sexual compatibility Archives

How Do I Date When I Don’t Know What I Want?

May 9, 2022 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hi Doc,

I’ve been reading your column for a little while now, and a lot of your advice has really been helpful for me in reframing some of my hangups around dating. Writing in now though because I have a problem that I don’t think I’ve seen addressed (or I just might have missed in the archives).

Some background, I’m a 27 year old bisexual (probably?) woman. I’ve got a new job that I’m enjoying so far, though it’s a lot more work than I’ve had in others, a great and fairly large social circle of friends and family, my own place that I really like, interests and hobbies I need to start picking back up now that the pandemic seems to be slowing down a bit, and I’m reaching a point where I want a relationship of some kind. I haven’t really dated much in general, a few first dates here and there and a 2 month thing in college that just sort of fizzled out. I mostly meet folks through dating apps nowadays, except the two month thing in college which was through a swing dancing club.

One other note is, I’ve never been diagnosed, but I definitely have some flavor of social anxiety, plus probably depression or possibly ADHD. I manage it fairly well, but it does mean that in new social situations I tend to be a bit on edge, and overcompensate by kind of putting on an over the top bubbly persona, which doesn’t always help people get to know the real me. I also somewhat regularly get overwhelmed with trying to balance work, basic life stuff (keeping apartment clean, cooking, keeping up with appointments, etc), and my social life, and usually the first thing that goes out the window for me is dating, so I’ll be the first to admit I’m not always putting effort into dating.

My main problem though is I’m having a hard time nailing down exactly what I’m looking for in a relationship. Like I said, I’m probably bisexual but I often feel more romantically attracted to masc-leaning folks but sexually attracted to femme folks, which is tricky. Additionally, I’m also not sure on the level of seriousness and commitment I’m looking for. I definitely want a long term committed partner eventually, but it takes me a while to warm up to folks. Even within my friend group, most of them are folks that I’ve known for years (still hang out with some folks I’ve been friends with in high school or earlier) and even then it took me a bit over a year to really feel comfortable and established with some of my newer friends.

On dating apps, when I’ve gone on dates with folks that are looking for something more serious, it always feels like I’m trying to force a connection, but conversely, if I go on dates with folks looking for something more casual, it often tends to just fizzle out with one of us ghosting the other. I also just have a hard time judging whether I’m even attracted to someone in the first place over an app and texts. In person, I tend to click better with people I meet and make friends fairly easily, but once again it takes me a while to figure out whether I’m actually attracted to someone. I think I’m probably somewhere on the demisexuality spectrum, but what that usually means is by the time I figure out I might be into someone, they’ve usually lost any interest they might have had or have started dating someone else by that point. And I once I do develop a crush on someone, they tend to be fairly intense and linger for ages even after I’ve confirmed that it isn’t going to happen, which makes it harder for me to be interested in other folks.

Part of the problem too is that I’m almost always the one to initiate. I don’t think I’m necessarily unattractive, but I am a bit overweight (working on getting back into dancing and weightlifting for that) and definitely not someone who has a bunch of folks pursuing them. I’ve gotten better about not being scared to be the one to initiate when I think I might be interested (thanks a great deal to a lot of your advice!) but it is kind of hard to be the initiator when you aren’t often sure of what you’re looking for yourself.

I could ramble on more, but in short, do you have any advice for how to date when you’re slow to warm to people and aren’t entirely sure what it is you’re looking for anyways?

Thanks,
Lukewarm and Indecisive

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Should I Fix My Relationship, Or Is It Time To Go?

May 2, 2022 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hi Doc

Just wanted to say a massive thank you for all you do. You’re stuff hits home about a lot of my issues and you argue your point in a very intelligent and well rounded way. I have a lot of rage and resentment towards women and you help me understand why and try to work through it. I thought I would ask your opinion about my current relationship issues. It’s a complex situation and I’m still working things out but thought I would ask if you had any opinion. It’s a long set up but would love your opinion (if you can be bothered to read the whole essay below!)

Been in a long term relationship for around 6 years now. This is my first serious relationship, (I’m now 36) as I didn’t loose my virginity until I was 27. We both have fairly significant mental and emotional issues, I have problems with OCD, anxiety, IBS and depression while she has a lot of fears about acceptance which make her very needy and clingy. Both of these stem from our upbringing (we have both recently started therapy and are finding out a lot of interesting ideas and points but the process is expensive and slow!), her dad died when she was young and her mother is a textbook narcissist, while my mum was and is fairly critical and overbearing while my dad is very passive and does everything he can to please her, regardless of how ridiculous she is being. The relationship is a bit co-dependent, we both support each other through all our shit but the relationship became really strained a few months ago when we stopped communicating well.

I was always working or playing Warhammer (massive nerd I know!) while she became distant and passive aggressive. We ended up having a big talk where I said I needed some space and left the house. Been thinking for ages that I’m not sure about the relationship, we have very little in common and we barely ever have sex, but half way down the road I realised I didn’t want to lose her. We got back together, with us both agreeing to work on our issues. I am more a ‘love avoidant’, whereas she is more of a ‘love addict’ pattern (recently read ‘The Truth’ by Neil Strauss). She wants me to promise to be with her forever whereas I want her to open up sexually (I always initiate, she never gives me a blowjob, it’s always standard missionary and happens about once every 2 months). I have classic nice guy issues (which I have been working on and am getting better at) as well as problems with intimacy, commitment and very low self esteem (I just read your piece on internal vs external validation, was really good!). I have a deep seated need to be desired sexually and have spent a lot of hours looking through adult dating sites recently, not looking to cheat but seeing what’s out there and enjoying the show and fantasy.

