have all of that, and I’m not. I’d still rather shave an entire layer of skin off my whole body than approach a woman or flirt.

What do you think?

Sincerely,

The Worst

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The 5 Common Mistakes That Ruin Dating For Men

March 17, 2021 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Dating should be fun. Done right, it’s a blast. There’s a thrill in meeting someone awesome and getting to know them. There’s the excitement of discovering the fascinating side of a new person. And of course, there’s the exciting nervousness that comes as a relationship progresses and goes from “dates” to “this may be serious…”

But a lot of guys struggle to make that initial connection. Dating can be a serious challenge for a lot of men, who may struggle even with that initial connection — whether it’s meeting women in person, or through dating apps. It’s incredibly frustrating, especially when you don’t know what you’re doing wrong. The things that seem to come so easily to other men feel almost impossible for you.

This is the leading cause of sitting at the bar, pretending to be texting on your phone rather than admitting that you’re there by yourself…

Many times, the issue is that men who struggle with dating are making things harder on themselves. The problem is that they’re making incredibly common mistakes — mistakes that could easily be avoided. Here are some of the mistakes that make dating harder for men and how to avoid them.

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How Can Men Look for Casual Sex Without Being Creepy?

March 12, 2021 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hello Doc,

My question is, honestly, is it truly possible for men to actively seek out casual sex or hookups without being creepy? Now, let me clarify some things about this question. Theoretically, of course, the answer is obviously “yes”, but practically? How does a man even bring up the idea without ever creeping out a woman? Many women seem to be repulsed by the idea. Some may like it, but only with certain men. Of course, it’s impossible to know if a woman would like hooking up with you, or even if she wouldn’t be utterly repulsed by you asking, without asking in the first place, so even finding out that vital part of the equation seems impossible to do without creeping a woman out, unless you’re ungodly lucky and every single woman you happen to ask just happens to not be repulsed by you asking.

Another thing is even approaching. Ask on Reddit about it, every single possible venue has its detractors.
“Don’t ask me at the store, I’m just there to shop.”
“Don’t ask me at class, I’m there to learn.”
“Don’t ask me at salsa lessons, I’m there to dance salsa, and I’d be uncomfortable dancing with guys who ask me.”
“Don’t ask me at the coffee shop, I’m there to read/work.”
“Don’t ask me at the bar, I’m just there to drink with friends.”
“Don’t ask me at the club, I’m just there to dance with friends.”

It would be one thing if these were just framed as personal preference, but these always carry the implication that any guy who would do this is probably predatory. And God help you if you DARE ask any follow-up questions about any of these. If you do, it’s obviously because you want to invalidate her opinion or you think you’re entitled to women’s time. Just about the only uncontroversial venue is Tinder. But for many men, that’s just a self-esteem destroyer, of constant one-sided swiping and ghosting.

Some may say that the best thing to do is through social circles or activity groups. But because of everything else I mentioned, I REALLY do not want to do that. If I creep out a stranger, that sucks, but there’s likely no more negative consequences than that. The fact that she even would meet me again is slim to none. But if I creep out a friend or a friend or someone else in an activity group, that’s just terrible. She could tell others about how I creeped her out, my already existing friends would be more suspicious of me, any future interaction with any female member of the group would be tainted, I might even get shunned from the group. That makes me never want to look to friends or activity groups.

So basically, how is it even possible for a man to look for hookups without being creepy? It sounds like he’d need ungodly luck. First, the woman has to not be offended by a simple approach. Then, she has to not be repulsed by the idea of hooking up, and then, to not be repulsed by the idea of hooking up with him. None of those are knowable without asking in the first place. But to ask requires approaching in the first place. And then if he asks, she would then know he thinks of her like that…

Seeking Something Casual

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How Men Can Stop Feeling Unwanted

March 4, 2021 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Being a man, particularly a straight, cisgendered man, can be a perverse paradox at times. Society caters to us in almost every way imaginable. Even in 2021, as we strive towards greater social and sexual equity for people of different genders and sexualities, straight cis men are very much at the top of the social heap. And yet, men are lonelier and more isolated than ever, feeling not just lost but ignored or cast aside.

