Dear Dr. NerdLove:
So, I have a husband that I recently married and I love him dearly. We both have autism and have dated eight years before we got married and he wanted to wait until marriage which I was totally fine with. As a demisexual, it took me three years to even want to have sex with him and I can kind of take it or leave it and my antipsychotics I take for my bipolar don’t really help my libido either. I feel like people are going to say “I told you so” because it turns out he has ED which we found out is most likely due to sleep apnea which we are working on fixing though due to COVID the sleep clinic is backed up so it has been a slow process. He also can’t give oral sex due to speech issues which makes moving his tongue and licking difficult so we haven’t really had any sort of sex even since marrying.
For some reason, I just feel like I am supposed to resent him when I do not. We are happier than ever and he doesn’t seem to really care either about sex either. We very much love each other and are happy, but I see a lot of what you saying about how waiting until marriage is a bad idea because stuff like this would happen but neither of us really found sex important to begin with so we didn’t really have any problems waiting which wasn’t due to any religious reason either because he is not religious, it was more that is just what his parents expected of him and he rebelled against his parents so much as a teen that he felt it was the least he could do for them. With me, sex is nice, but I could just sort of take it or leave it. I only really wanted to have sex just to say I had it.
But yeah, I just don’t know what to do because I feel like what I am feeling about this situation isn’t really how I am supposed to feel seeing how everyone else from what I have read on places like Reddit would resent their partner if such a thing would happen and I have heard people saying being fine in a sexless relationship is just a “cope” if you feel like this, but it isn’t just a “cope” we are legitimately happy and I am not lying to myself. With me, I am more concerned about his sleep apnea than I am fixing his ED which is merely just a symptom of a bigger problem because he has been so sleep deprived and it is affecting his life in other ways.
Am I wrong for not resenting him when everyone else I read about in a similar situation does?
Tell Me Now How Do I Feel