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Is It Ok To End A Relationship Over Sex?

May 10, 2021 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hey Doc,

How do you know if/when to end a long-term relationship when everything is great except for the sex? How do you know when it’s irrational to keep trying to make it work?

I’ve been dating my girlfriend Helen (not her real name) for 5 years, and lived with her for 3. We’re both in our mid-20s. Before meeting Helen, I had very little success in the dating and sexual realm; this is my first real relationship and she’s the only person I’ve had sex with more than once (I had a couple of one-time hookups years ago). We mutually decided to be polyamorous from the start, as both of us identified with it, though in practice I haven’t dated outside our relationship.

Helen and I were friends before we started dating, and as soon as we did we went through the typical honeymoon phase, including a deep personal connection and lots of enthusiastic sex. The thing is, even after the honeymoon phase wore off the non-sexual parts of our relationship continued to be amazing. We have similar values and (weird) personality types, share similar niche academic interests, communicate openly and honestly, and have a mutual love of cuddling. We still find ourselves regularly getting lost in fascinating, hours-long conversations. We’ve supported one another through hard times and mental illness. We’re best friends, and until recently I was 100% sure I was going to spend the rest of my life with Helen.

Over the course of our relationship, though, we’ve been having sex less and less, and Helen has seemed less and less sexually attracted to me. Nowadays, we sometimes go months without any sort of sexual intimacy. Even when we do have sex, while Helen still says she enjoys it, I always have to initiate and it’s clear that she’s mostly doing it because she cares about me and the relationship, and less out of visceral desire or excitement (she’s also told me as much, FWIW). It feels like she always prefers snuggling up with me on the couch and watching another episode of a show together over having sex, no matter what I do. We’ve had many conversations where I’ve tried to ask Helen in a lowkey way what I could do to be more attractive or make sex with me more enjoyable for her, but her responses are either unhelpfully vague or that it’s more about her than me.

To make matters worse, it isn’t that Helen’s sex drive has gone down in general, just that it’s gone down for sex with me in particular. While I wouldn’t say she has a high sex drive, and stress sometimes completely kills it for a week or two at a time, generally speaking she still masturbates, and when she has other partners she still enthusiastically has sex with them (this is based on conversations we’ve had, not my own assumptions, to be clear).

This is a problem for me. I have a high sex drive and really value sexuality. I masturbate almost daily, and often 2-3 times a day. And I’m still very attracted to Helen. Even after 5 years. I still feel over the moon every time we have sex, and it makes me feel close to her in a way few other things do.

I know it’s not realistic to expect daily sex in a long-term relationship, and that sometimes people will have a stressful week or month that might dramatically lower their libido temporarily, and I’m ok with that. That said, I really want my primary partner to make me feel desired, to sometimes be enthusiastic about sex with me, and to have sex with them a couple times a week on average. I want to feel like my partner is getting as much from sex as I am. I want my sex life to be more than just a very occasional quickie or handjob to keep me happy.

It really hurts to feel like your own girlfriend doesn’t desire you anymore. I try not to let it get to me too much and focus on the other good things in our relationship, but in some moods this dynamic makes me feel undesirable, lonely, and sexually frustrated, which is how I often felt back in my unhappy years as a college-aged virgin.

At the same time, aside from the sex our relationship is wonderful and I’d be devastated if it ended. When I compare our relationship to those of my friends and family, Helen and I have one of the healthiest and closest I know of outside of the bedroom. That connection feels really special and I feel like I’d be a fool to give it up.

Sometimes I wonder if I should try my hand once again at polyamorous dating to get my sexual needs met now that I’ve been vaccinated, but other times I wonder how much that would really help. And, to be honest, my past experiences with online dating as a partnered, polyamorous, introverted guy have been extremely dispiriting and not particularly fruitful.

My question isn’t so much about how I can be more attractive to Helen or communicate better about sex with her, we’ve been seeing a sex-positive couple’s therapist about that, but rather how do you know when you’ve given it your all and it just isn’t going to work out? How do I even go about thinking about this? What questions should I be asking myself? I feel so lost and uncertain.

