Hey Doc. I’ve been reading your articles a lot lately and they are so reasonable that I thought to myself that maybe you could put some reason in my head as well.
You see, to be really short, I met a perfect girl about a year and a half ago, or so I thought. She told be about her male friend from Spain whom she met while she was on her student exchange. We started dating in December 2015, I told her I loved her in April 2016. In March she went to see this Spanish friend. She said that they arranged this visit before she met me. I didn’t protest, I didn’t want to limit her, I wanted to be perfect for her. In May she went with him for two weeks to New York. Same justification – “we arranged it before I met you”. Spoiler – she was lying. In June she told me that she loved me back and she has never met with him ever since. And I can tell you it was true, her feeling. Maybe I’m naive but she did love me, I’m quite sure.
Fast forward to September 2016 – I got an e-mail from somebody. Turns out the spanish friend was her “fuck friend”. The e-mail contained all their conversations on facebook and all their e-mails. Moreover, in this e-mail there was a spreadsheet which documented all their trips and all the times they had sex. They were awarding themselves points for each intercourse, each blowjob etc. and also some bonus points for other things like sex in the shower or sexy lingerie. Of course, the March and May trips were also there.
I broke up in October 2016. She was so sorry. And she lured me back. I came back. She became perfect. She threw out (but only then) all the postcards she received from him, all the lingerie sets he bought for her. She was literally a dream girlfriend. But I didn’t forgive and didn’t forget. I couldn’t. But I still loved her and I still do. And I tried really hard to find a way in which it would work, but I didn’t. After a couple of months of hesitating and fighting with my love and my hatred for her, I gave up, I walked away two weeks ago.
Now, please remember that it’s a really, really short story, but to sum it up: she lied in my face about her relationship with him. She went twice to see him and have sex with him, even a few days after I told her I loved her. She continued to talk to him on facebook after she told me she loved me. And they had this “spreadsheet” game of awarding themselves points for fucking.
And after I walked away, I read your article about what you can do with cheating. How you can survive it but you have to forgive. How it’s possible to maintain a relationship after betrayal, even though it’s gonna be a completely different relationship. And you also wrote that the acts of cheating are not equal.
My question is: was this the kind of an “unforgivable” cheat? Was this the right decision to leave her? I know that it’s something that I have to determine eventually, but I wanted your say on this as an expert. I still love her and frankly, if there was a way to make this work, I would. I would like to forgive her, but even if I could – would this be a wise decision considering the above details? If you’re willing to forgive something like that, should you then always take the road of forgiveness? Or perhaps forgiveness and staying with her would be a wrong decision, no matter what.
Right now we’re at the stage where she wrote to me how much she misses me and how much she is not able to live right now. I also replied a couple of times about how hard it is for me. And a few days later, her tone changed – she was very unemotional, saying that she thought things over and that because of her “emotional destruction” after I left, she lost a lot of time at work and she can’t afford it anymore. And that we can meet and talk but it’s either we try or we stop all contact with each other. And I got mad – I wanted to know that she still suffers like I do, that she cares. That she actually has no right to dictate such terms, because she destroyed the relationship. And I panicked because I realised that it would probably mean no contact. Suddenly “the ball” was in her court and it freaked me out.
You should know that I feel guilty because of this breakup. I have a feeling that there was a way to stay with her, but I couldn’t find it. Your article made me think that maybe, if I want to stay with her, I should try to forgive her, no matter what she did. Also, you wrote about the difference between what you want to do and what you’re supposed to want. It’s true – all my friends tell me to dump her, go nuclear and break all possible contacts with her. I, on the other side, still love her despite what she did and would love to get back with her and forgive her. But despite the fact whether I could forgive her or not, would this be a wise decision considering what she did?
In other words – I am seeking confirmation that it was a right decision to leave her. Even a simple Yes or No would do.
Not A Special One