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Ask Dr. NerdLove: Can I Be Happy AND Save My Relationship?

March 12, 2018 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hello,

I don’t regularly tune in, or read any articles, but I just read 2 after searching for help and thought it might be good for me to submit my predicament.

I love my boyfriend so very much, for so many reasons. I want him to be a part of my life until death. I’ve been with my boyfriend for going on 2 years, but it seems as though some things in my mind have changed. At this point in time, I’m kind of lost with what to do and how to respond to those changes that have a direct affect on him.

Firstly, I’d like to let it be known that I am not a fan of homosexual sex, but I definitely am gay. I told him all this in the beginning, but I went that extra mile for him because I love him and wanted him to be happy. A couple months in I couldn’t bear it anymore and it needed to stop, so at that point we would only do so much, and not frequently because I don’t really enjoy it. A little bit further in time and now we don’t really do it at all, it stresses me out to much and makes me feel uncomfortable and anxious. This has led me to believe that I am somewhat asexual. I expressed this to him and he understood, now there is a clear line between what we can do and not do, but he is unhappy with the lack of sex mostly because he feels like he’s missing out on life.

I was fairly attracted to my boyfriend in the beginning, but we have both physically changed quite a bit and now, I am no longer sexually attracted to him and it might be the reason why I can’t do anything at all anymore. This may be why it stresses me out so much.

Lastly, I’ve discovered that although I love my boyfriend and will certainly always put him at the top of my priorities, I genuinely enjoy flirting with others and getting to know them. I don’t care to kiss and obviously sexual, but the process of getting to know somebody and that period of flirting feels so great. I’ve started to believe now that I might have a desire to be polyamorous, something he is totally not on board with.

I feel bad, I feel like I’m hurting him with these desires and lack of sexuality, it’s not fair to him. I’ve offered to bargain but he wants this idealistic stereotypical standard definition monogomous relationship and he loves me but not more than he loves what a monogomous relationship is.

We’ve discussed breaking up, a possible solution but we love each other and shouldn’t have to put our relationship down over it. I’ve also brought up an open relationship so he can hook up with others but he doesn’t want it.

I am at a loss for what to do, I dont want to hurt him or waste his time but I love him and don’t want to loose him. He wants what he wants without any changes and I’m afraid that if I commit to him that it would destroy us as well as our relationship.

I don’t want to burn this amazing bridge that we’ve built, but my desires have changed so much and he doesn’t share them.

Thank you!

Mid-Relationship Crisis

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Ask Dr. NerdLove: Did Sharing My Fantasies Kill Our Sex Life?

January 12, 2018 by Dr. NerdLove 130 Comments

Hey Doc,

I’m a 32 year old man and my fiancé is a 30 year old woman. She has an 11 year old daughter from a previous relationship. We have been together for 5 years (on and off) but are really happy in every part of our relationship except our sex life.

We broke up for about 6 months about a year and a half ago and we both saw other people in that time. We both realised that we really wanted to be with each other and got back together.

I think the time apart changed us for the better and the worse. We both knew that we didn’t want to be in a relationship with anyone else but we came back kind of determined to live our lives how we wanted as we’d seen another side.

I really find her very attractive but after the first few months of being back together and having that honeymoon period again, we went through a rough sexual patch. I was hiding my true sexual needs from her and I was getting frustrated at the vanilla sex. I eventually opened up to her and funnily enough she opened up to me too. We both had similar fantasies so I presumed that we would then go on to act them out together.

The fantasies are; stag and vixen (Hotwife), threesome MMF, foursome MMFM, “cheating” etc etc. You get the idea. I was pleased!!!!

We spoke about it and I got excited. Then it turned out she didn’t want to make it a reality, she didn’t even want to compromise by pretending. She won’t role play, talk dirty, even pretend by text message that she’s into it… just to give me something. She will happily think about it to herself, watch porn about it to herself…. but any involvement with me is being “fake” or setting it up. She wants spontaneity, but not in that way. For instance, if I started talking about while we have sex she’ll get angry and tell me it’s a turn off.