Thanks,

Lost in a Relationship

[Read more…]

Why Don’t I Want To Sleep With My Girlfriend?

March 26, 2021 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hello Dr. NerdLove:

I’m a man in my early thirties. Growing up throughout my adolescence and, until I was around 25, I didn’t had any kind of sexual or even a casual relationship with any woman. I didn’t go to parties or any kind of social events, my job was menial and going nowhere and I didn’t have many friends. At that point I had just given up and had decided that sex, relationships and love was not for me. However, around that time I met a woman which basically did all the heavy lifting involved at the beginning (flirting with me, asking me out, inviting me to her house, go for the kiss, etc). We started dating not long after and it was with her that I started becoming a grown man (losing my virginity, learning to plan things, learning to drive and move through the city, go to parties, etc).

I never thought of my girlfriend as ugly, but I didn’t find her very attractive either. Everything was so new at the beginning that I didn’t think much of her looks. As time passed I started noticing other girls and me being a more mature, social and responsible man, girls started noticing me too. I’ve never stopped loving my girlfriend but the physical attraction was eventually gone and my desire to be with other women was increasing, so eventually we had an amicable break up.

Over this past few years I’ve been attending therapy and working on several aspects of myself that need improving both mentally and physically. Even though I can’t say I am a fulfilled man, I can really see a difference from the man I was when I was 25 years old, but the issue I have now is that I don’t really know how to establish a connection with women I am attracted to. When the person is very attractive, I don’t really behave like myself but I pretend to be different. Fortunately, this is I problem I have identified by now, but I don’t know how to resolve it. Being myself around attractive women makes me very nervous and anxious, even if my real self tends to be very likeable by other people. 

Over the past few years I have only been with a handful of women, and with all of them at most I felt some mild attraction. The problem is I can’t really build any kind of relationship with these women because I am unable to have sex with them. This is in part because I don’t find them very attractive and partly because I masturbate a lot just to unload all this sexual desire that I have in me.

I know that part of the solution is to stop masturbating so that I have enough of libido to have sex with real people, but since the only people that like me are not very attractive I can’t really find the motivation to stop.

As I final note I want to say that I’m really desperate at this moment and I really would like to find a woman to have a relationship with, which unfortunately is something that some women are able notice and obviously drives them off. I know this part would be resolved by working on some personal or professional goals but unfortunately I’m really apathetic towards life in general, I don’t like anything and I don’t care about anything, I haven’t given up but I don’t expect to find the answer soon and I would like to not be alone until I do.

So my questions are:
How can build a connection with people I do find attractive?
How can I look past physical attractiveness and have a relationship with a woman I don’t find very good looking but is funny and kind?
How can I stop being so desperate about having a relationship?
How can I stop masturbating if I am not having sex either?

Thanks,
Lustful, Lonely and Lost

[Read more…]

How Do I Tell My Girlfriend I’m Ready To Try Her Kink?

January 29, 2021 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Doctor’s Note: today’s column deals with talk of sexual assault in the context of people pretending to not consent to sexual activities.

What’s up, Doc?

I’m a 25 year old male, and I’m dating a 24 year old woman, we’ve been together about two months so far, and it’s mostly been very positive. We have healthy boundaries, no end of things to talk on, and well-matched sexually, for the most part. That’s why I’m writing.

See, while we’re mostly great for each other sexually, I have one thing that I feel a bit hung up on, and it’s not so much any fantasy of mine, or hers, more that I expressed discomfort with something, and I regret doing so now…

To be specific, she mentioned that she would really like to roleplay dubious consent scenarios, and at first, I thought I couldn’t deal with that, I’m a person with a lot of feelings of guilt, and ultimately, I thought for sure I’d be unable to bring myself to even consensually act out non-consent. She said it was okay, and that she’d not pursue that route with me if it made me uncomfortable.

The thing is, I gave it more thought, and realized that it’s ultimately something that is roleplay, and we can still define clear lines of what is and isn’t acceptable in that scenario with safewords and the like, and with such safeguards in place, I feel better about it. The thing is, I’m a bit hesitant to say that I’m willing to revisit that conversation, because I worry she’ll think I’m trying to make her feel better, and that I’m not really comfortable with it, more putting on a “brave face”, something she said she very much didn’t want me to do.

