• Archives
  • Contact Me
  • The Secret Origin of Dr. NerdLove
  • Dr. NerdLove Store
  • Dr. NerdLove’s Affiliate Store

Paging Dr. NerdLove

Love, Sex and Dating For The Modern Nerd

Search The Archives

  • Books
  • Podcasts
  • The Grimes Test
  • Ask Dr. NerdLove
  • The Basics
  • Private Coaching
  • Contact Me

Why Is Our Sex Life Out of Synch?

October 2, 2020 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Dear Dr. NerdLove: 

I recently reconnected with a sexual partner from my past. We’ve always kept in touch over the past 8 years, but are now trying to have a “normal” intimate, next level relationship.

The problem is …I enjoy quicker “activities” – let’s say 30-40 minutes, including foreplay. He prefers longer sessions and can go for hours without an orgasm. This hurts (he’s well endowed) and even though we try all the positions, 40-50 minutes (at least) of straight penetration is painful. I don’t feel like I’m turning him on enough (although he remains hard and assures me that he’s turned on). Unfortunately, my feelings of “inadequacy” are starting to wear on me. And yes, we’ve tried blow jobs and hand jobs to give my girl a rest, but even a 20 minute blow job (plus foreplay and penetrating), doesn’t help him get there.

The thing I’m worried most about is, I think it’s starting to affect both of us mentally. The other night when we were making out, I asked him to grab a condom and he declined sex…saying he didn’t want to disappoint me. Well, you can imagine how that left me feeling. Part of me thinks he’s okay having sex and letting me get off (even if he doesn’t), but another part of me can’t believe a man doesn’t want to orgasm (I mean, what about, “blue balls?!”).

I’m bummed about it. He says, don’t worry, we’ll get in synch. I don’t know if either one of wants to have sex anymore. Which makes me sad because we have an amazing relationship outside of this. But sex is important to me (and I’m assuming to him, as well). And before you ask, we’ve explored all kinds of foreplay, positions, places, etc…all of that is good.

I think that we’re both starting to experience mental blocks when it comes to orgasms. By the way, before we reconnected, he admitted that he’s always had a hard time reaching climax (but he doesn’t know why). He can reach it if/when he masturbates. And, says, he’s guilty of faking orgasms (with others) in the past. He said, he’s never faked with me — he’s only reached orgasms a couple of times with me; we eventually stop having sex because I’m too sore to continue. Hence, why I try to add other stimulation and find out what he’s doing himself that helps him orgasm when he’s alone.

I don’t know what else to do and I’m afraid it’ll become a problem that we can’t overcome.

Burning Out

[Read more…]

Episode #149 — How Do You Know If She’s Right For You?

August 26, 2020 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

What makes one relationship last, while another falls apart? Why do you seem to have found your dream relationship, only to have it turn into a nightmare? Your partner may seem perfect, but it takes more than shallow commonalities to make a relationship work. Just because things are amazing in the beginning doesn’t mean that everything is going to work out on it’s own.

If you’ve ever wondered whether she’s “the one”, or you want to know if your relationship has what it takes to go the distance, then you need to answer these questions.

SHOW HIGHLIGHTS:

  • Why people end up in cycles of relationships that SEEM great, but fall apart within six months
  • How “New Relationship Energy” can hide relationship destroying flaws
  • What you REALLY need to have in common to make a relationship last
  • Why the way you fight may be more important than your “love languages”
  • What sexual compatibility REALLY means

… and so much more.

RELATED LINKS:

Are You Ready For A Girlfriend? — https://www.doctornerdlove.com/are-you-ready-for-a-girlfriend/

Is She Right For You? — https://www.doctornerdlove.com/is-she-right-for-you/

5 Questions You Should Ask Before You Start Your Next Relationship — https://www.doctornerdlove.com/5-questions-you-should-ask-when-you-start-relationship/

Are You Sexually Compatible? — https://www.doctornerdlove.com/are-you-sexually-compatible/

How To Have The “Defining The Relationship” Talk — https://www.doctornerdlove.com/defining-the-relationship/

Listen Here
Download Here


Don’t forget to subscribe and review us on iTunes , Stitcher and on YouTube.

