self-limiting beliefs Archives

How Do I Stop Setting Myself Up for Loneliness?

September 13, 2021 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hi Doc,

I’m a student in my early 20s, and I have Aspergers/am on the autism spectrum. I’ve been dealing with a lot of conflicting thoughts and feelings when it comes to the state of my love life, or rather, the lack of one.

I don’t quite have zero dating experience; I had a year long relationship in my teens. In that relationship, my ex-girlfriend ‘C’ approached me and pushed everything forward in the early stages; eventually, she was also the one to choose to end the relationship. Though I recognised this was the right decision, the breakup was ultimately messy, and we have not stayed on good terms. I know that C entered a new relationship less than a year later, which continues to this day. I should also mention that C is a neurotypical extrovert, very different from myself. Around the same time as the breakup, I got my ASD diagnosis, while also dealing with severe social and academic anxiety; I was pretty depressed for about a year, and hopelessly lonely.

In a lot of ways, things have got better in the five years since then. Since starting university, I’ve begun to put together a solid social life, and have made a few great friends. Although there is still room to improve, I don’t feel nearly as lonely as I once did. I’m also working on creative personal projects which give me a sense of direction and purpose.

To some extent, I feel that my current single status is my choice. One of the biggest lessons I learned from my relationship with C is to never settle out of desperation, or out of fear of loneliness. It’s only in retrospect that I’ve realised I was more in love with the idea of being in a relationship, than I was with C herself. I was just flattered that someone was showing interest in me. When I think about it, I’ve yet to fall in love with another person, in a way which extends beyond appreciation. It’s important to me that if and when I meet someone new, that my affection for the other person comes from a much more spontaneous place: that I love her for who she is, rather than merely appreciating her for alleviating my loneliness.

However, I still sometimes find myself thinking about my relationship with C, and the lack of progress I’ve made in my romantic life since then. I sometimes find it difficult to stop myself from comparing myself to C, and the almost seamless way she entered a new relationship so quickly. Sometimes I also feel envious of my coupled-up friends; I consciously know that there’s nothing about them that makes them any better than me, or any more deserving of being in a happy relationship, but it’s hard to shake off feelings of inferiority, or a sense of shame, or failure. I think it taps into a pretty deep-seated fear of being rejected by others, which I’ve had since I was a child.

When I think about it rationally, I know that the situation isn’t all that bad; I’m still young and have plenty of time to figure all of this out. Nevertheless, I still nevertheless struggle with bouts of frustration and self-hatred for my perceived lack of progress. I know that desperation is not a healthy emotion, but it too often gets the better of me and sours my mood. Moreover, I have this irrational fear that my relationship with C was a fluke, that things will never change or get better, and that I’ll never be extroverted enough to make the connections I need to make, to find somebody new. I am weary of my own desperate feelings, yet unable to fully escape them.

Another aspect of this is that I rarely find myself attracted to women beyond a superficial level, and that’s because I have a reciprocal type of desire; I desire being desired by women, but I don’t particularly enjoy pursuing women (this is why C hit all the right buttons with me, initially). This is unfortunate, because for whatever reasons, it seems like most women don’t enjoy actively pursuing men, or aren’t socialised to. It’s normalised that men are supposed to be the pursuers, but I don’t feel comfortable in that role. I don’t know, maybe I will have to accept this discomfort going forward, but it’s one of the factors at play, anyway.

I suspect what I need to do is stop myself from obsessing over what I don’t have and focus on staying in the present moment. I try to convince myself that I can make myself happy, and that I don’t truly need anything beyond myself, but it’s hard. It feels like I have a whole bunch of contradictory thoughts, desires and fears tangled up with each other, and I’m uncertain about the right approach to take moving forward. I’m not sure how well I’ve articulated myself in these paragraphs, but I’m hoping that an outside perspective could help to shine a light on my situation and help me figure out the most productive path moving forward.

Thank you,

Tired Of My Own Thoughts

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Why It’s So Difficult To Make Positive Changes

August 18, 2021 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Well, today was going to be a return to some practical topics. I’d been working on a column about approaching people and being able to talk to strangers. I had all my notes wrapped up, I had the rough outline ready to go… and then, well, you know how to make the gods laugh, right?