I feel like I’d meet her kinky needs but she won’t try to meet mine, although she actually secretly likes what I’m into.

She wants to have sex to cum. That’s it. Not to have fun. Not to grow closer. She wants me to be “a man” and get on with it. Get hard, fuck her, cum, then go to sleep. There’s no room for play. Experimentation.

Don’t forget we are engaged and I very much love this woman. I just don’t want have to have “boring” sex that doesn’t turn me on, when I feel like we could be having so much more fun.

We’ve gone down to sex a couple of times a month because I just can’t get excited about it. I lose my erection because to be honest it’s just so predictable that I switch off.

I read your article on sexual compatibility and it says you should compromise, but she’s not willing to do it. She said if I want that in my sex life then I should find someone else because she’s not like that. Which means I just put up with it…. but then I’m made to feel like I’m not into sex because I don’t get aroused just because she’s naked. She thinks that’s enough. I should be gagging to bang her.

What do I do? Is it me? Is it her? Is it both of us?? It’s very confusing because this is my entire life. I don’t want to throw away my relationship because of miscommunication or misunderstanding, or even social pressure to be normal!!

Thank you in advance.

Frustrated Fantasist

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Ask Dr. NerdLove: Can I Save Our Sex Life?

August 11, 2017 by Dr. NerdLove 120 Comments

Hi Dr. NerdLove,

Question for the expert. I’m in a long-term relationship that’s lasted roughly ~3 years. My girlfriend and I (both early 30s) have been living together for two years out of the three we’ve been dating and we get along great; we’re both geeks and animal-lovers who suffer from some level of social anxiety and we share a lot of the same interests / passions. We’re reaching the stage where we’re talking about getting married / spending the rest of our lives together. I’d be thrilled about that, except for one thing that worries me; we don’t have sex that much any more, and I’m not 100% sure I understand why (that’s the part that really worries me).

Qualifier: “that much” obviously depends on who you ask and what they call “that much”. Let’s just say that we have sex on average maybe once every two-three weeks and earlier this year somehow managed to go a month and a half without getting it on. That’s not down to me — ideally I would have sex twice a week but once a week works. My girlfriend, on the other hand, finds sex very anxiety-inducing because of her insecurities about her appearance. She has a tough time getting in the mood, nowadays she usually has to read some online erotica for half an hour or so before she can get in the mood to have sex. Consequently, she doesn’t like to have sex very often, and I feel bad bugging her to have sex all the time. Even when we do have sex it often gets awkward because she’s so anxious — she’s deeply insecure about her appearance (true, what woman isn’t). I love to go down on her and she won’t let me, for example, because of her anxiety. Last time I tried to go down on her, she got all “in her head” about me being down there and sexytime was over.

Back at the beginning of our relationship we didn’t have any of these problems — we used to have sex all the time, and there was never any of this awkwardness. At some point, maybe after six months or so, we started to have sex less and less often, and it’s been kind of a gradual slide since then. My gf says she’s worried about her body because some horrible ex gave her a hard time about how he thought she was fat or whatever, but I think she’s gorgeous, I love her body and I’d like to have sex more often than we do. It’s a little frustrating to have to go to sleep next to her every night and go, well, I guess we can’t do it tonight because she’s not in the mood, and I know tomorrow night and the night after are going to be the same way, but hey…maybe in a week and a half or so…who knows. So I end up feeling undesirable and frustrated.

We’ve talked about this a few times. Partly this happens because of her anxiety (as a result of which she’s not in the mood most of the time); partly I think it’s also because we’re very busy (we’re both very career-oriented people and we’ve both had a lot going on over the last year). But I’m very worried that maybe she’s just not sexually attracted to me any more. She says she finds me very attractive, she says I’m great in bed and she loves the sex we do have, says the best sex she’s had in her life was with me, but then…she has a hard time getting in the mood more often than once every two or three weeks, so…I don’t know.

