sexuality Archives

Did I Get Dumped Because of My Kink?

March 18, 2022 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Dear Doc, I need your help with something. I don’t know if I screwed up or not.

I (24/m/cis) am (or I guess was) dating my girlfriend (23/f/cis) for about six months. Up until two weeks ago, this was the best relationship of my life. We were deep in that whole “honeymoon period” thing you talk about and it seemed like we were just perfect for each other in every way possible. The pando surge meant we had a couple months where we couldn’t see each other but we tried to keep things going over Skype and Facetime. Naturally, this meant we were doing a lot of sexting and stuff and talking about fantasies and stuff. We’re making plans to get together for when things got better and we felt safe seeing each other again and part of that was making plans to… well, get freaky.

Like, actually freaky. My girlfriend was dropping hints about how kinky she was and how much she wanted to try some stuff she’d been reading about and all. Me, I’m decidedly kinky so I’m all in, I’m ready to go, I wanna try. She won’t tell me over Skype tho, she wants to wait until we’re together to tell me what it is. ok sure whatever I’m cool with this.

Well, we get together and she tells me that she’s really into spanking. Like it’s a big deep dark secret and stuff. She wants me to spank her, maybe pull her hair, push her around… I guess she read 50 shades or something I dunno it’s not high on the kink scale to me but I’m down because reasons I’ll get to.

So we’ve got a room, we’re all over each other, it’s great, we get complaints about the noise. And then it all goes bad on me.

After we’re done and we’re laying there and I’m trying to do the whole cool-down/comfort/aftercare thing and she asks me about my kinks.

Doc, I’m kinky too, but I’m a punk looking guy who’s really a service sub and I like things like femdom, forced femme/sissification, forced cross-dressing, and just generally being bossed around and I guess that surprises peoplef. I think I might have a thing for feet too because I get turned on giving foot massages but that may be the service sub thing too I dunno. So like an idiot, I tell her and she blows UP at me. When we were first getting together I was doing things like giving her foot rubs or scalp massages and washing her hair and these are all things I LOVE doing especially when folks demand it from me. But I guess the fact that it turned me on WHILE I do it is bad or something? I don’t really know what the hell happened, all I know is that she’s yelling at me about my dragging her into my kink when I was rubbing her feet and that wasn’t consensual or something. I’m trying to figure out what the big deal is, but every time I either try to explain or ask what she’s talking about she just gets madder and starts going on about how I’m probably not even straight or I think I’m a girl and stealing underwear and she can’t believe this and just leaves.

She’s blocked me on everything so I can’t even apologize but I don’t even know what i’m supposed to apologize for, I guess really enjoying giving other people foot massages when asked or something? I didn’t expect any of that and the way she went off about my being gay and stuff REALLY confused me because what the hell is THAT about?

Anyway Doc i guess I’ll ask what I didn’t want to ask Reddit: am I the asshole here? Did I get dumped because of my kink?

Help?

Sid Vicious In A Dress

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How Do I Relearn How To Date?

March 4, 2022 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hey Doc,
So I’m 31, nonbinary, and somewhere between demisexual and non-sex-repulsed ace on the asexuality spectrum. I was in a long-term relationship off and on (mostly on) from 2009-2018, before we finally admitted to each other that our life trajectories were heading in diverging directions and our incompatibilities (primarily that we’re two very different flavors of neurodivergent, as well as the fact that they’re pansexual with a high libido and I’m asexual with a low libido) were too much to overcome as partners. I’ve been on three first dates in my life, and the other two weren’t terrible but there was no chemistry.

So while I took time to be single and re-evaluate, especially during 2020, now I have no idea how to date folks, since I haven’t first-dated since me and the ex had a break in 2014. The previous relationship has made me want to take sex off the table entirely rather than be unfair to a potential allosexual partner, which limits my dating pool to aces, but like you’ve mentioned in other posts, there’s far more allos out there than aces and I’m very physically affectionate and panromantic otherwise.