Like the podcast? Become a Dr. NerdLove patron at Patreon.com/DrNerdLove

Want more dating advice? Check out my books at www.www.doctornerdlove.com/books

[Read more…]

Is There A Right Way To Break Up With Someone?

July 31, 2020 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hi Doc,

I am a 25 year old homosexual male. My boyfriend and I have been together a little over a year and a half. I love him dearly but I’m not 100% positive that he’s the man I want to marry and start a family with. Herein lies the issue: he is sure.

Now for some background. This man has had a VERY turbulent childhood. I’ll spare you the gory details, but long story short his parents kicked him out and disowned him when he came out as trans. Needless to say, he didn’t really have a family before he met me. He’s told me on multiple occasions how I’ve given him a family, and I am so unbelievably happy that I’ve been able to do that for him.

However, I feel stuck.

Lately, I’ve been debating with myself if I want to pull the trigger and break up with him. I know this is gonna make me sound shallow, but part of it is because I miss dick, as he does not have one (he has a very small one that grew due to the hormones, but that’s besides the point) and will not entertain the idea of an open relationship. But the majority of it is because, ever since the pandemic hit, he’s been quite annoying and SUPER clingy. I’m not quite sure where it came from; he was never like this pre-COVID.

Like he’s told me, I’ve finally given him a family, and I have no idea how in the hell I can even BEGIN to take that away from him. And that comes in addition to the internal debate that normally comes with wanting to break up with a person.

I also thought it might be worth adding that he has told me multiple times that he would never break up with me. So, if either of us were to break things off, it’d be me. I don’t like that and, I’m no relationship expert, but that can’t be healthy. What if I were to royally screw him over in some unforgivable way?

Any advice on the matter would be greatly appreciated.

–Caught Between a Rock and a Hard Place

[Read more…]

How Do I Tell My Husband I Need A Kinkier Sex Life?

April 27, 2020 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Dear Dr. NerdLove,

I’ve been married to a wonderful man for 5 years. I grew up in a strict religion and felt sexually repressed for most of my life. Then I met a man several years my junior who loved me and converted for me to marry me. We’ve gone through a lot together, a few health scares, deaths of family members. We have an autistic son with visual impairment. He’s been my rock and support.

Our sex life is ok. I’ve always had a high sex drive and for the past several months it’s been in overdrive. I think he realized that I’ve been holding back, and he found a safe judgement free app we can use to share our fantasies with each other. It turns out we both want threesomes with another woman. We discussed it further and I told him that I’m actually bi and am interested in swinging. He said that was awesome and he was down for it! What proceeded was 3 days of great sex and fantasies. Then he jokingly slut shamed me for being interested in swinging and then that night we had a bad sex session and then he told me he wasn’t actually interested in swinging. I now feel ashamed and raw. We reached out to a sex therapist who concluded that I was the problem. That when my husband said yes and looked up swinging clubs, that that meant he was thinking about it, not that he was interested. And that I have self esteem issues that are getting in the way of my getting over this.

I feel betrayed that he essentially lured me into a false sense of security to disclose my deepest darkest secret and then rejected me. I can’t leave him. We have a special needs son and I make 5 times as much as he does and he’d take me to the cleaners. Short of inventing a time machine, I don’t know what to do or how to proceed. I found the therapist judgements and hateful but realize that if my husband and the therapist both say I’m the problem, that they’re probably right. I don’t know what to do. I haven’t had sex with my husband since. I’ve always been socially awkward and am lucky I found my husband. Do you have a script I can use in my head before psyching myself up before sex that I can use? I’m not the biggest fan of  “get over yourself, you’re damaged one” that I can from our therapist.

Thanks
Lost and Bi in PA

This is an interesting letter, LaBiPA, not so much because of the content — this is actually a fairly common issue — but because the roles are reversed. Most of the time when I hear from someone in a hetero relationship whose desire for more adventurous sex caused problems, it’s usually the man who tripped over his dick. It’s less common — not unheard of, but less common — for the woman to be both the initiator and the one who moved faster than their partner may have been comfortable with.