I have only recently got onto Twitter and follow a lot of cosplayers and models who share my interests. I have been thinking about polyamory and open relationships for a while but am not sure if this is just who I am or just me needing the validation that comes with seducing as many beautiful women as I can. I know that porn stars and the girls on twitter are putting on a show a lot of the time and it’s a fantasy but I can’t help but feel that there is someone better suited to me out there, someone who has a higher sex drive, is kinky, beautiful, happy to sleep with other women (obviously this would be the dream!) shares my interests but I know that this may be wishful thinking and I have a big problem attracting women I am attracted to. Although I love my girlfriend, I am not entirely happy in the relationship or in my life. I am trying to work out what I should do next, I am going to therapy to try and work through these issues but as you can probably tell, I have a lot of issues to work through and this all takes time. I have just read your piece on becoming more attractive and feeling like you need to make up for lost time, I am conscious that I am coming closer to 40 while I am still mainly attracted to women in their 20s and 30s. I just feel stuck, I really don’t want to hurt her or lose her but I am not sexually satisfied, reaching for fantasy and the stunning, flawless, sexy women I see online.

My therapist seems to think I’m with her because I don’t think I can get or deserve to be with anyone else (I don’t feel I deserve my current girlfriend either to tell you the truth) and there may be some truth in that but I do genuinely care about her and enjoy her company. It’s the fact that I do not feel sexually fulfilled, she’s always ‘too tired’ for sex but will not let me seek sexual fulfillment outside of the relationship. I feel like I’m in a lose-lose situation and have no idea what to do apart from continuing to go to therapy and read around all these subjects, which all take time.

She is in a fairly low paying job so I support her a lot financially (I’m paying for her therapy for a start) and we’re thinking about buying a house together, which is bringing all these issues a bit more to the surface. I simultaneously want to stay and leave the relationship and have no idea what’s for the best.

Sorry for the essay but leaving bits out would put the question out of context. What would be your opinion on the whole thing?

Many thanks and keep up the good work

Mister Fix-It

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How Do I Stop Feeling Ashamed of Being A Virgin?

April 13, 2022 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Dear Dr. NerdLove:

I came across one of blog forums, and thought it may be beneficial to reach out to you.

I’ve been getting a lot of shit from my family, mainly siblings and stepmom, about still being a virgin. I’m a 19 year old male coming from an extremely religious household. I was super self-conscious throughout high school, which combined with religion, negatively affected my ability to make friends/relationships. Since COVID I’ve been living with my dad’s family, who consistently insult my social ineptitude.

I’ve been looking up online the ages people usually lose their virginity, and feel like the clock is ticking till I become the stereotypical 40-year-old virgin. I really don’t care whether or not I ever have sex, as my priorities are on my career, but it feels like there’s a negative stigma towards virgins. I’d rather have a one-night-stand or some hookup now just to get it over with.

Do you have any advice for someone like me that has no experience with dating or hookups, and lacks in ideal qualities like looks or being a great conversationalist?

First Time Writer, Long Time V-Card Holder

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I’m Not Broken, So Why Do Men Keep Trying to Fix Me?

February 25, 2022 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hello Doc!

Long time reader first time writer. Your column has hit really close to home many times and I figured it couldn’t hurt to get your take on my situation.

I am a hyper-independent female with a relatively active social life and am good with the opposite sex and dating. Sounds great right? Where’s the catch you ask? My problem starts when the sexy time ends and attachment begins.

To be super cliché, I don’t do love, rather I don’t feel love, at least not the hearts and flutters and serotonin that I am told people usually feel. I tell people this up front, and it has gone unheard time and time again. And in the end, it always goes badly and someone always gets hurt. I generally get called a cold unfeeling bitch. Because how can I not feel the same?! Or worse I will be told, then “I’ll just have to teach you how to love”.

Needless to say, I hate everything this implies. I have been in many long term unhealthy relationships because, maybe one day I’ll feel it, right? No dice. Can someone be aromantic but not asexual? And is there any way at all that I can be considered relationship material with out the love connection? Or am I going to be stuck with short term because people assume that I don’t feel anything just because I don’t feel as strongly as they do? Help!

Not A Fixer-Upper

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Do I Have To Choose Between Love and Good Sex?

December 31, 2021 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hi Doctor,

Recently, I’ve be doing a lot of self reflection and realized one big issue I deal with is loneliness. However, another thing I’ve come to question is my use of porn and my consumption of porn, especially my use of hard-core material. I’ve come to realise I feel unable to consume “regular” or just softcore porn as it can be called. One of the issues is that when I do, it makes me feel lonely it feels like I can’t watch it because I guess with anything a bit more “hardcore” there is some sort of disassociation from it.

I wouldn’t say I have a huge issue with porn; sometimes I can consume too much but when I go days or weeks without it and eventually relapse. I’m still unable to watch something less hardcore because my loneliness can at times feel crippling. I want to view less porn in general or at least things that are not as hardcore and unrealistic as I do enjoy softcore but feel unable to consume any form of it.

I think the issue is made worse by the fact I’m a 28 year old virgin, and watching things where it’s a bit more passionate and loving etc makes me feel like I’m missing out or have missed out, and always will so I chose to watch something more hard-core that I can do what’s needed and leave behind without feeling “I missed out on that and would love to have it”. Maybe I’m rationalising my consumption of porn and more hardcore versions of it; I’ve just come to realise where my loneliness can lead me and how it can effect my behaviour .

Any advice on how to deal with my consumption of more hardcore material while trying to deal with loneliness and navigating dating and my virginity at a older age.

Red Showtime Diaries

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