Add the whole trans layer and I’m really not sure how to even approach people. Pandemic makes warm approaches difficult (though I did have a crush on an online friend for a bit, before they mentioned offhand they weren’t up to dating anyone for the foreseeable future), and cold approaches are as uncomfortable to me as they likely would be to pretty much anyone I’d be attracted to.

Advice?
Patchwork Dating Experience

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Can You Ever Be Friends With An Ex?

January 10, 2022 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Dr. Nerdlove,

I need your full, honest opinion if I should continue to remain just friends with this guy (Let’s call him “A”). Let me give you a backstory (I apologize in advance for the length):

“A” and I met through mutual friends when we were teenagers and were instantly drawn to one another emotionally and physically. We were able to talk about anything for hours and had a lot of common interests. We were able to be there for each other when things were bad, good, and everything in between. But there was also the sexual attraction that couldn’t be avoided. We went out a few times that always ended up with us making out at some point, but nothing more. We were never “honey, sweetie, baby, I love you” to each other.

Fast forward to a few years—“A” had previously moved away and seemed to have fallen off the face of the earth. His phone number was no longer the same so I had no way of contacting him. However, thanks to social media and mutual friends I was able to re-connect with him again when we were just about 20. It was like nothing ever changed. We were still able to make each other laugh and hang out with friends and watch movies like no time had passed. “A” had an on-again-off-again girlfriend and I had just gotten out of a terrible relationship from high school. We were able to talk each other through the weirdness of it all. However, this time when things got a little heated between us, it went all the way, but once and only once (we were both single at the time of the hook up, of course).

I think –without saying it out loud to each other—“A” and I knew our wants and needs in life were totally different and our paths were not the same. We kind of mutually knew that a true romantic relationship wasn’t in the cards for us because we knew deep down it would never work out long-term. We had continued to hang out a little after that and never really talked about our hook up after it happened. It wasn’t bad or awkward, but I just don’t know if it was truly meant to happen.

“A” had confessed to me one night that his ex-girlfriend recently admitted to him that she was a few months pregnant with his child. He was beside himself at how his future was going to look and I got uncomfortable. Kids were never something I wanted for my future and even if I stuck around, I’d know he’d always be tied to this unruly ex-girlfriend that he always complained about. I’m ashamed to say it, but I kind of politely ghosted him after that. I had texted him one day telling him I wasn’t sure if we should see each other or talk as much anymore, especially because he was so torn about what he should do moving forward with this girlfriend (he wanted to be a good father and try to make amends with the girlfriend and I didn’t want to get in the way of that). He was sad, but understood and we kind of just ended it there. I would find him online years down the road (I didn’t friend request him or anything) and saw he remained in his relationship with his girlfriend, and they welcomed a second baby since our “split”. It seemed to be going well for him and I was happy.

I am now in my 30s and have been in an amazing, loving, and supportive 10+ year relationship with the most wonderful man I have ever met. We’ve been through everything together, have no issues, and we know that we’re both in it with each other for the long run! But recently, “A” found me on Instagram and messaged me that he was thinking about me and he hopes I’m well. I politely messaged him back and said the same. He admitted his same previous girlfriend had left him after 11 years after admitting to cheating on him for quite some time. He was heartbroken, but I picked him up and brushed him off and talked him through it. He clearly sees through my photos I am serious with my boyfriend. I told him how stable and happy I am and “A” tells me he’s happy that I’m happy.

“A” and I got to messaging each other about our past and he mentioned how weird it was that things just never lined up for us. I agreed but admitted to him that I truly think we were never meant to be a couple, but just friends. He agreed to this…. and now… what?

Is it possible for two people who have had such an intimate relationship in the past be friends today? I understand that our situation was clearly a “friends with benefits” circumstance, but it’s really hard for me to see this person and not think: “We’ve had sex”. I also know that my current boyfriend has no issues with me being friends with other guys, but this particular situation is for some reason not sitting well with me. Is it possible to get over this? Is my gut telling me this cannot happen? I know if I had to end this friendship with “A”, he would understand, he’s never been cruel or a jerk, but I would feel like an A-hole again for being the one to cut ties.

