sexual compatibility Archives - Page 2 of 6

Ask Dr. NerdLove: Help, My Girlfriend Wants Sex (And I Don’t)

March 11, 2019 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hi Doc,

I was hoping you could help me figure out what to do in the situation i’m in.

My girlfriend and I are both virgins, and we’ve have been in a relationship for two years and change. Recently – around two years ago – we ended our long-distance relationship and finally started living together. Ever since I moved in, she’s been more and more insistent on having sex.

Simply put, I don’t want to have sex yet. She always respects it when I say no (otherwise I would have broken up her the first time she did this) but she seems to get very upset when I do. She’s been getting increasingly antsy about it each time. She’s even started telling people I wont have sex with her, and has been making remarks to others about how I wont have sex with her in casual conversation… whether it’s private or not.

I honestly feel quite close to screaming at her about it, but I don’t want to be the person to bring it to that point. The last thing I want is an argument. It’s incredibly upsetting because I feel as though she isn’t respecting my boundaries on this.

If it’s worth mentioning, I’ve still been regularly masturbating and my sex drive is still very much intact. I just don’t personally feel ready for this, the way that she seems to be. She even dropped condoms near me and said “We’re using these tonight” before going to work today.

Thank you

Stressed and Unsure

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Episode #108 – The Virgin’s Guide To Great Sex

February 27, 2019 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Many virgin men– especially older virgins — believe that no woman’s going to want to sleep with a guy who has no experience… but they can’t they get that experience without having sex.

So let’s ruin any chance of this video being monetized and talk about what anyone — even a virgin — can do that will make them an amazing lover.

SHOW HIGHLIGHTS:

What women REALLY think of male virgins
Why understanding YOUR needs can help you fulfill HERS
The one thing men DON’T do (but they SHOULD) before their first time
Why you need to use your tongue (but not like that)
How to avoid being a “one minute man” in bed

… and so much more.

RELATED LINKS:

Sex For Beginners

Busting The Fear of Virginity

Be The Greatest Lover She’s Ever Known

F*ck Like A Gentleman (pt.1)

The Virginity Paradox

Listen Here
Download Here
Transcripts available at Patreon.com/DrNerdLove

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Ask Dr. NerdLove: Did Porn Ruin Our Sex Life?

November 23, 2018 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Dear Dr. NerdLove:

My husband (to whom I have been married for nine years) and I haven’t had sex for more than two and a half years. When the dearth began, it seemed mutual. Our physical connection had never been strong, and he was highly interested in his hobbies (mostly watching movies and television). Because our connection had not been strong, I didn’t mind a short break. I just never dreamed it would last as long as it has. It is looking as though I will never have sex again, barring an affair or a divorce. (We do not plan to get a divorce, not so much “for the sake of the children,” but because we both wish to remain an intact family with those children. We like our family life, appreciate each other’s co-parenting, and could not afford to live separately.)

I have known for longer than the length of this dry spell that my husband is a porn user. I never liked it, but I also didn’t predict that it would cause an absolute end to our sex life. The very young women featured in his preferred porn look nothing like me; however, his choice does, at least, indicate that he is heterosexual, and I was under the impression that very many men managed to enjoy porn and also have sex in real life.

My husband is highly apologetic for his inability to have renewed interest in sex. I remain confused about his absolute lack of sex drive. His testosterone was somewhat low when tested a few years ago, and it probably became lower with age. However, it seems to be the case that his interest in porn is deep, but sporadic. He is trying to quit because he says it is a bad use of his time and he feels bad and dirty about it; he is politically progressive and does not (intellectually/politically) support the porn industry. He can go a month or two without using, but when he does use it, he maintains a real web presence about it, sharing with other men on various social media sites. He has a screen name and a persona. I would normally think that someone with such a deep interest in porn would, after denying himself for a few weeks, be willing to try real-life sex, as an alternative to nothing.

