self-improvement Archives - Page 2 of 29

Ask Dr. NerdLove: How Do I Stop Being In Love With Someone?

September 2, 2019 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hi Doc,

I hope you can help me on this and I’ll start with some backstory: I’ve known this girl since…always. Her sister and I went to kindergarten, elementary and high school together and we’re close friends. I guess I began having feelings for her when I was 11-12, mostly because she was three years older than me and seemed like a woman, not just a girl. Time went on and over the years we became close friends and I discovered how amazing, funny, smart, laid back and friendly she was and I became more attached to her. She eventually graduated and moved out of to college. This really devastated me and I awkwardly confessed my feelings hoping that she would stay and marry me (I was 15, don’t get mad at me). As expected she told me she didn’t feel that way and that she liked me as a friend and a little brother.

She was great enough to give me some advice and told me to focus on girls my age. Of course, I didn’t follow her advice and kept liking her and everytime she came home to visit her family and friends and we would spend some time together I was the happiest man alive. My crush on her continued even after I finished college. A year ago I got my first job in the same city as her, so we hang out more often. Everything was great until she got a job offer in Europe. I’m sincerely very happy for her, because she’s not only good at her job, she algo loves it and living there was always her dream.

I know I’m being selfish, but I’m very sad knowing that she’s leaving and I won’t be able to see her for months. I highly value our friendship and losing it hurts.

How can I stop liking her? I know I should go out and meet other women, but in my 24 years on this planet I’ve never been interested in anyone but her, never kissed or been on a date and I’m not sure if I know how to flirt or ask someone out at this point and everytime I met someone is like ‘yeah, she’s cool, but she’s not HER’.

I know I’m just not right and good enough for her and we’ll never be more than friends, but I can’t see myself with anyone else. What can I do?

Hooked On A Feeling

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Ask Dr. NerdLove: How Do I Stop Letting Virginity Define Me?

August 30, 2019 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hey doc,

I’m 23 years old, a guy, and I still haven’t lost my virginity yet, and while I’ve seen some of your stuff on that matter, I still feel like time is “running out” for me, and I’m worried about how others see me, and moreover how I see myself for it.

In summary, I haven’t lost my virginity partially because I’m not a big partier and haven’t sought out hooking up in the past, and also because I turned down two other opportunities.

First, an acquaintance offered to be FWB when I was 20. I had no reservations there, but at the time I was on the verge of a relationship with someone else. That relationship ended fairly quickly, as my ex figured out she was aromantic soon after. I lost touch with the acquaintance for about a year.

About two years later, I had found a girlfriend again. Not long after we started seeing each other, she threw herself at me while she was drunk. I felt that I couldn’t in good conscience have sex with her when she was that drunk, and so I said that we should wait until she was more sober. The next time we talked, she admitted that she may have gotten an STD from a previous partner, and she needed to be tested before we did the deed. She tested negative, but through a cartoonish series of bad luck, things ended before we could.

I usually hear that she wouldn’t be worth my time anyway if she’d reject me for being a virgin, but considering that people like Elliot Roger and Alek Minnassian exist, I have to wonder how much being rejected for being a virgin would be a matter of a woman thinking I was dangerous or a bad person because of it.

The irony I see in this is that I remained a virgin because I felt I needed to do the right thing in those scenarios, and in a weird way, I feel like it has doomed me, even if I know that plenty of people stay virgins beyond my age and lose it then. I guess a big part of it for me is knowing that there are a lot of people who can’t find a willing person, and living in fear that I’ll be mistaken for or worse somehow am one of them.

I guess what I’m asking for here is advice on how to approach it with others, if getting it “out of the way” is a good idea, and if explaining it (in an otherwise contextually appropriate situation with future partners) is a good or bad idea with regard to all of this. Thank you.

-Volcanic Sacrifice

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Ask Dr. NerdLove: How Do I Stop Feeling Worthless?

August 12, 2019 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Dr. NerdLove,

I’m writing you on my 31st birthday, which I’ll be spending mostly alone. In 31 years on this good green earth, I have dated -maybe- three people in brief stints. For most of my life I’ve been a fat, shy, anxious nerd with weird interests and a lot of stress between my home, school, and work lives. As a result, there’s never been room for a love life.

I have a lot of issues with self esteem and confidence. It kinda hangs on you after a decade of being a failure at life, but in the last five or six I’ve managed to hold on to good jobs, finish my Bachelors, and start to resemble an adult.

This hasn’t changed much about my outlook on myself. I’m still fat. I’m balding. I’m an awkward weirdo. I’m in a long distance relationship with a woman my age who has been an absolute gem to me, and we’ve been keeping it going for about two years now.