Give it to me straight—am I overthinking this and risking losing a potential friend? Or am I being stupid for considering a previous fling could ever be just a friend?

Sincerely,
Damn Confused

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Help, My Wife Wants to Sleep With Someone Else

December 13, 2021 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hi Dr. NerdLove,

I’m certain that you receive thousands of letters, but I am genuinely struggling and confused.

My wife of 10 years (we’ve been together for 20 years total and have two kids together) has shared that she is into the idea of having sex with other people. Specifically, she is into the “Stag & Vixen (Hotwife)” lifestyle, where she has sex with other men (and possibly women) but wants to remain committed to our relationship and family. She says that she has a need to pursue pleasure and needs to be slutty because we got together when she was fairly young, only 22 years old, and she feels like she never got to fully explore her sexuality. I am trying my best to understand where all of this is coming from (some of which was triggered by my past addiction to pornography and subsequent lack of sexual energy and desire for her – I have committed myself to the NoFap lifestyle and it made a big difference in my desire for her but the historical hurt remains). I am trying to be “cool” with it because I love her and I want her to be happy and feel sexually fulfilled. I am also trying to be understanding because our sex life has been reinvigorated since we have been communicating more openly and honestly about our fantasies and desires and I want that to continue. I want to remain deeply committed to her, the mother of my children, and to please her sexually (which I mostly do, she told me so).

When the two of us are having sex and she tells me about the fantasy of fucking other people and flirting and sexting, etc., I find it fairly hot and exciting. When, on the other hand, she tells me about flirting with the electrician and some subsequent dirty talk via text, I completely lose my mind; I feel anxious and hurt and confused and have irrational thoughts like, “she doesn’t love me” (which I know is not true) and that “I am worthless” (which I know isn’t true) and “I should kill myself” (which I won’t do, but that is an indication of how incredibly horrible I feel). I also feel mad at her and while having an unrelated argument I have said something like, “If your hobby is fucking other people, then I can have a hobby too!”. Immediately, I regret it and feel ashamed because I don’t want her openness about her innermost desires to be used against her. Did I mention that I REALLY love this woman and I’m committed to doing the hard work to stay together?

My friend told me that “I don’t have to force myself to feel OK with something that I’m not OK with.” He points to the fact that my internal reaction speaks very loudly that I don’t seem OK with this. When I tell my wife how I feel, she takes me in her arms, kisses me deeply and assures me that she loves me, wipes my tears, then fucks my brains out. At this point our mutual agreement is that we can flirt and dirty talk with other people but what if I can’t handle this? And what if she wants to, but I don’t feel motivated or interested in pursuing other people for dirty talk and flirting?

Can I learn to control my jealousy and calm my mind, reassuring myself that this is just a kinky game that she needs to play or am I doomed to feeling the fucked up way that I feel? Is it OK that I am interested in the fantasy, but not the reality, of my wife having sex with other people? My wife told me in one of our first discussions, “Hurt feelings are not sexy. I am not doing this to hurt your feelings.” But I feel so hurt and confused. What if it’s a deal breaker for me? I am scared of losing her if I tell her that I am NOT cool with her having sex (or maybe even dirty talk) with other people. Am I “cock blocking” her sexual desire and need for fulfillment if I say that it’s a deal breaker for me?

Reluctant & Struggling Stag

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What If He’s NOT Man Enough?

September 27, 2021 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hi Dr. NerdLove,

I was inspired to write this based on the headline of your recent article and how you’ve talked about archetypes in previous columns. Do you have any advice for or places to look for men who don’t really identify under the banner of masculinity in general? I know you’ve pushed the idea of there’re being tons and tons of different personal models of masculinity, but what about the people who fall out of even that?

While adopting feminine aesthetics has gotten more acceptance over the past few years, I don’t know if I’ve seen the same encouragement for guys who are – socially – feminine or androgynous. (Most aesthetically feminine guys I know are still fairly masculine personality-wise.) It’s usually either met with insults or an assumption that our lack of masculinity corresponds with some lack of confidence. I feel you can see this in a lot of media, in which a less masculine character might end their character arc with a boost in confidence and act more aggressive. What’s more, I do get the impression that your blog does tend to assume some degree of social masculinity. Not knocking you, but I do wonder if that changes the needed advice.