Now, there’s a lot to untangle here, but let’s start with where things went wrong and why. The issue here is that you jumped the gun and pushed things too far, too fast. This is actually a very common problem when someone starts to roll out a kink or a fantasy they’d like to try. Their partner is ok with it, maybe even finds it hot, and there’re a few days of talking it out that lead to all kinds of exciting sex. But when the kink-seeking partner tries to actually make the fantasy happen, the whole thing hits a giant brick wall at 30 miles per hour. The problem is that the would-be-kinkster took things a step too far. Their partner was warming up to the idea, even enjoying the erotic charge that came from fantasizing about it… but as anyone who’s ever thought about, say, jumping out of a plane can tell you, there’s a vast difference between fantasizing about it and the reality. Even people who are legitimately interested in trying this new thing, whether it may be swinging, threesomes or forms of non-monogamy, may suddenly discover they have second thoughts about trying it. In fact, this has tripped up many couples when it came to opening up the relationship; everyone was on board until one of them actually banged someone else and the other partner had a freak out over it.

That’s what happened here, LaBiPA: you and your hubby may have been getting charged up over talking about it, even looking up swingers clubs and talking about theoretical plans… but he still wasn’t ready to make that last leap. You took things farther than he was ready for and he balked. And honestly, it’s understandable. As much as society tells us that a MFF threesome is the ultimate male fantasy, it can be hard for some men to see someone — male, female or enbie — going to town on their partner. The same goes for any form of swapping; it can be fodder for fantasy, but a harder thing to do when you’re meeting the person who’s about to get down with someone you love.

Now that having been said:  it really wasn’t cool for your husband to make jokes about you being “slutty”. If he’s uncomfortable with the situation, actually saying “hey, y’know what, I’m not sure I’m as into this as you are,” would’ve been far better. Making jokes about you being hornier or just more into non-meat-and-potatoes sex than he is may have been a reaction to feeling weird about things, but it’s inappropriate and profoundly unhelpful all the same.

In an ideal world — and what you should do next time, assuming there is a next time — is take baby steps. Talking about it, fantasizing about it together, even looking up clubs is one step. The next would be to talk things out: what would this look like? What would we want in an ideal guest-star? The following step would be to start considering potential options together; that might mean browsing dating apps or going to bars and just checking out people with no intent of actually talking to them or approaching them. The next step might be to visit a sex club, strictly as tourists; you both agree in advance that nothing is going to happen, you’re just going to check out the vibe and see how you feel, etc. Another step to a potential threesome would be possibly having you flirt or dance with someone else at a bar. If you get to the point of bringing someone home, then you have hard limits on what is and isn’t allowed for the first time, and so forth. Taking these steps makes it easier for everyone to gauge their comfort and to tap the brakes if it’s going beyond what they’re ready for. It also gives a more reluctant partner the chance to get acclimated to the idea and decide that this isn’t so bad and maybe the next step will be ok too.

Unfortunately, you didn’t do these things and as a result: your husband stomped the brakes (in a not-terribly great or understanding way) and you all ended up in couples counseling over this.

That’s also where I start to have questions about the way you present the fallout to the whole misadventure. It sounds a lot like you’re the frustration of coming close to fulfilling a fantasy — and your self-esteem issues — color your perception of  what went down afterwards. For example: while I get that you’re upset — you were so close to this awesome adventure! — I don’t think your husband betrayed you or cruelly manipulated you in order to… I dunno, go “PSYCHE!” because fuck you, that’s why. It sounds to me like this was an honest fantasy that he was willing to explore until it started feeling like it was going faster than he liked. Similarly, I think you need to take a step back and look at exactly what was said, rather than how you felt (and still feel) in the moment. Did your sex therapist actually say that “you’re at fault and you’re damaged,” or did it just feel this way? There’s a vast difference between “you could have done this in a different way,” and “you’re a freak and should be ashamed.”

It’s not impossible that the therapist did frame it that way; God knows there’re some truly awful and sex-negative sex therapists out there. But it sounds a lot like you’ve swung from excited for sexy fun times to “this just proves I’m an awful person” and that’s affecting how you interpreted things.

While you examine things as dispassionately as you can, I would suggest talking to a different therapist — first by yourself, then possibly with your husband. A sex-positive therapist — one who isn’t going to tell you that you’re “broken” —  can not only help you process your feelings about this misadventure, but can also help facilitate the conversation between you and your husband. They can also help develop a roadmap for future adventures, in a way that doesn’t end with one or the both of you getting your feelings hurt, or worse. The American Association of Sexual Educators, Counselors and Therapists has a referral directory on their site that can help you find the sex-positive therapist or couple’s counselor that can walk you through how to talk this through and ease the pain that this has inadvertently caused you.

