self-improvement Archives - Paging Dr. NerdLove

The 5 Steps To Upgrading Your Life

April 28, 2021 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

During the early days of the COVID-19 pandemic, there was a lot of talk about how this was an opportunity to do things differently. Now that everyone was in lockdown, they had absolutely nothing else to do but work on themselves.

Screenshot of a tweet that reads: "If you don’t come out of this quarantine with either: 1.) a new skill 2.) starting what you’ve been putting off like a new business 3.) more knowledge You didn’t ever lack the time, you lacked the discipline" — Sure chief, nothing like trying to develop a side-hustle when you’re busy trying to, y’know, not die…

Sure they had to balance work, relationships, trying to meet basic needs without catching the plague of the 21st century, possibly dealing with child-care or elder care, home-schooling and the crippling stress that came with living through one of the most psychologically and emotionally taxing periods in living memory… but they were going to make it happen, damn it!

Needless to say: trying to maintain your sanity — with or without the help of your robot friends — during a global crisis is going to take up most of your emotional bandwidth. The fact that you survived to this point is a victory worth celebrating, no matter what else you did or didn’t do during lockdown.

Now that more and more people are getting vaccinated and the tide of the pandemic is slowly starting to recede, we’re all starting to take those first, tentative, trembling steps back out into the world. We’re all in the same boat of trying to dust off those unused social skills and remember how to act like people instead of the feral beasts we’ve all become.

Image of Gollum with a perplexed expression on his face — Wait, this is how people smile, right? It’s been so long…

For a lot of folks, that time in isolation means that they’ve had time to take stock, look at their lives and decide that it’s time to do things differently. Plenty of people, after a year in semi- or complete isolation are ready to make significant — even life-altering — changes to their lives.

But the question becomes: how do you radically transform yourself? How can you become a new, better person? Just as importantly: how do you make those changes stick? Following these 5 steps will help you build your best life ever.

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Did I Miss My Only Chance To Lose My Virginity?

April 19, 2021 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hello, Doc. Your audience base went worldwide. Congrats !

Now, I’ve been severely repressed by family and religion for years. Forced to see people having fun and enjoying life while I was always locked in a room studying and praying. As a result, I never learned how to read social cues, or how to talk to people outside of a professional setting.

I’m a 22 year old virgin. It’s an awful thing in on itself. Problem is, in my country the average age to get rid of your virginity is 12. Being denied any casual social contacts and venues to obtain relationships and sex wrecked me, and the knife was just driven further in college, where my ineptitude and constant pressure for academic accomplishments I ingrained into myself ruined any chance I had at having sex or friendships.

I now have a ton of issues, crippling loneliness, self harming and constant seizures where I bust out laughing and crying at the same time whenever I see happy couples enjoying each other’s company. Can’t watch music clips or any kind of videos of music festivals. The vision of people being happy, partying, enjoying their youth is too much to handle.

At times I catch myself thinking if I would be ok with being used like those 14 year olds who get in trouble for having sex with their teachers. I’d be perfectly ok with being someone’s sex toy. Better to be a toy than a dirty sopping wet rag in a dark corner.

I wish I could’ve been young. Had fun. Go to at least one orgy in college, get drunk and do something stupid, smoke a blunt or a bong. Have sex in a dorm and leave a sock in the knob. Get rid of this festering wound of virginity at the proper age.

I wish I flipped the bird at my parents and at my religion. I wish I never listened to them. If I didn’t, I’d be a human right now. I’d have lived, instead of just existing locked in a room, studying.

What do I do?

Too Little Too Late

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Why Do Women “Never Feel A Connection” With Me?

April 16, 2021 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Dr. NerdLove,

I have a few hang ups around relationships that I’ve tried to work through, but haven’t made any headway on in years.

The big, number one thing at my core is that throughout my whole 20’s, I’ve learned more and more that there is nothing innately interesting or appealing about my personality. It’s just that I, as an individual, don’t hit any notes with anyone.