An open relationship isn’t really an option — it’s not something that would work for either of us.

So my questions are these:

1) This is the first relationship in my life that’s lasted for more than a couple years (my love life in my 20s was pretty lame, partly due those social anxiety issues I mentioned…oh well.) Is it pretty typical to be having sex 1-2 times a month after you’ve been together a few years? Am I worrying about something that’s really pretty typical and not a big deal?

2) What can I do to help her feel less anxious about — well, intimacy? What’s the best way to try to get the spark back in our relationship without bugging her to death about having sex more often (I hate doing that)? Or is it possible she’s just no longer attracted to me in spite of what she says?

3) Is marriage likely to help (by making her less anxious) or make things worse (say, going from sex once every two or three weeks to once every two or three months?)

Sorry if that’s a little long-winded. This has been bugging me lately so I’d be very grateful for any advice you can give!

Best,
Confused And Confounded

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Ask Dr. NerdLove: Was I Right To Leave Her?

March 31, 2017 by Dr. NerdLove 203 Comments

Hey Doc. I’ve been reading your articles a lot lately and they are so reasonable that I thought to myself that maybe you could put some reason in my head as well.

You see, to be really short, I met a perfect girl about a year and a half ago, or so I thought. She told be about her male friend from Spain whom she met while she was on her student exchange. We started dating in December 2015, I told her I loved her in April 2016. In March she went to see this Spanish friend. She said that they arranged this visit before she met me. I didn’t protest, I didn’t want to limit her, I wanted to be perfect for her. In May she went with him for two weeks to New York. Same justification – “we arranged it before I met you”. Spoiler – she was lying. In June she told me that she loved me back and she has never met with him ever since. And I can tell you it was true, her feeling. Maybe I’m naive but she did love me, I’m quite sure.

Fast forward to September 2016 – I got an e-mail from somebody. Turns out the spanish friend was her “fuck friend”. The e-mail contained all their conversations on facebook and all their e-mails. Moreover, in this e-mail there was a spreadsheet which documented all their trips and all the times they had sex. They were awarding themselves points for each intercourse, each blowjob etc. and also some bonus points for other things like sex in the shower or sexy lingerie. Of course, the March and May trips were also there.

I broke up in October 2016. She was so sorry. And she lured me back. I came back. She became perfect. She threw out (but only then) all the postcards she received from him, all the lingerie sets he bought for her. She was literally a dream girlfriend. But I didn’t forgive and didn’t forget. I couldn’t. But I still loved her and I still do. And I tried really hard to find a way in which it would work, but I didn’t. After a couple of months of hesitating and fighting with my love and my hatred for her, I gave up, I walked away two weeks ago.

Now, please remember that it’s a really, really short story, but to sum it up: she lied in my face about her relationship with him. She went twice to see him and have sex with him, even a few days after I told her I loved her. She continued to talk to him on facebook after she told me she loved me. And they had this “spreadsheet” game of awarding themselves points for fucking.

And after I walked away, I read your article about what you can do with cheating. How you can survive it but you have to forgive. How it’s possible to maintain a relationship after betrayal, even though it’s gonna be a completely different relationship. And you also wrote that the acts of cheating are not equal.

My question is: was this the kind of an “unforgivable” cheat? Was this the right decision to leave her? I know that it’s something that I have to determine eventually, but I wanted your say on this as an expert. I still love her and frankly, if there was a way to make this work, I would. I would like to forgive her, but even if I could – would this be a wise decision considering the above details? If you’re willing to forgive something like that, should you then always take the road of forgiveness? Or perhaps forgiveness and staying with her would be a wrong decision, no matter what.

Right now we’re at the stage where she wrote to me how much she misses me and how much she is not able to live right now. I also replied a couple of times about how hard it is for me. And a few days later, her tone changed – she was very unemotional, saying that she thought things over and that because of her “emotional destruction” after I left, she lost a lot of time at work and she can’t afford it anymore. And that we can meet and talk but it’s either we try or we stop all contact with each other. And I got mad – I wanted to know that she still suffers like I do, that she cares. That she actually has no right to dictate such terms, because she destroyed the relationship. And I panicked because I realised that it would probably mean no contact. Suddenly “the ball” was in her court and it freaked me out.