It seems laughable; society caters to straight men to an absurd degree. The world is nothing if not considerate of men’s wants and interests. Straight men’s desires, anxieties and — especially — their boners aren’t just the Rosetta stone of modern advertising, but much of pop culture over all. The entire literary fiction genre, for example, is an almost constant paean to navel gazing dudes who want to muse about roads not taken and drown their ennui in the desire to bone much younger women.

bearded young man in glasses, wearing a tweed jacket and tan waistcoat rubbing his chin — “Yes, I’m a published author and well respected, tenured professor of literature at a prestigious university… but somehow I’m still unfulfilled. Maybe another affair with an undergrad will help.”

But like I said my column on men’s fear of being “invisible”, the issue isn’t so much the way the world celebrates and validates male sexuality or interests. It’s the feeling that while the world continues to validate men’s desire for sex and power, the men themselves are excluded from it. They’re continually shown their hearts’ desires, but the fulfilment of them is kept just out of reach. They’re told that this is what they’re supposed to want, that this is what makes them a “real man”, but they’re unable to partake of it. It’s the frustration — even despair — of realizing that the rewards they were told to expect for being men and following the rules laid out for them are never going to be delivered, and certainly not in the way they were promised.

Animated gif from Fight Club: Tyler Durden saying "We've all been raised on television to believe that one day we'd all be millionaires, and movie gods, and rock stars. But we won't." — Of course it all comes back to Fight Club; it’s like you’ve never been read my column before…

It comes up in many, many different ways. Because we still celebrate and lionize toxic and restrictive forms of masculinity, even in media that purports to deconstruct them, men who don’t meet (often self-imposed) hypermasculine ideals feel as though they aren’t “real” men.

Brad Pitt as Tyler Durden, shirtless and smoking a cigarette — *Still* looking at you, Fight Club.

Others feel excluded from the rewards of manhood and masculinity because of factors outside of their control — a lack of social experience or fluency, their body types, their height, or due to stereotypes based around race, culture or gender presentation.

This feeling — of being excluded, cast aside and discarded — is something I hear from men all the time. It comes up in letters, it gets mixed in with discussions about online harassment, street harassment and cat-calling, even in discussions about character design in comics, video games and movies. And while it’s the sort of thing that seems like it’s easily laughed off — oh no, dudes aren’t getting all the attention — it’s a real and legitimate issue.

After all, those feelings of being unwanted, loneliness, rejection and isolation can be hard to break out of. It’s all too easy for that feeling to curdle into despair.. or worse.

But, despite what many will tell you, it isn’t a matter of the lucky and the ones who got fucked by the fickle finger of fate. Nor is it about hitting the gym or getting plastic surgery or other quick fixes.

Here’s how you learn to stop feeling unwanted and undesired.

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Help, I’m Afraid It’s Too Late For Me To Find Love!

February 1, 2021 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Dear Doc:

I woke up in March and April of 2020 to the fact that I was an obese virgin that had no chance whatsoever of finding a girl to be in a relationship with, let alone just hook up with. After almost killing myself I decided to try and change. Between May and November of 2020 I lost 50lbs (from 205lbs to 155lbs) and started working out in September, meaning that technically I’ve improved my looks a lot. I still think I look terrible, though, even though I have no loose skin or anything like that. I think my face is awful, and an average build doesn’t seem to be good enough these days.

And I’m still a 23 year old virgin. I didn’t used to care, but it hit me like a truck when the pandemic hit. This weighs on me so heavily that I can’t seem to gain any confidence from my weight loss. With all social events and gatherings cancelled that most people recommend I should be going to now that I supposedly look better it seems that I’m doomed to graduate college a virgin. One of the worst things is that I have a job on campus at a building frequented by everyone and see so many couples just doing their thing, as if it’s proof that something is wrong with me because I couldn’t date or hookup before Covid and still can’t afterwards.

My grades are good, I have disposable income for dates, I have a job, but I can’t seem to find a girl interested. Considering how things are I feel like I truly will be missing the boat when I graduate. No girl wants to fuck a 24, 25, 26+ year old virgin these days, at least that’s the way I feel a lot of the time. I feel like I’ll never find someone to be in a relationship with if I couldn’t meet a single girl in college that liked me. I’m not asking for advice on how to hook up or anything like that, I’d just like to know some advice on how to get over being a virgin, or better accept that I’m more than likely going to be alone for the long haul.

— First Time, No Time

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