I write fiction, and every rejection for every story and novel is the same (and please don’t give a “hey, you wrote a novel, that’s an accomplishment” line. Tons of people write novels that never see the light of day): “not right at this time,” “not for me,” and so on. The big one that hit me was being told “there’s nothing really wrong, but nothing really right.” So I thought more about it, and considered how a good writer (even of fantasy and sci-fi) has life experiences that inform their voice as a writer and I was hit by the realization that I lack life experiences, most specifically, the one thing I’ve always felt horrible about: romantic relationships.

I’ve always felt terrible and insecure about being single in my 20s(late 20s now, which in my family is old for being single). Most happily married people I know got married young, and my family’s culture doesn’t really have a place for single guys. Eventually, everyone will have their own families and I’ll be phased out.

And so my thought about writing led me to think the reason I’m a bad writer is the same reason women aren’t interested in me: I have no distinct voice or personality. The rejections are the same: “not right for me” or “I didn’t feel a connection.” Hearing that once or several times isn’t necessarily a reflection on me, as you’ve written before. But hearing it 100% of the time in dating and in other parts of life means there is something to it. I am completely milquetoast both as a man and a writer.

And so, I went to grad school for creative writing, in the hopes that I would learn how to be an interesting writer, and therefore become an interesting person in the process, and then maybe someone would like me, because I “got it now.” And while I found that time valuable and instructive, and I worked my tail off to get better, I was met by the same thing. People didn’t resonate with me and my work. Before I graduated, I talked with a professor who I previously told about wanting the ability to resonate with a reader/audience which I always lacked, and they said that after all this time, I was still just “nothing wrong, but nothing right.”

And that just broke me in a way. I haven’t written any creative work since. I have made no attempt to meet women in that time. Because there’s nothing right about me, even if there is nothing wrong(which is false). The last time I went on a first date was years ago, and there was no second date because she didn’t feel a connection… the exact same way people feel about anything I’ve ever written. I only ever had one long-term relationship anyway, and that started as a fluke, and ended because I never truly believed that she could be in love with me despite her saying so.

The worst part of it, though, is this: I don’t have it in me to try anymore. Not for dating or writing. It just hurts too much. Every rejection I get brings with it the pain of every past rejection rolled into one. It’s a weight that steadily builds with each new rejection, and the only way to cast off that weight is by finding just one success.

But I feel that the next rejection is just going to beat me down so hard that I can’t try. And it spills over into other things, too. I can’t exercise consistently because I know that a fitter me is still the me who has an uninteresting personality that won’t be wanted, just less fat.

But the loneliness hurts too, and I want the loneliness to end just as much as I want my personality to stop being so useless.

I know this is a long ramble, but the point is this: how do I fix something so fundamental about myself like my personality? Because my lack of individuality and subjective appeal is what keeps dragging me down. And it can’t just be my self-perception, because everything I’ve ever read about internal validation just sets off my red flag detector for being mental gymnastics or magical thinking. Even after reading all about negativity bias and confirmation bias, I still feel this, so maybe there’s something I don’t fully understand about internal validation.

– Can’t Be a Late Bloomer When There’s Nothing to Bloom

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When Does My Life Finally Get Better?

April 7, 2021 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Dear Dr. NerdLove,

I’ve been an avid reader of work for quite some time, and really tried to incorporate a more open-minded and exploratory approach to meeting others and developing my social skills. I find however that despite my best efforts…my bitterness/frustration isn’t getting better.

I didn’t expect overnight success in dating or in personal outlook (especially when the pandemic has decimated social activity), but I can’t help feeling the things I know are wrong or unproductive. Maybe it’s because I struggle finding people I’m compatible with (lots of sports/country music/mudding/quadding enthusiasts in my area, not my dig), or maybe the demographics aren’t in my favour (lots of single moms in my area, no thanks). I’ve actively sought out social groups before the pandemic and now through digital events, but I just didn’t find a possible relationship.

I know I’m not perfect (overweight, live at home still) and my flaws don’t define me, but they still nag at me and discourage me more often than not. My work schedule doesn’t allow me to go to exercise classes, and I get mad at myself for not working out at home. I want to dress better, but fewer and fewer of my clothes fit. I want to meet new people, but I see nothing on Meetup/Facebook local that interests me. I find my friends talk about grown-up stuff like buying appliances or tending their gardens, but I don’t have much to offer in those conversations. I just feel various things that still remind me I’m not “where I need to be in life” (which of course is a bullshit thing to think).

