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Break Out Of Your Box

May 4, 2022 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Let’s talk about change and why growth can feel so difficult. When you’re trying to build a life for yourself – or build a new and better one – it can feel as though you have few options and even fewer that actually work. This is especially true when it feels like all of the paths in front of you “just aren’t you, man.”

Animated clip from The Simpsons of Ned Flanders' parents. Text reads: "We've tried nothing, and we're all out of ideas"
And that’s assuming you’ve actually started in the first place.

Now sometimes this means that the problem is that you’re letting your self-limiting beliefs get in the way of your own success. Other times, however, the problem is that we’re so hung up on trying to fit into a particular mold or box that we don’t realize that this box never fit in the first place… and never will.

This is actually more common than you’d think. One of the worst habits that people fall into is that we let ourselves be bound up by “rules” — rules that don’t actually exist, but that we set up for ourselves and follow anyway. These rules, such as they are, narrow our ways of thinking and create artificial limits on ourselves. They force us into false choices and prevent us from seeing alternatives that may work better for us. We end up seeing things in exactly one way and, if that way isn’t a good fit for us or doesn’t work out – especially right from the start – we assume that we’re failing at them.

What we never seem to realize is that we’re so busy trying to break ourselves into pieces and sand off bits of ourselves to fit into a particular box, we never stop to think that maybe the box is the problem, not us. In those moments we are, for all intents and purposes, passively accepting a framing that limits us. We end up in a trap of looking at other people’s path to success and assuming that it’s the only option, without considering that maybe this isn’t actually true. We’re so used to assuming that we need to fit into a particular mold or that our choices are so limited that there’s really no way to succeed. So our choices seem to be either try to magically become a completely different person… or accept that there’s no hope and we should just give up.

Instead, what we often need to do is to take a page from one James Tiberius Kirk.

Animated gif from Star Trek II: The Wrath of Kahn. Kirk looks off camera, saying "I don't believe in "no-win" scenarios
When in doubt, break shit and hope for the best… no wait…

If it seems like we’ve stuck ourselves in a no-win situation, then it’s time to change the rules and find alternatives. Restricting yourself to that narrow box hasn’t worked and won’t work. So it’s time to break out of the box.

 If you feel like you aren’t winning or you can’t win… sometimes what you need is to change the rules.

Here’s how.

[Read more…]

How Do I Know I’m Not Becoming An Incel?

April 29, 2022 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Dear Dr. NerdLove:

First off, I’ve been following you for a while and, as far as I’m concerned, nobody else on the internet can destigmatize male virginity as well as you can.

With that said, I think that the line between an incel and a sexually frustrated men is very thin, and all over the internet people use the two terms interchangeably. I also think that, even though I’m not an extreme misogynist nor do I have any desire to hurt or kill people, I still relate a lot to the incel community and their frustration with being unable to find a partner in our overly-sexualized society, where virginity is highly stigmatized, and where we are made to believe that everyone is having sex except us. I think that relating to this struggle makes me an incel automatically, and I think that finally finding someone to have sex with, even just once, would absolve me of having this “incel” identity, because I managed to achieve what none of them could and am therefore no longer “one of them.”

My other belief is that, as someone on the autism spectrum, I believe that a lot of incel traits and behaviors can be explained with an autism diagnosis. Autism would explain why these incel men are unable to make connections with people of the opposite sex and explain other things too. Autistics see things in “black and white” and they don’t have theory of mind, so that makes them believe things like “women only date tall men, and if you’re short, you’re never gonna get laid.” Autism is also the reason why a lot of these guys get it into their heads that they’re “owed” sex (because they watch movies and TV shows and assume that real life operates the same way), and why they will spaz out and behave violently if they don’t get it (because autistics have poor emotional self-control.)

For myself, I believe that being on the autism spectrum is the reason why I’m in my late 20s and never had sex or a girlfriend yet, and also why I have what most neurotypicals would consider to be a “naive” understanding of what love and sex are. Autism is really the only thing that makes me any different than the average guy, and that has to be the reason why I’m having a problem that only incels and autistic men can have. We know that Elliot Rogers was autistic, so was the van guy from Toronto, and so is Chris Chan, who some people say was the first ever incel. Even though I’m not an extreme narcissist, or a potential spree killer, I still think I have more in common with Saint Elliot than I would like to. Much like him, I also think that when I find someone to have sex with, that it’s gonna feel “heavenly” (as he puts it,) and I also find myself feeling envious of those who are in relationships, or who have had their first relationships at an earlier age than me.

I also don’t think it’s a coincidence that Chris Chan, the most bullied/ridiculed person on the internet, is on the autism spectrum. I hate that guys like him share my diagnosis, and I hate that most incels share my diagnosis. I know I dumped a lot on you, but I would like these toxic views to be disproven so that I can stop feeling shitty about myself and change the way I see my diagnosis.

Autistic and Frustrated

[Read more…]

5 Mistakes That Keep You From Finding A Relationship

April 20, 2022 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

We talk a lot about what it takes to become someone that women want to date – working from the internal to the external, from attitude to presentation. But there’re times when it feels like you’re in a classic Red Queen’s Race: running as fast as you can and getting nowhere.

Man in sportswear walking on a treadmill and looking at his smartwatch at home
“I don’t get it, I’ve been on this for an hour and I haven’t gotten anywhere…”

Sure, you’re putting in a lot of effort to get your presentation down and you’re trying to put yourself out there… so why isn’t it working?