My question here, is pretty simple: How do I bring it up that I’ve given it more thought, and that I’m willing to try it, without it seeming insincere in that fashion?

-Safe, Sane, and Consensual

[Read more…]

Why Don’t I Enjoy Sex Anymore?

December 14, 2020 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hey Doc,

To start with thanks for all the work you do, the advice you give is always appreciated!

I would love to get your thoughts on something that’s been bothering me for awhile. I was a virgin through most of my 20’s, until I was in a long term relationship with a great woman. To my surprise, I actually ended up not only enjoying sex a lot, but also found out that I was pretty good at it. Throughout our relationship we had frequent, incredible, mutually satisfying sex. That relationship ended, and since then, every time I’ve been intimate with a woman it hasn’t gone well. I can tell they weren’t enjoying themselves as much, and to be honest, I wasn’t either. I don’t know if it’s that I’m dating the wrong people. I’ve found them all attractive and I felt like I had good chemistry and a good relationship with all them prior to getting into bed. Once we’re there, it wasn’t quite the same. It’s been ok for me, but never something that excited me to the level of that long term girlfriend, and I haven’t had an orgasm with any partner since her. I’m guessing my issues are more psychological than physical. I’m willing to say that it could just require more time to get comfortable and figure out what each other likes, but so far no one I’ve dated has been willing to stick around long enough to keep trying. Some of the women I’ve dated have even told me that because I couldn’t orgasm, it felt like I didn’t find them attractive. I will admit, it could just be nerves. I do have an anxiety disorder which can get in the way sometimes.

The thing in the back of my mind though is that prior to that long term relationship I often wondered if there was a chance I was somewhere on the asexual spectrum. I had a few relationships prior to that girlfriend. None of them lasted more than a few months, and were at best ok. I was definitely attracted to women, and curious about sex as part of a romantic relationship, but it wasn’t something I was actively seeking out. When I was with that long term girlfriend though, I craved sex with her pretty much non stop. Everyone I’ve dated for any length of time since then I thought I wanted to have sex with too, but maybe I was just trying to convince myself that’s what I wanted. I don’t think I’m a-romantic. I go on lots of dates, and generally have a good time. I’d say though that I only end up being attracted to someone maybe once a year, and never to the level of heart pounding excitement I had in that long term relationship. Those experiences have made me wonder again if I actually am on the asexual spectrum, and that woman was just an exception. Since that one relationship though, I now know what I’m missing out on, and I really want to have that kind of intimate relationship with someone again. I would appreciate any insight or tips for what I can do going forward.

Thank you!

FOMO(Fear Of Missing Orgasms)

[Read more…]

Help, I’m Jealous of Someone Who Doesn’t Exist

November 2, 2020 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hi Doc,

About a year ago, I met the coolest guy I’ve ever known. We’re both grad students at the same university and we were in some classes together, and we just really hit it off. We share a lot of interests and have a blast when we hang out, often spending entire days together up until the wee hours of the morning. We play video games together, have movie nights, go out hiking, have study dates… you name it. His smile lights up my whole damn day and being friends with him has gotten me through some very tough times. He means the world to me.

I’ll admit I think he’s attractive, and a while back I asked if he wanted to date. He said he wasn’t interested in a romantic relationship, and after a couple of weeks of nursing my hurt feelings, I realized I felt the same way. I love him, but I don’t really want anything sexual either, and I don’t think we’d be a good match in a romantic sense, so I’m thankful he turned me down because actually dating would have been bad for our friendship. Things were a little awkward for a month or so, but we kept hanging out and for a while now we’ve been back to pre-asking out levels of interaction (so, nearly daily hours-long hangouts, texting all the time, cooking each other dinner, etc.). Things are awesome.