For background’s sake, despite identifying as a guy and having an outwardly masculine body, my personality and usual social role is regarded by myself and others as pretty feminine. My good friends often tell me I’m pretty feminine and “think like a woman” in a non-derogatory way and compare me a lot to the female characters in the shows we watch. (Think Nia from Gurren Lagann, Kumiko from Hibike Euphonium, Aerith from FF7, and in a rare male instance Kamui Uehara from the recent No More Heroes 3 and TSA) I’m well known in town for being ‘sweet’, people say I bring a calming atmosphere to the room, and my friends value me for being the guy that’ll always listen to their problems. These are all parts of me I like about myself and it feels pretty often that the dating advice people give ask me to abandon these aspects.

The whole “safe-dangerous” dichotomy is one that I feel gross about in particular, partially as someone who’s experienced sexual assault in the past. I really hate advice that says to make yourself “a little dangerous” as well as the contrasting notion that it’s my job in a relationship to “protect” the woman. Don’t get me wrong, I’d like to be able to say that in a crisis I’d do my best to help others and put them before myself, but something about me being seen in the image of a masculine “protector” makes my skin crawl. It feels like one of those areas where more progressive space will still trend towards gender essentialism.

(It’s probably good to mention I grew up and am getting my degree in a mid-sized town in a very red, very southern state. This probably has influenced the model of masculinity I’ve internalized. I have no plans at all to stay once I graduate.)

Now onto the actual ‘dating’ aspect. Despite getting myself to a point where I feel okay with asking girls out, I have yet to go on an actual date — much less form a romantic relationship. For some reason or another the answer is always a ‘no.’ Most of my friends, male and female, think I’d be a great boyfriend to whoever’d be into me and I’ve even had lady-friends offer to try and set me up on a date — all of which the attempts never succeed. While I’m grateful for the female friends I’ve had, I don’t really know what it feels like to be desired in a physical or romantic sense. (I know the point you’ve made about sex positivity leading to more/better sex but despite being that for most of my life it’s made no difference. Seeing that point kinda weirded me out after being sex-positive and approving of more forward women with no expectation of recompense for years.)

People will always say that I’ll know it when it happens, but that’s unfortunately rung hollow in my experience. I’ve had instances where I and my friends totally thought that someone was signaling interest towards me (initiating and heavily escalating physical contact, saying things as brazen as “I bet you’re a sub”, saying we should go out for coffee sometime, etc,) but when I make the move to ask them on a date it turns out they didn’t see me in that fashion at all. Every time I feel like I’m getting close, it’s as if the sun decides that it’s time for my wings to catch fire. And I’m not going to lie, it’s demoralizing. Confusing, even, when tons of girls around me’s first way to describe their boyfriend or crush is “a lot like you.”

I just don’t know what’s missing at this stage. Even worse, neither do my friends. My failed attempt usually end with the old sentiment of “you did everything right, the interest just wasn’t there.” But how long can I reasonably be expected to run on that?

I know you’ve mentioned that it’s good to be someone who is happy with who they are and to feel like you’re datable. I was doing pretty well for myself before the pandemic and have been trying to work on the physical and mental issues that predictably come with spending a year in isolation (might take a while to get that senior-sixty off, though.) I feel like I have somewhat interesting hobbies; I play guitar, I’m handy with a camera, I like to cook, and I’m constantly getting compliments from friends, peers, and professors on my personal writings. I’m well-liked within my town, and I’ve been working for years towards the path I want to take in life. I’m really wondering at this point where my blind spot could be, or if it’s just a simple matter of needing to continue with my weight loss, try therapy again despite my dissatisfaction with the last go around, and wait for someone who’ll finally either initiate or reciprocate my interest. Maybe my head will break the brick wall someday.

Best Regards,
Malewife Matriarch, Femboy Fatale

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