Ultimately, I’m trying to fight back against the things I don’t like about myself, but I’m starting to feel out of my depth. When does the momentum start working FOR me and not AGAINST me?

Sincerely,

Escape From Jerkbrain

Well, EFJ, you’ve already zeroed in on what’s wrong. It’s very much just a case of your jerkbrain fucking with you. The question, of course, is what do you do about all of this?

Yes, observations like this this are why I get paid the tall blogging dollar. Roll with me here.

You’re very in your head right now, and that’s kind of a problem. See, the issue is that you’re getting locked into a very specific thought pattern. You’re looking at your circumstances and, since you aren’t seeing an immediately obvious solution, you’re getting frustrated. Case in point, exercise and clothes. These are fairly solvable problems, if you don’t limit yourself to what feels like a fairly narrow perspective.

The first and most obvious thing is that not looking like a Hemsworth isn’t an automatic disqualifier. There are people who like dudes who look the way hugs feel, after all. But let’s say that you really want to work on your overall fitness, regardless of looks. Your current work schedule doesn’t allow for exercise classes, which is legit; that’s one of the things that can be hard to shift around. But the issue isn’t finding the time to exercise — you could exercise at home — but the will to do so. You’re running into issues of actually motivating yourself to work out at home. The question, then, is what are you doing instead of exercising and why? The why is important, because that gets into the meat of the issue. One of the things that trips people up when it comes to start self-improvement isn’t finding the time, it’s a matter of priorities. If you’re having an an issue fitting something — exercise, in this case — into your schedule, it’s usually because of a question of conflicting priorities; there are things you are unwilling to give up in exchange for the time to exercise. Sometimes that’s things like sleep or food prep. Other times, it’s leisure activities or even just farting around on the Internet. You, for personal reasons, prioritize those activities over working out. And to be clear: I’m not judging you on this. There are reasons why X, Y or Z are a higher priority for you and that’s legit.

However, examining why those are a higher priority can help you figure out where or how you want to shift things around. Maybe you’re doing X at a time when you might otherwise be working out because it’s how you decompress after work. Or Y is part of how you socialize with friends. But Z may be because of force of habit or getting caught in a negative loop (constantly refreshing Facebook, even though you’re bored and don’t actually care). You might feel intimidated and overwhelmed by the idea of starting a workout regimine and you go do something else to relieve that stress instead. Or, hell, you might have issues with executive dysfunction and can’t get the neurons that control the desire to exercise to fire.

Once you understand the reason, you can use that to figure out how to switch exercise in. For example, I have TV shows and podcasts that are specifically for when I work out; I don’t watch them unless I’m on the elliptical or listen to them if I’m not going for a hike. Pairing the two together makes it easier to motivate myself to exercise. If it’s a question of intimidation, then the best thing is to simplify things. Having a structured exercise plan can help; systems like Couch to 5k or Zombies, Run can break the process into easily digestible chunks that build on one another. Or you might simply just take time to go for walks; an hour of walking burns the same calories as a half-hour of jogging, and the recovery period is much faster.

Clothing is a similar issue. You want to dress better, but your clothes don’t fit well right now. The answer is obvious: new clothes. But if you’re hoping to lose weight, wouldn’t you want to wait until you’re at the weight you want to go clothes shopping? The truth is… not really, no. One of the mistakes people make is that they are putting off feeling good about themselves and assigning it to their Future Self. But that Future Self is never going to manifest; you end up finding reasons to kick that Future Self further and further down the road. You’ll want to wait until you’ve dropped X pounds… but then you’ll want to wait until you’ve built up Y muscle… and then develop your social skills. And it’s hard to stay motivated to do any of that when you feel like a big sack of crap otherwise. Dressing well now, even when you want to be in different shape, is important because it makes you feel better. How you dress is an external display of how you feel about yourself; dress like crap and you show that you feel like crap. But this works both ways; if you dress up sharp, you start feeling better about yourself. It’s a trick called “enclothed cognition”, where the symbolism and associations of the clothes affect your behavior, emotional state and performance. So getting some nice clothes now can help spur you to work harder to get to where you want to be. And starting off with, say, a vest and dress shirts from a vintage clothing store and getting them tailored to fit (which is cheaper than you’d think) goes a long way for less money. This gives you some clothes to wear that are sharp, distinct and a step up from your basic t-shirt and jeans combo.