Well the answer is that while you’ve made great strides in some areas, you’ve been neglecting others. In fact, many times, the problem is that you’ve been making mistakes that have actively hindered your ability to meet and date amazing women. What often confuses folks is that these aren’t mistakes that drive women away. Instead, these are mistakes that have hindered your personal development or your ability to connect with people in the way you need to forge a connection. These are foundational problems, ones that undermine both your self-image and your ability to meet and connect with people. You can tweak your style and grooming all you want, hit the gym until your joints give out or chat up as many sexy singles as you can… but if you haven’t fixed these common foundational mistakes, whatever you build is going to come tumbling down around you.

Let’s talk about how to fix some of the most common mistakes that are keeping you from meeting that special someone or someones.

[Read more…]

How To Be Fearless With Women

April 6, 2022 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Trying to meet amazing women can be incredibly intimidating, even terrifying. There’s an understandable fear of judgement or rejection, especially since meeting women requires deliberately making yourself vulnerable to a relative stranger. There’s also the understandable worry of what your social success says about  you and your worth as a person.

Worried young caucasian man steepling his fingers
And the over-thinking! Don’t forget the constant over-thinking!

However, so much of why it can be so intimidating is because we put unrealistic expectations on ourselves. We feel as though that we need to be “perfect” in order to get people’s interest, and in order to do that we need to know exactly what we’re doing. And we often don’t.

In fact, it’s that sense of not having an explicit road map or set of instructions that leaves them feeling terrified when they even think about trying to meet women. And to be sure: much of this fear comes from trying to avoid the hard stuff – being willing to be vulnerable, being willing to risk rejection and or even humiliation. This is precisely why so many people want scripts and one-size-fits-all rule sets to follow. If you have rules, then success is supposed to be assured… theoretically.

The problem with this outlook is that humans aren’t meat robots that follow algorithms and relationships don’t follow the if/then patterns that scripted routines and “secret seduction technique$” claim. There’s no escaping the inherent messiness of the human condition; accepting that risk is part and parcel of the whole adventure.

But imagine how much easier it would be to date if you weren’t having to fight through the fear first.

Meeting and dating women isn’t about being perfect or knowing exactly how to act at every second of the interaction. Being an incredible catch, the kind of guy that women would be lucky to date, isn’t about technique, it’s about your mindset. When you’re hung up on the outcome, rather than just connecting, you create barriers between yourself and the very people you want to match with. When you have the right outlook and approach to dating and meeting people, you remove the fear and anxiety and let your best and most authentic self shine.

Here’s how to change the way you think about dating and unlock your inner dating Jedi.

[Read more…]

How Do I Stop Feeling Ugly?

March 11, 2022 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Dear Dr. NerdLove:

This’s the first time I wrote to someone so apologise for mistakes or missed details that are important.

I am 27 year old Middle Eastern guy. Highly educated and have a big circle of friends. I’m currently living in a European country but I lived in few different ones and my dating life sucked in every single one of these countries.

Looks are an issue but not the only. Even tho I have attractive features such as height, dimples, long lashes and I know this because I had so many compliments on them. Yet I do have a lot of poor DNA selections such as balding, dark circles, underdeveloped jaw, no jaw line whatsoever, sticking out ears and developed an overgrown brow line so kinda like horns sticking out of my forehead.

I used to think I was Prince Charming and lived my teen life believing it but was shocked why I couldn’t get any girls. The older I got the more rejected by women I became. It blew my mind when I saw one of my mates chatting to a girl she was drooling over him even tho he was beyond boring! I tried and I tried hard but the rejections I get sometimes are unbearable where women can be rude to me and either physically harass me or verbally. Rejection is not a problem it’s how rude they can be what really gets to me so I stopped trying in person.

Online dating, you can imagine how that is. I succeeded dating few girls from online dating websites but it was out of desperation I was not convinced whatsoever they were what I could get still I tried to make them work but here I am single and struggling more than ever. Duh!

I’m 6’1 and pretty fit as I’ve been dedicated for over 8 months to achieve my current look. Additionally I had jaw and jawline augmentation to make it look a bit better. Despite the time and the effort invested matches on dating apps are either not responding or one strike and you’re out.

I’d have my whole face reshaped if I could afford it but I can’t. I changed what I can but my tries hasn’t made noticeable difference.

I can’t give up I know that as I need a partner but apparently no women are interested or interested enough to even try and get to know me. Am I missing on something or should wait on line until women had their fun with Chad and finally decides to settle down for the ugly?

Rule of Lower Thirds

[Read more…]

Next Page »

About Dr. NerdLove:

Harris O'Malley (AKA Dr. NerdLove) is an internationally recognized blogger and dating coach who gives dating advice to geeks of all stripes. Making nerds sexier since 20011

Remember: Dr. NerdLove is not really a doctor. [Read More …]

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Recent Comments

  • Reservoir bitch You make some great points and I'm also seconding you on the age thing. I had my very best sex life in my late 30s and 40s (and I'm an average-looking woman).

    Should I Get Plastic Surgery In Order To Get Dates? ·  May 29, 2022

  • reyofsunlight Yes, I am. I didn't intend to imply that traditionally masculine friend groups are better, just different. IMO, everyone needs lots of types of socialising in their lives. It just sounds like for...

    Should I Get Plastic Surgery In Order To Get Dates? ·  May 28, 2022

  • FlamingFraming It’s very easy to let our mind drift to “what ifs” and the what it be an hypocritical best case scenario. Infertility rates are actually drastically rising due to exposure to chemical toxins in...

    Should I Get Plastic Surgery In Order To Get Dates? ·  May 28, 2022

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    Most of your scenarios are pure speculation and wild guessing... Why all the mental gymnastics to make G the villain?
    Whoa. A few comments back, you were saying that it...

    I Slept With Someone I Shouldn’t Have. What Do I Do Now? ·  May 28, 2022

  • FlamingFraming Out of curiosity are you AFAB? Your description of female friendship as gossip trying to out do and out compete one another is not really my experience. Not saying that it doesn’t happen, it...

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