sexuality Archives - Paging Dr. NerdLove

Episode #133 — What Do Women Find Sexy In Men?

February 12, 2020 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Do you know what women find sexy in a man? Not attractive, not aesthetically pleasing but what makes a woman want to peel a man’s clothing off with her teeth.

A lot of guys… don’t.

In fact, a lot of guys have the absolute WRONG ideas about what turns women on. If you want to be sexier than other guys, then you should know what draws a woman to a guy… and why she says YES to sleeping with one guy and no to the rest.

SHOW HIGHLIGHTS:

What men DON’T understand about desire and arousal in women
Why physical looks aren’t the same thing as being sexy
What your presentation says about your desirability
Why women don’t actually LIKE “alpha males”
What all the great seducers have in common

…and so much more.

RELATED LINKS:

How To Be Sexier

Why Women Say Yes To Sex

The Science of Nice Guys

The Truth About Casual Sex (And How To Get It)

The Secret to Getting Laid (Without Losing Your Soul)

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Help, He’s Afraid Of Flirting

February 3, 2020 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Dr. NerdLove,

This will probably needs some context. First, I’m polyamorous; I’m married, have a long-term girlfriend, and still occasionally go out with new people. Everyone knows and consents, it’s all ethically done, and it’s going great.

The second important part is that I was raised in the evangelical tradition of purity culture; more specifically the relatively egalitarian I Kissed Dating Goodbye tradition, where both men and women are pressured to avoid any proximity to anything even vaguely sexual. Obviously I don’t cling to that still — I’m a progressive feminist who’s dealing with more anger at my faith and upbringing than fondness at the moment — but I clung to it long enough that my first sexual encounter was on my wedding night, in my mid-20s. Polyamory was something my wife and I transitioned into after a few years of marriage and a looooot of research and soul-searching.

That setup might have been rife for things to go wrong; basically learning how to date as an introverted married man in my late 20s with little sexual experience beyond a single partner sure was awkward at times, and in general it can be difficult to meet people who are cool with the whole non-monogamy thing. Half my matches ghost when I bring it up, even though I state it clearly in my profile. But aside from some awkwardness and difficulty finding people, it’s actually been a super positive experience and not much has gone wrong. It’s been really amazing being able to have casual sex and connect with people without the pressure of purity theology haunting my every move.

My problem is that I’m deathly afraid of coming on too strong. I’m sure my relative lack of experience is part of it, but I also spent the first decade since my adolescence believing that anyone who pursued sex was inherently a sinful scumbag, then transitioned to a more progressive outlook that’s painfully aware of how many shitty, horny men women have to put up with on a regular basis. I no longer believe the former, but I suspect the conditioning is still in there somewhere, and mixed with a fear of accidentally coming across like a pick-up-artist asshole or something, I basically just never do… anything.

It took my girlfriend and I months to have sex, even though we both wanted to, because I was so slow-moving and cautious that apparently gave the impression that maybe my non-monogamy wasn’t a sexual thing. Most of my conversations on dating apps fizzle out after a while of conversation that focuses on getting to know the other person, and sometimes I wonder if it might have led to something if I’d been more openly flirtatious. But I’m so concerned with my partner’s comfort level that I never make any sexual interest known.

Part of this is a personality thing, I know; I’m a generally very considerate, open, and vulnerable person, and not all that good at stepping outside my natural modes of behavior. Acting cool or confident has never been my strong suit, and the less said about my attempts to dom for my submissive partners, the better. I’m naturally concerned with the comfort of whoever I’m with, and don’t want to injure that by accident or design.

But I think some part of me still assumes that sexual advances are unwanted unless it’s been made explicitly clear to the contrary, which means I never make the first move and lots of connections just never go there. I know that women enjoy sex too, and it’s possible to express my sexual interest without being creepy about it, but I don’t feel confident I know how, and my anxiety about accidentally coming across wrong keeps me from making any advances.

I’d love to hear your perspective.

Sincerely,
A Purity Culture Survivor

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Ask Dr. NerdLove: How Do I Stop Letting Virginity Define Me?

August 30, 2019 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hey doc,

I’m 23 years old, a guy, and I still haven’t lost my virginity yet, and while I’ve seen some of your stuff on that matter, I still feel like time is “running out” for me, and I’m worried about how others see me, and moreover how I see myself for it.