(Plus, the vest/shirt combo helps break up the lines of your body and creates a visual slimming effect. So it’s win/win/win).

This narrow perspective also affects how you’re taking the way your friends talk about their interests. You’re seeing your lack of experience or facility with those topics as proof that you have nothing to offer or that you are insufficiently “grown up”. But the thing is: contributing to the conversation doesn’t mean that you need to have stunning insights or clever observations. You don’t have to be “on the same level” as everyone else to take part. Contributing to the conversation can also be asking questions and showing interest. Asking your buds about things like, say, starting a garden is a way of contributing to the conversation and developing a new hobby or interest. And that, in turn, can help you find interest groups that would make it easier to meet people with like-minded interests.

Taking that same approach — coming at the issue from a different angle — helps with meeting people (including potential partners) or finding groups you want to take part in. Trying groups that aren’t directly related to your interests, but seem like worth exploring can help you explore your passions and become a more interesting and well-rounded person. By that same token, going to those groups doesn’t mean you’re going to meet potential partners. You’re going to meet people in general. But by meeting those people and making new friends, you’re increasing your social circle, which, in turn, means you’re likely to meet more of their friends. You may not meet the love of your life at a weekend Meetup… but you may meet the folks who will introduce you to them.

And don’t forget: people contain multitudes. They may be into sports, but that doesn’t mean they’re not also into tabletop RPGs or Fellini movies or what-have you. Hell, fantasy sports league isn’t that far from a lot of RPG systems or strategy games. If you can follow the DOTA or League of Legends meta, you can run a fantasy football team.

Now let’s say that you do all of this and, by this time next year, you haven’t found a partner yet. Well, the worst case scenario is that you’ve made your life more vibrant and interesting and put yourself in a better position to find someone. At that point, if you decide to pull up stakes and try moving to a place where the demographics are more to your liking — a very legitimate reason to move, by the way — then you’ve laid down a foundation that will make it much easier for you to hit the ground running in that new town. You’ll have made yourself a more compelling person, developed the habits and skills that will enable you to build a new social circle and make new friends, and you’ll have built up your confidence and self-assurance that is so incredibly attractive.

So, really, it’s a can’t-lose proposition. Take a little time, do some self-examination to figure out what precisely is causing you to hold off on starting some of those changes and then make a plan. Keep it simple to avoid overload and burnout, take it at a measured pace and focus on feeling as good about yourself in the now as you will in the future. Build that interesting and varied life and you’ll find that the rest will come far, far easier.

Good luck.

Dear Dr. NerdLove:

I have a question about a situation that I haven’t seen addressed anywhere. I have appreciated all of your great advice in the past, and as soon as I began wondering about this “problem”, I knew you were the person to ask.

I have begun a relationship with a man who is polyamorous. When our relationship started, I was fairly involved in the local poly community (or in the case of the past year, as much as you can be during COVID times), and I’ve spent most of my adult life identifying as an ethical slut who is solo poly. I’m in my early 40’s and pansexual, so I’ve had plenty of time being involved in a variety of poly and ethically non-monogamous relationships. Basically, I’m saying this is not new to me, and this has been how I have strongly identified and operated for at least 25 years.

After much introspection regarding this current relationship and my past relationships/partners, I have come to realize that I do not think that I am necessarily poly. I feel now that I had thought I was poly because I had been searching for something in a partner that I wasn’t ever getting from anyone. Now with this man, I feel very fulfilled and satisfied, and I have no desire to be with anyone else. He truly is exactly the kind of person I want for a partner in every way, and I’m very happy and content to just be with him.

We are both great at being very open and communicating with each other, so we have, of course, discussed this. I have told him the truth about my feelings and thoughts, and he is fine with me only having him for a partner, and also very supportive if things stay that way or if they would ever change. I am on board with whatever he wants out of his life and his relationships, including staying with his wife, having other partners, etc. I have no desire to control or define anything for him – I am just happy with what we have and feel good with just that. He knows that I don’t expect anything more from him, or for him to change anything because I feel that I have changed. This whole paragraph is a long-winded way of saying I am not trying to fuck anything up for him or make him be something he’s not.

