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You are here: Home / Archives for sexual assault

Episode #106 – Did #MeToo RUIN Flirting?

January 30, 2019 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Did the #MeToo movement change flirting forever? Can men no longer approach women? What makes the difference between flirting and harassment in this day and age?

SHOW HIGHLIGHTS: 

  • The two types of complaints about #MeToo
  • The goal behind the meme that men can’t flirt anymore
  • How men are getting the point of #MeToo wrong
  • The MOST important part of flirting
  • How to avoid being yet another creeper

RELATED LINKS:

  • What Does It Take To Be A Good Man?
  • Perpetuating a Toxic Culture
  • The Difference Between Flirting and Harassment
  • Henry Cavill and Flirting in The #MeToo Era
  • Treating Men Like Idiots Is The Wrong Way To Stop Sexual Harassment

Listen Here
Download Here
Transcripts available at Patreon.com/DrNerdLove


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Filed Under: Podcasts Tagged With: creepers, dating, Don't Be A Creeper, flirting, how to flirt, Meeting Women, metoo, podcasts, sexual assault, sexual harassment, toxic masculinity, youtube

Ask Dr. NerdLove: Is It Too Late For Me?

December 31, 2018 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hi Doc,

I’m going to make this a bit of a short story, starting with the present, moving on to the past, and ending with some questions on how to approach my love-life’s future, if you don’t mind.

I’m a 32 year old web applications programmer, and I have had no real experience with love, sex, or even dating. There’s optimistic phrases for people like me, such as “late bloomer,” or “don’t compare your life to others, just live your life and things will be fine.” But, I’m real scared that I’m on my way to being Steve Carell’s 40-year-old Virgin. This leads me to not talk much about my love life with friends or family, but also, I think, leads to a circular problem because by not putting myself out there as willing or available, nothing really comes my way; kind of like job hunting. Compounding it all is the fact that I do suffer from some depression and social anxiety, which makes it tough for me to get out on my own. Leading me to go out only when I have friends or family available, and typically keeps me from going to or participating in things where I might meet other singles like myself.

Now for the past: I moved from a tiny town in a very rural area–like literally it was a 2 and a half hour drive just to go to a Walmart–when I was in the middle of High School to a larger city/metro with close to 3 million people. Made it hard to make and keep close friends. No real complaints. I’ve lived a good life. My Senior year of High School, I was a foreign exchange student in Kyoto, Japan, and went to a college prep (and English language friendly) school affiliated with the University of Kyoto. Met some friends that I currently pen pal (email) with today. Also, in my Junior year of High School, I was in Taekwondo. You would think a 16 year old boy would be hormone filled and super open to sex, but when a 26 year old instructor came onto me when we traveled together to a tournament with an overnight stay, I freaked out and was scared. Not really something you talk with any friends about, it’s just embarrassing. In college, I kinda sorta dated this girl that was in several of my classes, but, honestly, and embarrassingly, I didn’t really know how to take things a step further than just hanging out every now and then, going to a few movies, dinners, coffee shops, she even invited me over and cooked dinner a few times. I knew she wanted to “officially” date and was waiting for me to do something more…I could just feel it. But, I didn’t know what to do, and didn’t know how to communicate my feelings. I liked her, and wanted to take it further, too, but just wasn’t sure how to get past where we were. So, we graduated, she moved for a job, I moved for grad school, and that was that. We kept up a bit from a distance over the phone and email, but not much anymore; she’s married now. Got a scholarship to study at Cambridge in the UK for my masters degree. School was pretty intense, and I didn’t have a whole lot of time. Weirdly, there was a guy that I shared a very similar experience with that I had with my “kinda sorta girlfriend” in college. We actually kind of dated, I think. And, if I’m honest, I was attracted. And, I think it was a similar situation where we just weren’t sure how to go to the next step. So, I’m not really sure, but I may be bisexual.

That’s where we get to where I’m at now, and how do I move forward. I’m back where I’ve been since I was a Sophomore in High School. Living alone, but about a half hour drive from the parents. Working as a programmer. Having a hard time getting out on my own. And, also a little confused about my sexuality because, let’s be honest, I really have no real experience at all. How to a reconcile this and move forward. At 32, even if I’m comfortable with the fact that all my friends are married or seriously dating and I am doing nothing of the sort (which, I’m not), I feel like it’s time to move forward a bit. It’s hard to live alone at this point and not feel a little lonely. Any advice on steps to take to just get a catalyst going toward moving out of stagnation?

Thanks, Doc!

Too-Late Bloomer

[Read more…]

Filed Under: Ask Dr. NerdLove Tagged With: anxiety, ask dr. nerdlove, dating, meeting men, Meeting Women, older virgin, sexual assault, social anxiety, virginity

Episode #94 – How To Be A Better Man

October 10, 2018 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Over the last month, the nation has had one of many conversations about sexual assault and the affect it has on surivors. And as more women speak up, sharing their stories, sharing their pain and their rage, there are guys — guys who don’t want to be part of the problem, who want to be good men — who want to know what they can do to make things better.

And the answer is simple: men need to step up. We need to learn to be the men we were always meant to be and the men the world needs right now. We need to learn how to be better.

Show Highlights:

  • Why men need to do the work to make the world better
  • How the system we live in keeps men from seeing the realities women live with
  • Why it’s important to simply listen to women
  • What #believewomen actually means
  • Why we need to get comfortable with being uncomfortable

…and so much more

Related Links:

Nerds and Male Privilege

What Does It Take To Be A Better Man?