In summary, I haven’t lost my virginity partially because I’m not a big partier and haven’t sought out hooking up in the past, and also because I turned down two other opportunities.

First, an acquaintance offered to be FWB when I was 20. I had no reservations there, but at the time I was on the verge of a relationship with someone else. That relationship ended fairly quickly, as my ex figured out she was aromantic soon after. I lost touch with the acquaintance for about a year.

About two years later, I had found a girlfriend again. Not long after we started seeing each other, she threw herself at me while she was drunk. I felt that I couldn’t in good conscience have sex with her when she was that drunk, and so I said that we should wait until she was more sober. The next time we talked, she admitted that she may have gotten an STD from a previous partner, and she needed to be tested before we did the deed. She tested negative, but through a cartoonish series of bad luck, things ended before we could.

I usually hear that she wouldn’t be worth my time anyway if she’d reject me for being a virgin, but considering that people like Elliot Roger and Alek Minnassian exist, I have to wonder how much being rejected for being a virgin would be a matter of a woman thinking I was dangerous or a bad person because of it.

The irony I see in this is that I remained a virgin because I felt I needed to do the right thing in those scenarios, and in a weird way, I feel like it has doomed me, even if I know that plenty of people stay virgins beyond my age and lose it then. I guess a big part of it for me is knowing that there are a lot of people who can’t find a willing person, and living in fear that I’ll be mistaken for or worse somehow am one of them.

I guess what I’m asking for here is advice on how to approach it with others, if getting it “out of the way” is a good idea, and if explaining it (in an otherwise contextually appropriate situation with future partners) is a good or bad idea with regard to all of this. Thank you.

-Volcanic Sacrifice

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Ask Dr. NerdLove: How Do I Tell People I’m A Virgin?

April 29, 2019 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hi Doc!

I’m a junior in college who is very busy all the time with school and activities. I am a nursing major, so I am constantly spending time in the library studying for hours on end. I’m a very social person and enjoy being with others, but one thing I’m lacking – I’ve never been in a relationship and I’m a virgin.

I know that it is something I should not be ashamed of, but in our culture, it brings my confidence down a lot. It’s not that I am not interested in a relationship, but I have just never had an opportunity for one, so I feel like I am behind and don’t know how to talk to guys.

Not many people know that I am a virgin, as I just try to avoid the topic and have even sometimes just went along with the fact that I’ve had sex, even though I haven’t.

How can I become more confident with myself and how would I go about talking to a guy about my lack of experience?

I could really use your advice, as I’ve been struggling with this for a few years. THANK YOU!!!

First Timer

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Ask Dr. NerdLove: Are We More Than Just Friends?

April 1, 2019 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Dear Dr. NerdLove:

I have a friend that I’ve known since college and we’ve kept in contact well after I graduated. However, due to our own responsibilities, we had times when we wouldn’t contact each other for months at a time. But when we did reconnect, it was almost like that hiatus never happened. I consider this person a close friend who loves the same nerdy things even more than I do.

Recently (I’d say over the course of a year and a half), we’ve been talking more frequently. In October of last year, he invited me to spend the day with him at NYCC (New York Comic Con). Had a dope- ass time with him. I actually hung out with him at his place for about 4 hours last week and I had a great time. He said he enjoyed having me over as well. We didn’t do anything except game and chat (we are both fairly introverted). During one of our conversations, he told me that as long as I let him know when, I can show up at his place pretty much whenever. He even mentioned that I could also spend the night if I wanted, something that no male has ever offered to me. I’m someone with no dating experience, so I’m not sure what would be the proper way of thinking about his offer.

He has since invited me out to other events and for me to come over to his place again. And honestly, he’s an awesome dude to be around, and I even developed a bit (that’s putting it mildly) of a crush on him. I’m keeping all of my expectations low, in case it turns out that he just likes hanging out with me.

That being said, deep down, I believe that he is developing feelings for me. I’ve hung out with him multiple times at his house. We’ve moved on from just gaming to watching movies together. During the movie, I even sometimes catch him staring at my face, and when we have conversations, he positions himself facing me and maintains eye contact. It actually sometimes get awkward. My recent visit had him complimenting my hair, which I totally wasn’t expecting. He opens up to me a lot as well. And when it’s time for me to leave, he seems reluctant to let me go.

So, yeah, I’m here asking for advice; how would you interpret this behavior? Please help a poor, inexperienced soul out.

Thanks in advance.

Reading The Tea Leaves

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