My problem is that I live in absolute fear that he’s going to start dating some other woman and forget about me. He hasn’t dated anyone since I’ve known him and seems pretty committed to the whole “I’m not interested in a relationship” thing right now not just with me, but with anybody. But he’s also talked about wanting to get married and have kids one day, so I know it will happen eventually. And it just breaks my heart to know that when he does decide to start dating, our friendship is going to change. At worst, he’ll find a woman who isn’t at all comfortable with him having a female friend that he spends so much time with and he’ll ghost me. At best, he’ll start having to split his time between us, and she’ll get the lion’s share of it (as a girlfriend should). And the thought of losing him, even a little bit of him, just sounds horrific to me.

One of my other friends suggested that I start weaning myself off of all the time I spend with him so that it’s easier later, but part of me just keeps thinking that if I’m going to lose him eventually, shouldn’t I spend as much time as possible with him now to maximize the memories? I mean, best case scenario is that I have maybe three more years with him before we finish grad school and move to separate parts of the country anyway, so I was already feeling like there was a ticking clock with our friendship. I just really don’t want him to cut that already short time down by dating someone.

Anyway, I guess my question is: How do I stop being insanely jealous of a theoretical woman who may not even exist? And if he does start dating, how can I navigate the new relationship so that I don’t lose him but he is still happy with his (theoretical) girlfriend? I know I’m panicking over something that might not even happen, but I feel like I can’t let go of my fear until I have a plan for how I COULD respond.

Thanks, Doc!

The Other Girl-Space-Friend

So I want to preface this by saying that the fear that you feel is real. The issue at hand is that I don’t think it’s a fear based on things that are actually going to happen.

The problem you’re having OGSF is what I call “borrowing trouble from the future”. What you’re doing right now is looking at A future — not THE future, not even a future that may come to pass — and reacting to it as though it’s happening already. Not only has he not met somebody, but he hasn’t even shown any interest in meeting people. And yet you’ve already mapped out several futures where you’re going to get your heart broken and you’re responding to them as though they were real and had already happened.

The thing is: while this can sound like someone vastly overreacting, this is actually an issue that happens to a lot of folks. See, our brains are kind of astounding. We have the capacity to imagine things in ways that are so real, so vivid, that our brains functionally can’t tell the difference between reality and what we’re imagining. Our brains will react to what we imagine as though it were actually real; the things hurting us are imaginary, but the pain is real. When we imagine those worst-case scenarios — or have those 3 AM moments when we ruminate over all the awkward cringey things we may have done, for that matter — we are, for all intents and purposes, are hurting our own feelings.

And to make matters worse, we have an inherent bias towards the negative. Negative thoughts, beliefs and experiences affect us more strongly than positive ones, and we tend to remember them more clearly and vividly than positive ones. This, in turn means that we’re much more likely to dwell on them and play them over and over again in our heads… which just makes the pain worse, reinforcing the negativity and reaffirming the worst case scenario as being “real” even though it hasn’t happened.

Now the reason you’re feeling like this is because you haven’t just made leaps in logic, you’ve pole-vaulted over them. To start with, you’re assuming facts that aren’t in evidence. The fact that he says he wants to get married and have kids one day doesn’t mean his dropping you as a friend is an inevitability. To start with: people say a lot of things about their future — even things that they mean in the moment — that don’t come to pass. I mean, in high-school, I was telling everyone that I was going to be a stand-up comedian and hey, that never happened. He may well never start dating or get married. Dude could well be asexual or aromantic. If he decides to start dating, he may well not be into long-term or serious, committed relationships.

(You’re also assuming that he’s necessarily interested in dating or having long-term relationships with women. While demographics say the odds are that he’s straight instead of gay or pansexual, it’s not an impossibility.)

But more than that, you’re also assuming that your relationship is going to take the back seat to his relationship with his future partner, which, again, is neither guaranteed, nor suggested by the behavior you describe. Friendships don’t end just because somebody starts dating. In fact, it’s more accurate to say that ditching your friends for your partner is more likely to damage your romantic relationship. Having friends and a life outside of your relationship actually makes your romantic relationship stronger. So while the amount of time he has to spend with you may change, that doesn’t mean that your friendship will end. After all, the amount of time he has to spend with you could change for any number of other reasons — work schedules, travel, your finding a romantic partner and so on.