Based on what you know of men, sex, and porn, does this add up? I keep wondering if there is a reason for his reluctance that he is not telling me. I can see that he is lacking the vitality and lustfulness I have seen in other men. In a way, it is believable that he has no libido. Why, then, the very strong interest in porn?

FWIW, I spent the first half of this year trying to press the issue, by forcing him into a discussion that he strongly resisted. I then decided to seek therapy (just for myself), and through self work, I have reached a level of acceptance. I have learned to be nice about it. His answer is “no,” and I no longer press for discussion. I am largely focusing on other areas of my life, with the idea in the back of my mind that I will treat myself to a discreet affair once per decade until I am so old that it is impossible. That’s at least three affairs, if I maintain The Golden Girls as my inspiration. (I could have up to five if I channel my inner Sophia.)

I understand that you will not be able to endorse my plans for infidelity. Can you, though, offer insight into my husband’s sexuality?

Yours truly,

Puzzled Over Porn

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Ask Dr. NerdLove: How Do I Cure Commitment Phobia?

October 15, 2018 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hey Doc,
Appreciate the site, and your responses to so many of us trying to figure this whole “desire for romance” thing out. It’s not easy, so thank you.

My question to you regards the idea of “commitment-phobia”. I put it in quotation marks because, while I had heard the term before, I never really knew there was a pattern of behavior associated with the phrase. I just assumed it was what people told themselves/others when they were rejected by someone they fancied so as to alleviate the sting of that rejection. Plus, I know it’s not an actual, clinical diagnosis with criteria that need to be met and so forth so I never really thought it could be a real thing.

Until it happened to me.

I was telling my buddy that the great woman (we’ll call her E) I spent two months with abruptly ended everything and pulled the “I’m not ready for a relationship” card (another phrase I never take at face value, to be honest) out of nowhere. My buddy was aware of how quickly things between myself and E escalated, and upon hearing of her very sudden and unexpected departure, said “yeah dude. She’s afraid of commitment.” After telling him I thought that was bullshit, he went on to explain that commitment-phobia unfolds exactly how things unfolded with E and I. Commitment-phobes are super, crazy hot for you at the beginning, but the second they feel like a real relationship is forming, with obligations and expectations they’ll need to meet, they leave. They’re terrified of these obligations, these expectations, so goes the theory of commitment-phobia.

I started reading what the internet had to say about commitment-phobia and was floored. Blown away by how SPECIFIC these sites/authors were relaying E’s behavior. Our relationship was textbook commitment-phobia, come to find. We met through a friend of a friend and immediately hit it off. Numbers were exchanged that first night, flirted for about a month before our schedules allowed us to see each other again, and we were off and running. Text messages throughout the day, staying with each other two, three nights a week, dinners cooked, friends met and sex, sex, sex. Each and every time we were alone at either my place or hers, it went down. And SHE initiated virtually all of these things. I never said no to her, despite thinking once or twice that we were moving pretty fast, because I was absolutely crazy about her. She was amazing. We had “the talk” two weeks in, where she told me she thought about some reasons she shouldn’t move things forward with me but that she ultimately decided she had to be with me, she felt for me that much. “There’s no way I can not be in a relationship with you” she said, verbatim. I was absolutely over the moon. Couldn’t have been happier to hear her say that, I was head over heels for this woman.

So, this goes on for two months until one Monday night (she always came over on Mondays after her dance class and stayed the night with me; again, we definitely had a routine of shared time down by this point) she arrives without her overnight bag. I ask why she doesn’t have it, and she tells me we need to talk. My heart immediately sunk. Those are never good words to hear from your woman and sure enough, she did what everyone does when they tell you they “need to talk”. She dumped me. And did it by explaining how perfect a guy I am and that “this isn’t some Tinder shit with you, I think about you way too much, all day, and I can’t have that in my life right now. I’m way too busy starting my career and I’ve been through a lot of changes in life recently. You’re such a good, genuine person and I can’t give you what I know you deserve right now, so I have to end this.”

