Dear Dr. NerdLove:

I’m a cis female who has identified as bi for years (though lately I’m pretty sure I’m actually a lesbian but that’s not what I’m asking about.)

So I’ve recently gotten vaccinated. Me and a couple vaccinated friends (both women) had a meetup for the first time in a long time and it was all great. But one, call her J, was telling us a bad date story from awhile back about a guy who did nothing but talk about himself nonstop, and we winced with her. But in the process she said something that’s stuck with me. “He said he hadn’t dated anyone in like six years” and she made a face, and my other friend winced. Apparently this guy was about our age, little older (we’re all like 24/25).

Now…I’m sitting over here trying not to feel gutted because…that’s almost me. I know these friends didn’t mean anything by it, and honestly they AREN’T shallow like you’re going to say. They’re not “only tall guys for me” stereotypical people. They just, it seems, honestly think a guy who hasn’t dated AT ALL in six years is a red flag and I know these people… they’re mature and sensible and not super judgemental so when it comes from them, it’s a lot different than if I’d heard it from some rando online. I do wish the one who KNOWS my actual dating history hadn’t nodded and agreed (I don’t go into it as a rule because I’m kind of ashamed) because it makes me wonder if this is what she’d think of me if it were six years, and also what she thinks of me now and if I’m that friend people lowkey pity. I know this is all irrational and that’s not what they think, that’s not how they are but it still stung, though I said nothing about it.

Full disclosure…the last time I dated someone AT ALL was late 2018, and I dated this one girl for like a month or two. Since then the only person who’s ever shown an interest is a dude who drunkenly hit on one of my friends and then me by comparing us in terms of hotness and personality, openly. Yeah, we didn’t talk to him after that.

And before my first gf? I went out with ONE guy a few times. In twenty-goddamn-fourteen. And a female friend, one of my best ones, was into me for awhile but eventually got over that almost soon after she told me.

Granted, in the last year and a half there has been a pandemic, I don’t hold that against myself. But honestly, what was my excuse before?

I know I know, dating is a numbers and luck game, you’re worth more than who you date blah blah blah, but honestly? Looking back I realize it took me years to be willing to make the first move myself due to hearing about how girls shouldn’t be the pursuers as a teenager. And I also never tried online dating due to…honestly I don’t fully know why.

Maybe it was the horror stories I heard online and from at least half my friends, (especially in regards to how bi women especially get treated online). Maybe it was the idea that I just… don’t know if I know how to sell myself and I also don’t know what there is to sell? The pandemic had me reckoning with a lot of things in my life: even before, I had a lot of regrets in how I felt I didn’t handle my own life very well, and wasn’t grateful for the life I could’ve had. Other people have been in the closet struggling with unaccepting family but they managed to find love. I’ve accepted myself for years and had plenty of opportunities to look for love. What’s my excuse?

And also honestly? I’m just a very boring person. I feel like I consume media and write about it but I used to be able to write creatively and the spark of ideas and/or the will to actually put them down consistently has dried up almost two years before the pandemic. I don’t know what I have that anyone else doesn’t (I’m nice? I’m funny sometimes? Big fucking whoop. I suck at video games, I’m not that good at…anything? Except singing but when I went out for a music major I flunked theory twice (not for lack of trying it’s just hard lol) and also just found the workload and the type of life of a musician to be overwhelming and not what I wanted at all.

I guess I just am very aware I’m nothing special but when I think of how to fix it all I hear is stuff I’ve already thought of and tried before. Whenever I get into a conversation I feel like I struggle to connect or think of anything to say that others will care about unless the other person comes up with something interesting or I know its something we’re both into. Its so fucking lame, and passive, and I’m trying not to be. But conversations with anyone besides my friends (and even some of them) are fucking TERRIFYING to think about, even if I successfully hit it off with another woman online, what happens when we meet in person? Or run out of things to talk about? Everyone does eventually.

So long story short, the whole idea of building a relationship or seeking it out terrifies me and I know I know, the whole idea is to get out there and Just Do It! Or else you’ll probably say just go to therapy and work on yourself first, but honestly? I’m terrified that’ll take too much time for financial reasons and mental health reasons, if I wait to get myself in order to start dating I’ll be almost thirty before I’ve ever even tried to go on one singular date. I’m not doing that. I’ve waited long enough for things to just fall into my lap I cannot do it again but now I’m trying to psych myself up for it and I feel sure I’ll get into the ring now with a high-schoolers idea of relationships, and a high-school level of relationship skills.

TL;DR: What I really need is just need tips to become more interesting, to become the type of woman I’d feel was worth putting out there in the online dating world or the dating world in general, and how to give people a sort of “hook” in my profile and initial online chats without giving away too much personal stuff. Like, small talk is good actually, but how do I manage the bridge between it and Things I am Obsessed With and Deep Stuff? (Also I’m-lowkey-panicking about how to get good at sex cough cough) That middle is what I struggle with most of all.

Thanks for your time,

I’ve Got To Take Control Already

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