So far things have been very good for both of us, we are both very happy with our relationship, and both very much in love. So what’s the problem? Well, I guess it’s that I haven’t been able to find any other stories like this online or in the many books I’ve read about the ENM or poly lifestyle. I’m feeling very alone in thinking and feeling like this. Is this something that’s okay? I feel like it is, but I also feel like it must be fairly rare considering the lack of information or others’ stories about a relationship like ours. For the most part, I think that it’s obvious that if we’re both happy with our arrangement that of course it’s fine! This shouldn’t even be a question or a concern. But there is still this small nagging worry there for me. Can a relationship like this work? Am I really not poly like I thought I was? Am I still poly and just taking a break, or maybe just getting older and retiring the slut label? It’s obviously been very confusing and somewhat frustrating for me even though I know how I feel, I know what I want, and I am happy.

So, I’m writing because I know you will give it to me straight, and I sincerely hope you will be able to answer my “non-question” in some way!

Blurring Lines

This is one of those times that, if I’m perfectly honest, it sounds like you’re inventing a problem where there isn’t one.

One of the things that draws people to various forms of open relationships or non-monogamy is that it means that they don’t feel like their relationships have to be narrowly defined or restrictive. It allows for a wider variety of friendships and romantic relationships, which also means that you aren’t necessarily looking to have all of your needs fulfilled by one person. You can have different kinds of connections, which takes the pressure off each individual relationship. This actually helps make those relationships stronger, because they aren’t buckling under the need to be all things to each partner.

But that doesn’t mean that you can’t or won’t find a partner who does fulfill your needs — if not all of them, then at least enough of them that you don’t feel the lack or the need to look elsewhere. And that may be for now, or it may be for a long damn time.

What it doesn’t automatically mean is that you’re not still poly or non-monogamous.

Forgive me for an inelegant comparison, but back in 2014, Anna Paquin — who is openly bisexual — was being interviewed by Larry King. King asked her whether, now that she was married to her True Blood co-star Stephen Moyer, that meant that she was no longer bi. Her response was that just being married and monogamous doesn’t mean that she’s not bisexual; it just means that she’s married to someone and isn’t dating or sleeping with anyone else. Her relationship status doesn’t change something that’s part of who she is.

The same goes with folks who are non-monogamous or polyamorous. Being poly doesn’t mean that you need to be constantly juggling relationships or on the look out for more partners. Sometimes you’re in a place where you’re happy with what you have and don’t feel the need to go looking for more. That doesn’t mean that the label no longer applies or that you need to find another partner within a certain number of days in order to keep your credentials. It certainly doesn’t mean you’re “doing poly wrong” somehow. It just means that you’re happy and fulfilled, that’s all.

Can this relationship work? Sure! You basically have a poly vee relationship. This is one of the more common non-monogamous relationship dynamics out there.

Does this mean you’re no longer polyamorous? Frankly, I don’t see how. Without getting into definitional debates about whether poly means everyone in a poly relationship wants a partner, or whether it not requiring monogamy from your partner, not wanting or needing more doesn’t mean that you’re no longer capable of more than one romantic connection of a time. It’s certainly possible that things have changed and you’re monogamous now… but honestly I suspect it’s more you’re monogamous for now. Will this change? Who knows, and honestly, who cares? This works for you, this works for him and everyone’s happy and that’s what really matters. There may come a point where you meet someone awesome and have feelings for them, or you may not. But that’s for the future, a future that may never come. Why borrow trouble from a future that may or may not come to pass? Enjoy what you have and don’t worry about the labels.

Good luck.

How Do I Know if I Even WANT a Relationship?

January 18, 2021 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Doctor’s Note: Hey NerdLovers! It’s a new year and I want to help start 2021 off on a positive note. So I want to hear from you: what are some of your relationship wins? How have you improved your personal life, your friendships or your romantic relationships? What are some of the ways you’ve made your life better recently? Let’s share some hope, some positivity and success to help inspire folks to achieve their own victories.