But what about if he starts dating somebody who doesn’t trust you or dislikes that he has a close and emotionally intimate relationship with another woman? Well, that’s more of a her problem than a you problem. But more to the point, you’re back to assuming facts not in evidence. First: you’re assuming that he’s going to date somebody who has a problem with his being friends with you. But you’re also assuming that your friend thinks so little of you and your friendship that he’s going to drop someone he very clearly cares about because his girlfriend had a tantrum. I would assume that he’s not the kind of guy to do that in the first place — you know him better than I do. But you also don’t present any indication that this is even likely outside of your imagination.

Hell, even your “best” scenario is that you both split after you get your degrees and never see each other again.

I think it’s not a bad idea to examine just why you’re so convinced that this friendship is doomed. That sounds a lot like anxiety issues that’re latching onto the nearest available fear — which is the sort of thing that’s worth unpacking with a counselor or therapist. But in the meantime, let’s talk a little about what you can do. But rather than how to hold on to a friendship in some theoretical future — because I don’t think that’s actually going to be an issue — I want to talk about how to get some of those free-floating anxieties under control.

To start with: you need to start practicing some mind control. Not on him, on you. There’re a lot of ways of doing this; in my experience, mindfulness meditation is one of the best ways to start getting some of these anxieties under control. Part of the point of mindfulness meditation is learning how to be bigger than your thoughts; rather than trying to force them away or repress them, instead you “pop” out of them. You recognize that you’re thinking and redirect your mind back to your focus, letting those thoughts simply dwindle and fall away. Similarly, you learn to acknowledge that you’re having those thoughts or feelings without validating them. By acknowledging them, you recognize they’re there… but you’re not accepting them as real or valid. They don’t define you; they’re just momentary thoughts or feelings that will pass. Noting them and naming them reminds you that your thoughts are just thoughts. Your anxieties are just anxieties. By getting that space, you diminish their immediacy and intensity. By doing that, you reduce their power over you.

If you give this a try, I recommend working with an app or a guided meditation program that focuses specifically on calming anxiety or fears. The app Calm, for example, has a number of good guided meditations about handling anxiety, as well as dealing with complicated emotions surrounding relationships.

By that same token, you can also defang them by deliberately changing them. After all, these thoughts are just that: thoughts. They’re something you can control. So rather than letting those nightmare scenarios play out, start to change them. Imagine it playing backwards and upside down. Or turn it black and white and add old-time-y music so it plays like a silent movie instead. Or, when you imagine his future girlfriend trying to tell him he can’t see you, picture her head inflating like a balloon or shrinking like the end of Beetlejuice. The more absurd and outlandish you make these imaginary scenarios, the less power they have to affect you.

However, you don’t want to just focus on the negative. Instead of assuming a worst-case “our friendship is doomed” future, imagine one where you’re still tight. Think of the episodes of How I Met Your Mother that saw everyone as old, grey and wrinkled and still hanging out together. Or a Golden Girls-esque situation. After all, these are as likely as any scenario where you and he are splitsville.

What you shouldn’t do is distance yourself from him “just in case”. I’m sure your friend meant well but that is, honestly, one of the most absurd things I’ve heard in a while. By pulling away from him in order to avoid a painful future — a future that may never happen — you’re all but guaranteeing the end of your friendship. By trying to protect yourself from heartbreak in some theoretical future, all you’re doing is robbing yourself of the joy, friendship and companionship of the present. So not only do you end up getting friend-dumped (again, in this theoretical, not real future), but you don’t even have your friendship until that time. That’s both ridiculous and short-sighted.

Honestly, the best thing you can do — both now and in the future — is continue to be friends and keep on as you’re going on now. While I understand that you want some plan in hopes that it’ll ease your anxieties, the problem is that there’s no plan that’s going to cover all of those potential futures. Worse, trying to plan for an eventuality that only exists in your anxieties is more likely to cement it in your brain. You’re going to be looking for signs that it’s happening, instead of enjoying your friendship. And ironically enough, that can end up being the thing that pushes you apart.