Crushed, broken-hearted and dejected I told her I wished she felt differently, that I would hope this could be something we actually talked about before she made such a big decision, but her mind was made up. So, I told her how much I cared about her and how awesome I thought our connection was one last time and then let her go.

But she didn’t let me go. Again, according to the patterns of behavior associated with commitment-phobia I read so much about, the commitment-phobe will end the relationship only until the anxiety they feel over being in a relationship and all the expectations with it subside, and then they’ll be back in touch. And E was. Not specifically to get back together, but to ask questions that didn’t need asking, to make comments that didn’t need to be made and just overall being unable to go without being in touch for more than two or three weeks at a time. I ultimately had to tell her not to be in touch with me for any reason, no matter how big or small she thought it was unless it was to discuss the rekindling of our intimate and romantic relationship.

To sum things up, and my question to you, is what I should be making of all of this and are the red flags described in the ideas of commitment-phobia something I need to pay closer attention should I find myself in a similar situation in the future? “If it feels great and is moving quickly because two people legitimately have deep feelings for one another, and they realize this soon, then SHUT IT DOWN because one of you is a commitment-phobe”. That just sounds crazy.

Or could E have been legitimately honest when she said she wasn’t ready for a relationship when she did so much, and went so far out of her way to make me think she did, and that she was into me and was in it for the long haul? If that’s the case, how is it possible the idea of her not being ready for a relationship only occurred to her after making it a point to spend as much time with me as she could for two whole months? She’s a mature, adult woman who is HIGHLY educated (38 years old with a Ph.D. in psychology FFS). How could she NOT have known she wasn’t ready for a relationship when we flirted for a month and then she solidified everything herself by bringing up “the talk” and telling me she had to be in a relationship with me?

I’ve had my fair share of experiences with women, I know when they pull the “I’m not ready” card it’s because they’re just not into you, but NOTHING about E’s behavior made me think she wasn’t anything but crazy about me.

What am I missing here?

Signed,
Victim of Commitment-phobia?

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Ask Dr. NerdLove: How Do I Ask For an Open Relationship?

August 24, 2018 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hi Doctor!

I am in my late twenties, and am in a long-term relationship with my first serious boyfriend, “D”. I grew up in a very conservative religious environment, so I was delayed when it came to dating/sex and have experienced a lot of sexual shame. While I had a few very short-lived and not very enjoyable sexual encounters before meeting D, he was the one who “took my virginity” (I hate that phrase but it’s most accurate I guess); I love him and I find our relationship very fulfilling.

I think it’s because of the unconditional love and support that he’s offered me that I was finally able to explore my sexuality, think critically about it, and finally accept that I am a bisexual woman. Unfortunately, being in a monogamous m/f relationship essentially makes this realization moot. When I told D that I am bisexual he was very supportive and said that if I needed to go out and kiss a woman to explore that side of my sexuality, he was okay with it, and I immediately rejected the offer, not wanting to jeopardize the relationship.

The issue is, now I wish I had taken him up on his offer; I love him so much and if I had to choose between exploring my sexuality with women and keeping him, I’d pick him. I’ve thought about bringing up the possibility of my having a short, casual fling or having a threesome with a woman so he can be involved, but I am really afraid that if he isn’t comfortable with it, he’ll feel guilty for taking that away from me (I’m not at all afraid of him being angry with me, but I’m afraid he might feel hurt/inadequate). I jokingly brought up the idea of having a threesome about six months ago, and while he wasn’t hostile towards the idea he didn’t seem interested, so I dropped it.

I am also concerned that maybe my desire to branch out is in part due to our sex life; the sex is frequent and intimate, but not terribly adventurous, though I do try to spice it up every once in a while. Maybe I should focus more on amping up our sex life as-is before trying to explore sex outside of the relationship? Or maybe I should be honest with D about how I’m feeling anyway?

Looking For Options

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