Hi Doc,
I’m a cis/het male age 30 living in a really booming region of the USA. I have a great job that I’m proud of, my own place, and a small group of close friends of both men and women. As far as hobbies, I’m super into Latin dancing after first picking it up 4 years ago. I attend at least 1 social and 1 class every week. I attend writers’ groups, pub trivia, dinner/drinks groups, hiking groups, hockey games, and lift weights 4x a week among other things. I cook a new recipe every Sunday. I see a therapist twice a month to help with depression. I’m told by just about everyone that I’m good looking and I shouldn’t be worried about people not liking what they see. By most metrics, I’m killing it, socially and life-wise. For the 6 months I tried online dating, I went on 8 first dates. I’ve also never had a girlfriend or had sex due to severe depression and body dysmorphia through my 20s.
However, whenever I meet a women who I’m interested in (as in: I’m actually spending time around her and interested in her, not “ooh she’s pretty”), I get a sinking feeling in my stomach that’s followed by thoughts like “she’s better than you/she doesn’t have to pick you/she can get someone better than you”. It’s really counterproductive and when I actually ask them out, I get some form of no and that voice tells me “told you so”. I think the problem is that once I decide I’m attracted to someone, I place them on a pedestal and I feel crushed under the standards and expectations that I IMAGINE she has, not that she actually has. The reason I listed out all those things in the first paragraph is to illustrate how much I have going on in my life but that voice tells me it’s still not enough to make me “in demand” the same way I often imagine the women I like are.
I need to be comfortable with me as I am right now and not worry about what I lack. I know I shouldn’t build that on top of other peoples’ approval, but is it not a reasonable thing to want? I contend with a lot of negative self talk and worry that 30 is too late. I do a lot of gratitude journaling, meditation, exercise, noting small victories, but it feels like a form of settling for less rather than a (admittedly narrow) definition of success.
I don’t know what to do about these feelings of inadequacy. I have a social life, I get out of the house all the time, I do internal work, I don’t know what else I can do.
Thanks for doing what you do,
Dancing Fool