The key to keeping a friendship strong through adversity is… well, being a good friend, being willing to work through adversity together, bond over the things that you enjoy, be vulnerable and supportive with each other. So, y’know. The stuff you’re already doing and have already done when you powered through that awkward patch.

Focus less on trying to stop a future from coming true and more on getting those anxieities under control. That is your issue, not some future friendship break up. Stop borrowing trouble from the Days of Futures Past and just embrace the now.

All will be well.


Dear Dr. NerdLove: 

I’ve been with my girlfriend for 4 years, living together for the last year. In the beginning, we had a lot of sex. It started dwindling around two years in, and six months ago she stopped wanting it altogether.

I asked and she said our sex was amazing, but she just doesn’t need or miss it. I respect her and don’t want to force her to do anything she doesn’t want to, so I just expressed that sex was an important need in a relationship for me and didn’t pressure. However, I got sad and it was visible in my mood. I love her and want us to be happy, but it’s hard. She also says I should focus on all the good things we have (and we do have a good relationship otherwise) and let it go. I want to, but I’m sad, feeling rejected, unwanted, and unsatisfied in this important aspect of the relationship.

But she made me question: is sex a legitimate need?

Feeling Left Out

Short version, FLO is that yes, sex is a legitimate need in a relationship. But I think it’s more accurate to say that sexual compatibility is a legitimate need in a relationship. When we talk about sexual compatibility, we tend to think of it in terms of matching libidos, or the type of sex people want to have. But sexual compatibility goes beyond kink or sexual positions or even who wants it every day and who wants it once a week. It’s also about what sex means to the two of you, how much of a priority it should be as part of your connection and how important it is to you to be sexual in your relationship.  Some people have romantic and intimate relationships where sex simply isn’t part of their connection and that’s valid and legitimate. But that’s also something that they agreed to. One or both of them may be asexual; they may have had a sexual connection at first, but discovered that it’s not as important to them. Or one partner may have lost an interest or desire for sex — or even the ability to have it — but they found ways to make their relationship work that satisfies them both.

That, unfortunately, is not what happened with you and your girlfriend.

The idea that your desire for sex — especially for sex with your partner — is something you should be willing to give up is a great way to cause a break up. It’s worse to try to tell the sexual partner that it shouldn’t be important to them.

If it’s important to you to be sexual with your partner, then hell yes sex is a legitimate need. Sex is a way of expressing emotion, building intimacy, triggers bonding between couples and, of course, it’s fun. It’s completely legitimate and understandable that you want to have that physical and emotional intimacy with your partner. Having her tell you that you’ve got all of these other things in your relationship and that you should just let the sex go is honestly unhelpful at best and hurtful at the worst.  She’s telling you that  this aspect of your relationship — something that you crave, that makes you feel loved and connected to her — isn’t important and you shouldn’t miss it.

And hey, that may well be true for her. But that’s not true for you. And this is where the conflict arises.

While this may not be the message that she intends, what she’s telling you is that it’s wrong of you to want it and that your desire is a problem. But your desire isn’t the problem; the incompatibility is the problem. And that incompatibility is making you feel rejected and unwanted. That’s the sort of thing that destroys relationships.

You and your girlfriend need to have a long Awkward Conversation about your mutual needs and how you can resolve this issue. However, when you have this conversation — or series of conversations — it’s important that you both come to this from a position of trying to understand each other, not “ok so how do we figure out who gets sex or not?” One of the things that’s going to be important to unpack is why she’s no longer interested in sex. Is it a case that she’s lost her libido? Is it that she was bored or unsatisfied and this is why her libido cratered? Has sex always been unimportant to her and she only just go to a point of not wanting to go through the motions any more? Or is it possible — and I hate to say this — that she’s interested in sex… just not sex with you?

Meanwhile, you want to explain what sex means to you — that it’s more than just orgasms, but that the sex ending has left you feeling rejected and unwanted and cut off from your girlfriend. That it’s not about how many times you get to get off, but about the connection and your relationship with her. But you also need to make it clear that sex in and of itself is important to you. The desire for sex doesn’t have to be about emotional intimacy and connection to be valid; it’s perfectly legitimate and valid to want sex because you like fucking. It’s no less real or legit to want sex because you like sex; it doesn’t need to be a transcendent event to be an acceptable desire. If sex — not just with her, sex in general — is important to you, then you should be clear and up front about that when you have these conversations.