The feeling I can’t shake, that keeps lingering like a fart cloud over every bit of progress in my life, is “You’re not worth it.” This feeling of being worthless to anyone in any romantic capacity. I’m unattractive. I’m awkward. I live at home. I have a low on totem pole job. I bring nothing to the table in a relationship besides a desire to see my partner happy.

What I guess I want to ask, is what can I do to work past this feeling? I hate hating myself and want to feel moderately normal in my own skin. What am I missing that will make me feel like someone worth being around?

Sincerely,

Bad Company in Boston

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Episode #119 – What Does A Real Man Look Like?

July 31, 2019 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Men feel immense pressure to look a particular way and they’re breaking themselves, physically and psychically to try to get to reach those ideals.

As bodies are marketed to us as products and men are sold self-loathing, we have to ask: what does a REAL man look like?

SHOW HIGHLIGHTS:

How male celebrities are getting the body-shaming treatment from the media
Why the idea of what makes a “real” man is always in flux
How the “perfect” body has changed over time
What men get wrong about trying to achieve the perfect body
Why there’s no body positivity movement for men

…and so much more.

The Fear of Being Invisible

The Myth of What Women Want

The Selling of Masculinity

What Men REALLY Need

Listen Here
Download Here
Transcript available at patreon.com/DrNerdLove

Don’t forget to subscribe and review us on iTunes , Stitcher and on YouTube.

Like the podcast? Become a Dr. NerdLove patron at Patreon.com/DrNerdLove

Want more dating advice? Check out my books at www.www.doctornerdlove.com/books

Ask Dr. NerdLove: How Do I Help My Single Friend?

July 22, 2019 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Greetings,
I’m a big fan of your column and would like your insight on how to deal with a good friend of mine.

My friend, let’s call her Maude, is a wonderful friend: loyal, honest and kind. She is also incredibly introverted and rather socially awkward. It took me awhile to get to know her, but it was worth it.

Here’s the problem: despite being all things wonderful in a person, she really struggles in the romance department. I cannot stress how different she is as “good friend” versus “person seeking a boyfriend”. Although she is 30yrs old, I don’t believe she’s ever had a real boyfriend or serious relationship. As I learned from you, this is no big deal. The big deal that I don’t know quite how to address with her, is that she has behaviours that I can only describe as female incel. These are the entire reason she can’t seem to find a relationship.

Before I got to know Maude, I knew her mostly by reputation. A number of my guy friends had reported that she was a “stalker”. She will show up at places where she knows the object of her affection will be or at his place of employment and send dozens and dozens of texts asking for “closure” after casual sex or even mild flirtation with no physical contact. At first, I thought this gossip was just men being full of themselves or exaggerating her behaviour. It turns out that her reputation was well earned.

After a very long streak of abstinence after her “promiscuous phase” (her words, not mine), Maude decided she was ready to start dating again. Around the same time, a friend of mine had recently gotten out of a relationship. He’s good looking, smart and fun – however, he’s doing some post serious relationship tom catting around. In other words, he would be very fun to sleep with provided you did so with no expectation of a relationship. Surprisingly, Maude started hitting it off with him and really came out of her shell and they had some good conversations and went on one date several months ago. It ended in a hug. Since then, they’ve been sending flirty texts to each other in a kind of build up to a maybe sexual situation. Both of them confide in me, so without betraying each other’s confidences, I can say for certain he did have a genuine affection for her, but not as strong as hers for him.

Then the stalking and obsession started to kick in. He seemed to take it in stride, but he also is probably blissfully unaware of the behind the scenes work this woman does to get her man. She was getting irrationally upset and telling us girls about all these frustrations in this not even a relationship. This escalates over a few months and he naturally backs away as he’s been openly keeping time with a number of ladies. Finally, after a week of constant texts from her asking if she was being “crazy” for this and that and “should she send him another text” type bullshit, she went against all the ladies advice and sent him a missive about how she was very upset with him for “leading her on”. She was not led on. He handled it graciously, but backed off both the friendship and flirting. Since that fateful text, she’s been spiralling. All her social media posts are rather vague attempts to get his attention and she’s making a big deal about the few random dates she’s been on in an effort to make “him” jealous. In concert with her very awkward and public attempts to “date”, she has also gotten progressively militant about there being no available guys and making blanket statements about how men are only interested in looks etc. Long story long, she’s making herself miserable and inadvertently scaring away any man who might be interested in getting to know her. Also, her stalker reputation lingers, so that coupled with her introvertedness and bizarre takes on how relationships work is putting her in a pretty bad place.

I’d like to be understanding and want her to be happy, but her overall perception and approach to things are so far removed from my take on things that I don’t know how to remain supportive and provide useful feedback in a sensitive way. One can’t just say “well, you gotta stop this stalking and making up relationships in your head”. Should I just tell her to write you or do you have any ideas on how to gently wrangle her into healthier and more productive approaches to dating and sex?

Thanks in advance for any help you can provide here.

Friends In Need

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