Good luck.


Hi Doc,

So this may not be your typical question. More or less I need to bounce some ideas.

I want to ask my girlfriend to marry me. We’ve been together for over four years and she’s helped me become a better person and reach for things I doubted I could do before. She’s smart, funny and attractive. I love her more every day and I’m looking forward to spending the rest of our lives together.

Thing is, I was planning on making a proposal in front our friends at a party I wanted to hold after I completed work on a big project of mine. But then the coronavirus hit and changed everything. We can’t have gatherings so I can’t invite a bunch of people over to look at this thing and then make the proposal in front of them all. I couldn’t have done it without her, so I want her to be a part of the whole thing.

If this was normal I’d probably just be like “well whatever, I’ll just do it in private” but it’s not exactly normal. You see, my girlfriend is trans. This is a non-issue for me and our friends, but one thing I know what she wants is for the engagement to be a big deal. She’s expressed that she feels she deserves a special proposal just as any woman would. I agree that she deserves to have a big deal be made about getting engaged, and I want to make that a reality.

But we’re all stuck at home and that makes it difficult to make my plan a reality.

Thing is, we have no idea how long this will last. Some estimates are over a year, and I don’t want to wait that long. Honestly I was hoping to have done it by now already.

My girlfriend’s needs and desires are important to me and I want to make her dreams come true, but I also want to be engaged to her and call her my fiancé, like, yesterday. I’ve already almost messed up and called her my fiancé a couple times. So what do I do? Do I just go for it and make this finally happen in as special a way as I can in isolation? Or do I wait to make the day as special as it can possibly be?

And just for the record, I have no doubt she’ll accept. We’ve talked about it before and she’s made it clear she expects me to propose eventually. This won’t be a surprise besides the day, time and way I plan to do it.

Thanks for the help.

-Isolated in Indecision

First of all, congratulations on your impending engagement, IOI; it’s great that you and your girlfriend are at a point where you’re ready to tie the knot. It’s just a damn shame that you — like so many others — have had your lives and plans turned thoroughly upside down by the COVID-19 pandemic.On a personal level… I’m not the biggest fan of elaborate or showy proposals. I can understand the appeal to a certain extent, but I find that past a certain point, they’re less about a celebration of love and partnership and more about showing off. A lot of those viral proposals may make for great moments on TikTok or YouTube, but they always rub me the wrong way; it feels more like they’re for other people instead of the couple.

But that’s just me; I can also understand wanting to give your partner the proposal she wants, especially in a way that gives her the validation society often denies trans women. So fuck it, let’s showboat a little. The fact that we’re stuck in unusual circumstances doesn’t mean that you can’t propose, or that you can’t make it special for her. It just requires some creativity and out of the box thinking.

The key here is to think about just what would make her feel special and why. Would it be about including your mutual friends and family in the moment? Would it be about the effort it took to make it special? Maybe it would be something in the way that you did it — something that you can put together that speaks to the things she loves and enjoys.

There’re a number of potential options and ideas, depending on how elaborate you want to go and how much time, effort and money you’re willing to throw at the project. One of the fastest and easiest would be to enlist the help of others. If, for example, a favorite celebrity of hers is on Cameo, you could commission them to help you pop the question. Alternately, you could propose — while still maintaining social distancing — by delivering the ring via drone; fly the drone up to her window, while you stand below. Another way you could involve friends or family is to propose via an online game; many couples have proposed in World of Warcraft, Final Fantasy XIV, even Animal Crossing. All of these give you the chance to have your friends in virtual attendance, even allowing them to get dolled up in ways they might not be able to in the real world now. You could even arrange a Zoom happy hour… that just happens to be so you can propose. Hell, set things up so y’all serenade her

Other couples have gotten literally creative with their proposals. If you or your girlfriend have a favorite comic or artist or art style, commissioning a short comic might work. Others have used bespoke games to propose to great effect. But proposing — even a showy, special proposal — doesn’t need to be an incredibly elaborate or expensive affair. Even something as simple as a Twine game would feel special; the point is about the two of you, after all, not the amount of money or trouble you went through to make it happen.