And then the two of you need to decide how you’re going to move forward.

There’re a number of ways the two of you can go. If her loss of interest in sex bothers her, then she may want to see a doctor and see if there’s a medical cause. There are a number of issues that can crater your libido, ranging from hormone levels to stress to medication. A doctor can help zero in on whether there’s a medical or chemical cause for her libido going away.

If it’s a case that she was bored or unsatisfied with sex, then the two of you could visit a sex-positive relationship counselor and work on finding ways of communicating your needs and making your sexual connection work for the both of you. I would suggest visiting the referral directory at the Association of Sexual Educators, Counselors and Therapists to find a counselor in your area.

There’s also the obvious option opening the relationship. You could see about discussing the possibility of finding sexual partners besides your girlfriend. As I said: there are people in companionate relationships, where their connection isn’t sexual, but they have other things that bring them together. However, that may well not be the kind of relationship you want, especially not long-term.

But much of this is going to come down to your girlfriend too. There’re people who will decide that they’re done with sex and therefore so is their partner. They may not be sexual any more, but they still insist on monogamy. Or she may see your finding sex with someone else to be a threat to your relationship with her and either refuse to open things up or set up conditions so stringent that they may as well be impossible. Or it could be that not having sex as part of your relationship with her is the issue and you won’t be satisfied with getting your needs met elsewhere.

In those cases… the kindest thing for the both of you is to end the relationship. That doesn’t mean that she’s the villain for not wanting sex, and more than you are for not being able to stop wanting it. It just means that your relationship together no longer suits your needs. The people you are now are different from the people you were when you started and those new people simply aren’t compatible. That’s not a failure on anyone’s part or an indication that your relationship wasn’t strong enough. The two of you may simply have come to the end of your story together, and it’s time for you both to move to the next chapters in your respective lives.

But you can’t know that until you talk things out together, and make sure that you both understand each other first.

It’s a shitty place to be stuck in, and you have my sympathies, FLO. I hope you can find a solution that works for you.

Good luck.

 

 

 

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About Dr. NerdLove:

Harris O'Malley (AKA Dr. NerdLove) is an internationally recognized blogger and dating coach who gives dating advice to geeks of all stripes. Making nerds sexier since 20011

Remember: Dr. NerdLove is not really a doctor. [Read More …]

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private coaching is available at doctornerdlove.com/private-coaching

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My new dating guide, New Game + is available at Amazon.com , iTunes and everywhere books are sold.

Recent Comments

  • Will S. Oh my Transient Friend, I've been there, twice in a row with workmates - it was like reading a part of my own life story! My best advice would be just stop messaging her and move on immedialtey. If...

    I Was A Nice Guy And It Backfired. How Do I Win My Friend Back? ·  June 26, 2022

  • Belinda I had a f**k buddy situation in college for six months and I was completely infatuated with the guy. I wanted some much more for him, which he was well aware of. He did ask me to hang out, which I did...

    My Boyfriend’s Kink Turns Me Off. What Do I Do? ·  June 26, 2022

  • fuzzilla On the one hand, it might have kept me stuck and not fully open to dating someone else (and I did date other people, but maybe I wasn’t as “all in” as I could have been). On the other hand, it...

    My Boyfriend’s Kink Turns Me Off. What Do I Do? ·  June 26, 2022

  • Belinda It was an eye-opening experience. One I kind of wish I didn't have. I mean, a good number of these guys were my buddies. They were flirtatious with me and I of course assumed there were other women...

    I Was A Nice Guy And It Backfired. How Do I Win My Friend Back? ·  June 26, 2022

  • Belinda "To wait for the guy to volunteer more before giving him the world." Or don't treat him like your boyfriend unless he's your boyfriend. Idk. I am not a fan of FWBs. Hooking up a couple of times, fine....

    My Boyfriend’s Kink Turns Me Off. What Do I Do? ·  June 26, 2022

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