sexual tension Archives - Paging Dr. NerdLove

Ask Dr. NerdLove: Did Sharing My Fantasies Kill Our Sex Life?

January 12, 2018 by Dr. NerdLove 130 Comments

Hey Doc,

I’m a 32 year old man and my fiancé is a 30 year old woman. She has an 11 year old daughter from a previous relationship. We have been together for 5 years (on and off) but are really happy in every part of our relationship except our sex life.

We broke up for about 6 months about a year and a half ago and we both saw other people in that time. We both realised that we really wanted to be with each other and got back together.

I think the time apart changed us for the better and the worse. We both knew that we didn’t want to be in a relationship with anyone else but we came back kind of determined to live our lives how we wanted as we’d seen another side.

I really find her very attractive but after the first few months of being back together and having that honeymoon period again, we went through a rough sexual patch. I was hiding my true sexual needs from her and I was getting frustrated at the vanilla sex. I eventually opened up to her and funnily enough she opened up to me too. We both had similar fantasies so I presumed that we would then go on to act them out together.

The fantasies are; stag and vixen (Hotwife), threesome MMF, foursome MMFM, “cheating” etc etc. You get the idea. I was pleased!!!!

We spoke about it and I got excited. Then it turned out she didn’t want to make it a reality, she didn’t even want to compromise by pretending. She won’t role play, talk dirty, even pretend by text message that she’s into it… just to give me something. She will happily think about it to herself, watch porn about it to herself…. but any involvement with me is being “fake” or setting it up. She wants spontaneity, but not in that way. For instance, if I started talking about while we have sex she’ll get angry and tell me it’s a turn off.

I feel like I’d meet her kinky needs but she won’t try to meet mine, although she actually secretly likes what I’m into.

She wants to have sex to cum. That’s it. Not to have fun. Not to grow closer. She wants me to be “a man” and get on with it. Get hard, fuck her, cum, then go to sleep. There’s no room for play. Experimentation.

Don’t forget we are engaged and I very much love this woman. I just don’t want have to have “boring” sex that doesn’t turn me on, when I feel like we could be having so much more fun.

We’ve gone down to sex a couple of times a month because I just can’t get excited about it. I lose my erection because to be honest it’s just so predictable that I switch off.

I read your article on sexual compatibility and it says you should compromise, but she’s not willing to do it. She said if I want that in my sex life then I should find someone else because she’s not like that. Which means I just put up with it…. but then I’m made to feel like I’m not into sex because I don’t get aroused just because she’s naked. She thinks that’s enough. I should be gagging to bang her.

What do I do? Is it me? Is it her? Is it both of us?? It’s very confusing because this is my entire life. I don’t want to throw away my relationship because of miscommunication or misunderstanding, or even social pressure to be normal!!

Thank you in advance.

Frustrated Fantasist

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Leveling Up: How To Touch Her

April 4, 2014 by Dr. NerdLove 162 Comments

I want to talk about one of the most common sticking points guys share when it comes to building attraction. I see this time after time in men who’ve not had much success with women. It gets especially frustrating when they’ve been doing the work and building the new sexy persona they’ve always wished they could be. They’ve developed their sense of style and they’re starting to get their banter down pat but whenever they go out, there’s always something missing. There’s something they’re lacking that keeps them from turning a pleasant conversation at the bar into a date. There’s something they’re doing wrong, some quality they lack that makes one person sexy and desirable and the other remain strictly platonic.

And to a man, it almost always boils down to the exact same issue: they’re afraid to break the touch barrier.

AKA: "hover hands" — For example: a chronic case of “hover hands”

It’s entirely understandable: they don’t want to be creepy by accident and every woman out there has a story about the handsy guy who set their skin to crawling. But at the same time, being willing to touch the person you’re flirting with is vitally important. Touch is what makes the difference between a platonic friend and a potential lover. But you have to know how to do it right.

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On Women and Casual Sex Part 2: Flings, One Night Stands, and Same Night Lays

November 19, 2012 by Dr. NerdLove 268 Comments

So last time we talked about one of the eternal questions: why aren’t women more receptive to casual sex? The common answer is that women approach sex differently than men do – whether it’s treating sex as a way of getting a relationship, leveraging their “superior” social status in order to screen out less-desirable males or just guarding their finite, precious eggs for someone with superior genes rather than the usual pigs that approach her.

...'cuz "birds" is British slang for women and the pigs are stealing their eggs and... oh forget it. — And just like that, Angry Birds takes on an entirely new level of meaning.

As it turns out though, according to sociological studies the answer is “well… it’s complicated”.

A whole host of issues influence how receptive individual women are to casual sex: societal messages regarding female sexuality and gender roles, potential physical safety and – perhaps most importantly – whether or not the man in question is going to be worth getting in the sack. After all, a number of women – nearly half – report having negative feelings the morning after a one-night stand; they said they felt “used” or worried for their reputation. In other words: the morning after wasn’t worth the night before.

And yet women do want sexual pleasure without pesky relationship strings, just as men do.

In an ideal world, this would not be as much of an issue; women would be lauded and encouraged to take ownership of their sexuality just as men are, comprehensive sex education would begin early, contraception would be cheap and plentiful and rape culture would not exist. In such an environment, men and women both would be free to explore and express their sexuality without fear of shame or judgement.

Unfortunately, that’s not the world we live in, and so we must adapt.

For men who are interested in more casual sex, whether it’s a short term fling or taking someone home the same night you meet her, you need to know just how to be worth it – to be someone women feel safe with, that they feel attracted towards, who know how to please a woman in bed and how to stick the landing the morning after so that it’s not a night of regrets for one or both of you.

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How To Banter (Without Being an Asshole)

August 17, 2012 by Dr. NerdLove 38 Comments

Is there anything quite as sexy as someone with wit and a way with words?

There’s a reason why a sense of humor is almost always at the top of everybody’s list of most attractive attributes; being able to make someone laugh makes them feel good. Humor builds rapport, and finding things that we both find funny is way of finding commonality. Humor helps us have fun, and we appreciate people who have the ability to bring the fun. Of course, if you just roll up on someone and start delivering Patton Oswalt’s routine about KFC turning fried chicken and mashed potatoes into a $4.99 bowl of gravy-drenched bowel liquifying shame, you’re not going to be getting anybody’s number. At best, you’re going to have people wondering why this strange person is performing guerrilla stand-up comedy at the bar.

The key to the effective use of humor when it comes to flirting is wit. It’s about playful teasing and a back-and-forth. It’s about knowing how to banter.

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What Is Chemistry? Part One: Building Sexual Tension

July 20, 2012 by Dr. NerdLove 64 Comments

Ask anyone “What are some of the most important parts of a date?” and one of the most common answers you will get is “Chemistry”.

Of course, when you ask them to describe chemistry, you’ll hear a mix of inconclusive – and fairly unhelpful – answers: “It’s… you know. That spark.” “That intensity.” “That feeling…” “That moment when it clicks.”

You might as well ask nerds to try to explain the Force – it’s about as abstract and just as helpful.

Fun fact: nerds frequently get into NLP in order to to "Force Persuade" people into dating them — “You want to give me a handy…”

The problem is that because we have such a hard time explaining chemistry it takes on the level of myth – chemistry is just there or it isn’t.

Which – brace yourselves, I’m about to blow your minds – is bullshit. Chemistry is a mix of sexual tension and emotional and intellectual engagement, and it can be built, if you know how.

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