You should know that I feel guilty because of this breakup. I have a feeling that there was a way to stay with her, but I couldn’t find it. Your article made me think that maybe, if I want to stay with her, I should try to forgive her, no matter what she did. Also, you wrote about the difference between what you want to do and what you’re supposed to want. It’s true – all my friends tell me to dump her, go nuclear and break all possible contacts with her. I, on the other side, still love her despite what she did and would love to get back with her and forgive her. But despite the fact whether I could forgive her or not, would this be a wise decision considering what she did?

In other words – I am seeking confirmation that it was a right decision to leave her. Even a simple Yes or No would do.

Thank You,
Not A Special One

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Ask Dr. NerdLove: Do I Come On Too Strong?

December 16, 2016 by Dr. NerdLove 543 Comments

Hi Dr. NerdLove,

I’m 23 and looking for love in the Big Apple. I recently stumbled onto your blog, and I’ve really enjoyed it/found it helpful. I would like some advice. My problem isn’t actually getting girls. I’ve had a couple of girlfriends and can get a date. My problem is pushing them away because I come on too strong.

Here is my most recent “failure.” I met this girl at a bar about a month ago. She was very good looking and we bonded over singing “Jessie’s Girl,” being nerdy, and similar experiences with Greek Life in college, among other things. We talked for a long time, and I was smitten. I got her number and asked her out the next day, and she responded positively. We texted just about every day for two weeks until we actually went on the date (she was busy the weekend after we met so we had to wait). She told me she was really looking forward to it. I was too.

The date started out really well. We took an hour to order food because we couldn’t stop talking to each other long enough to look at the menu, and never ran out of things to say throughout the meal. We had similar interests and personality quirks, so there was obviously chemistry. She told me she was having a really great time near the end of dinner. She offered to pay for part of dinner, but I picked up the check and said, “Maybe if we do this again…” and she cut me off immediately and said, “When we do this again.” And after dinner, I took her to a romantic spot and we kissed, and it was mutually wanted (we both leaned in for it). And I think it was a fine kiss too, before you ask. So all good signs.

And then…I held her hand for like 30 seconds and said I was glad I had met her. And I asked if I could put my arm around her and she said she was okay with it, but I could tell it was awkward. In fact, the whole mood of the date had changed after the kiss and she just seemed more out of place. So when I asked her out again, she told me no because I had come on too strong and it made her freak out.

A month later, I’m still kind of bummed about it. She seemed so into me, and now, I have nothing to show for it. And she was really great, and she was the first girl since my last girlfriend a year ago that I really felt this strong a connection with (and I’ve gone on other dates, but not one this good in a while). So yeah, I was really into her, and I guess that’s my problem: I had fallen head-over-heels for this girl who I had only met twice. And I think even if my acts were relatively tame (I mean, some people have sex on the first date, holding hands shouldn’t be such a big deal), my feelings had shown through.

It’s a common thread too. It’s why online dating is hard for me because I get attached so easily. I’ve said “I love you” fairly quickly in my previous relationships, and my aforementioned last girlfriend had a problem with me doing too much in the relationship, or making too big romantic gestures. That’s not a humble brag, by the way, it’s real problem. I fall for girls very quickly, I give too much or come on too strong too soon, and I end up getting hurt. And it seems the longer I’m single, and even though I have other pursuits in my life to make that time more fulfilling, it becomes harder to reign those feelings in because I just get more excited each time about the prospect of meeting someone.

So I guess my question is this: how do I keep my feelings in check? How do I not get so attached to someone I’ve just met, even if I think they’re an amazing person? How do I care less? Thanks for your advice.

Sincerely,

Wannabe Ted Mosby

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