Two professional boxers fighting in the ring, one being punched in the face — (L) My Plans
(R) The Internet

I was somewhat amused when, as I was searching for one reference or another, I saw that Lifehacker ran a piece on talking to strangers. The timing was felicitous, the resources surprising and the comments… well the comments were about typical. Specifically, the genre of “not just no but hell no,” with the level of vehemence you would expect from a suggestion that, I dunno, people should try snorting ground up cockroaches or something.

Now what was interesting, to me, is how much people’s resistance to the idea that Talking To People Is Good, Actually came from a place of “I don’t like this, therefore it’s impossible and also bad.” And… honestly, it reminded me of so many people who actively resist concepts of hope and improvement and want to believe that life is pointless and “hope” is just “cope”. However, while that was an interesting germ of an idea for a piece, I had my plan. I had my notes. I was going to finally write this column about the structure of approaches so I could at least close the tabs in my research browser.

And then I watched ContraPoints’ latest video on the topic of envy. And one casual sentence that Natalie delivers, almost off-handedly, unlocked something in my brain:

“I wish more people could feel things without rushing to a ‘rational’ defense of the feeling.”

If there were ever a better description of what I see so very often in folks who struggle with making positive changes in their lives… well, I haven’t seen one yet. That set off a series of thoughts, observations and ideas and… well, look, universe, I can take a damn hint already. So the planned column got shelved for this one instead.

Because, if we’re all being honest, we’ve all had times when we’ve fought against doing things we know would likely make our lives better. We’ve all experienced that resistance to making changes, thrown up reason after reason why things wouldn’t work, and found “proof” after “proof” that the struggle was hopeless. But, as the saying goes: when God closes a door, you blow open a hole in the wall instead.

Sometimes the difference between success and failure isn’t about skill or having the right “technique”, it’s about knowing when to get out of your own damn way.

So let’s talk about why it can be so damn hard to make positive changes in your life… even when the status quo is making you miserable.

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Men, This Is Why You THINK You’re Ugly

August 4, 2021 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

So, I’m gonna do something a little different today.

There’re some letters I get over and over again. Not from the same person, but variations on an incredibly common theme. There are some letters and topics that come up so often with the same insecurities, often using identical language, that it seems pretty obvious they’re coming from the same place, literally and metaphorically. And just between you, me and everyone reading this… it gets a bit frustrating. I mean, it’s not like I haven’t covered these topics in exhausting detail. And likewise, it’s not as though I haven’t covered how to handle these issues.

Angry frustrated annoyed young adult man consumer feel rage looking at computer notebook screen — I mean, do folks not realize I have a search bar and extensive archive?

So needless to say, I get a bit of a headache when I get the latest version of “why do women only like X guys” like this one:

Doc , I feel really depressed and I want to share with you my story. Growing up i knew i was not the most handsome man in the room , women always ignore me because i was , well , not an eye candy.i bet that you get this question asked fair often but , if you are average can you be attractive to women? it seems that in order to be attractive to women you need to be a really really good looking dude (and tall , and muscular..) never in my life any women give a damn about me (and being honest , i never talk to them) but why in the name of god a woman (who has all the options of the world and 0% reject rate and access to modern day dating apps such as Tinder or Bumble) will choose me?

i read your article about pre -rejection but i think you are underestimating the amount of power women have when it comes to dating , any woman no matter how “ugly” she is can have the most handsome man in the room for a casual fling or relationship , women don’t face any hardship in the dating world. in fact , being a man is actually a curse , you have to do all the hard work in all the stages all your life. my main problem Doc is that i find very difficult to feel empathy to women since they have all the advantage. i don’t want to feel that way but is the way i feel.

(All grammar and spelling are from the original.)

But rather than go into how to solve these problems — seriously, I’ve got ten years worth of archives, podcasts, YouTube videos and several books, folks — we’re gonna get to the root of it all. Because, quite frankly, no amount of self-improvement is going to work until you focus on why, not the how. And that means talking about how folks get here, first.

So come up to the lab and see what’s on the slab; it’s time for a little exploratory emotional surgery. Here’s why so many men feel unattractive.

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These Mistakes Are Costing You Dates

July 7, 2021 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

I have a serious question for you: are you someone who plays to win, or who plays to avoid losing?

Most folks would say that, yes, they absolutely play to win. Even if they’re not the sort of min/maxing, loophole-finding, cutthroat gamesman who makes board game night a flaming hellscape, people will generally say that when they play, their goal is to make a sincere effort at winning.