So think about the things that are meaningful to your girlfriend or that are representative to your relationship. What has the most meaning, ties into something she loves or is reminiscent of the story of your lives together? Use that as the base and work outwards from there.

Just remember; at the end of the day, it’s not the proposal that matters, it’s the love behind it.

Good luck.

How Do I Tell My Dates I Can’t Have Sex… Ever?

April 20, 2020 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

I am not sure how to address this problem and I am hoping that you can offer guidance.

I am a single retired male in my 60s. I live alone and have never been married. I would like to date and I would like to be in a relationship. However, sexually ….. I am not able. No, not even with blue pills.

So my question is at what point in a relationship should I bring up this topic? Certainly not when I am introduced, certainly not after we are married.

I want very much to be in a committed long term romantic relationship. I would feel very uncomfortable getting deep enough into a relationship that sex is about to happen, and then stop and explain and apologize and leave her unsatisfied and confused and probable angry at me.

I don’t know how or when to bring this up. It is stopping me from even trying to find someone and I am here by myself unhappily alone.

Your advice would be appreciated.

Thank you very much.

Lacking Important Marital Possibility

[Read more…]

« Previous Page
Next Page »

About Dr. NerdLove:

Harris O'Malley (AKA Dr. NerdLove) is an internationally recognized blogger and dating coach who gives dating advice to geeks of all stripes. Making nerds sexier since 20011

Remember: Dr. NerdLove is not really a doctor. [Read More …]

Connect With Dr. NerdLove

  • Facebook
  • Instagram
  • RSS
  • Twitter
  • YouTube

Categories

Like Us On Facebook

Facebook Pagelike Widget

Become a Dr. NerdLove Patron

Virtual Tip Jar

private coaching is available at doctornerdlove.com/private-coaching

Out Now!

My new dating guide, New Game + is available at Amazon.com , iTunes and everywhere books are sold.

Recent Comments

  • rullerofallmarmalade He already said “no thanks” though. And for an insecure person who has toxic ideas and who feels like he’s behind everyone around him in terms of life accomplishments talking to a mother, you...

    When Does My Life Finally Get Better? ·  April 11, 2021

  • Gallowglass So what's being challenged, exactly? Everyone knows women like tall, muscular men. What's supposed to be different about this particular iteration of that point, beyond empty gestures toward a sort of...

    Why Do Women Love “Himbos”? ·  April 11, 2021

  • Gallowglass >Some women are into friendly giant types who are built like a brick house are emotionally tender and genuine. There’s not much to get stuck on. ...So women are attracted to painfully...

    Why Do Women Love “Himbos”? ·  April 11, 2021

  • Gallowglass >This too is great, but it speaks for a conversation that in the real-world is actually, “These men are fucking hot, AND they have emotional plus points”. EXACTLY. Why do you think "nerds"...

    Why Do Women Love “Himbos”? ·  April 11, 2021

  • Gallowglass The beginning of your story and your percentage breakdown of the women willing to date you does sort of seem to reinforce the "Height never matters, except it really does" part, though, doesn't it?

    Why Do Women Love “Himbos”? ·  April 11, 2021

Popular Posts

What Couples Can Learn From Gomez and Morticia AddamsWhat Couples Can Learn From Gomez and Morticia Addams
Socially Awkward Isn’t An ExcuseSocially Awkward Isn’t An Excuse
Nerds and Male PrivilegeNerds and Male Privilege
On Labeling Women “Crazy”On Labeling Women “Crazy”
When Masculinity Fails MenWhen Masculinity Fails Men

Archives

Tags

abusive relationships ask dr. nerdlove attitude attraction be a better man be a better person boundaries break up cheating communication confidence dating Don't Be A Creeper emotional abuse emotional health emotional intelligence flirting level up lifestyle masculinity Meeting Women mental health oneitis online dating podcast podcasts rejection relationship maintenance relationships self-esteem self-improvement self-limiting beliefs sex sexual compatibility sexuality skills social skills talking to women the friend zone toxic masculinity toxic relationships use your words virginity what not to do youtube