Reclaiming Manhood: Detoxifying Toxic Masculinity

Why It’s So Hard To Be A Good Man

Captain America and Non-Toxic Masculinity

Straight White Male: The Lowest Difficulty Setting There Is

Listen Here
Download Here


Don’t forget to subscribe and review us on iTunes , Stitcher and on YouTube.

Like the podcast? Become a Dr. NerdLove patron at Patreon.com/DrNerdLove

Want more dating advice? Check out my books at www.www.doctornerdlove.com/books

Filed Under: Podcasts, Self-Improvement Tagged With: be a better man, masculinity, nerds and male privilege, podcast, positive masculinity, self-improvement, sexual assault, sexual harassment, youtube

Episode #83 – What Terry Crews Can Teach Us About Standing Up For Male Victims

July 5, 2018 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

(Content Warning: Sexual Assault)

On June 26th, Expendables and Brooklyn 99 star Terry Crews testified before Congress in support of the Sexual Assault Survivor’s Bill of Rights. As part of his advocacy for survivors of rape and sexual assault, Crews talked about his own experience of having been the victim of sexual violence. In doing so he challenged the narrative of what it means to be the survivor of sexual assault… and showed us how we fail male victims of sexual violence.

Show Highlights:

  • Why few men ever speak up about having been sexually assaulted
  • How we teach men to not trust other men
  • How we treat male sexual assault as a joke
  • Why the narrative of who can be a victim harms survivors of sexual assault
  • Why rape and sexual assault isn’t about sex

and so much more.

Related Links:

Invisible Victims: Men In Abusive Relationships

Sexual Harassment and the Toxic Culture of Comics

Jonathan Martin and the Quiet Strength of Manhood

When Masculinity Fails Men

Understanding Toxic Masculinity

Listen Here
Download Here


Don’t forget to subscribe and review us on iTunes , Stitcher and on YouTube.

Like the podcast? Become a Dr. NerdLove patron at Patreon.com/DrNerdLove

Want more dating advice? Check out my books at www.www.doctornerdlove.com/books

Filed Under: Podcasts Tagged With: abusive relationships, male victims of abuse, metoo, podcasts, sexual abuse, sexual assault, Terry Crews, youtube

Ask Dr. NerdLove: Why Do Women Ignore Him on Dating Apps?

June 25, 2018 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Doctor’s Note: today’s column involves some generalized discussion of sexual assault. 

Hey Doc,

I’ve put together a profile that represents me well and that women seem to like. I get matches and messages from people who seem really cool. The problem is, I can’t sustain a conversation. I get two or three exchanges, maybe half a dozen, and they just vanish. It’s pretty clear to me that I have no idea what people want to hear.

I promise I’m not being creepy. I’m probably just being boring. I think I’m asking pretty reasonable ‘get to know you’ questions. “Are you from here? What do you think of this town?” “I’m excited about this plan I have, what are you up to?” “You like this genre of music. Do you know this artist? You’re in for a treat. (or You do? You’re cool!)”

I try to express an interest in their lives, while showing that I also have an interesting life. It’s not working, and I really don’t have any idea why. I don’t even enjoy getting a match anymore, as I know how exactly what is going to happen. I’ve been at this all year and only had one date out of at least 30 matches.

I know teasing is an important part of flirting. But I can’t do it. I’m way too genuine. I don’t even shit talk my closest friends, and I don’t know why I’d want to. One woman I dated suddenly exclaimed “Oh! You don’t know when I’m bullshitting you!” and vanished shortly after. Is this my problem? Do people want to hear bullshit from a stranger they want to like?

I’m pretty well stuck, and it’s taking it’s toll on my confidence. How can I learn to do this better? Are there transcripts of conversations I could study?

Bumble Fumble

[Read more…]

Filed Under: Ask Dr. NerdLove Tagged With: ask dr. nerdlove, bumble, dating apps, OKCupid, online dating, online dating profile, sexual assault, socially awkward is not an excuse, tinder

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About Dr. NerdLove:

Harris O'Malley (AKA Dr. NerdLove) is an internationally recognized blogger and dating coach who gives dating advice to geeks of all stripes. Making nerds sexier since 20011

Remember: Dr. NerdLove is not really a doctor. [Read More …]

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Recent Comments

  • Omenanoksa So, it sounds like you are in a very good age - and I do understand how uncomfortable it can be to talk about sex with one's parents unless it is established just a topic among other topics. I...

    Ask Dr. NerdLove: Help, I’m Too Frustrated To Date! ·  February 19, 2019

  • Omenanoksa These are very understandable feelings. I have also been there, wishing that I would have lisence to classify my life as hopeless and to stop trying because sometimes having hope hurts so much. Still,...

    Ask Dr. NerdLove: Help, I’m Too Frustrated To Date! ·  February 19, 2019

  • Omenanoksa I have yet to read "Yes Means Yes" - but I love the site, there are such amazing, informative pieces of writing there. ... and yes, even demisexual people like me enjoy fantasies and some forms of...

    Ask Dr. NerdLove: Help, I’m Too Frustrated To Date! ·  February 19, 2019

  • Paladin LW1, I feel you. I had a similar encounter with someone who, at least superficially, ticked all my boxes (polyglot PHD who jousted on the weekends). While I still daydream about running into her...

    Ask Dr. NerdLove: I Missed My Chance. What Do I Do Now? ·  February 19, 2019

  • Enail Well, maybe a place to start thinking about how you want to react or what you want to do about it would be thinking about why you don't think you could go through with it if someone you were...

    Ask Dr. NerdLove: Help, I’m Too Frustrated To Date! ·  February 19, 2019

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