Send your success stories to doc@doctornerdlove.com with the subject header “relationship wins”; maybe you’ll see your success story in a future column.

Hi, Doc.

Lately, I’ve had these recurring thoughts, that maybe the only reasons I want to seek romantic relationships with women is a combination of curiosity, fear of missing out and a sort of jealousy towards happy couples I’ve known.

Some background: I’m in my late 30s, and have basically zero experience when it comes to relationships. Never kissed, been on an actual date or had sex. The reasons as I’ve seen them are ones you’ve probably heard a bunch of times: Low confidence, social anxiety, difficulty expressing myself, a general lack of assertivity, the works.

Over the years, I’ve become aware of these shortcomings. As you might imagine, they’ve had an impact on my life beyond my (lack of) dating life. Up until relatively recently, I couldn’t hold a job beyond a few months. I got into this awful cycle of starting out optimistically, but my lack of communication and reluctance to ask for help were seen as apathy and incompetence, and I’d inevitably reach a point where I just didn’t make the cut and lost my job. This happened at least 3 or 4 times, before I resolved to look for help on my issues.

Now, with a combination of some rounds of therapy, reading self-help books and blogs, and support from close friends and family, I’ve managed to regain a bit of control over my life. I’m in a pretty good position in my current job, and I’ve had some victories in dealing with my anxiety (Phone calls no longer terrify me the way they used to). Obviously, I’ve still faced some situations that make me freeze in panic and indecision, but progress has been visible at least.

However, one aspect where I have not been able to see progress is in interpersonal relationships. I have some small groups of friends, some pretty close, but pretty much all of them revolving around my hobbies. Most of the time I have to interact one on one with someone (and specially with women), I’ll either blank out on what to talk about or do the nerd-ranting thing when a familiar topic pops up. Not to say that all I’ve had is bad experiences, but here’s the thing: Even in the occasions where I’ve had positive social experiences, I can’t seem to enjoy myself, and that brings me to the original premise.

I’m not sure if it’s the more avoidant parts of my personality that cause a lack of trying in regards to dating because it’s “not worth the hassle”, but I can’t help but think it might be something else. I mean, I do feel attracted to women and as far as I can tell I’m not asexual. However, I just can’t see myself in a relationship and find it hard to find motivation to pursue one.

Any thoughts?

Owner of An Indecisive Heart

Hey man, I think you’re doing yourself a disservice here. You’ve made a lot of progress, in what seems like a relatively short amount of time. I mean, look at what you’ve accomplished. You’ve gotten help, you’ve been proactive in making your life better, building your social skills, working on your communication and building up your confidence and emotional resilience. That’s pretty damn huge. You should be proud of what you’ve achieved! You’ve come a long, long damn way, and that’s incredible. I’m really proud of you for that.

I think part of the problem that you’re running into is that you’re pushing yourself pretty hard and it’s making you stall out a little. One of the things that people often don’t think about as they’re working on themselves is that self-improvement, especially when it comes to things like overcoming social anxiety, takes time and energy. The problem is that sometimes you can get caught up in the excitement of your progress and push yourself a little too hard. Much like when you’re starting an exercise program or beginning to train for a sport, you can overtrain and overexert yourself and end up hitting a wall. It’s not that you aren’t ready or that you haven’t progressed to this point, but that you’ve basically exhausted yourself and drained your reserves. As a result, you actually end up running the risk of injuring yourself or losing a little ground because you have nothing left in the tank.

… ok, this metaphor may have gotten away from me a little.

The point is that you’ve made a lot of progress, and that’s taken time and energy. And while I totally get the desire to keep pushing forward and get to that next level in your development, I think you may need to take a moment to breath and recoup your energy. It’s hard to enjoy yourself when it feels like you have to give everything you’ve got to being present and social AND focus on all the other things you’ve learned.

Small wonder that you don’t have much motivation to try to pursue a relationship; you’re still working on not exhausting yourself while you practice your newfound social skills.