Group of friends sitting at wooden table, having fun while playing board game. — Except for Abbott: the ONE guy who plays Pandemic by being on the side of the disease, WHAT THE FUCK, ABBOTT?

However, if you look at people’s dating life, you’d be forgiven for thinking that not only are they not playing to win, they’re playing in a way that’s designed to ensure they won’t find a long-term partner. To be blunt, a lot of the ways that people approach dating actively works against them. They are, for all intents and purposes, focused on not losing. That is: they’re focused more on avoiding rejection than they are on finding a potential partner. And to be fair: this is understandable. If you don’t have a lot of social experience, you’re just starting to date or you’re finding yourself back on the market again, rejection can be scary. It feels like the worst thing that could happen to you. It’s natural to want to try to avoid it at all costs.

But the problem is that trying to avoid “losing” isn’t the same as winning; in fact, taking this outlook will actually cost you dates.

It’s time to stop handicapping your own love life. Here’s how to recognize and avoid these common dating mistakes.

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Should I Move Just For A Better Chance At Love?

July 2, 2021 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hello Doc,

My first attempt to get into online dating perfectly matched one of my biggest fears about online dating: there’s no one around. The most basic search with a wide distance and age range shows that all the single people are at least 60-70 miles away from where I’m at. And I kind of expected that. Businesses have died and/or left, and everyone I see around who isn’t at least my parents’ age is married and raising a family. Might be worth noting that Tinder is one I haven’t tried because I have zero interest in hookups. I want to find a long-term partner and get married, sooner rather than later because my 20’s are over and I’m afraid that if my singleness goes on for too much longer, then I won’t be able to raise a family like I want to.

It seems like the solution is to just move already, but the problem is, I kind of have a really good gig here. Professionally, anyway. I have a good job that pays well, I occupy a unique role in my workplace, and I have good professional relationships. Socially, it’s all gone to crap. I don’t have any close friendships or emotional intimacy with anyone. I haven’t been on a date in nearly a decade. I’ve recently done a really good job losing weight and getting in shape with healthy diet and exercise, but my appearance will still be lacking even if I get a good physique. All this is good for my health and I’m glad I’m doing it, but it won’t fix the problem that I’m still me.

And that’s my big fear of relocating. My job feels like the one good thing that I have going for me. Creatively, no one wants anything I’ve made. My poems do nothing for people. My short stories lack relevance. My novels, like me, lack a worthwhile personality (I don’t care how difficult writing a novel may seem from the outside; all it takes is time and effort, so it’s not so much an accomplishment as a consequence of that effort. Writing a novel isn’t an accomplishment, writing a good one is). I’m not even capable of forming a critique group because no one reads my stuff beyond the first chapter. Socially, I don’t stand out in any distinct way. I don’t draw people in, I don’t have the sheer breadth of experience that most normal people have had by the time they’re 30. And I haven’t been on a date in years; I’m terrified of what someone would think of me if they found that out and were immediately repulsed (I hear the way people around me talk about people they met who don’t get dates, so this fear isn’t 100% irrational). And not to mention, this blog writes about how easy it is for people to detect loneliness and low self-esteem and be repelled by it, so I’m even more self-conscious and anxious because I know the people around me can all sense my already low self-esteem. Unless I’ve read into this incorrectly, it’s like low self-esteem is a permanent “keep away” sign bolted on to me for everyone to see. And yet I’m somehow supposed to feel better about myself even knowing this.

So let’s say I move, and now I’m in an area that has a large amount of single women ranging from mid-late 20s to early 30s. I would still be me underneath, and I would have thrown away the one good thing I had going for me, potentially trading it for a job I might hate, and now I’m just as alone as I was before except I can see that there are people out there dating. I’m afraid that I would have thrown away the best thing about me in exchange for a slightly bigger chance at something that I always had a hard time with. I have a really hard time swallowing that cost.

In short, would relocating right now just end up as a stupid, reckless gamble? Is there a way I could be smart about it and not take such massive risks(some risk is unavoidable, but you don’t throw all your money on one roulette spin)? Do I need to somehow get my personality fixed before I even consider trying to fit in with people socially? Or am I just a coward, and that’s why people aren’t drawn to me in the first place? Externally and on paper, it seems like I’m doing great, but I’m socially empty and it feels like I have to toss out the good I have just for a slight, tiny chance of not being empty.

Signed,
Running Out of Time to Fix My Life

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