Now don’t get me wrong: I’m not saying that you should want a relationship. It may well be that it’s just not your thing. There’s such a thing as being aromantic; you can be attracted to people and interested in sex, but not interested in romantic relationships. But I think it’s just as likely that you don’t have the bandwidth for pursuing one yet. What I think you should do right now is focus on what you’ve already accomplished. There’re four stages to developing a skill set:

Unconscious incompetence (you don’t know anything about it at all, including how unskilled you are)
Conscious incompetence (you’re aware of what you don’t know)
Conscious competence (you can do it, but you have to think about it as you do it)
Unconscious competence (you can do it without thinking)

Right now, you’re at stage 3; you’re aware of what you’re doing, you know how to do it, but it requires that you pay attention. That takes up a fair amount of mental RAM, so it’s not surprising there’re other areas where you still go blank or feel like you’re struggling. Taking a little time to develop those skills you’ve already learned into metaphorical muscle memory so that you reach stage 4 will go a long way towards freeing up that RAM so that you’re ready to start applying it to talking to people and enjoying social situations. When you don’t feel like you’re struggling, you’ll be in a better position to enjoy things. When you get to that point, it’ll be a lot easier for you to gauge just what it is you want when it comes to companionship and relationships.

And hey, you may well realize that while you like sex and friendship… you just aren’t looking for romance. And that’s fine. That’s a perfectly valid option if that’s where you decide you fall on that spectrum.

But for now: take a victory lap and a victory nap, my dude. You’ve earned both. Take some time practicing your newfound skills and then move on to the next stage. Despite what you may be feeling, there really is no rush. You aren’t on anyone’s schedule but your own and there is no deadline that you have to meet. Love and relationships — if that’s what you want — will be waiting for you when you’re ready.

Good luck.

Hello Doctor,

I am a big fan of yours. You have helped me get through my feelings of inadequacy of being a virgin in my late 20s (By the way, where are all my virgins at? *laughs*), and my feelings of being morally bankrupt for watching porn and masturbating. For that you will alway have my gratitude.

My question is probably a little different from what is usually sent in for Ask Dr. NerdLove, because it is based on creating a social media account. Let me give you some context before I give you my question. I am a 27M who has never really had social media (I do have a YouTube account, but from everyone I have talked to about social media they don’t really consider it to be, especially because I “don’t upload my own videos”). I mean, I didn’t even have a MySpace when that was cool.

To be completely honest this didn’t start as a “fuck you” to Mark Zuckerberg, because I was trying to transcend the need for social media, or thinking I’m better than people who use social media to communicate. I just wasn’t that interested when I was younger.

As I got older, however, I did start to catch backlash for not having social media, whether it was from girls that I would ask out feeling really uncomfortable that I don’t have it (when they would try to give me their Facebook or Instagram instead of their number or asked for my social media), or the really weird question I would inevitably get asked from someone who finds out I don’t have any: “Do you believe in social media?” Like it’s a religion or something.

Only after talking to my close guy friends (a lot), and getting rejected by a girl that is in my bubble and a new friend, did I come to realize it was because I decided to make my life harder and my dating pool smaller on purpose. I realized for some reason I decided that I wanted to prove to myself and (I guess) others, that I could have a successful love life and social life without it, because of my feelings of being worthy of sex and love. I know it is still possible, but as each year goes by and I get older, I become more serious about getting a relationship (whether sexual or romantic), and more miserable I don’t have one.

So my question is: What is the most well rounded social media application to stay in contact with people I’m close with, and meet the largest amount of girls out of Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter (I’m only really planning to get one)? And, while we’re at it, what are their distinctive differences and audiences they attract? As I said before, I literally have no fucking idea, I know they exist, but I have really never even seen my friends use them.

I know starting social media is not a cure all for, admittedly, unwanted celibacy, and I have a steep learning curve. But, and this is a big but, I really don’t want to limit myself anymore. Any advice you have will be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

Social Media Saved My Life

So there’re a couple things here, SMSML. First of all: yes, you can date and meet people without social media. I mean, I realize as a Gen X-er I’m officially one of the Olds but hey, we successfully got by without Friendster, MySpace, Facebook, Twitter, TikTok or what-have-you. Having an Instagram account isn’t going to be the thing that tilts “do I want to bang him (y/n)?” to the “y” side of things, in and of itself. Plenty of folks get by without it.

The thing is: the younger you are, the more you’re going to stand out for not having a social media presence. This isn’t inherently good or bad, it’s just unusual, because social media use is pretty ubiquitous, especially when you start getting to the digital natives in the Millennial and Zoomer generations. Social media has, in many ways, become the place where folks interact with their social circles. It’s how folks stay in contact with each other, it’s where we share our lives and it’s become part of the overall fabric of society. This is especially true during the pandemic; since we can’t be with our friends in person, social media has been a critical part of how people have stayed connected with friends, colleagues and loved ones, especially those who may be spread all over the country or planet. Social media sites and apps have become central to the lives of millions.

(Now whether this is a good thing is a hotly debated subject… especially after the spread of QAnon, anti-vaxx communities, the radicalization effects of Facebook and YouTube and events of January 6th. Not to mention basic issues of privacy.)

So the fact that you don’t have a social media presence will, in fact, make you stand out as being unusual. How people respond to that is going to vary from individual to individual. To some, it’s going to seem like you’re trying to position yourself as a type of snob, hipster or holier-than-thou type; the 2021 version of “I don’t even have a TV”. To others it’s going to seem suspect. After all, when more and more people live their lives online, not having an online presence can seem to some as though you have something to hide. And on a practical level, it can be inconvenient; plenty of folks plan events and get togethers via social media, and that makes it easier to keep everyone in the loop and updated in the event of any changes. When someone isn’t on social media, that makes it harder to keep them connected and involved. Past a point, that difficulty can lead to the outliner not being included — not out of malice or dislike, but simply because it’s easy to forget that you need to take those extra steps.

Now all of that doesn’t mean that you need to develop a social media presence. Those are inconveniences, yes, but not necessarily deal-breakers. If that’s something you’re ok with putting up with, then hey, there you go. But it sounds like you’re looking to actually break this particular seal and get on… somewhere.

So if you were to choose just one… I’d say choose the one that most of your friends use. That will give you an immediate network of people to follow and interact with and who can help you get a quicker grasp of various customs, memes and the unspoken rules that so often crop up like mushrooms after a rain. That being said, you should familiarize yourself with the options that are out there. Facebook is ubiquitous and has the much larger overall user base, but it also tends to trend older. Instagram is a little more unidirectional; you’re broadcasting more than conversing. There’re plenty of conversations that happen in the comments, but it wasn’t designed with an eye towards communities the way that Facebook was. Twitter is closer to being somewhere between the town square or a large restaurant; some folks are speaking to the crowd, others are having conversations with their friends that you’re just able to overhear. And of course there’re always apps like Snapchat, Tumblr, TikTok… all of them are going to be different, and all of them are going to have their different user bases. Figuring out which is best for you will be a matter of trial and error, ultimately.

Now that being said: while you can meet and date folks from Facebook, Instagram and so on, it’s important to remember that for most folks on there, those aren’t dating apps. That doesn’t mean that dates, hook-ups and relationships don’t start there — hell, I can’t count the number of real-life relationships that started on Final Fantasy XIV or World of Warcraft — that’s not what they’re intended for and that’s not what most folks are looking for or expecting.

(Well… kinda. Facebook did add Facebook Dating, but that’s another discussion entirely.)

When you start off, think of your social media presence as being an insight into who you are as a person. You’re sharing part of your life — what you’re into, what you do, etc. The key to meeting people on social media is that you treat it like meeting people through your social circles. You don’t want to cruise through Facebook pages like a horny shark, hitting on everyone who catches your eye; you simply get to know people. Sometimes you and another person will catch a vibe; you can take the conversation to DMs and see where things go. But if you go through Facebook or Insta or what-have-you like it’s a singles bar, you’re gonna be seen as just another free-floating offer of dick, like so many others. You don’t want that. And frankly, neither do the folks you’re going to be talking to.

To be sure: the pandemic means that social media and dating apps are how we’re connecting with folks right now, simply because it’s not safe to do so otherwise. But overall, my recommendation is that you see social media as an accessory to how you meet folks you want to date. It’s a way of staying in contact, expanding your network and giving folks some insight into who you are as a person. The more you focus on your in-person social skills, the easier it is to meet people on social media… and turn those connections into in-person dates.

Good luck.